hOw yOu chanGe my wOrld , yOu'll neVerr' knOw .
anGel of miine color=white>
piiCk me up now , ii need you SOO bad .
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rina

:: 2005 27 September :: 7.50pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: gunboat - vixtrola

space can wait
oh we're cruel
we've got the makings of generals
and we're still arguing about who's top gun
with lives like these
we could live on the sun
but knowing us, we'd like the moon better
and in the time it'd take us to change our minds
we'd've already lost a lifetime

start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 26 September :: 6.38pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: we looked like giants - death cab for cutie

chemical distraction
she's into chemistry and always has a book under her nose, like she can unlock the secrets of the universe between its pages. because sometimes she thinks its possible.

but other times, most of the time, she's wondering if there's life after equilibrium, or how love is like chemicals, and if all the elements in the world will bring her lover back home.

and when she looks at things it's all disjointed, atoms crashing at each other, and she's hoping that one day everything will get along just fine.

so when the winter comes with its chill, and its news, and its gray gray skies, she thinks she'll never love anything again.
and she can't help deciding that somehow its all her fault, she should've looked for him, and maybe if she did, this horrible thing might not have happened.

she puts all her books away.

now its summer and she's got powerlines in her bloodlines because even if it still hurts, she's not wondering whether love is like a sodium explosion.

her hair is brown and everywhere, and sometimes when she cries the only thing she wishes is for molecules to rearrange and make a person to hold her.

and when he comes to her door after months and days, she's thinking it's most likely a dream.
and when he takes her towards something like potassium bombs of light, she hopes its real, so much so that her brain rejects anything but the moment.

because deep down inside, she knew that life was just a hoax, and even if it did taste bitter, she gulped the cyanide down anyways.

start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 26 September :: 6.24pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: agenda suicide - the faint

none of you know what the fuck is going on, so please stop pretending that you do.
thank you.

start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 21 September :: 3.34am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: revolution - aimee allen

if i could get out, i'd start a revolution
still not asleep.
which is not good, i don't think.

start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 19 September :: 11.05pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: j'y suis jamais alle

4am was always our favortie time
we used to talk like this
with twisted words and swirling emotions
the way some talk about houses, cars, jobs
[all that normality, conformity]
we spoke in languages of rebellion
no mention of the past, filled with boyish sighs
jellybean highs
we’re so immature, i think, when we talk about leaving
getting away from it all
when really we’re just separating from each other
late nights of planning, wishing
we’re nearing a breakdown
[nuclear bomb reaction, distraction]
so when you say, lets leave
i say, we need to wait
say, we need a guide during the night
[stars were always my favorite light]
and when you don’t reply i take it as a yes
because you could never disagree with me anyways

start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 12 September :: 8.50pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: comptine d'un autre ete: l'apres midi - amèlie soundtrack

pas si simple
i'm so fucked up.
i mean, i am just so maliciously fucked up i hate to think about myself.

i'm going to die one day, and sometimes i wish it would hurry up. its not like i know what to do with life anyways.

and writing things down doesn't ease my frustration. it just sits there, festering in my brain, reminding me of everything i'm frustrated about. just adding onto whatever shit i was thinking at the time.
the written word is hard for me to use now.
its losing its luster.

i think i might need a psychiatrist. but i don't want to be dramatic.
it'll probably fuck everything up even worse.
i need aspirin.

start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 5 August :: 3.16am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Holland, 1945 - Neutral Milk Hotel

i have been trying and trying to update, but work and life and, ultimately, computer malfunctions have made it impossible.

i promise i'll read up on everything i've missed, and try to comment on your latest entry with everything that's been happening in your lives. :)

start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 15 July :: 10.49am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: two sides/monsieur valentine - spoon

its a celebration of the deceitful
ophelia, her eyes like ebony
she was full of whiskey
in a ragged dress with the color missing

ophelia, she glanced at amber liquid
and wondered how she could fix it
when life became, oh, so wicked

well she counted her way backwards from ten
and pretended not to be so frightened
but ophelia, she was terrified of what could happen

she seemed stretched so languidly
and thought the world was still darkening
and ophelia, she waited for the grand finale

the world's fading, she says
too many deaths and not enough savings
but she didnt care enough to walk towards neon lights

because ophelia, her eyes like ebony
she was full of whiskey
with a tattered dress that seemed to be missing

