jus4fun06
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2006 4 February :: 2.14pm
-[is it you i want or just the notion of, a heart to wrap around, somewhere i can find my way around]-
theres this guy. he is amazing! and i have liked him for over a year. he hates me. and the thing is, i dont want him physically, i just want his company. and its frustrating cause its never going to be and i know that, but i cant stop likign him. i want to cause it would be so much easier. but theres just somethign about him that drawsme in.
merg
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jus4fun06
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2006 31 January :: 9.29pm
in the darkness, she d.r.e.a.m.s.
i feel so... empty...
shes fading away
away from this world
drifting like a feather
shes not like the other girls
shes lives in the clouds
and talks to the birds
hopeless little world
she not like the other girls i know
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jus4fun06
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2005 15 December :: 6.18pm
:: Music: Adema - Giving In
i want to feel beauty. i feel a need to surround me in beauty.
...
i feel so plain...
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insomniac
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2005 9 December :: 3.43pm
:: Mood: touched
Lucky. Lucky. Lucky!
Last night Lucky invited me to go to the band holiday concert with her. We sat in the back and after a while she held out for my hand since two nights ago we acidentally fingerlocked when she was trying to blindly touch me while talking to an old lady. Lucky smells good.
She held my hand in both of hers over her lap, running her fingers over mine. I interact a little but for the most part I'm not sure of what to do. Then later her hand somehow come over to my side and I put to use what she had said earlier to her friend [her fingertips are very sensitive]. She's so into it that her arm's shaking and she's trying to keep a straight face, which amuses me.
-lucky leans over- are you laughing?
oh? no. -smile- Are you shivering?
..no.
This goes on for a while, and I found it sort of uncomfortable to be sunk down in my chair, staring at the stage and concentrating on her hand. So I sit up a bit a look down to her hand more. They responded so easily, especially when I ran my finger down her sleeve a little, then up to the tips of her fingers and back over, barely touching her. Once in a while she leans her head down on my shoulder, and asks if I minded if she kissed my cheek. I must have seemed insensive, because I just said it was 'alright'. Oh my gosh, her lips were so soft and just a little moist. So lovely. The hand menstrations continue and once again lucky kisses my cheek. Near the end of the concert she rests her head on my shoulder, then brushes her noise against my shoulder and neck. It drives me wild. I squeeze her hand a little and she moves away, then back again. Her nose moves against my cheek and I turn my head towards her's. I kinda can't see straight and my cheeks and other parts are extremely hot.
We were so close to kissing, but I can't make first moves. But if someone gets the momentum going I can dig it. I believe I'm blushing just thinking about last night. A friend of her's, Patrick, was sitting next to her, and he kept touching her leg or messing with her another way. She looked torn and chanted 'keep your mind on the girls.. no nazis' She's so silly.
I haven't gotten a chance to see/speak to her since last night, good thing it's Friday.
Lucky has a girlfriend and a tool. Then there's me, whatever I am.
I leaked at school today and had to get a change from home. I ended up staying home. School gets out in a few minutes.
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jus4fun06
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2005 8 November :: 1.09pm
i am what i am and ill always be what ill be.
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jus4fun06
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2005 26 October :: 12.53pm
But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed:
"I am half sick of shadows," said
The lady of Shalott.
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jus4fun06
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2005 22 October :: 9.20pm
have you ever felt so naked? like everyone can see past your skin to your very soul? just imagian standing alone on center stage. the audiance is out in the darkness so you cant quite see them, but your know they are out there and their attention is fixated on you. a solo light shines from above and warms your bare skin as you stand so naked in front of them; offering everything and holding back nothing. You want to share, but you still feel that you should cover up so, modestly, your hands are hiding parts that society doesnt accept. the things that help define who you are but are forbidden to express or share... you wanna be embaressed, but you also wanna share to the entire world what you hide...
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jus4fun06
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2005 25 August :: 11.08am
you make things so much harder
ishould say goodbye
but its so0oo hard
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jus4fun06
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2005 13 June :: 4.20pm
is it so much to want to be beautiful and to not want people to have sex with you? maybe people turn gay because the opposite sex isnt as horney and find them actually beautiful. its just a thought.
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jus4fun06
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2005 1 June :: 9.33pm
i hurt so much. for so many reasons?? hard to explain. you dont wanna hear the details... i think my bed has to do with it. lol!
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jus4fun06
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2005 31 May :: 3.50pm
http://www.geocities.com/bakagnome/loz.mp3
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jus4fun06
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2005 24 May :: 9.42pm
i feel fat
i am fat
i need to stop eating
gotta run
damn it
im so fat
i will never be loved if im fat
must be thin and pure
thin and pure
like a cup
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jus4fun06
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2005 10 May :: 8.42pm
"Travis": yo wat the fuck is ur problem
"Danielle": i didnt say anything
"Danielle": i sweat
"Danielle": *sswear
"Travis": the who the fuck did
"Travis": then*
"Danielle": nate did
"Danielle": he was mad cause i wouldnt give kellies number
"Travis": y should i believe u
"Danielle": iono i really dont care if you believe me or not... i know im not lying...
"Danielle": i dont even know why i would do something like that.. .i dont want you... i really could care less abou tyou
"Danielle": no offense or anything
"Travis": non etaken but y would nate say something like dat bout me if u wouldnt give him her #
"Danielle": cause he kept saying he wants to fuck your girl and that he wants to break you guys up so he can have her
"Danielle": he said it in english and i wouldnt lie about that
"Travis": ok tom in the morning u me amber and nate r goin to have a talk and ur goin to tell amber everything u jus said to me
"Danielle": ok
"Travis": were goin to figure all this shit out
"Danielle": ok
"Travis" is away at 8:40 P.M.
i fckn hate drama. lol.
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jus4fun06
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2005 15 April :: 9.34am
i can only feel him drifting away. i hope its not my imagination. maybe it is only paranoia getting the best of me. its only changed in the past two weeks. one week:: it was good... many phonecalls || barely talk... not even when we do call eachother :: next week. i cant understand what happened between us. is it something i did?
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jus4fun06
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2005 9 April :: 12.54pm
i was paging through someones xanga... to past entries. i read so much. i was sitting here, crying for living the memories of someone else. is it really so wrong to actually care so much to take away the marks that those memories made on this person. i feel so alone in this feeling. and since i got this feeling i have been so sad for i cant make their pain go away. it makes me so sad not to be able to make either one happy. they are the two closest people to me. sometimes i feel as if i care too much about them. i really dont know how to deal with this. since i felt this, i feel the person is only drifting farther away from me. are they? maybe the stress of the paranoia is making me think they are drifting farther away than they actually are... then i talk to them or i see them and life seems happy and we have a good time... then they leave and we may talk on the phone, but it seems they are bored of me and want me to leave and stop talking. ionoionoionoionoiono.
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