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2003 20 July :: 10.40pm
:: Music: miss you love-silverchair
back home again. wyoming was absolutely gorgeous. beats the hell out of st. louis. stayed in a mansion for a couple days. free of charge mind you. i'm so glad my daddy's boss is rich. went white water rafting, knew more then the guide and probably could have done a better job then he did, but whatever. it was fun. beau and i were really cool most of the trip. he helped me play poker because i'm quite possibly the worst card player ever. he also agreed to be my pool partner even tho the only balls i ever get in are the 8 ball...or a ball for the other team. we won anyway, thank god he's good...he seems to be good at everything...hmm...
got a new journal. it's very pretty. the one i wanted was the beautiful leather handmade one...but it costed over $100...so i got the $12 version instead. i also got a pair of boxers to add to my collection and a nice hoodie. i also went to a bob dylan concert. the poor guy has completely snorted, smoked, tripped, and injected himself retarded...but it's dylan, the guy's a legend. ended with all along the watch tower, one of my favorites, and before that was like a rolling stone so i was a happy girl. bought a shirt of some crazy old hippie man. it's so chill...tye died...i adore it.
we went took a tram to the top of one of the tetons and watched paragliders (sp?) for a while. that's one of the coolest things i've ever seen, pretty sure. you get a parachute and run of the side of a mountain. i could have done it had we gone a day earlier, but we left for my dad's bosses the next day so...not to mention it was $200. i got a firm promise from beau that we would go next time. i smiled not only because i would go paragliding...but because there would be a next time. this crush is ridiculous. i've known the kid my whole life, he's actec like an older brother to me for as long as i've known him. it's just creepy that i have any sort of attraction towards him. but, then again, if you saw the guy i think you would understand where i'm coming from. he's highly intimidating...but, i'm also very easily intimidated. it's weird, i thought he had always seen me as the annoying little sister that he had to put up with is whole life...but we were cool this trip. i could justify it with saying we're both older or whatnot...which, i'm sure is part of the reason...but i don't know. the comfortabless was just cool. anyway, i should get going. i need some sleep...hasn't happened in a while.
"i'm a cult classic, not a best seller."
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2003 8 July :: 8.06pm
:: Music: buddy holly-weezer
i never told you about warped tour now did i? well, to be honest, it was a little dissapointing. last year was just, incredible. and this year was kinda..eh. dont get me wrong, i had a great time but the line up wasn't as impressive, and i only met one band. my shirt from last year is completely filled with band signatures and i have pictures galore of me and different so and so's. meeting afi was pretty exciting tho. i will say, the ataris rocked my world and i have a new found love for the mad caddies.
in other news i went and saw my mom in showboat last night at the muny. dear god, it was hot. the muny is the largest outdoor theater in the world which is pretty cool. i've only done two shows with them, but it's still fun to say i've worked there. my mother, on the other hand started back in the 70's and has been on and off since. she works at different theaters all over town but this one is her favorite, mine too. anyway, joey was also in the show...ahh i think i'm starting to like this one, which is bad seeing as jarob and i are still "together". he asked for my number last night at the after party and gave me his. i can't decide if he likes me or is just wanting a friendship deal. who knows? not me. i guess we'll jus wait and see if he calls...
tomorrow is lolapalooza! we all know what that means...allie's seeing incubus!!! sorry, only a minor obsession i have. the distillers are playing as well which should be a reaallly good set. brodie armstrong is amazing. plain and simple. i wish i could scream/sing like that. i wonder how she does it...
that's all for now. i'm tired and have to clean. story of my life.
"...like what i happen to be wearing the day someone takes a picture is my new statement for all of woman kind."
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2003 5 July :: 10.30pm
Grafofoni Columbia which means your the fun one.
The What Vintage Painting Are You Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla
i have this painting...i've always been partial to it.