5 dr0p everything | start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 18 June :: 9.44pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: everything's not lost - coldplay

its a delicate degree
the human being fascinates me.
on the one hand, you have rapists, murderers, thieves, molesters, serial killers.
whats-his-face peterson, the unabomber. jack the ripper.

and what kills me is that you can see the corruption on someone’s face.
the seven deadly sins.
glutton. covetousness. lust. anger. envy. sloth. pride.
but then, in the other hand, you have masterpieces of art, magnificent symphonies, prodigies, theatre, pbs.
aristotle, da vinci, mozart.

i wonder, though, if locke or hobbes was right.
because we are such multi-faceted creatures.
maybe there is some sort of undetectable chemical or hormone that is present in some, and not in others. maybe that’s the cause of violence and insanity.

and although i’d like to believe locke was correct, and that we were all born happy and peaceful and wonderful, its hard; because we have such lush history.
the romans. the vikings. the countless wars.

and you know how everyone says that history repeats itself?
that’s bull.
because, [this is a message for you, mankind] lets say someone makes ONE huge mistake. fine, okay. the world can deal, it was an accident.
but then some time later someone else thinks they can pull off what the other couldn’t, because we’ve advanced technologically. this guy, lets call him bob, totally blows it.
so the world is all “for shame, bob. learn from the past.”

THEN, adding insult to injury, another guy, fred, says bob was retarded, and since its fifty years later, he should try.
can you see the pattern?

and as of the moment my mind is already losing its direction & focus because i have the attention span of a small child on speed.
so im going to try and stop myself from losing the rest of my money to barnesandnoble.com .

1 dr0p everything | start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 7 June :: 1.58pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: fake palindromes - andrew bird

and that's not all
i hate that my brain is always set on "worst case scenario."
ie: driving on blue ridge parkway.

for the average human being, this should be a wonderful experience; fantastic views and scenery blowing by your car window.

and then there's me.
wondering what it would be like if the car veered sharply off the very, very steep mountain. what would i do to survive?
would the car get caught in tree branches, consequently causing a bough to snap some sort of fuel line that will cause a chain reaction, making the car blow up?

who knows. but i think of things like that all the time.

anyways, north carolina was pretty good. it was a welcome break from the constant heat that is the sunshine state.

which is kind of ironic, really, since it got around 9.5 inches of rain while i was gone. hm.

3 dr0p everything | start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 19 May :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: i love you - dandy warhols

but you, you're the catalyst
its my birthday tomorrow.
happy birthday, me.

8 dr0p everything | start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 18 May :: 9.52am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: consider this - anna nalick

boys will be boys
i'm skipping second period, and chilling in the media department.
i love how badass you can feel when you walk by administration while skipping and they don't even ask you for passes.

i still am having an awful time getting to sleep at night.
and i just got over this wonderfully horrible habit of eating nothing but two bowls of cereal a day.
nothing for breakfast or lunch, come home and eat cereal, and then skip dinner.

next year i'm going to be in newspaper instead of computer graphics, and i'll be editor of the literary magazine our school puts out.
i feel so geekish that i'm so excited, but i can't help it.

and boys? pah. who needs them.

5 dr0p everything | start it all 0ver...


lala91

:: 2005 11 May :: 12.29pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: phantom of tha opera

aww

awww ..
woohu ... =\
ii miss iit .
ii look back on my journal ,
and ii have changed so much ..
the friends i've had ,
the ppl ii chiill wiith ...
wow .
ook
juSt had to update =]

comment , brit . lol
<3

2 dr0p everything | start it all 0ver...


lovethehibiscus

:: 2005 10 May :: 9.40pm
:: Mood: alright
:: Music: combat baby - metric

portal to the sun (repost from lj)
how i remember
barely wild grass between my toes
and the sun kissing my face as i lay
watching the clouds amble 'cross the bluest sky

i loved how the world was my stage
myself being all the actors
today a secret agent, tomorrow a vampire
yet never the damsel in distress for i was always the valiant hero

i miss the feeling of tree bark against my bare feet
and the smell of coming rain as i sat on the highest tree branch
the 5 second heartattack as i leapt from the tree
smiling, accomplished as i landed on my two feet

i loved how when the sun set
that my world was one in a hue of shimmering gold
what a concoction of emotion; the beauty of the ending day
and the knowing that it was time to go in

start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 5 May :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: the way things are - fiona apple

neon insomnia
midnight black descending
small illuminations brightening
brilliant reds rushing by
whites and yellows fast as light

traveling unknown cities
windows open to silent pities
bursts of wind mingled in gold
wild hair a testament too bold

sleepless nights a catalyst
for mangled thoughts in a twist
highway to nowhere coming soon
underneath a crescent moon

faster and faster, accumulating speed
open roads full of aching need
headlights blinding near catatonia
just another case of neon insomnia

start it all 0ver...


