cluttered bulletin of memories

cluttered bulletin of memories

:: 2006 25 December :: 3.33am

lesson learned ! can't wait for the next one
i never really considered it putting up walls but i guess that's what it really is .. i don't know why i thought that you'd be any different or that i could even begin to sort out this mess of emotions i have ready to burst out of my skull and explain to you what's in my head because it's not fair that i can't i just fucking can't and you don't understand and i get so close but it never comes out because i think once i say one word in the wrong direction it's going to explode and everything i've ever done will be wrong and i don't want to just be this way anymore and it's not fair that i can't do it it's not fair i just want you to be there for me and try to understand but instead you sit and grin and bear five minutes with me so that maybe you can get some tonight and don't even try to hide it and that's what fucking hurts that's what it is that's exactly what it fucking is and i dont want to deal with it ever again in my life of course not like it would come up anyway but just in case just so you know not me not happening and if its walls then its walls and if its irrational then so be it but fuck i'm not doing this again it's not happening you better learn girl get your shit together because it'll happen next time you're not careful if not for one reason then another damaged goods is the most appropriate term really and dead fucking on hit the nail on the goddamn head

you know though
it's better this way
it's not making love if you're not in love and it's not just sex with that trace of emotion lingering but don't worry i think it's pretty clear what it is ! because there's no trace of emotion anywhere mm mm no way not here i don't know why you'd even ask

better to just drop me off so that's what you did merry christmas to me it was going too good you know haha duh silly girl get your act together be on point because tonight is just the beginning of ten million more nights just like this

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sendmemoney

:: 2006 26 July :: 8.35am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Bright Eyes

I sit and take slow, deliberate hits while he chain smokes his cheap cigars, bought at a seedy gas station at 1 a.m. He's infuriatingly accomodating and I want to scream FIGHT BACK but instead I take a few more hits, two aggresively and the next so passive but he takes no notice and explains on why I am oh so very right . Decidedly I hit it again and confide, I'm very dark, and he laughs it off and asks, is that what you think? And I laugh it off too, is it hollow to him, I wonder, and put myself back, what was I thinking??

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sendmemoney

:: 2006 13 January :: 6.12pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: fiona apple - extraordinary machine

I miss letting my eyelashes graze your cheek, your hot breath on my neck, the proximity of our lips before we get lost in a tangle of passion and lust and love and you�re inside me and we are one. Everyone I look at has the same blank face and all I see is you missing from the picture and weeks before your return. I love it when I struggle against you and you hold me so tight that, with all my might, I can�t move your arm an inch because, baby, I might struggle against you sometimes but please don�t let me go. I get so caught up in you and me and us and this happiness sometimes and my fears come crashing in and knocking me back to reality; I think they may be all that keeps me from floating away but it�s such a staggering weight that it gnaws at my brain until I face them and let them override everything you tell me. I�ve never been so scared and so thrilled at the same time. I�ve protected myself for so long, so hard that this is unfamiliar territory we�re charting here, but whatever we encounter, I know we can face because I can be the strongest woman in the world for you. So this is love. The only possible explanation for why I�m so consumed with everything that is you, for knowing the freckles on your back with such detail, the curve of your lips with such intensity, for why I could fill pages about my insatiable desire for you, even just to be near you, for one second if that�s all I could have. You know, I criticized so much before I met you and now I understand. Sometimes you just know. Every factor can work against our favor but as long as we have that one magical moment, it�s enough. When I look into your eyes and we laugh together I know. Why I waited so long for you, I know. I know why we were both at the same place that night, why five years ago we couldn�t be together, why I sent you a text message so long ago even though my strategy would dictate not to, why we were hit by that hurricane and the phone connected long enough to let us speak, why we arrived at that New Years party too late. I know now to put my trust in you, because I know you are my one. You�re the one I�ll change for and grow with. The one for whom I�ll bite my tongue in an argument because I�d rather be happy than right, the one I always hope is on the other end when my phone rings, the one that makes me smile like a giddy little kid just to hear your voice on the other end. This whole page can be summarized in three meaningful little words, but it�s everything I mean every time I say it. It terrifies me to show this to you, but I�m going to because I want you to know me inside and out like I want to know you. I�m going to bite my lip and suck it up and just drop it in your pocket and just hope you don�t think I�m too crazy and maybe if I�m lucky you�ll agree. I love you more than I can express in one stupid letter. I love you with my whole being, with everything I am and will become, forever.

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sendmemoney

:: 2005 27 September :: 12.19am
:: Music: incubus - beware! criminal



okay that's it  breathe in deep now   hold it  hold it   that's it  hold

 them back don't let them fall  exhale release it slowly  that's it  feel

 it ? you have control    don't cry don't cry    you can read it all you 

want  the words don't offer any more meaning than they did the last 

four times although now you have them memorized and just keep thinking about it    STOP   

 it makes no difference to think about it  you knew it  you laughed at 

this outside the 7-11 without so much as a sideways glance  ..  

relax , finish the joint  and repeat it again and a million different 

things you could reply but no no no no no nononono 

you're not going to do it   no matter what





          pause and look over your shoulder to the screen

nothing yet..... 



go inside and get it all out    sit down and enjoy the show . 

forgetaboutit  there's nothing to think about anymore ! 

don't answer it don't answer it don't answer it



that is ..

if it even rings.

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sendmemoney

:: 2005 26 September :: 8.49pm

i want to think that if i had the capacity , i'd spit in your face , tie your sunglasses to a brick and throw it through your window into everything that matters to you . but even if i had it in me , i wouldn't give you that satisfaction . i know ... no ... i want to know that you're just saying things you don't mean , thinking of the things i'm most sensitive about and attacking me because maybe that last watermelon martini was a little too much to handle . i want to think that this is why . i never want to hear you say it though . i never want to hear you say another word because the last ten million you've said have been running circles in my head for the past three days . i could repeat to you every single letter , every typo , every burning adjective . i want to repeat to you every single letter and watch as your face crumples in when you realize what you said , watch as your stomach twists when you remember what you said in days prior . i want to fly into a rage , kick in your door , take knives to all your furniture , your clothes , your bedsheets , and just torch the place . watch it all burn down in one night from one tiny little flame that escalated to a sea of fire . be what you want me to be to make it easier for you to deal with the fact that you destroyed me . i want to KNOW this is tearing you apart inside . i want more satisfaction than just the fact that i'm trying to be adult about this . i want you ... out of my life for good , memories deleted for that eternal sunshine , so the tears no longer rain down unstoppable while i'm trying to be calm , get ready for work , study for my test . it's the closure that everybody seeks that's really just an excuse to see if he's shed any tears over this , see if he's taken that picture down yet . i don't want that closure . i'm done with you . you've been replaced .