Leeder

Leeder

:: 2004 6 May :: 11.30pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Sigur Ros - Track 1

Have you ever been lonely without the loneliness?

Have you ever been sad without the sadness?

Have you ever felt incomplete knowing that you were still complete?

This is how I feel tonight. This is one of those nights where I should be out and about doing something insanely interesting with a group of people, but everything's so fractured. I have people in different cities, different states, even different countries, but no one here out on my back porch with me.

Sometimes I have trouble believing that I will ever truly find what I'm looking for, because what I'm looking for is so specific, so detailed, that I'm not entirely sure it's out there.

Eh, it's all good. I just have trouble describing myself sometimes, you know? There's so much there, I just don't know how to whittle it down...

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 4 May :: 12.45am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Norah Jones - Toes

The plane ticket has been purchased, natch.

jedibumblebee

:: 2004 3 May :: 4.48pm

I am leaving for Europe tomorrow.

See you later (right).

Email me if you want, I should be able to check it someplace.

jedibumblebee@hotmail.com

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 29 April :: 4.22am
:: Mood: open
:: Music: The Wallflowers - Bleeders

once upon a time, they called me the bleeder...
OK, so before, I babble on for a bit about this intense day that I've had... here's a snippet from a conversation between Amanda and Joe (under my screen name) that pretty much sums everything up:

Fanelia12 (12:44:28 AM): so have you guys done anything BESIDES get drunk? lol
TaoMan1121 (12:44:35 AM): Not yet.

OK, I feel better now that that's out in the open...

There's these two categories of people. FIRST, understand that there is no one better group than the other, but of course, I am going to be biased towards the group that I'm a part of. These groups are the people who feel too much, and the rest who don't. These people who wear their hearts out on their sleeves looking for that magical "one" who will take them far away and ease all their worries, etc. etc. They are so wonderfully compassionate and true and sympathetic you can't help but feel so awfully bad for them when they can't find what they are looking for. It's what we are all looking for, that other person that completes us, some are just more adament about it than others. The problem is that the fact that they feel so much more leads them to a place where they are much more likely to feel an immense amount of pain by allowing themselves to "bleed" for others, in most situations towards those who would never bleed the same for them in return.

I use to be a "bleeder" and in many ways I still am, but everything's different now, and I feel like I'm stuck in the middle between these two groups, trying to ease the suffering of the ones who are dying slowly without the one that they believe will complete them, and those who just can't be concerned w/ any of this. I want to tell the people who are too focused on themselves to get a grip and bring themselves to a larger picture, and at the same time, bring the "bleeders" out of their stupor and give them a basis of belief in themselves so they can find a firm backbone to live their life w/out dying for another. Show them what I have learned, the all-so-new knowledge that I'm holding onto for dear life. By the way, it's not going to leave me, but just the thought that it could terrifies me. Anyway, this isn't about me.

This is completely off topic, but thank you SO very much for that info. I finally feel like we are an equal footing... I know what I'm dealing with here, not that it really means anything anyway, but it's nice to know. Best of all, it simply reaffirms everything that I had already known already. My inituation fucking rocks... I am so smart, I am so smart, S A M R T... DOH! I mean, if I was right about this, hell, I could have been and probably was right about everything else. Go me!

I'm so damn blessed and lucky and rationale right now, I could puke. Listening to two of my closest friends spout their troubles and their pain out onto me, listening to another repeatedly drunkingly reaffirm their love for me, re-realizing everything that I absolutely cherish about my life (e.g. windy late-night drives, X-Files), holding onto my pain and my grudges and my needs and my wants but giving them up at the end of the day, knowing that I'm going to see my parents tomorrow, optimistic of the many opportunities on the horizon, all this fucking bullshit, it just makes me come to the conclusion that...

I'm really hungry.

---------------------------------------------------------

I should really change my e-mail address. It doesn't apply anymore.

---------------------------------------------------------

Are you learning anything from this? You better be, you've got long to go...

You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure, but don't worry... you will someday

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jedibumblebee

:: 2004 27 April :: 9.57pm

Grades:

ADA 225 BA
MGMT 250 BA
ECON 309 BA
BUS 270 A
ACTY 211 CB

I'm satisfied.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 27 April :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: almost bored
:: Music: The White Stripes - We're Going To Be Friends

Part One:

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
On the coast of the Aegean Sea in Greece.

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
My nike shorts I sleep in and my black w/ white stripes polo-type thing.

3. FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Breasts.

4. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?
Modest Mouse - Good News for People Who Love Bad News

5. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
At my back porch or on campus when no ones around (hey, like now)

6. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
Work... but I still like my job. It makes sense, I promise.

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?
Neck... that's where I keep all the tension.

8. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY?
Mind over matter.

9. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
Averages out to around 9-9:30.

10. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
Dishwasher. So clean.

11. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY?
People who don't think about other people's feelings before acting or speaking.

12. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Piano.

13. FAVORITE COLOR?
Blue

14. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUVs?
Sports cars... Jaguars and BMWs=drool.

15. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
Yes... it's hard to explain.

16. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
Sesame Street's There Is a Monster @ the End of this Book

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Summer

18. WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
Cleaning the shower.

19. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
The super power to destroy over-used survey questions.

20. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
Ouroboros on my right shoulder.

21. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Negative.

22. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?
Besides Stef? Kerri Lynn from 4th grade... tell her that I liked her, see her kid, and figure out what's happened in the past decade.

23. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Saturday.

24. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?
An empty gas-can, a six CD changer, some blankets, an emergency work polo, etc.

25. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Hamburger... duh.

Part Two:

1. What do you look like?
Moving on...

2. What song best describes your life?
Let's try something new. Radiohead's "Everything In Its Right Place."

3. Cake or pie?
Apple pie a la mode.

4. What book are you currently reading?
I've got to pick a new one out actually... any suggestions?

5. One place you'd like to visit that you've never been?
California and Japan.

6. Coffee or tea?
Neither.

7. What car do you own?
'94 Saab 900S

8. What famous person would you like to meet?
Gillian... do you have to ask?

9. Favorite holiday?
Christmas.

10. DVD or VHS?
I'm going to name kid DVD... boy or girl.

11. What's in your closet?
Your mother.

12. What singer, dead or alive, would you like to see perform?
Jimi Hendrix.

13. If you won a million dollars, how would you use it?
I'd buy a fir coat, but not a real fir coat, that's cruel.

14. What sports do you watch?
March Madness, NCAA and NFL football, and whatever game/race is on for Rob and I to watch on Sunday's.

15. The last three movies you watched?
Kill Bill 2, an ep. of X-Files (close enough), and Big Fish later tonight.

16. Favorite exercise?
Oxymoron.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
Very, very far away.

18. Favorite alcoholic drink?
Long Island Iced Tea, Killian's, and your mother.

19. Ever had an encounter with the supernatural?
Does your mother count?

20. What's your fantasy pet?
::resists temptation to make it a three-peat:: A walrus, goo-goo-ja-choob.

21. What would you like to say to those you are sending this to?
If you can't see why I am the way I am, then I don't want to associate with you... you're taking time away from the people who do understand me, or at least pretend to.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 27 April :: 7.33pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Coldplay - God Put A Smile Upon Your Face

Grades
Never, ever, underestimate my ability to bullshit. I present to you, my final grades for Hell Semester 2004. Erm, I mean Spring. None of that anticipated crap, this is what is going on the transcript.

Boo-yah!

SPAN 100 Basic Spanish I - BA
PSY 460 Survey of Behavioral Analysis - BA
ENGL 330 British Literature I - B
PSY 397 Psychology Practicum - A
PSY 397 Human Sexuality - A

That rounds out to a nice 3.59 GPA for the semester, and only brings my overall down to a cool 3.71. About what I expected, except I thought the Spanish and Brit Lit grades were going to be switched, which is actually a good thing because Spanish is worth one more credit. Still don't know where I pulled that one from. Although I don't know where I pulled most of this semester from. When I wasn't working too much, I was drinking, and when I wasn't drinking, and most often when I was, I was depressed. When I wasn't any of that, I was procrastinating like a fiend. I lucked out, so I'm grateful for that. I haven't been lucky in quite some time, so that's cool.

Joe's slowly moving in... that's tight.
I'm getting a shitload of hours so far.
I get to watch Big Fish tonight.
Etc. etc.
Good times.

I'm forgetting something... I'll be back.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2004 26 April :: 9.23pm

My new kitty, Silas.
http://www.villagephotos.com/pubbrowse.asp?selected=863685

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 23 April :: 4.09pm
:: Mood: calming down

Face Your Fears and Do It Anyway...
Good news from campus: The fountains are up and running. Sooooo pretty...

I guess the Getty Drive-In in Muskegon is showing both volumes of Kill Bill together, so if anybody in GR or any of those staying in K-Zoo is interested, I think that would be a fun little trip. As many movies as I've seen, I've STILL never been to a drive-in.

FINALLY getting going on my honors project for the LHC. Talked w/ Dr. Carr and Chris about being on my committee, and I'm suppose to get together with the doc's next Friday and whittle some ideas down, and before then I plan on doing some research to figure out where I want to go w/ this thing. It freaked me out so bad to bring it up though. I don't know why some things can be so hard for me, while many others come so easily. I've always maintained that I don't have a fear of rejection... and I still don't see that, I guess I just don't want people to think ill of me. New uncharted terriority scares the hell out of me, I guess... but I do enjoy new experiences. Hell, I used to dread change, now I just tend to fight it, but end up accepting and enjoying it.