lovethehibiscus

:: 2005 9 May :: 5.37pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: let go - frou frou

welcome to cattlesburg: the halloween social
i got a mixture of emotions after he said that. a concoction of being happy, nervous, and horribly angry at the same time. 'yes, this is kieran. why did you leave us? where are you? how have you been?' i blurted out. i heard him sigh, 'well, i'm in vermont now and i've been pretty good.' i shifted the weight on to my right foot and sighed with annoyance. he didnt answer the one question that i really needed to head. so i stayed silent. 'is your mom home?' he asked.
'no, she isnt home right now. why didnt you answer my question? why are you in vermont now? was florida not good enough for you?' i was gettin more and more furious by the second. 'kieran elizabeth roberts! i am your father! you do not speak to me like that!' uh oh, he used the full name, i am in trouble now. 'fathers stay with their kids!' i yelled back. i hung up on him and sulked back to the living room to sit with chevy.
besides charley and mookie, chevy was one of my best friends. he always listens, is there for me, doesnt ever give me any back talk, and only whines when he wants food. i pet him on the head and told him about my 'dad's' phone call. he understood and put his head on my lap.
about ten minutes later my mom walked through the front door. 'dad called!' i yelled from the living room. 'yeah, i heard. he called my cell after you hung up on him,' she said as she walked in to the living room. i gazed out the front window as i pet chevy. 'he wants you, james, and emily to go up and see him after christmas,' she said as she took off her shades and walked in to the kitchen.
that night as we all sat around the island in our kitchen eating our dinner of chinese food, mom broke the news to james and emily. as she did i just looked in my box of chicken lo mein and moved the noodles around with the black plastic chopsticks i had in my hand. neither james or emily protested the christmas break plans, i didnt protest either for i wanted to find out why he left and also to see some snow for the first time.
when dinner was over, i went up to james' room. i stepped into his dark room and almost toppled over a pile of clothes. 'james? where are you in this filth hole of a room?,' i called out as i looked around at his shot glass collection and posters of beer companies and girls in bikins. 'back here!,' he called back. i gingerly walked to the bay window where he was sittin reading a magazine. 'what do you think of us going to go visit dad?' he kept reading his magazine, 'i dunno. we havent seen him in forever. it will definitely be weird.' i glanced down and shuddered at the sight of the empty pizza box that was peekin out from under his bed, 'do you know why he left us? during our whole conversation, this was the first time he looked up from his magazine. he frowned and looked back down at his magazine. 'actually, dont know why he left,' he quietly muttered as he flipped a page. i let out a disappointed sigh and turned around to find a pathway through all the junk the floor so i could make it to the door. i was just about at his door when i heard him say, 'but i will know at the end of december.'
the next day in chemistry, i told mookie and charley the news. 'vermont? kieran, your gonna freeze your katookus off!,' exclaimed charley. mookie finished drumming his pen on the desk and asked, 'when you see him in vermont, how long will it have been since youve seen him?' 'um,' i scribbled a circle on my lab paper, 'a couple of years.'
dash sat down and handed me a single daisy. 'i'm sorry i only got to say hi then run last night.' i grinned and pushed my wavy hair behind my ear so i could put the daisy there. 'stunning,' he noted as he fumbled around with his binder. 'mm, so how do you know jessica harcof?' i asked as he continued to look through his binder. 'last summer, before that car accident,' he smirked,' i met her at this sleep away camp in oregon and when i moved down to to cattlesburg, by some odd act of coincedence, i moved in to a house that is directly across the street from hers.' 'some coincidence. so do you know why she is so mean? she's never mean to mookie though. do you know why? charley and i think its because she is scared of his parents,' i hurriedly whispered seeing as ms. erlin shot me the infamous death glance again. dash smiled and in the same quiet tone said, 'maybe. i will show you tomorrow.' the bell rang and i wondered just exactly what would he be showing us tomorrow as i waved goodbye to him and made my way to the door.
