So I just finished one of the most wonderful books I've ever read. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." Everyone should read this because no matter who you are you can relate to atelast one of the characters.
Sarah's the one that gave me the book. It was for my birthday. I remember that day so perfectly. We met in the loop in fron tof Blueberry Hill because Lil had to work all day and she didn't have any where to go. I had never eaten there before, but we sat at Sarah's booth. The one she always sits at. And we talked for what seemed like ever. We talked about Lowell, and Taylor. I asked about Mike, which i think i should just stop doing. We talked about Aaron, and i talked about how Alumni went. And how Charlie and I seem to hate eachother one minute but can't stop flirting the next. And it was just so pefect. She handed me a Charlotte's Web bag and i just looked at her. And she told me it was my birthday present. So i opened it and found the book, a harmonica, magnetic poetry and watercolors. She said i had to read it to understand. I understand now.
After we had walked around the Loop for a good three hours and went to every story possible and got our hemp we walked back to Lil's. She had red shorts and and she told me how she had always wanted a pair of red pants, and one day she was at Old Navy and saw them. And ya know, i was glad she got her red pants.
So we get to Lil's and on the way we saw the Katie's and Shelley going where we had just come from. And i reminded Katie S. that she owed me 15 bucks. Strange the things you remember huh?
When we get to Lil's she isn't home from work yet so we went and sat on the "field" and people watched. And we talked again. And we tried to make necklaces and bracelts with our hemp, but we didn't have any scissors so it didn't work out too well. We watched Lil's dad take Sammy for a walk and light up a cigarette even though he swears to Lil he quit smoking cigs.
Lil finally came home and she called us freaks for not going in the house and i just laughed and thought how perfect the day was. About how much of a Lillian thing that is to say. The rest of the night really wasn't much. They made me try putting a slice of Provolone cheese on my Dorritos which i surprisingly liked. Sarah and I made our necklaces and braceletts and Lil watched and ate her chips and we were all just there. Together not caring about how we looked, not trying to impress anyone. Just being there was enough. And I realized how much i love being with the two of them because nothing ever matters. They will always be there for me no matter how much of an ass i can make of myself. They'll take care of me. And i hope they know that i'll always take care of them too.
But that day was way back in June. And things have complicated since then. So many things have happened, and so many things have been so un-perfect it makes me sad.
Sarah and Aaron have talked and they're "back on track" and are going to see eachother Sunday. Which is good. They'll talk and everything will be ok again. I'd like to think i helped make it ok considering i was the one that made it un-ok in the first place. I've talked to Aaron twice online and it just seemed so awkward. He called today but i wasn't home and i was almost glad i didn't talk to him. Because i don't want to make anything un-ok for her or anyone again. I can be ok with me being un-ok, but not anyone else, not if it's my fault.
Ray and i have this insane plan for Monday. I can't believe it's going to happen, or that i'll actually be doing it, but hell. I need a little excitement every once in a while.
I feel so ranfom right now. It's almost 3:00 a.m and i wish the night would last forever. My fingers are flying and i can't seem to stop. I love the songs that's playing right now...actually i just love Dashboard...wow i'm not on any focus right now.
I guess i should call Aaron tomorrow. He did leave a message so I should probably return it. Today was good though. I went to the mall with Meg who can always make me laugh and forget everything. She makes me feel like i'm 7 again and i love it. I went to a party tonight too. No, i take that back. They were only eight people there, but it was just enough. Zach barbecued for us and his mom made us brownies and i felt like i was at a birthday party. It was good seeing everyone again. I hadn't talked more or less seen most of them since Almuni.
Lauren's still the insanse firecracker she's always been. Matt got glasses and i must say it makes him look alot better. Zach's still the big brother who's always looking out for everyone. David. Poor David. He's so attention starved it makes me sad. Katie just maked me laugh and Evan's still the overly horny little child that everyone loves.And then there's Meg. AKA my Genie friend, and my best friend out of that hell hole.
I feel really cheap though. And not for any deep or spiritual reason. For some reason the girls decided to run around topless, but we were back and in the dark and no one could see us. Well somehow the guys got to talking about paying us to flash them. Well the pot got up to 45 bucks. So we all stood there and they all looked ever so pleased....yea good thing i was the only one that did it. I did get all 45 bucks, but i felt like such a whore. Like i cheapened myself for $45. Heh considering we were only doing it for roughly 11 didn't make me feel much better either.
I told Sarah and she told me I was her hero. That made me laugh. Eh, it's the guys in my class and i'm $45 richer. I guess i shouldn't sweat it too much.

Yea, so i've typed alot and it seems like i still have so much to say. I"m talking to Lowell now, which somehow seems odd to me. It's nice to talk to him because i haven't in so long, but i almost feel like i should just steer clear of all Sarah's guys.
Heh i talked to Nathan yesterday...goddamn that kid's fucked. You can't help but love him though. Heh. Nathan, what a goof.

Yea, so it's 3:30 and i feel like i'm on No Doz or something...funny i haven't had anything at all today.
Hey i haven't had any alchohal since the 4th. Hooray for Allie!

Hmm, Dave Matthews is playing now and i'm so happy. I'm going to the concert in August. It's the same day as my first day of school...eh i'll survive. Hey i'm goin to Less Than Jake too in August, yay! I have to ask Lil if she wants that extra ticket...

Ahh i'm so frustrated, my computer keeps crashing and i'm losing what i haven't saved. I know had alot more then this tped, and it actually made sense but I can't remember at all what it was. That's unfortunate.

The pictures on my walls are starting to dance...heh. Wow.

I'm so random tonight i have no idea what's wrong with me. I'm almost scared to let this end because i don't know how to end it. And i don't want it to be just blunt and without any sort of meaning or closure. That must sound funny coming from a girl who thinks the pictures on her walls are dancing...

I wish I was running in the rain right now. It would help if it was actually raining, but i wish i could. I would run and dance and cartwheel and not care just like i used to with my old friends. My "old friends" that seems so distant and far away. I do miss them so much though. I miss not being one of the "gang" and hanging out at RC. I miss being known as the "Matchmaker" and always knowing what people were talking about. I miss Lizzie and Lauren and i wish I could see what everyone looks like now. And i wish i could yell at George for being so awful to me. But he's paying now. The bitch hasn't passed 7th grade yet..i guess we're even. I wish i could see Tommy. No, i wish i could shake Tommy and ask what the fuck he's done to himself and why. I wish i wish i wish. I wish Jack still knew who i was, and i wish people would recognize me when they saw me. And i wish they wouldn't watch what they say when i'm arround and i wish they would tell me their secrets like they used to. Maybe i'm just wanting or asking too much, but i wish i was still one of them. I wish i was. I really do.

God i feel random. And the pictures on my walls look like they're dancing or moving. My fingers are having troubles pressing down on the keys hard enough. I feel like i'm flying, but there's weights on my hands.
My computer keeps kicking me off and i'm not saving, it did it again so i should probably end this. As i've said beofore i'm almost afraid too because i don't know how it should end. I've said so much and just feel so airy i don't know exactly what to say. I don't want it to be random, it needs to have closure. This must sound very odd coming from a girl who thinks the pcitures on the walls are dancing but that's what i have to say...and so i've said it again...

So i guess i should do it something like this. No no that's all wrong. The truth is i guess i'm out of things to say. My mind is going a mile a minute and so many random thoughts are in my head i should just stop thinking and listen to some music or something. So i guess i'm done now. Yea, that's it.

1 freedom fighter | free tibet