Leeder

Leeder

:: 2004 17 February :: 4.10pm
:: Mood: concerned
:: Music: Eurythmics - Would I Lie To You?

So I think I've developed a tic at the bottom corner of my right eye. It just keeps twitching. I haven't passed a mirror since it started, so I haven't been able to check on it.

Seems like my brain didn't get the memo to my body that we are done with the issues and are fairly well-adjusted at the present time. My back was hurting so bad yesterday that I almost asked Lynda if she minded if I went home. Thankfully, most of my energy has returned within the past couple of weeks, but I still finding myself sleeping more than I should.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 17 February :: 12.12am
:: Mood: decent
:: Music: The Wallflowers - God Don't Make Lonely Girls

I really want to get back in the game. Get my toes wet... or throw myself back into the deep end; I'm not picky.

I feel like a kid at Christmastime whose just gotten a new toy that he really wants to try out with his friends, but he has to wait for his parents to get back from the store with the batteries.

::nags from the back seat:: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 16 February :: 11.35am
:: Mood: amazed
:: Music: Enigma - The Child In Us

4.25 days and counting...
Who the hell are you, and what the hell have you done with Jason?

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 15 February :: 11.37pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Counting Crows - Hangin' Around

Tonight, I chose a fabric softener in less than 15 seconds. If you know me, you know what a feat that is. I was rolling so fast at Meijer tonight, I even forgot one my bottle slips. Oh well, it was under a dollar.

Tonight is one of those nights where it's so cold that the snow freezes and you can walk on top of it and feel like you are walking on water. I love that feeling.

V-Day went well. Of course, I spent the vast majority of it at work, but that's quite alright. Pieces of April was a pleasant suprise; didn't expect much going in. Cheap and good; two things you want out of a movie.

Congrats to you-know-who for you-know-what.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 14 February :: 2.34am
:: Mood: sobering up
:: Music: Outkast - Happy Valentine's Day

So, I was going to wait until morning to post these lyrics, but I'll forget/won't have time before work tomorrow. Anyway, I hope you all have a stressless and enjoyable Valentine's Day. For everyone with someone to spend it with, I wish you all the best. For everyone who doesn't, please don't let the holiday bring you down. Celebrate the love in your life, no matter where it originates from. I myself have some fucking awesome memories from the past couple of V-Days, so I'm going to celebrate those. Spend some quality time with your friends, I know that's what I'm going to do. Anyway, without further adieu, the completely appropriate but useless song lyrics.

"My name is Cupid Valentino,
the modern day cupid.
I just want to say one thing.

(Verse 1)
Happy Valentine's Day!
Every day the 14th!
I don't think ya'll heard me?
I just wanna say Happy Valentine's Day!
Every day the 14th!
Can ya'll dig that?

Now when arrows don't penetrate,
Cupid grabs the pistol,
He shoots straight for your heart,
And he won't miss you.
That's alright ya'll won't believe in me anyway but,

Ya won't believe in me but you would fancy leprechauns or ground hogs,
No thank you, Easter Bunny!
There's all this talk about Santa Claus, but see love will rule supreme.

(Verse 2)
Happy Valentine's Day!
Every day the 14th!
When cupid knocks at your door,
You can't ignore me (there's no need to run)
Happy Valentine's Day!
Every day the 14th!
If you know what love means
Somebody tell me.

Ya won't believe in me but you would fancy leprechauns or ground hogs,
No thank you, Easter Bunny!
There's so much fuss about Santa Claus,
But see cupid will not be defeated.

(Verse 3)
Happy Valentine's Day!
Every day the 14th!
Now I know your hearts have grown cold, and that bothers me.
Now I understand 'cause I used to be a bad boy in my day.
I know your tryin' to protect your lil' feelings,
But you can't run away. (Uh oh)

Ya won't believe in me but you would fancy,
Hey don't you suppose to be some kind of player or somethin'...
Bunny!!
Well keep on runnin', player cause I got my good shoes on
And I got 'em tied up tight, so your gon' find out tonight.