later that night, i was talkin to mookie on the phone as i watched 'singing in the rain.' 'dont you wonder what dash is gonna show us tomorrow?' i asked him. 'duh. yes. now i will finally know why she is always so rude to just you two.' 'thats what i thought. hey, are you going to the halloween social?,' i asked as i chewed on a twizzler. 'yeah, cmon kieran. of course i will be there. i never pass up a chance to cut a rug. im going as a ghostbuster. what are you going as?,' he replied. i laughed, 'hmm, i dont know yet. do you have a date?' 'nah, chaely is going with corey and corey said that his sister val needed a date. i dunno yet though. you going with dash?' i looked down at my watch, 'he hasnt asked yet.' mook said, 'well, i gotta get going. enjoy the movie. goodnight.' i said goodnight then he hung up. for awhile i sat there pondering about the social, dash, and my friends. i finished watching my movie then headed to bed.
mookie, charley, and i are sitting at our table in chemistry when dash brings in a book. was that the thing that would tell is why jessica was so mean to us and nice to mookie? why yes it was. it wasnt a book but more like a diary. it was covered in lavender velvet with snowy white lace glues around the edges. dash opened the diary and flipped it to a random page. I LOVE MOOKIE was written all over the page. mookie 'hmm'ed while his face turned a lovely shade of red. on the next page i noticed my name and i read what she had written. 'that kieran roberts is so lucky to have mookie. i hate her. i'm so mad that dash actually likes her.' i stopped reading and looked up at dash. his face was about the same color as mookie's. 'interesting,' i noted as i closed the book, 'i think we've invaded her privacy enough for the day.'
at lunch, dash came up to the table where charley, mookie, and i were eating and he asked to talk to me in private. i let him lead me to where we were going to talk and while we were walking away i turned around and raised my eyebrows towards charley and mookie. we eventually sat down on benches in the school's garden. 'so as you know the halloween social is coming up. i really want to ask you to go with me but long before i met you i promised jessica i would take her.' i was dumbstruck. the only thing i could thing of to reply was 'oh.' i'm sure he could hear the disappointment in my voice. 'i'm really sorry, kieran. a promise is a promise. jessica has this whole plan for costumes and everything too. i will still see you there,' he said as he went to grab my hand. the bell rang and for once i was actually happy to be going to class.
for the rest of the school day i was once again a walking mixture of sadness and anger. i perked up when charley suggested that we three go to the rusty wave for a post school snack. kudos for charley because she knows that the rusty wave is my favorite resturaunt and that the place just makes me happy. really, that place is the best. they have a surfboad outside where all the ravenous surfers can park their boards while they grab a bite to eat. there is a big metal wave and surfer on the roof. inside its all pictures of surfing, sunsets, and even pictures of us locals. there is even a picture of charley, mookie and i over our favorite indoor booth. our booth is made of parts of surfboards, skateboards, and who knows what. pretty much everyone in town has a picture hanging on the walls. even my dad- he is in the picture from james' 15th birthday dinner we had there. there is always punk and beach rock from unsigned artists screaming from the speakers. every weekend, they have shows either inside or on their large party deck. we are such regulars that the owner mick always says hello to us by name when we come in.
we walked through the bamboo curtain and heard 'hey mookie, kieran, charley.' 'heey mick,' we all answered back. we sat down in our booth and ordered smoothies and fries. about five minutes later, our waiter (who i must say, was not too shabby looking) brought them out. gotta love the service! 'so what happened at lunch? what did dash tell you?,' charley asked. i sighed and took a long sip of my kiwi-strawberry smoothie, 'he told me he was taking jessica to the halloween social. something about a promise he made before he met me.' 'aww, i'm sorry, kieran. that really sucks. stupid jessica!' charley said. she added, 'yeah, i thought she was going to ask mookie to it.' charley and i laughed then mookie wadded up his straw wrapper and threw it at charley. we stayed there for about a half hour more and talked about everything.
'will you be my halloween social date?' mookie asked as we were standing in the middle of our street, 'i have no date. you have no date. i can save you from any tarantulas that pass our way,' he continued on. 'of course i will go with you. i was thinking about asking you. i still have no idea what to be yet. you might have to help me on that one.' 'sweet,' he said as we both parted ways then hollered 'bye' as we got to our front doors.
as i was refilling chevy's water bowl with him rolling around on the kitchen floor, i thought ; 'i'm going to the social with mookie whom jessica is secretly in love with while jessica is going with dash.' tomorrow night shall definitely be intersting.

