.

I don't think I want this for the rest of my life.

why is alcohol so important in America and why can't they all just stop being alcoholics?

the bathroom still smells like puke.

bleh.

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2019 18 July :: 6.22am

been feeling a lil better lately, like the dark cloud is passing for now.

if only it would go away forever

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2019 8 July :: 10.52pm

As a child I was taught that to tell the truth was often painful. As an adult I have learned that not to tell the truth is more painful, and that the fear of telling the truth -- whatever the truth may be -- that fear is the most painful sensation of a moral life. -June Jordan

1 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2019 8 July :: 12.53pm

I wish I could have been born a cookie cutter happy robot who enjoyed getting wasted with strangers.

my life would be so much easier.

I wouldn't be losing my job.
I wouldn't feel like I have no friends.
I would be able to just live life with nothing but a smile and a blank mind with nothing in it but me me me

2 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2019 6 July :: 7.30am

one friend tries to kill himself and ended up in the ER (glad he didn't succeed, definitely mostly a bad med combo issue.. that stuff really scares me)

another friend trying to kill himself with a failing liver. after spending a week in the ER and being told he can't drink ever again, the dummy never goes to a follow up appointment and is now dying on someone else's couch in the middle of nowhere. like... killing himself with inaction.

it breaks your God damn heart. and you want to help that's all you want to do, but what exactly can one do.. I try to be there, but maybe I'm just not trying hard enough..

or maybe there's no way to stop a train from going off the tracks?

sometimes I feel the same way as them.. the only thing that honestly holds me back is the fear of the unknown of the after. I don't know if I want it to be nothing, hell, or something else. but what I do know is I'm afraid to face all the horrible things I've done, I'm afraid of nothingness, I'm afraid that I won't deserve what I get, that I won't get to see my passed on loved ones again.

I just really hope it's what I imagine it to be, only I don't want to come back this time I just want to turn back into a star and stay there for a while.

fucking plastic.

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2019 2 July :: 3.40pm

when all you can feel is devastated

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2019 2 July :: 7.38am

learning how to be a gamey boi so I can spend more time with my sweetie... so far so good. I don't mind being the worst as long as everyone is having fun.

I am feeling more optimistic than yesterday. I just really need an attitude adjustment at work, it's just hard when every day is a boring and redundant disappointment.

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2019 27 June :: 7.49am

didn't get either of the jobs. spent most of my vacation feeling super belly sick. wasted a ton of money. felt bad about myself.

just really in a dark place trying to stay above the current

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2019 19 June :: 6.28am

3 days until the really adventure starts

feels like an eternity, I just want to run away now.

been eating like shit, feeling like shit, trying to remain positive. so exhausting "looking on the sunny side" all the time... but it's made a difference I guess.

good robot human unit, ya did good cold unfeeling robot arm. learned some stuff about other robot units at work... can I just say if that particular unit cannot take feedback/constructive criticism from people who only want them to succeed, I can only imagine the nightmare of being married to them...

or maybe they are this way due to their relationship, maybe the SO was constantly berating and criticizing them, so now that they are free, the habit dies hard.

I can't say I'm much different... I can't seem to trust anyone. I can't please myself over others. I can't say no when I want to without endless writhing guilt.

you make me feel lonely. you make me feel unimportant and insignificant. you make me feel trapped.

Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2019 13 June :: 11.23pm

tomorrow is the big day... when I find out if I got the training job. I'm so nervous I can't sleep is like Christmas Eve when all you can think about is how your parents had to have gotten you that kitten this year is the year..... but deep down you know there is no kitten.

I am trying to remain optimistic. that my trip to Canada with emy will be a celebration vacation rather than that of defeat... I'm so excited getting pedicures then staying in a restort for a few days right on the ocean. I miss the ocean, I need the ocean again. I just hope this time I come back feeling better, because something has to give.

I just hope it isn't me.

now I just need to learn how to love someone again, and trust him, but it's just so damn hard to not be scared that I'm going to be hurt again

you make me cry sometimes baby and I wish ... I could move you like you move me sometimes ...

Oh, honey I'm worried 'bout you
You're too much to lose
You're all that I have
And, honey I'm worried 'bout you
Put yourself in my shoes
You're all that I have so please don't die
Wherever you are tonight

3 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?

godessalthena

:: 2019 4 June :: 9.33pm

finally listening to the taking back Sunday album I thought I was buying when I drunkenly bought that all American rejects album

that's the good shit

Where does my heart lie?