(Rap Verse)
Got a sweet lil' darling back in my corner
Below I know I love her but, act like I don't want her
Surrounded by the lovely but yet feel like a loner
Could be an organ donor,
The way I'd give up my heart but never know because shit I never tell her
Ask me how I'm feeling I'd holla that it's irrel'
I don't get myself caught in the Jello jella,
And pudding pops that other opt to call falling in love but,
For the record have you ever rode a horse?
Likely you just sent me to Pluto, I said of course
But if you ain't a sweety indeedy I won't endorse
Han Solo till I'm hit by bullets, obey the force
Bewitch you, and I rich you in better time permits
For now show me samples, examples why your the shit
But how am I to know with the profession that I'm in
And if you do not know me then how could you be my friend

(x3)
Happy Valentine
Happy Valentine (Valentine)
Happy Valentine's Day (Happy Valentine's Day)

Happy Valentine
Pump that Valentine(Valentine)
Pump that Valentine's Day (Pump that Valentine's Day)

(x3)
Pump that Valentine
Pump that Valentine (Valentine)
Pump that Valentine's Day (Pump that Valentine's Day)"

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 14 February :: 1.57am
:: Mood: drunk
:: Music: Coldplay - Politik

First of all, let me say that I think Coldplay has created some of the most beautiful music ever. And they've only made two albums.

I probably shouldn't have drove home tonight. But I did a really good job. I'm quite drunk though. I drank beer tonight. Beer and only beer. Five of them. Some of then were smaller than others, but it's a feat nonetheless.

Monaco Bay is one of the greatest places I've ever been to. I've been there only twice, but each visit has been paired with such intensely reinforcing experiences that I'm completely in love with the place. And all I've done is drink and sing along. ::does the watussie::

Have you ever been so happy you cried? I cried quite a bit tonight. I want this damn feeling in a bottle and I want to wear it as cologne 24/7. I want to be this carefree, I want to be this disinhibited all the time.

"I have so much love, I just don't know where to put it." William H. Macy, Magnolia

I love you all so much. I'm so happy to be alive. I don't care how I feel tomorrow.

Have you ever been completely happy and joyous for another person? I mean, to seriously just sit there and be completely altruistic and selfless and go, "I'm so happy that they are experiencing this" or that they are having a completely joyful time. I wanted nothing from anyone tonight... I just wanted to sit and observe and feel a little bit of their happiness.

I want so little out of this life... I just want someone who truly understands me.

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it." Wes Bentley, American Beauty

This is normally the part where I apologize for being such a bleeding heart, but fuck that. Besides, I'm pretty drunk.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 13 February :: 1.12pm
:: Mood: hombre
:: Music: Pink Floyd - Us & Them

"Call me crazy, but I believe that in order to be successful, one must portray an image of success at all times." - Buddy, American Beauty

I keep writing journal enteries and deleting them before I post them. There really is no reason not to post them, but I feel like I should. I don't have anything especially important to say anyway. So this is kind of a compromise with myself.

Blah blah blah.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 12 February :: 7.56pm
:: Music: Oasis Champagne Supernova

So it's that time of year again: I made a new quiz at QuizYourFriends.com. Here is the link:

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

Good luck, and I look forward to taking some of yours in the near future.

In other "news," I did work start a list on my strengths, I didn't get too far, but I thought I'd throw it on here anyway, for my own paramasturbatory means... I love creating new words...

I am able to show my feelings.
I am clean and organized.
I am capable of love.
When I do it, I contribute well in class.
I write really well.
I am a good listener.
I have very good taste in music, movies, etc.
I have an insanely high pop culture IQ.
My goal in life is to help other people.
I am a good son.
I am a good friend.
I recognize the good that other people do for me, and attempt to do the same for them.
I am a gentleman.
I like trying new things.
I am not dependent on my material possessions.
I am idealistic.
I am always trying to better myself.
I don't give up.
I can roll my tongue.

I wrote those a couple weeks ago, so I'm sure a list today would be quite different and I could probably cook up a few new ones, but I'm lazy and I have better things to do.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 12 February :: 2.23am
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Evanescence - My Immortal

I had it in the bag... I was so money... and then she goes and isn't there tonight. Grr, damn scheduling luck. That's alright, I'll get it Friday, and if I don't get it then, I'll get it the next opportunity I get.

I've found the best way to get out of a bad mood or rut is take whatever you plan on doing, and doing the complete opposite. Worked last night, and it's still working now... I call it the "Constanza" (gotta give props to its inventor).

I did a really nice and sweet thing for someone tonight, and I wanted nothing in return. Just nice to give once a while... and I've got a few more good gestures in the cooker.

I can't wait for Saturday, and I have no idea why.

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JediBumblebee

:: 2004 11 February :: 11.03pm

"I've come to the conclusion that I'm not in a school anymore. I've just paid several thousand dollars to join a book club." -eric

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JediBumblebee

:: 2004 11 February :: 10.15pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: White Stripes- Hotel Yorba

I wonder how long it will take 'til we're alone...sittin on the front porch of that home...stomping our feet on the wooden boards, never gotta worry about lockin the door...
i'm sick....it sucks big time.

I missed class tonite, and by the looks of things, I'm not going to them tomorrow either.