1 dr0p everything | start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 27 April :: 11.10pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: elsewhere - sarah mclachlan

of the time, and inbetween
have you ever looked into the mirror, and realized what you were looking at?
if you looked in the mirror everyday, and just one day, you just notice who you are. and how you've changed from one year to the next.
three hundred sixty five days of seeing yourself and in one of those, you're watching yourself change. watching yourself grow up.

i think its supposed to happen on birthdays. or at least, thats what should happen on birthdays.

tonight i looked at myself in the mirror, and i didnt just stare at the reflection. i saw myself. and even though i've seen myself almost every day, it was different. i looked older, i guess. its difficult to explain unless you've actually experienced it.

but maybe no one experiences it. maybe everyone does.
and maybe its just me, stressing about school, and my birthday, and how the next year of my life will unfold.

half of me is hoping that someone will notice. it feels like it just happened overnight sometime, and people will be just as taken aback as i am.
if they dont notice, which i dont think they will, it'll just be me. finally fitting into my own skin. and that half of me wants it to keep it to myself. a secret of sorts, but more personal.

anyways. i should be sleeping.

start it all 0ver...


lovethehibiscus

:: 2005 15 April :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: full from dinner
:: Music: a day late - anberlin

highways & heartaches pt.2
from that day on we spent pretty much all the time we could together. class, lunch, on the weekends, and once in every blue moon when he wasnt working at the happy clam diner and i wasnt pouring over books he would come to my house afterschool.

when he did, i made him my five star specialty of ramen noodle soup. we would eat our soup on my back porch while we watched life go by on the canal i lived on. then afterwards we would go inside, share an old blue flannel blanket, and watch a movie.

sometimes we would skip the movie bit all together and go lay in the hammock that was set up in my backyard. i would listen to his heartbeat and he would mess around with my hair. our faces would be speckled with the pieces of sunlight that managed to break through the tree branches that loomed over us.

all of this happened before my parents got home. my mom worked in real estate and my dad was a pediatrician. they usually were both home around 7. by the time i was 8, i had already learned the drill: they both got home, we ate dinner around a bland dinnertable, then we all went to do our own things.

i remember the first time i got asked if i was seeing aaron. this girl, stephanie strickland, came up to me in the hall as i was bustling on my way to bio. she was one of those girls who called herself mrs. pitt and you suspected that she still had her my little pony set in her closet. occasionally taking them out and playing with them when mr. pitt didnt call.

'so are you and aaron going out?' she asked with such eagerness, as if it were her only means of living. 'nah, we're just friends,' i replied but in my head i finished it with 'for now.' stephanie looked crushed, 'well you guys should totally go out. you would look so good as a couple!' i raised my eyebrwo toward her, told her 'bye,' then headed towards my class.








start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 9 April :: 11.24pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: don't die in me - mirah

past, present, and future tense
what is life?
im sure you can read books upon books describing the meaning of it, whether it is love, art, adventure, or change.
maybe its one of those things. maybe its passion, or inspiration, or nature.

i dont know.
but put your life in perspective with the rest of the universe. on such a large timeline, with billions of people, and billions of years before you , its like you dont even exist.

but there is still all this pressure from the world to do great, to be great. that if you are not famous, you are not worth remembering.
what kind of life can we offer future generations if this is the way things are now?

it seems to me, that all those legends before us; galileo, aristotle, newton, and hell man, even elvis.
they are legends in themselves because they did what no other person in their generation did. they broke the mold in a certain area. something that has never been tried before.

hence what bothers me. we've tried everything. we've done peace, war, experimentation, medication, television, bombs, cancer, rocketships.
the future is either bleak and barren, hardly supporting life, or it is technologically advanced. it cannot be both.

2 dr0p everything | start it all 0ver...


rina

:: 2005 31 March :: 1.20am
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: goodnight and go - imogen heap

its bad enough we get along so well
i love how only two people read this.

im pretty close to being nocturnal.
but when you sleep in until 3 in the afternoon, you feel like you missed half your life in that one day.
and though i am more productive in the wee hours of the morning, i find it particularly lonely, because no one is online.

i have a website. [www.velut-luna.org]

my addiction to psp is horrendous.

2 dr0p everything | start it all 0ver...

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