.

:: 2024 16 November :: 8.13am

I am so thankful and grateful and just beyond in awe of this process.

but man do I feel lonely and isolated.

and the closest therapist in network is two towns away. and there's only 8 for this whole metro area. I haven't reached out yet, idk who to pick.

I've lost 15 lbs in a month and a half. ultimately I'd like to lose a total of 100, but baby steps is where I'm at. I think I'm definitely looking better. soon I'll be able to fit into my pre-baby clothes. my lightest weigh in was 227, I'm at 242 right now. slowly but surely. all this Halloween candy doesn't help... we only had 5 groups of trick or treaters! super lame turn out.

we are sleep training the baby right now. it is exhausting but I think we are making progress. she's so smart and strong, she just amazes me every day. now if only we could get baths to be fun.

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 4 November :: 8.11am

my life is perfect the literal American dream

to complete it all I need is a prescription of Xanax for this intense morning anxiety I feel for no specific reason. makes me want to jump out of my skin and run away.

my baby loves dancing to old house music. she can't dance on her own but she loves when we make her dance. she's so fun

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 25 September :: 8.00am

I wonder what dolphins think about when they stare at themselves in a mirror

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 1 September :: 1.59pm

I am in such a deep dark hole.

2 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 1 August :: 9.49pm

in the third quiet place they blow up the new York bridges... that is where escape from new york starts.

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 22 July :: 8.53am

Friday we will be a month old!

yesterday we got her frenulums in her mouth cut. she seems to be doing okay, definitely is eating the bottle better... been too scared to try to breast feed her though, maybe I'll try late today haha

it's been over 100° every day for the past few weeks here. I want to go out and walk but it's just simply too hot for me. I had heat stroke once as a kid and it was fucking awful. I don't remember there being multiple weeks of this weather before... I hope it's not like this forever.

an assassination attempt and a withdrawal due to mental deficiency. what the fuck is going on in America?

1 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 7 July :: 1.59pm

thanks for your support friend, it's very a wild ride. we are now a week and two days old and getting into a rhythm. still feeling exhausted and working hard to get my milk to come in..

it's hard not to feel like a failure even though it's common to have a hard time breast feeding. is just the rejection when she refuses me. but that's okay. she's a person and likes what she likes haha

she's really very precious, and not very fussy at all. she hates being cold and hates having a dirty diaper. she's eating really well and has a cute lil belly now.

can't help but wonder who she'll be.

2 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 2 July :: 9.20am

motherhood is hard. I swear I cry as much as this baby does.

I totally failed at breastfeeding.
I fail every time to calm her down.
I have never felt like a bigger failure in my entire life.

1 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 28 June :: 5.14pm

we welcomed our beautiful baby girl to the world today. one day after our wedding anniversary!

the birth didn't go anywhere near as planned...

I had to be induced due to high blood pressure.

after using a Foley balloon, 12 hours of pitocin and breaking my water, I wasn't progressing in my labor.

the epidural took two professionals and 9 stabs to get placed.

then I was immediately taken to the operating room for a cesarian section.

the staff was absolutely wonderful, and I wouldn't change a single thing. our baby is perfect and I am just in awe that I could make something so special.

3 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 11 June :: 3.44pm

so fucking stressed. no relief in sight.

2 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 4 June :: 10.49am

what is up with toxic narcissists? my husband's mom has always been an evil, vile creature but over the past few weeks she's taken things to a whole new level. now my husband is going to cut his relationship with both parents off completely. while I'm relieved I'll never have to be around either of them again, it breaks my heart at the same time. family is such a wonderful aspect of life when it isn't toxic.

I am six weeks away from giving birth. which has brought on the baby shower and conversations about what kind of people we want in our daughter's life. his mom is NOT the kind of person I want in her life on a regular basis, especially while she's young and extremely vulnerable. I don't care if they are "doctors" or whatever else they want to try to claim makes them better than everyone else. they are cruel, stupid and driven completely by money. those aren't the core values I want to instill in her.

