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taoman1121

:: 2009 17 March :: 1.48pm

VALIS quotes
From Philip K. Dick's novel:

"In his study of the form that masochism takes in modern man, Theodor Reik puts forth an interesting view. Masochism is more widespread than we realize because it takes an attenuated form. The basic dynamism is as follows: a human being sees something bad which is coming as inevitable. There is no way he can halt the process; he is helpless. This sense of helplessness generates a need to gain some control over the impending pain--any kind of control will do. This makes sense; the subjective feeling of helplessness is more painful than the impending misery. So the person seizes control over the situation in the only way open to him: he connives to bring on the impending misery; he hastens it. This activity on his part promotes the false impression that he enjoys pain. Not so. It is simply that he cannot any longer endure the helplessness or the supposed helplessness. But in the process of gaining control over the inevitable misery he becomes, automatically, anhedonic (which means being unable or unwilling to enjoy pleasure). Anhedonia sets in stealthily. Over the years it takes control of him. For example, he learns to defer gratification; this is a step in the dismal process of adhedonia. In learning to defer gratification he experiences a sense of self-mastery; he has become stoic, disciplined; he does not give way to impulse. He has control. Control over himself in terms of his impulses and control over the external situation. He is a controlled and controlling person. Pretty soon he has branched out and is controlling other people, as part of the situation. He becomes a manipulator. Of course, he is not consciously aware of this; all he intends to do is lessen his own sense of impotence. But in his task of lessening this sense, he insidiously overpowers the freedom of others. Yet, he derives no pleasure from this, no positive psychological gain; all his gains are essentially negative."

"If you'll remember, helping people was one of the two basic things Fat has been told long ago to give up; helping people and taking dope. He had stopped taking dope, but all his energy and enthusiasm were now totally channeled into saving people. Better he had kept on with the dope."

"We are in a maze, here, which we built and then fell into and can't get out. In essence, VALIS selectively fires information to us which aids in escaping from the maze, in finding the way out... We were great builders, but one day we decided to play a game. We did it voluntarily; were we such good builders that we could build a maze with a way out but which constantly changed so that, despite the way out, in effect there was no way out for us because the maze--this world--was alive? To make the game into something real, into something more than an intellectual exercise, we elected to lose our exceptional faculties, to reduce us an entire level. This, unfortunately, included loss of memory--loss of knowledge of our true origins. But worse than that--and here is where we in a sense managed to defeat ourselves, to turn victory over to our servant, over to the maze we had built..."

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jedibumblebee

:: 2009 10 March :: 9.50pm
:: Music: The Killers- All These Things That I've Done

Another head aches, another heart breaks/ I am so much older than I can take/ And my affection, well it comes and goes/ I need direction to perfection, no no no no...
yeah, I'm getting there. I need some hope to hang my hat on.

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taoman1121

:: 2009 9 March :: 4.42pm
:: Music: matt pond PA - Giving It All Away

giving it all away tonight/'cause I haven't been that good at being quiet
So evidently I have two modes...

1) Constantly finding new things to read/study/watch/listen to/play. This results in excesses of above interests.
2) Moody enough that none of the above sound good to me. Certain thresholds of moodiness result in desires to clean out said excesses and focus only on the things that really grab me.

#1 makes me wish I didn't have to sleep. #2 sends me to bed early.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2009 6 March :: 9.47pm
:: Music: Soul Coughing- Circles

For the right price I can get everything/ Slip into the car, go driving to the farthest star...
a good day.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2009 5 March :: 5.01pm
:: Music: Panic at the Disco- Nine in the Afternoon

Back to the street, down to our feet/ Losing the feeling of feeling unique/ Do you know what I mean?/ Back to the place, where we used to say/ Man, it feels good to feel this way
I'm starting to get frustrated with.... not really knowing where my life is going or where I will be a year from now.

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taoman1121

:: 2009 5 March :: 3.49pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Lost - '316'

BEN: Thomas the Apostle. When Jesus wanted to return to Judea, knowing that he would probably be murdered there, Thomas said to the others, "Let us also go, that we might die with him." But Thomas was not remembered for this bravery. His claim to fame came later... when he refused to acknowledge the resurrection. He just couldn't wrap his mind around it. The story goes... that he needed to touch Jesus' wounds to be convinced.

