Leeder

:: 2004 26 March :: 2.31pm
:: Mood: overwhelmed
:: Music: Modest Mouse - City Made of Ashes

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

Everything stop!!!

::world continues to move::
Damn... I didn't think that was going to work.

I have no idea what's going on...

3 comments | leave a comment

:: 2004 26 March :: 1.28pm
:: Music: Modest Mouse- Float On

damn, the new modest mouse album is sooooooo awesome.
i've listened to this song on repeat for about 2 hours now and i still get a smile every time i hear it.

http://www.sonymusic.com/artists/ModestMouse/video/ModestMouse_FloatOnVidFull_300.asx

1 comment | leave a comment

:: 2004 26 March :: 10.29am

as of tomorrow, i will have cut off all of my old phone services and will be able to sever ties with my whole damn life.

:: 2004 25 March :: 2.40pm

Attention WOOHU users:

Do NOT ever use T-Mobile for your cell phone service provider.

They suck.

Their coverage is bad and customer service is worse.

They will rip you off for as much money as they can in the name of big business.

Thank you.

2 comments | leave a comment

:: 2004 24 March :: 9.00pm

ugh...i cant think of anything that sucks worse than being poor.

i'm going to be paying out my ears for the next of forever with this whole unexpected trip to europe thing...

but its an opportunity that i dont want to miss.

i wanna go somewhere or do something but everything i think of costs money, and i dont really have much right now.
hopefully friday's paycheck will soften the initial blow of $1000. i dont think i've been this poor since like my sophomore year of high school.

:: 2004 24 March :: 3.11pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Counting Crows- She Don't Want Nobody Near

She dont want no one around, cause she dont want nobody to see...what she looks like when she's down...
arrghhh...
i'm pounding on this paper...

but i'm only at 2 1/2 pages...out of 10.

i really hope i dont fail out of school.

but if i do, i'll have a passport and a ticket to europe...i just wont come back

:: 2004 24 March :: 2.23pm

Incubus
Wednesday, July 7, 2004 @ 7:30PM
Van Andel Arena�
Tickets go on sale this Friday, March 26 @ 5:00PM
All tickets are $34.50

3 comments | leave a comment

:: 2004 23 March :: 4.51pm
:: Mood: i've got a headache
:: Music: Nellie McKay - Work Song

Hey, I haven't updated this one in a while, so here you go...

Top 50 CDs
1) Pink Floyd - The Wall
2) Moby - Play
3) David Gray - White Ladder
4) Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile
5) Incubus - Make Yourself
6) Oasis - (What's The Story) Morning Glory?
7) Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
8) Foo Fighters - The Colour and the Shape
9) Cake - Fashion Nugget
10) Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP
11) Fiona Apple - When The Pawn...
12) Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar
13) The White Stripes - White Blood Cells
14) Eels - Beautiful Freak
15) Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
16) Garbage - Version 2.0
17) Modest Mouse - The Moon and Antarctica
18) Dave Matthews Band - Crash
19) Various - Songs in the Key of X
20) Pearl Jam - Ten
21) Tom Petty - Wildflowers
22) A Perfect Circle - Mer De Noms
23) Meat Loaf - Bat Out of Hell
24) Badly Drawn Boy - About A Boy Soundtrack
25) Beck - Sea Change
26) Dido - Life For Rent
27) Filter - Title of Record
28) Alanis Morissette - Jagged Little Pill
29) Barenaked Ladies - Maroon
30) Nirvana - Unplugged In New York
31) Talking Heads - Stop Making Sense
32) Eve 6 - Horrorscope
33) Sheryl Crow - Tuesday Night Music Club
34) The Wallflowers - Bringing Down The Horse
35) R.E.M. - Automatic for the People
36) Sarah McLachlan - Mirrorball
37) Dashboard Confessional - A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar
38) Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf
39) Soundtrack - Vanilla Sky
40) Audioslave
41) Disturbed - The Sickness
42) Soundtrack - Moulin Rouge
43) Tenacious D
44) Blues Traveler - Four
45) Ben Folds - Live
46) Enigma - The Cross of Changes
47) The Verve Pipe - Underneath
48) Bush - Sixteen Stone
49) Hootie & The Blowfish - Cracked Rear View
50) Soundtrack - The Insider

2 comments | leave a comment

:: 2004 23 March :: 3.30am
:: Mood: slightly confused

It used to be that I would forget to forget, or in other words, I forgot to remember to forget. Nowadays, I forget to remember, but when I do find myself remembering, I remember to forget, except for those times when I chose to do neither.