Sandra's party was suprisingly fun last night. I had a really good time, but the bad news is that "Friends" is sucking me right back in again. That damn show is way more addicting and heart-wrenching than it should be...

Good times.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2004 23 April :: 1.07pm

Quotes from last year
Stumbled upon this and thought maybe some of you would like to revel in the memories.

"What's something in French? Menage-a-trois!"- Steve, talking to Joe and Josh.

"If there WERE naked pictures of Emily in the study room, I'd have a 4 point."-Mike

Andy- "Do women argue?" Stef/Mel- "Yes/No" (simitaneously).

"I have good jokes. But people just don't laugh out of principle."- Andy

"I'm from the country, but we don't have any chickens."- Me

"Oh, that was that summer commitment thing that I thought would never materialize."- Mel

me- "No, in this game, you don't want to score." Jason- "Oh yeah, we better re-think this game..." Jeremy- "It's the game of abstinence! Mel's like, 'I win!'"

Mike- "Dave, you need to come out of your shell. You know what would help?"
Dave- "Alcohol."

"Old fashioned love making? Yuck!"- Emily

"Fuck my loose pussy."- Joe

Jeremy- "Dave said superman, superman is not a super power."
Dave- "If it's an ice cream, it's a super power."

"If I were us...and I am..."- Smitty

"I would....ranch! Sorry, you caught me off guard. It was an unorthodox question."- Mike

"I want MY food, because I ordered it, and I LIKE IT!!"- Mel

Andy to Jason- "BITCH! On the floor!"

Jason- "It's kinda cold out here...." Steve- That's because you're a frikken pussy!"

Andy- "Didn't I say something funny the other day?" Everyone- "NO!"

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jedibumblebee

:: 2004 22 April :: 6.02pm

note to self:

1. do not miss exams ever again. its not fun and rather embarrassing...

2. difficult to study for exams AFTER you've sold back the book

3. take morning classes so i'm not the last person I know who still has school

4. dont get a kitty during exam week. very distracting.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 22 April :: 5.31pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: System of a Down - Prison Song

News Flash from imdb.com:

Duchovny Says 'X-Files' Movie To Start Filming Within a Year

David Duchovny indicated Wednesday that a second X-Files motion picture is moving closer to realization. The longtime star of the Fox TV series (1993-2002) told TV Guide's online site: "I think [the movie] definitely will happen. ... [X-Files writers] Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz have an idea they like. They keep threatening to tell me [about it], and I wish they would." Duchovny said that the two writers have just begun turning out the screenplay, "and we'll be doing it within the next year." The actor also disclosed that a "big-name" star will also be brought aboard for the movie, someone "who can really score in a great thriller/sci-fi role. ... So I hope that takes the [movie] toward the [TV show's] fans but also toward new fans at the same time."

All I've got to say to that is... EEEEEE!!!

Also, I'm you're around the television this evening, turn into PrimeTime on ABC @ 10pm. There's going to be a story about a couple who have three children that have all been diagnosed with autism. It's about their story, and from what I've been told, it's suppose to go into ABA (applied behavior anaylsis) as a means of treatment... which if you've lived in a shack for the past year, is what I'm doing at Western. I'm taping it as well, so anybody who has any interest in the subject, I'd be more than happy to share. Thanks. Here's some more info about it:

If you click me, I'll give you a cookie...

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 22 April :: 1.57am
:: Mood: perky
:: Music: Incubus - Southern Girl

"I've been talking drunken gibberish/falling in and out of bars/trying to get some explanation/for the way some people are." David Gray, "Sail Away"

So, now that that's over... I just need to see if I can remember how to relax. So far, so good.

So, talking to with them the past few days... I want to thank Christa and Meruan from the bottom of my hearts for their forgiveness. Attempting to come to grips about my past mistakes in relationships, and I came to the conclusion that while I didn't intentionally try to hurt them, I could have handle the situation with both of them quite a bit better during and in the aftermath of the summer of 2002. It touches me, especially in the case of Christa, to see her accept the past and once again become a really good friend. Her maturity(!!!) provides me with a lot of inspiration and strength.

Feels so weird to use proper names in an entry again, insead of the obligatory and cryptic pronoun "you." In my defense though, a good deal of those enteries weren't necessarily directed at a single person, but the world in general. Oh well.

I think I'd got this "binge and purge" rountine going on with my anxiety. For example, I'll fight it off as hard as I can for a period of time, and then, when the stress piles up too a certain level (which is where I found myself in the midst of this exam week), I let go, better yet, suck in all that pent-up anxiety, and I go off a mini-deep end and just freak out about everything.

Anyway, know what I'm going to do tomorrow? Sleep, nothing, nothing, movies and then hit up a couple end-of-semester/birthday parties... Joe, hurry up and get over here so we can kick this summer off.

Rock on.

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