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2003 2 July :: 8.37pm
:: Music: closer-nine inch nails
yet again, i have managed to piss off more then my fair share of people. my mother thinks all i do is take her and dad for granted and i don't appreciate how much they do for me. i left the kitchen messy, that's how this conversation came about. lizz and jarob are mad because i didn't go to the movies with them last night. i had good reason. no ride, no money, and an angry mother. so sarah and lil came and got me. we went to clayton's and watched memento...a very, very good movie by the way. confusing as hell, but excellent. ray's been on the phone with her mother since tuesday night fighting over conor staying at their house. the tension is so thick in this house i'm pretty sure you could cut out little shapes. they're coming back over after dinner. i have no idea what we're doing tonight, but it's getting out of the house. that's all that matters, that's all that ever matters. so if anyone would like to take me in for a while, please let me know. i don't need much, honest. a little food, some water. all i need is a way to get out of here. out of this house, out of this town.
as of now i have no plans for the 4th. hooray for allie.
i leave for wyoming in a week or so. should be fun. as long as beau stays chilled out we should be fine. i hope...
well i have to go get ready. don't know really why tho. it's not like we're going anywhere special. probably lillian's living room like always. we'll sit there and stare at eachother and whine that we should be doing something. call a few people, well, only if we can reach the phone, maybe they'll come over or they'll decline the invitation and it will be a night like all the others. another one to put on the shelf. we always used to have some exciting adventure to go on. somewhere to go someone to see. sigh, what happened to those days? hell if i know.
tune in next time friends...
i wonder if anyone reads this...hmmm
"lets go find a roadside motel with a clerk who won't tell. days will turn into nights, nights will turn into days, weeks seasons and years."
1 freedom fighter |
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2003 30 June :: 4.40pm
:: Music: just sarah rummaging through her makeup bag
they're here. well, sarah is. conor left yesterday around 1. i didn't spend his last night here with them. instead, i went and saw charlie's angels with meg. why? well, i have my reasons...we'll just leave it at that.
they're getting ready to leave to go to the galleria, lil and sarah that is. allie gets to stay here and wait for the yard guys to show up and leave.
watching two girls try and get ready at the same time, with only one mirror, one hair dryer, and one straightener, is...um...comical? only when it's these two.
charlie hurley just im'd me. what the hell? we hate eachother. like, seriously hate. he's asking me what i'm doing tonight. maybe it's a joke. i'm sure it is...
it's june in st. louis, easily 90 degrees outside, and i'm sitting here in a long sleeve shirt under a down comforter freezing...what's wrong with this picture?
sigh. sarah's telling me to go take a shower so she can "play with my hair" i suppose it looks like i'm going on this shopping outing as well...ready set go...
"and that's what you get for falling again."
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2003 24 June :: 3.49pm
:: Music: anyone, anyone?-dashboard
my summer ray comes today...it should be good fun. we're all going to warped tour tomorrow which, should be a lot of fun. last year was excellent, so i'm hoping this year will be just as good. the ataris are playing which thrills me to no end. jarob's coming with us. i guess now is as good of a time as ever to introduce him to these friends of mine, and the person i am around them. yikes.
speaking of jarob, i was over at his house last night. well not just me, but lizz and tommy and matt all showed as well. nothing spectacular happened, but it wasn't a horrible evening either. he has a trampoline, so lizz and i had great fun acting as idiotic as possible on it.
well, the mother is telling me i have to have my room absolutely perfect for sarah, conor, and lillian...because they've never seen it before or anything, i swear. till then, my friends.
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2003 21 June :: 11.04pm
:: Music: bright eyes
"Nature is indifferent to our love, but never unfaithful."
-Edward Abbey
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2003 21 June :: 3.42pm
why is it that all of the gorgeous ones are always gay?
last night was, much fun to say the least. everyone finally left shortly before the sun came up. my house is flooded with food and empty bottles. ahh, the power of cast parties.
