Argh
So it all went down. It's not 7:59 and the beast has left for work. He says he knows it wasn't my fault and all this crap yet he was still mad and all these crazy things i didn't understand. He said i wasn't in trouble, yet just about 9 house ago i wasn't allowed to go back to his house for a "long" time, or even see him. I have no idea what's going on, I have no idea how he thinks of all this craziness. My mom told me to be strong...i laughed to myself and thought, "yea, to a person that scares me shitless...good plan." So now i sit here, i made the beast breakfast, i cleaned the whole kitchen, and i have two games tonight. I"m going to die. I really think i'm just going to drop dead on the field. I guess it could have been worse. Last night was truly wonderful though. I called him when i got home and we both had plans in mind. I asked if he wanted to go get a smoothie...but he told me to come over and watch a movie with thim. Of course it was scary, and we had pretty much the whole house to ourselves. It was so great. But, nothing really happened. No one made any moves, we just sat there. My face was burried in his shoulder because i'm not one for blood and gore and it was perfect.
When he could use the car he dorve me home and we just sat there in silence. It was the most wonderful/awkward silence ever. He asked me what i was thinking and I wanted to scream "Just Kiss Me!" but i said something about hoping the beast would be asleep by the time i got home. We both laughed and silence came again. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he was still trying to decide. I'm still not sure what that ment, but he followed up with, " i'm really sad i'm not going to see you for a week. " ( He leaves for Frisco friday ) I just smiled at him and we drove. When we pulled up in my drive way he told me he was sorry that i was gonna be "in so deep". I leaned over and we hugged and i just kissed him on the cheek. I felt like such a gitty little school girl. I think he was gonna try and make a movie but i turned and opened the door. I looked up and he gave me this smile. This wonderful-make-you-melt smile. I tried to return it as best i could and he said, "bye sweetheart" and that was it. I walked in the door and the yelling began from the beast. But I just couldn't concentrate. I was "sent to bed" and told not to get on the phone or the computer. See, the beast has this idea that if ever something goes wrong that person did it because they ment to hurt him. So, in his mind, i was late because i didn't want him to get to sleep sooner. He's so fucked, i swear sometimes.
So i go upstairs and just burst into tears. I cried. I cried long and hard, and it felt good. I haven't cried in such a long time, it was such a release. So i get into bed and sleeping just isn't gonna happen. Not now. I could smell him on my skin and i found myself smiling this huge goofy grin. I just laid and stared at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity and started getting really sad. I knew this could never work out. He and my best friend have a little " thing " goin on if you will. And i knew that it could just never happen. And of course the song "standard Lines" started playing on my cd player and i wanted to scream. Because it was so true.
"..So which of the bold face lies will we use, I hope that you're happy, you really deserve it, this will be best for us both in the end..." And that 's just reality. When Sarah comes back they'll get together and I'll have just been a fling. But i guess that's ok. As long as they're both happy that's all i really care about. They're both such good friends and people that they really do deserve eachother. It's funny, she was the one that introduced us. Ironic eh? Not to mention the age difference. But, i'm ok with that. I think i can say i was " his ", only for a moment. But none the less, i was his and he was mine. And i liked it. But i guess reality is smackin me in the face saying this isn't how it's supposed to be. And i guess that's right. I wish it wasn't but i know better. The only think i'm stil confused about is Sarah herself. She went back to Ft. Wayne and camping...with his little brother and didn't tell either one of us. We both think they're trying to hide something from us which is just stupid if you ask me, but to each their own. We were kinda mad, i guess, but whatever right? She'll come back and call him and get mad over stupid things like she always does. And she'll say she hates hima and that she can't believe she even considered it. And then she'll come back to him. Like always. But then she'll go back home to Fort Wayne and just get back together with Lowell. Like she always does. Like she always will. She'll think she doesn't like Aaron anymore, she'll think it was just a fling and she'll be in love with Lowell again...but a week later she'll come bitchen to Lil or I about what Lowell did this week and she'll want Aaron back. And i'll just watch. And give out advice and tell her it will all be ok, like always. But this time, all i'll be able to think is you selfish son of a bitch. You can get anyone and anything you want yet you're never happy. Never. I almost don't want her to come back. I still want to be Aaron's. But, that can't happen. It can't happen. It can't happen. I want it to. I want it to. I want it to. Damn. I'm in another sticky situation. How do i always manage to do this. Why can't they all just leave me alone. He told me he was attracted to me. He told me so. And i liked it. I liked it alot. But who cares right? Once Ray comes back it will all be back to the way it was. She'll get pissed, Lil and I will just stand there, and Aaron will try to make her understand and not be so angry. Why is he so good? Why? Why can't he just be like, "Bitch, no. Not again." But that would be a fairy tale, and we all know i'm no princess.

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