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TaoMan1121

:: 2005 25 June :: 1.59pm
:: Mood: nervous
:: Music: Snow Patrol - Wow

I've been paralyzed with indecision the past week or so. Picking a movie, making dinner plans, antagonizing over how to "enjoy" my free time... it's all become a grudge match the past few days. I don't understand; I'm not afraid of making a decision and living with its consequences, but when I become stuck in these ruts, I can honestly identify two polarized yet equally reasonable courses of action.

I'm also struggling with the NY thing. Not actually going there (though maybe I should concerned considering the two outstanding problems plauging me lately have been my ability to make decisions/act upon them and my ability to micro-manage my life and the world around me... two traits that will have to be running on all cylinders if I want to survive out there). Anyway, I'm frustrated because the transition is affecting every other facet or my life, either directly or indirectly. It affects how I react, how I plan, etc. and goes a long way to explain my almost obsessive tendency to take advantage of every moment of any free time I get my hands on. I crave direction, structure, purpose, and it's my confidence in finding those qualities in NY that gets me geeked to get out there. It's not that I'm in a rush to leave, and I want to take advantage of the little time I have left here... but being stuck in this professional limbo that I've found myself in since I graduated has taken its toll.

I just keep looking for those little moments to hang onto, because I know soon enough I'm going to be too distracted to even notice them.

By the way, congrats to Leeder; he just landed a job with an advertising firm out in Cali. Between the two of us, we now have the coasts covered. WE RULE!

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TaoMan1121

:: 2005 5 June :: 11.10pm

“Can you get syphilis from a whistle?”

::edit 11:40pm::
"It's true, I fucked a pony. You're a genius. How did you know?"

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JediBumblebee

:: 2005 3 June :: 10.15am

getting drunk with my boyfriends mom

not what I thought would happen on this vacation

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jedibumblebee

:: 2005 27 May :: 6.49am

moving...again...tomorrow...

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jedibumblebee

:: 2005 23 May :: 9.18pm

You Know You're From a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.

Third Street is on the edge of town.

You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.

No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

There's no place to go that you shouldn't.

A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

Running from the cops consists of hiding in the cornfield.

You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you're from.

You have to drive five miles out in the country to smoke a cigarette.

There is no point in high-school reunions because everyone knows what everyone else is doing anyway.

Driving cars up and down the main drag is a universal high school experience.

You can name everyone you graduated with.

You know what 4-H is.

You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.

You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.

You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't - same goes with the game warden.

You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

School gets canceled for state sporting events.

You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were and if you were old enough, they would still tell your folks.

When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive back roads to smoke them.

You were ever in the Homecoming parade.

You have ever gone home for Homecoming.

It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

You had senior skip day.

The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

You don't give directions by street names or references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks to the Anderson's turn left and it's four houses left of the football field).

The golf course had only 9 holes

You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty" but is actually just like your town.

Getting paid minimum wage is considered a great job.

You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as "rich" people.

Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference

Weekend excitement involves a trip to the grocery store.

You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

Your teachers call you by your older siblings names.

Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away.

So is the closest mall.

It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

Everyone who played sports had to play on every type of team, or there wouldn't be enough people to have a team.

Being able to hit a road sign with a beer bottle while driving down the highway is considered a necessary skill.

A cool vehicle had big tires or a bad-ass stereo.

You can remember when your town finally got cable.

Driving to the party on a four wheeler is quite normal.

You thought the 30-year-old guy that still was at all the parties was cool.

The town population increases by one-third when the universities go on break.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from a small town.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2005 18 May :: 1.29am

on the subject of the afterlife
Foreman: "You chose to believe that?"

House: "There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life. I chose the outcome I find more comforting."

Cameron: "You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?"

House: "I find it more comforting to believe that this... isn't simply a test."

I want choose to believe.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2005 18 May :: 1.13am
:: Music: David Gray - This Year's Love

weakness is sickness.
You know how to tell when something truly doesn't bother someone? Not when they say, "No, that doesn't bother me," but when they say nothing at all. Those who are truly secure don't need to explain themselves.

When did we become so obessed with judging? Judgments, discrimination, why do we have to villify these things? In of themselves, they are not evil things, and are sometimes functional. But when we allow those judgments to affect how we treat others, that's when it becomes a problem.

Christ, when did I become so people-phobic? When did it become as reinforcing, as plausible to keep to myself as it would be to be social? Guess I just want to keep everybody away so it'll be easier to leave them all. Assertive and somewhat alienated; maybe I'm leaving for NY at just the right time.

