Leeder

:: 2003 18 June :: 9.47pm

i dont know if this is working out...i'm getting feelings of deja vu.

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:: 2003 18 June :: 7.53pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Moby- That's When I Reach for my Revolver

Once I had my heroes, once I had my dreams...But all of that is changed now...
so i am sick of school and don't want to go anymore, i'm dropping my accounting class so I can work some more (still in electrical) and maybe pretend to have a summer vacation. tomorrow is my last test, and consequently my last day of statistics, and it will be nice.

you know, for years now I've been spelling the word "tomorrow" incorrectly. Did anyone notice that, and just neglect to tell me? I felt pretty stupid when I figured it out. That's the downside of autocorrect in Microsoft Word. You really don't notice the mistakes you're making. And I'm a smart kid...I think.

i might be going overboard with the apartment thing. my parents are running out of places to put my stuff that i've been "collecting" for it....i've got a microwave and microwave stand, a tv cart, a couch, a vacuum, all my bedding, computer, desk, a whole lot of clocks (i've collected them over the summer and i'm going to use them, hopefully, to make a "clock wall" in my apartment), dishes, towels, shelves, etc. it's getting kinda hectic.

I'm getting a real estate salesperson's license too. In July, I go to a week of classes and then I go down and take a test. Three hundred dollars for another career opportunity. Not bad, not bad at all. I figure I can just collect different certifications and licenses, that way I will always have a career to fall back on. Right now I'm looking at aa truck driver's license, a bartending certificate, and florists certification. But the real estate thing is good, because people always need places to live.

I'm sure there are other things I could update on, but my fingers hurt from work...and liquid bandage really isn't all that it's cracked up to be...

:: 2003 16 June :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: crappy

so people just totally drive me nuts

i'm cutting myself off from the world for a while and i really dont think that the world minds one bit

:: 2003 14 June :: 3.07am

I love my girlfriend.

AND

I have to pee.

:: 2003 14 June :: 12.18am

hahaha
Leo & Scorpio
Riven and driven, this couple wins the passion prize. Leo and Scorpio are locked in a struggle, united on the razor's edge. The emotional Leo is offended by Scorpian rudeness; in turn, Scorpio's deep feelings are masked by carnal urges. Tension and challenge define this relationship. Each is endowed with an infinite ability to wound or solace the other, and the two will endlessly oscillate between torment and delight. The clash of these two strong personalities is doomed unless indulgence and tolerance also reign. But selfishness may overcome them.

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:: 2003 13 June :: 1.58am
:: Mood: confused

there was something i was going to do when i got home....but i forget what it is....

:: 2003 10 June :: 12.13am

I am sick of words.

:: 2003 9 June :: 11.51pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Howie Day- Everything Else

And I'm screaming for the breath that makes you alive...
so this is how it all goes down. just fucking great. so don't go acting like everything's still supposed to be all cool. because its not.

thanks for your time, i wish i could thank you for your effort.

:: 2003 9 June :: 11.19pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Howie Day- Everything Else

they will all just go away
all of the demons
enjoy this life right now
you know what you're to do
and letters
yes they matter write her quite a few
and she might love you for it
but you can't count on it

:: 2003 9 June :: 8.36pm
:: Mood: clueless
:: Music: Evanescence - Tourniquet

i tried to kill the pain, but only brought more...
"Ignore everyone, and whatever happens, happens. It's life and you can only do so much." - Joe Burgess

Thank you Joe. That's exactly what I needed right now. It's such simple advice, but it hits home so well. Simplicity has never been a strength of mine. I've come to conclusions, challenged prior concepts and beliefs, and then have requestioned it all. I'm done. Instinct is behind the wheel now, and I'm going to make some mistakes along the way because of it, but that's life. Maybe without the scurtiny, I might actually find a way to make less. I'm done second-guessing myself. I've spent the past couple of months attempting to pull togehter all the answers, only to discover I'm much farther than when I started. But in a way I am, because I am learning that there are few universal and absolute truths, learning that there is that extensive gray area that encompasses the spectrum between black and white.

I'm sorry, I'm more sorry than you could imagine. I don't want it to be like this anymore than you do. I don't have all the answers you are looking for, I'm just trying to bullshit my way through this little thing called life. I don't know how to proceed from here, I don't know how to heal the wounds that I've inflicted upon you. My intention was never to hurt you.

"I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real..."
- Evanescence, My Immortal

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:: 2003 8 June :: 8.34pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Fountains of Wayne- Troubled Times

Like she was returnable...one day would refill your hands...
I had a dream...
that i made different choices.
i went to the beach and clutched onto every wave and there was nothing there to hold me. I washed up onto the shore and got sand in my hair.

I miss the beach. I miss the waves, the sand, the sun.

:: 2003 7 June :: 8.36pm
:: Music: The Pretenders - I'll Stand By You

Oh, Why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes.
Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through,
Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
You don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess,
could make me love you less.

I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you.
Won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.

So,
If you're mad, get mad.
Don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.
But hey, what you've got to hide?
I get angry too,
But I'm a lot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads,
Don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along.
Cause even if you are wrong...

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
And when,
When the night falls on you baby
You're feeling all alone
Walking on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I`ll stand by you

:: 2003 5 June :: 11.54pm
:: Mood: intimidated

that hurt.
you make it sound like its so easy, please remember its not as easy for me.

don't compare me to her, i don't want to just be another chapter in the book.

:: 2003 5 June :: 10.51pm
:: Music: Jeff Buckley- Lover, You Should Have Come Over

It's never over...my kingdom for a kiss upon the shoulder...
my head hurts again. i'm afraid i'm dying.
update on all of that- my MRI and MRA both turned up negative. BUT... I have to go see a neurologist to keep looking for why I keep getting spontaneous dizzy spells. And I'm not supposed to drive for 6 months. Yeah...right. Like I can get rides to work, to class, or anywhere else.

I went garage sale-ing today and bought more books....like "Philosophy and Myth in Karl Marx" and "Social Cognition". I am a HUGE nerd.

A lot of my relationships have issues right now. Can't get ahold of my best friend, she's being weird, cryptic, and a pain in the butt about some things. I kindof feel like she doesnt tell me about anything anymore, mainly because she knows i'll give a negative reaction to a lot of it. But I guess its how I am, I can't really change that. When I don't like something, I won't pretend to.
As far as the romantic life is concerned, I guess I'm starting to worry that I view the whole thing from a different perspective. Or that I might be "just another girlfriend"... it sounds conceited but I like to think that I should be considered the best or one of the best....lately I feel like I don't measure up or that I'm doing a crappy job. Paranoia maybe. Stressing me out.

I really dont know what I'm talking about. My current situation in life..I'm feeling useless again.