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2003 18 June :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: no addict-k's choice
so many adventures so little time...
last week was alumni. and it actually was a lot of fun. i found that david and amy are really cool kids, and, the fortunatly live near by.
i'm supposed to go to a hot tub party tonight. yikes. i have no swimming suit, and have no intention of anyone ever seeing me in one. i serirously need the kind the hippos wear in fantasia. little pink skirt and all. sigh, sarah and i were supposed to go...but she hasn't called me back yet....
ahh i have to go.i'll finish this later
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2003 9 June :: 8.14pm
:: Music: bright eyes
maybe i'm the only one that thinks this is weird.. but when your dad comes to town from ohio and goes first to his friend's house and then calls his daughter from there... there's something seriously wrong with this picture. oh well.
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2003 8 June :: 12.35am
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: you think it's a joke-goldfinger
i love swimming at night. it's so much more relaxing and just...ah, i don't know. it makes me think of sticky summer nights where every care and worry was forgotten. and the only concern was how much ice cream and leftover pizza was left in the fridge. sigh, three weeks and my official summer ray will arrive.
i was supposed to go to point fest tomorrow. for those of you that don't know, point fest is kind of like warped tour. only the music is more alternative. the point is a radio station here that sponsors most of the big shows that come to town, hence POINT fest. anyway, jarob calls me up yesterday and tells me he has two third row tickets to point fest, and if i would want to go. now, these tickets are usually in the $70 price range...and i'd be going for free. hmm, third row...no charge...some good bands...need i say more? so everything was cool, and then all a sudden i couldn't go. so i figured that out and it was all cool again. then dienneca, his sister, decides she and her boyfriend should get the tickets. so now neither one of us gets to go. it really sucks, a lot. oh well, i think we're going to the loop or something tomorrow, so that's fun. i have birthday money burnin in my wallet, and i have my eye on the new jack johnson cd. speaking of cd's, i got 5 today! 5!! that's like, diamonds and gold to me. i love the family birthday gatherings. especially when you're the only niece/grand daughter, you tend to get spoiled.
ouf, i'm tired and still need to pack some. i wish we had a hammock...
"all these poses of classical torture ruines my mind like a snake in the orchard, i did go from wanting to be someone, now i'm drunk and wearing flip-flops on fifth avenue. once you've fallen from classic virtue, won't have a soul for to wake up and hold conducting at the city streets a wonderous chorus singing all these poses."
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2003 7 June :: 9.41pm
:: Mood: exanimate
:: Music: dire straits- romeo and juliet
my juliet....
so there is another time. today has been hell. 6 recitals... 8am until 5pm.. no downtime.... my eye sockets hurt like mad. and i'm so tired that i can't sleep. i need to call allie, need to call lowell... but i can't think right now. conor just called. from fucking west virginia... hi honey.. can only talk for a second, going to play pool... how was your day?? oh perfect sweetheart... lemme tell you. because if i told you it would make things 100% better i swear.
ok exanimate is NOT the mood i'm in. not pissed off tho either... just.. god just fucking tired. just sick of everything going on right now. to still have school left, conor gone, too many days until lillian comes, hungry, cold, need to bitch but dont' wanna talk. just wanna sit here, boiling.
right now would be a great time to play guitar. if only i could play.. if only nathan were here..
listening to bright eyes now. wanting to rollerblade. play piano really loudly. "So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
You've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost..." ahh bright eyes. reminds me of kate... funny thing is i haven't seen kate in a year. i guess its not funny. its sad, really. i wonder what she looks like now, how shes changed... what kind of hug she would give me if i bumped into her in the loop or at a concert.
i wonder how nathan would react. i haven't seen him in pending on a year.. about 10 months... joey in a year and 6 months. jesus. it doesn't seem that long at all. i feel suspended in time right now. that time is moving so slowly.. or perhaps so quickly that i can see it. like in that fucking movie with the guy from swimfan.... timestoppers or whatever..clockstoppers. something like that. sigh..
occasionally
i think of how we used to be
the bright flowers
the table cloths of white..
then i remember we never had any of that
they were in the books
the pages of dreams
i read while you slept
with your face turned toward the door
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2003 6 June :: 6.05pm
:: Music: norah jones-got to see you again
i got my permit today. passed on the first try too. not bad eh?