"I'm not depressed. Just quiet." Frank Black, Millennium

SandraWMU (1:06:45 AM): i need some sanity
TaoMan1121 (1:06:56 AM): mmm... sanity
SandraWMU (1:07:00 AM): yeah you
TaoMan1121 (1:07:26 AM): wow, that's the first time you've ever associated me w/ sanity. i'm touched. :-)

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TaoMan1121

:: 2005 17 May :: 12.26am
:: Mood: trippy

i had some deja vu just then... and then i had some deja vu about the deja vu
Mates of State - Gotta Get a Problem

Why must we open all other doors
We tied them up well
'Cause I don't want to live with two
Unless we remember one second more
We tied them up well

I break it down
Break it up to the ground
Some branch it out, staking out all the sound

Who bumped it up, bumped it up, bumped it, who?
I sat around tonight with the rocks and the ghosts in the yard
We sat around tonight
And out of the thinking air, one of us doesn't care

And we sat around tonight
Who bumped it up, bumped it up, bumped it, who?
With the rocks and the ghosts in the yard
Who is, who is, who has known us?
We sat around tonight
Who bumped it up, bumped it up, bumped it, who?
And out of the thinking air, one of us doesn't care

I break it down
Break it up to the ground
Some branch it out, staking out all the sound
And out of the thinking air, one of us doesn't care

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jedibumblebee

:: 2005 16 May :: 6.14am

i start my new job in an hour.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2005 15 May :: 12.44am
:: Mood: evil

Haha, I've been a bawdy little monkey. Mwahahahaha!

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jedibumblebee

:: 2005 13 May :: 7.17pm

you know what's really funny?

walking around naked in your house on a warm summer day only to realize that there are multitudes of young children outside your (open) window.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2005 7 May :: 10.52pm
:: Music: The Killers - On Top

Before Sunset
Daydream, delusion, limousine, eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes
I'm delusion angel
I'm fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Latched in life
Like branches in a river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I'll carry you
You'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

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jedibumblebee

:: 2005 5 May :: 11.36am

Anyone know anyone who needs to rent an apartment in Kalamazoo? Mine is up for rent NOW, and I need someone in here asap. Let me know...reply here.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2005 3 May :: 1.06am

it's my gift. it's my curse.
Is it a gift or am I just trying to make myself feel important? It comes naturally, and it has for as long as I can remember. I can look at someone who I have a basis of understanding and with alarming precision, tell you almost exactly how they will react or what they will say. Sometimes it makes life boring, but most of the time it simply soothes me knowing that I comprehend the situation and therefore am in control of it.

It's the street lights, the deja vu all over again. What robs the luster of it is the grounded sense that it's all just something to keep things interesting. Just another way to amuse myself. And all those stories, those television shows could do nothing to remove the shroud of enlightenment that covers my eyes.

Thank the lucky stars the poetry's back. I love being able to tell you everything and nothing at once.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2005 2 May :: 8.31pm
:: Mood: concerned
:: Music: Wilco - Spiders (Kidsmoke)

Here's my thing...
The difference between you and me on this one thing: I know how it all ends. I know how you will feel, how I will felt, how I felt, because I've already been through this. We react how we are programmed to react, and besides, when the outcome is what it is, there is no other way.

You'd like to think there's not a difference between knowing and not knowing, but that's just optimism getting in your way. I may not remember every detail, every line, the slow, sweet erosion of time has seen to that, but the climax and the resolution sticks out like a jagged edge coming out of my temple. A jagged little pill that's still too hard to swallow. I thought to myself, over and over, why does it have to end like this? Why does it have to be this way? And every single time I tell myself that there's no other way it could have went down. You write, and you write, and before you know it, you've written yourself into a corner and you are stuck with what you've got, whether you like it not. And it's true, you can't go back afterwards. You can't look at everything that came before and not see it through the grey tint that the world is now filtered through.

And, oh my god, when you combine the promise of what's to come and what's happening with something so utterly real, when the line between what's fact and what's fiction converges, that's when you reach your lowest point and when those scars are formed, and when that symbol is forever etched into your skin. It's never as good as that one moment, that payoff, the moment where the feeling sucks you in so competely and you drown in it, opening your mouth as you do so to let it in faster.

And this is what I'm trying to protect you from, kiddo. And I fear I'm already too late.

5.8.98. And it's me returning to that spot where I felt (we both felt) just a little too much. The trajectory of the molded plastic as it flew. The mounting insignificance of what I was witnessing balanced with the cruel irony of the fact that what I was feeling is what they were prophesizing. That single hour and a half and how it shaped everything that came after it. And now, seven years later, I get to relive it again, not because I have to, because I'm forcing myself to, but because I don't have a choice. It's my destiny. Once you start something like this, you've got to see it through.

Welcome Jason, there are six days remaining. The time is near.

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