I took a 5 hour nap from 3:30 to 8:30 so I doubt I will be able to get to sleep...maybe i'll get some homework done, but i've got "sickness apathy", where you just dont care about anything or even want to move because you're just...sick.

I cant wait until this semester is over....I want the summer!

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 10 February :: 4.02pm
:: Mood: introspective
:: Music: Sheryl Crow - The Difficult Kind

rhetorical questions ahead...
I know what I want, and I can't have it. Damn my luck.

Still, a good part of the reason I want it is because I can't have it.

I've never known what to do with it once I've gotten it, but I think I have a pretty decent idea now.

A to B to C to D... E's around here somewhere. Maybe right in front of my face, wouldn't that be ironic? How poetic. I never know for sure, I hate it.

I had my A-game going this weekend, but it went away again. It'll be back, but I'd like to be self-effacious all of the time, not just every few days. Which brings me to another question...

If I live for pleasing others, then I put myself in the backseat and I'm unhappy, but if I consider myself first, all of a sudden I'm a narcissist. I think I asked this in my journal last year, but is it narcissim if you can back it up? I told Molly a couple weeks ago that I'm a narcissist with low self-esteem, and I think that can be a pretty decent explanation of how I can be. A majority of being a certain type of person is how much you believe that you are that person. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that stuff I've said for ages now... that's another thing. I keep finding that as many new things that I've learned in, say, the last year, an even greater number of things were exactly what I believed them to be in the first place.

The problem with living totally within myself is that I've never been in a completely stable state in my life, as good as it has been. I can't trust myself enough to put me in my own hands. So I attempt to encompass myself with the ones I love, and deduce what they see in me. I see all and more of what they see, but a bad thought pulls me down with such force... the dark side is so alluring, that it's tough not to be called over.

Every one of my actions is second guessed. When an outside source, especially a loved one, agrees with a doubt I have in myself, my grip and self-esteem collapses. I believe in my strengths a great deal, but I believe in my faults just a little more. This year, it's been all about "what I can fix" instead of... well, what should I be concerned with?

This isn't sadness, it isn't depression... as I write this, I feel a lot better about myself. But I do feel lost, and the meaning of this thing is presently lost on me. And even if I find peace within myself, I still worry that I can only be complete with the help of another. That no matter as much love as I have for myself, it's going to be what I do for another that I measure my life by.

I'm still working on all this, and I recognize the great progress I've made, I just want an intermission... a lunch break if you will.

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JediBumblebee

:: 2004 10 February :: 2.42pm

Wed. Feb. 11th WIDR Rock And Bowl 9:30pm
Bowl with your favorite WIDR DJs at the Holiday Lanes (near Holiday Inn on 11th St. off Stadium, 375-6100). Complete with food and drink specials, raffle prizes, and WIDR DJs spinning music! $5 for shoes, 2 games of bowling and a raffle ticket for... damn, are we crazy?!? ...a Prima Italian electric bike (sells for $1500), a snowboard and a DVD Player. Each additional game only $1.

Friday Feb. 13th, Sat Feb 14th, 7pm and 9:30pm WIDR at the Movies
At the Little Theatre on Oakland and Oliver, WIDR and the Kalamazoo Film Society present "Pieces of April," starring Katie Holmes, Patricia Clarkston and Oliver Platt. $5, or $3 for students -- all proceeds go to WIDR --thank you Kalamazoo Film Society!

Saturday Feb. 14th Night of Rock 9 pm
At Kraftbrau Brewery -- Demolition Doll Rods, Tough and Lovely, and Invisible Mansion.

Sunday Feb. 15th WIDR at the Movies 2:30pm and 5pm
At the Little Theatre on Oakland and Oliver, WIDR and the Kalamazoo Film Society present "Pieces of April." See above for details.

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TaoMan1121

:: 2004 10 February :: 10.06am
:: Mood: overwhelmed
:: Music: Sheryl Crow - Leaving Las Vegas

I do have to say, I've discovered that this is my least favorite part of the school year, now up until Spring Break. The work starts to pile up again. You are forced to consider and plan for the future year, including housing and spring break. For me, hours are cut back at work. Spring break is close enough to taste, but the closer you get to it, the more you want it, and it usually goes by too fast to appreciate it. Factor the shitty ass weather into all of this, and it makes for a pretty gloomy mood. I have phone calls to make, reading to do, people to see, etc. Yet, all I have the motivation to do is to sit and make a journal entry complaining about all the stuff I need to do instead of just doing it. I'm not worried, it'll all get done... I would just like some assurance that I'm doing things right.

I just want to get away for a bit. I long for a distraction.

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