jarob asked me out last night. you would think i'd be ecstatic. i really like this guy, right? right? i don't know anymore. he's nothing like i usually go for. i mean yea, he's sweet and everything, but, i don't know what it is. i wish matt, his best friend, wasn't so good looking. i reaallly wish matt wasn't so good looking. he has a thing for lizz, so i'm pretty sure they're trying to pull some little scheme of me and jarob, lizz and matt. hah, as if they thought they could fool us. i'm pretty sure this is a trick lizz and i would pull. sigh. he's clingy, never kissed a girl, very naive. skajgfs. it's summer, i don't want a boyfriend now. school year, yes...but not now...right? am i being logical, or am i being selfish? all these voids and feelings i've been complaining about are finally being filled and i'm not grateful. god, i am a bitch.
WHY IS MATT SO HOT?!?!
"lets push things forward"
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2003 6 June :: 11.00am
:: Mood: restless
promise me
posting.... its weird to be back on here. haven't written in awhile. i can't tell you how many times i started to write, many 20-30 times... then just stop. not feeling creative, not feeling like i need to anymore... i do'nt know why.
possible its because i'm still fucking in school (i am right now, sitting on the floor of my 'american dream' class with a labtop, typing.) see... i have this power point thing due today but i finished yesterday so i have nothing to do this period. or any time today. stupid may term classes... layout and yearbook and acapella... why can't i just go home and lay in the sun??? it won't affect anything.
a lot has happened... maybe i just never write in here anymore because too much has happened and i don't know where to start or even if i need to write it all down. conor and i are still going strong... i get really sad sometimes thinking about him leaving next year. only 3 hours away, but still that's pretty far when i can't visit him on a week night.. and this summer... he works all the time, every day until 4 and i'll be in stlouis probably a month in all, and i don't know when we'll get to spend time together. and he leaves tomorrow on his rafting trip... i don't know. its just all going so fast. and next week wednesday is my last day, and lil comes which makes me soo happy to think about... friday awards, saturday graduation, and then what?? then i guess.. nothing.. then i wait a week and drive to stlouis and lose myself in comfortableness. i actually can't wait for that. i don't know anymore. my friends here are pissing me off- everyone but jessica. like some of my other friends still just cannot stop making fun/being dicks about conor and i. and even when i say something and i have tolerated it for so long... going on like 5 months now.. they still continue. i was gonna hang out with lowell tonight, been looking forward to it all week since ive been sick and had to help my ma with dance stuff.. and today he's just like i don't wanna hang out with you if conor's gonna be there, and he said the same thing to jessica about steve... i don't know. and jessica understands- its just like, we're not going to break up with them because you think they treat us too well. sometime he'll have to come to grips with it i guess. but oh well, i was looking forward to tonight- now i'm not so sure.
haven't talked to taylor in awhile. don't have classes with him.
elyse is talking again. figured out about the wrath of steph and is coming back... makes me happy.
11:16 and 20 more minutes until this class is over. its so quiet in here i think i might scream. my head hurts too. the dull aching behind my eyelids that makes them flutter and the clean pulse of blood behind my ears and neck that makes me unable to think. i couldn't do a project right now if i wanted to. I wish i were in stlouis now tho. or lil or allie were here or conor wasn't going out of town or lowell was understanding or ... something... oh well. i wish i was going off to college in the fall. colorado or minnesota or new york.. big exciting places. stuck in little ft.wayne for 2 more years. i figured i've learned enough. i've just been wading through busy work for 2 years and getting A's... i think i probably knew enough at the end of my 8th grade year for god's sake.
i don't know where this is going. i should just "delete entry" and move on...pretend like i never even started to write this. pretend like i sat through class, staring at a blank computer screen. oh well. "update entry" it is.
happy birthday agaain allie... did you try calling me last night?? i didn't get any messages, but apparently lowell called too and i didn't know that either so. call me tongiht or tomorrow after 5. or just sometime before you leave on monday... i have a boy here for you. he's perfect. hell, if i didn't have conor he'd be all mine.
till next time, if there is one
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2003 5 June :: 1.28am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: virtue-ani difranco
hooray, it's my birthday.
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