I forgot where I was going with this... oh wait, I remember: nowhere.

4 comments | leave a comment

:: 2004 22 March :: 7.47pm

i am keeping a secret from most of you. a beautiful, wonderful secret.

5 comments | leave a comment

:: 2004 22 March :: 2.18pm
:: Mood: insightful

Here's another one to blow your mind:

Towards the end, and in the aftermath, I spent a lot of time demanding answers, attempting to elicit concrete point of views and absolute feelings. What I see now is that I never had such complete thoughts and feelings myself, so how was it fair to ask for something that I myself did not possess? I simply tried to fill the empty silences with words to make it all go away for a little bit. Sorry about that.

As for Saturday's late night entry, to Ricci, Alicia, and Fras: Krystal told me you guys were confused after reading my entry and wondered why I just didn't come to you guys, since you were with me. I appreciate the concern, and as you know, I have no problem looking and finding support when I need it, but there's not that much that you guys could have done for me Saturday night. I had just had a really long day and was sick of thinking. I wouldn't even have called myself depressed, I just wanted to go to bed even though I wasn't tired. Some things I still have to deal with by myself, y'know? Anyway, thanks again for your concern, and I did have a really fun time on Saturday, so thanks for that, and extra special thanks to Jason for a delicious meal, although I will never look at day old pasta the same way again.

1 comment | leave a comment

:: 2004 22 March :: 11.52am
:: Music: Sarah McLachlan - Silence

This weekend was good, in the grander scheme of things, I suppose, but it was very unnerving. Thursday and Friday were great, just sitting at home watching basketball and reading a book. Saturday was a very weird day, started by going home to talk to my Dad about the car(s), only to find my stepmother in a shitty mood. Then went over to my Mom's, where she was already in a shitty mood, and after having a chat about finances and my long term plans for school and life, she kinda went off the deep end on me and picked a fight with me. Yeah, it was productive, but it was so scary to sit there in an argument with her, after such a long abscence, and see how influential she was in forming, well, all of my personality characteristics, but specific to this situation, the way she argues. The need to have a knockdown, all-out screaming match, the need to internalize everything about the fight, the need to retaliate and explain away every single statement, they all came from her. I've always believed that hey, all close relationships need an occasional quasi-screaming match to grease the wheels, to get some serious issues out (she instilled that in me as well), but now I'm no longer convinced. Issues should be addressed, but it can be done, the majority of the time, with effective communication and a level head. I sat there, talking with her, with a cool detachment, letting her get her shit off her chest, until she once again questioned my gratitude for what her and the rest of my parents have done for me. I was so pissed, having such an obscenely inaccurate fact questioned (I have no idea what I would do without them, and I've said that in this forum before), that I (almost) lost it. I sat there, getting emotional, and all I could think was, "Damn you for bringing me back into this, this is exactly what I'm trying to run away from." But I didn't lose it, I didn't yell, I didn't cry, and I just continued to let her vent, because it was well apparent that she needed it.

I have reservations posting this much family privacy for the whole world to see, but I've already wasted 20 minutes writing it, and hopefully it'll be a bit of purging process.

I love my mother more than words can describe, but I have to run away from who she is as fast as I can, because it is who I have been for the past two decades. When I've talked about running away from myself these past few months, this is the part I'm talking about.

P.S. "Eternal Sunshine" was spectacular, go see it.

Incubus - Make Yourself
If I hadn't made me, I would've been made somehow
If I hadn't assembled myself, I'd have fallen apart by now
If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow
Powers that be, would have swallowed me up
But that's more than I can allow
Bow yeah, bow yeah
If you let them make you, they'll make you paper mache
At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes
Then you crumble and blow away
If you let them fuck you, there will be no fore-play
Rest assured, they'll screw you complete
Til your ass is blue and gray
You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
If I hadn't made me, I'd have fallen apart by now
I won't let them make me, It's more than I can allow
So when I make me, I won't be paper mache
And if I fuck me, I'll fuck me my own way
Pow! I'll, fuck me in my own way
Pow! I'll, fuck me in my own way
Pow! I'll, fuck me in my own way
Fuck me in my own way
You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself

:: 2004 21 March :: 3.11am
:: Mood: done

I don't have the motivation, the drive, the energy to fight it tonight. It's been too long of a day and I've been too tempted by everything. I'm just going to try and make it through these last few hours and hope tomorrow will return to "normal."

Fuck, I truly think I'm not asking too much here...