I am so terrified and excited to be a mom. my husband is starting his job at epic games a month before she's due. I've never spent any time around newborns and I have been experiencing extreme foot pain. will I be able to actually take care of her? I hope my mobility issues are only temporary... but after breaking both feet at different times and gaining 30ish lbs I just am so worried I will have a lot of issues. and I try to bring these things up to my obs and they simply don't care or don't want to give me the time. it's really disappointing. the Internet has been a billion times more helpful than my Doctors have been.

the baby shower really helped me feel less terrified tho. my closest friends are all mothers or have experience with children. I have my mom and my sister. I felt so loved and supported and I know whatever I face I will have a group of wonderful women there to help me navigate. I am so so fortunate to have these ladies in my life, even after so much time apart.

I'm just so ready to meet our little girl and start this next adventure in our life together. I hope she will help ease the pain and disappointment of seeing his parents for the awful people they are. I know they can't be replaced... but maybe a really good distraction will be helpful instead.

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 1 May :: 1.32pm
:: Mood: hopeless

As we hang from the vine
We swam on the thin red line
I'm asleep in the deep
Asleep in the dark black sea

I call out your name
All I hear is the pouring rain
When you came into view
I realise it's not you

You disappeared into the steam
You disappeared into the steam

'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long

The night fades away
I'm dipped in the deep dark clay
And I'm raising my voice
Sinking with all my teeth

I'm hiding the storm
The storm with the bright green glow
And I'm holding my knife
It's sure to make them leave

You disappeared into the steam
You disappeared into the steam

'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
When the wait is so long

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 30 April :: 1.23pm

I am in a very dark and lonely place.

I reach out for help and no one helps. they just make me feel so much fucking worse. my doctors won't give me the time of day. I can't figure out how to get my medical records. the doctor office transfers me to the wrong place to request them. so in trapped with this group of incompetent assholes.

my friends just tell me to get a therapist. they don't visit they don't call. I guess I really am on my own. were they ever really friends in the first place? I feel like literally no one gives a fuck about me. this baby has brought up so many emotions about my past that I thought were dead and buried.

like ... my parents really honestly didn't think I was a good investment, and decided to pour their time and money into my brother. who is 40 and has never moved out, has no future. my husband's family felt the same way and forced his actions to basically abandon me when we were teenagers. then I spent 17 years in absolute misery just trying to find a break that I could stick my fingers into. all I found were rocks to crush my hands. and now I have my dream life, everything I always wanted, and I come to find out I'm just a fat old fucking hag that isn't worth the skin I live in.

I wish I had died at 21 like I planned. I wish I had died any of those nights I drank way too much. I wish I had just fucking disappeared and not been such a fucking bother to anyone. I shouldn't have been born. I shouldn't be breathing this air. I am such a fucking complete fucking waste of space.

I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. I am hog tied and alone in a dark room. and I put myself here. I literally did this all to myself. I'm not a victim, I'm the instigator to my own fucking misery. I am so fucking alone. I am desolate. I am hollow. I am mold and slime and scum. a worthless sack of fat and bones.

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 17 April :: 10.46am

been reading thru my old diaries from 1996 to 2012 and they are literally the saddest things I have ever read. it breaks my heart how much pain I poured into those things.

it also makes me laugh at how fucking boy crazy I was.

I hope my daughter isn't anywhere near as sad as I was. I'm so scared she's going to live a life that's filled with misery and pain, and I won't be able to help.

1 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2024 15 March :: 8.28am

struggling with this weight gain, balancing eating and exercising and not starving the baby.

feeling like every. single. thing. I do/think/feel is wrong.

feeling lost and hopeless and pointless.

all my art projects turn out like shit.

my friends won't come and visit me, it's always me going there.

I just want to stay in bed and cry all day.

6 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?