JACK: So was he?

BEN: Of course he was. We're all convinced sooner or later, Jack.

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taoman1121

:: 2009 3 March :: 7.31pm
:: Mood: ok, maybe not so much...

Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal
My latest "find." Something warm to keep you fuzzy while you battle through the cold outside.

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taoman1121

:: 2009 3 March :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: still sober
:: Music: The Shins - Split Needles

oh won't you do me the favor man/of forgiving my poly-morphing opinion here
Amidst all the stress of attempting to schedule (and re-schedule) my oral examination ("it's kind of a big deal 'round here"), one piece of good news surfaced today... we may actually have a faculty member with some experience in gambling research starting this fall. It doesn't appear it's a major research interest of his going forward (he's into stimulus equivalence right now), but I heard a rumor that he's open to doing some research if student(s) are interested. Not sure how far it'll go, but at the very least I'll probably end up with a new committee member.

I got some flashes today of enthusiasm for what's going to happen in the new couple of years with this program. Getting the area paper done, actually conducting some gambling research, and eventually getting that dissertation defended... this whole orals process has got me reflecting both on the past and the future. For one of the first times since I've starting at QC, I can envision the end of the road, and, just as exhilarating (OK, not as exhilarating), the process by which I'll reach that goal. Who knows, I may actually end up with a job that I actually like/love when this is all said and done. Just as long as I have to wheelbarrow full of money to show for it...

Off to catch up on Terminator: TSSC. For some reason, it's sucked since the spring premiere, which I still want explained to me. Maybe this week's will be better...

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jedibumblebee

:: 2009 25 February :: 9.30pm
:: Music: Beck- Girl

fists pounding on a vending machine/ toy diamond ring stuck on her finger/ with a noose she could hang from the sun/ and put it out with her dark sunglasses
(It starts tomorrow.)

Hmm... this week is dragging. Work is aggravating. I drink way too much wine.

I think I am ready for 2009 to be over...Get me out of here!

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taoman1121

:: 2009 25 February :: 2.51pm
:: Music: Radiohead - House of Cards

A Prayer
Got this from a friend of mine in the program. I pretty much love it/want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant:

Our Skinner, who art at Harvard; Hallowed be thy box; Thy Walden come, they work be replicated; On people as it is on other animals; Give us this day our daily reinforcers; And extinguish our deviant responses; As we withdraw reinforcement of deviant responses in others; Lead us not into satiation; But deliver us from deprivation; For Science is the method, and the results, and the data, for Problem Solving forever.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2009 23 February :: 9.50pm
:: Music: MGMT- Kids

The memories fade/ Like looking through a fogged mirror/ Decisions to decisions are made and not bought/ But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot/ I guess not
I'm not looking forward to the next step.

It sucks that this is the way we have to do it.

yeah...i'm bitter.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2009 22 February :: 7.52pm
:: Music: Ben Kweller- Lizzy

Like momma said/ dont ya let it go to your head/ when your town is painted red/ I'm so proud to know you
Went to the Ben Kweller concert on Thursday with Eliz. It's weird to see that he's gotten old (and we've gotten old, too).

Good times. We ate a lot of food, gambled $3, gave fake names and numbers to some parking attendants, rode the (homeless) people mover, and mostly made (drunk off our asses) fools out of ourselves.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2009 14 February :: 11.14pm
:: Music: Matt&Kim- Daylight

I have five clocks in my life/ And only one has the time right/ I'll just unplug it for today
trying to keep up with this a little better.

we went to Olga's in the mall for vday. totally an old married couple.

i think that i don't update anymore because i dont do anything interesting anymore.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2009 13 February :: 9.11pm
:: Music: Keane- Spiralling

I fashioned you from jewels and stone/ I made you in the image of myself/ I gave you everything you wanted/ So you would never know anything else
pretty sad that I have less than page of journal entries in a year.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2009 1 February :: 6.40pm

How I Met Your Mother
Read more..

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