St. Robinson's Cadillac dream

:: 2002 13 June :: 9.23pm

owwwoooooo

You are Allen Ginsberg

The "Which Beatnik Are You?" test was created by . Take the test here!

:: 2002 13 June :: 8.52pm

toga... toga... toga...
my intelligence is fleeting
i feel like a lazy ass
i am behind on the issues
or missing... altogether... so ill informed that i can barely hold an opinion, because i dont have a damn thing to sustain it with- and to uphold it with ignorance would be no different than the war I am fighting already...

briefcase full of blues- john belushi is my hero...

:: 2002 13 June :: 1.54am
:: Mood: blah

i think i have the right to be random...
its 2am, and so i'm just gonna write... and it being late will be my excuse. i'm not thinking about anything important for the next 20 minutes. i just promised myself.
i just laid down and tried to sleep- obviously, it didn't work, so here i am. some random stuff that has happened today: lowell told me (via email!) that my suspicions were true because he didn't want to hang out with me alone before i leave on sunday. he didn't really word it exactly like that but his excuse is the "awkwardness" but it makes me wonder.. if we're "just friends" where does all the fucking awkwardness come from..... it also makes me wonder how i can be so attatched to him, but really not like him at all. he says he'd really like to hang out with me around his friends this weekend... to ease the tension a little but i know all this talk of comfortability is just a pretext for something else... i can feel it... i just wonder when it will come

last weekend, i ignored him at a party because i didn't want to get involved in talking with him and taylor at the same time.. an awkward triangle of lust or like or something that i just didn't want to be a part of that night.. especially since lillian was there. and the next day he calls me on it and tells me i'd been acting "like a real bitch lately." i'd done what he does every day for 5 minutes... and i get called on it? when i've never brought it to his attention once? ...maybe that's my fault but i'm not so great with confrontation and never brought it up. this is terribly one-sided.

nathan called today and even though i was about 3 feet from 2 different phones, i didn't pick up. i'm still questioning why not. i guess that's why i was thinking about him later while i was swimming... and thinking about ezra and me not really liking guys all that much. or rather, liking them but not being attracted to them. or rather, being attracted to them for the sheer pleasure of having a shared interest with some of the girls in my class. because, honestly, without that one interest i would have absolutely nothing to go on.

i've been reading "the perks of being the wallflower"- its the third time i've read it and every time i've read it in one day.
i need to sleep.

...sometimes i just get so itchy in my skin i can't imagine staying with it for any longer

:: 2002 11 June :: 7.24pm

people that irritate me...
because this is my journal, i can lament and not feel (entirely) horrible...

people/ things that bother me:
-people who find oatmeal rasin cookies thoroughly satisfying
-people that dont finish their beer (there are sober children in ethopia)
-elective requirements to graduate high school. home and auto maintence here i come.
-people that sell insence and say that it is opium
-people that buy it
- people that dont write their own music
-people that remix someone elses' music and try to play it off as their own
-afro.americans bitching about opression of the black man then going out and recording 15 track cds full of opressive lyrics, usually involving bitches taking off their clothes while they smack their ass and endlessly improper english, then complaining that the world does not take them seriously simply because they "are black"
-government: drinking age, abuse of power, driving test for 16- but not 60 year olds that cant see over the steering wheel
- people who's ulterior motives are entirely obvious and suck at hiding them
- right wing republican middle age, upper/middle class males...
- the companies that manufacture the tattoo bandaids but dont make a butterfly pack. they make an insect pack and an animal pack, but no butterflies. bastards.
- people that run pools and dont have wateproof bandaids

:: 2002 11 June :: 3.29pm

shallow thoughts...
to emily- beer is fantastic and drinking it in germany should be an amazing experience. i feel that it would be in your best intrest to get fucked up more than once so you come back to hell with some stories to tell that happened to you , not stories you saw happen. also, as long as you're over there, you might as well build up a tolerance for dark, 'manly' beer... guiness style... who else went on GAPP? do you ever get to see anyone you know? i think that you should leave all of us your address so we can send you polaroids and other documentaries to prove how much more fun you should be having, and if youre not, to get your ass out in the street... i want to go to italy...

kristin- it just finally occured to me taht you graduated high school at age SIXTEEN. amazing. i want to see you some more before you go. perhaps hit the... natural remedies... maybe go kayaking w/ wolfee or something? also, lets write a mission statement... need desperate help... how does thursday sound? you are my sunshine.

sarah- 'there aren't a lot of roadmaps in life, but there aren't a lot of wrong turns either' -s.w., tcs, 1999. unfortunately this is only the beginning of a long painful trip called life. especially being seperated from your best friends. i miss sophie... i remember taking her to the airport... hell... my 4th day at kirkwood i about cried the whole time... keep looking... dont settle...

:: 2002 10 June :: 10.43pm

one of the worst things in life.... other than betrayal, loss and unreliability is someone telling you you've lost yourself when you don't think you have. or, rather, when you haven't realized it for yourself yet. when someone asks you "do you need to be rescued?" and you think about it... and you realize the answer is yes

:: 2002 10 June :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: dispatch "flying horses"

advice....
don't watch the others at night, alone. ever.

:: 2002 10 June :: 7.41pm
:: Music: moby "natural blues"

i liked this movie...

you're the virgin suicides. you're sad but pretty, and very, very dreamy.

take the which prettie movie are you? quiz, a product of the

slinkstercool community.

2 freedom fighters | free tibet

:: 2002 10 June :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: dispatch "mission"

you got another thing comin....
i just put lillian on a plane 20 minutes ago.... and its really sad for some reason this time. usually its ok, i'll see her in 6 days, but this time... its like i don't think i'm moving back and this still doesn't feel like my home. bringing a part of home into this place makes it worse after she leaves.

but saturday night was one of the worst nights in a long time. i went to a horrible graduation party and the only person at the party i truly liked ignored me, then called me later to tell me how much of a bitch i had been to not talk to him. sigh. and then in my bad mood, i came home and got into a fight with my mom which only rendered me with a swollen, red face, and a wet pillow.

i hate and miss lowell at the same time. how is that possible??

:: 2002 7 June :: 6.52pm

the only purpose of the teenage 'relationship' is action. good conversation is what good friends are for... i dont think one's success can be compartive to someonelses' insta-action... you have much better stories to tell anyway. hell, there's matt to start... did danas guy have chinese pseudo-depth burned into his wrists? yeah. exactly.

:: 2002 6 June :: 3.43pm

you're girl, interrupted. you're fun and friendly, and just a little bit crazy.

take the which prettie movie are you? quiz, a product of the

slinkstercool community.

1 freedom fighter | free tibet

:: 2002 6 June :: 1.20pm

the last time i was suprised was at singled out, the senior funraiser, when maria evola said, "if you pick me i will give you the best sex of your life..."

:: 2002 5 June :: 9.14pm

our anti-hitler/nazi/etc. sentiment is so great that we sit around and are unable to fathom how anyone could have let it happen, and how the people of the time weren't complacent but didnt have the means to do anything... and it is beyond my comprehension how anyone could essentially LET it happen... but its happening again with arafatt, and it makes me wonder if in 50 years, there will be another AP revolutionary class that sits back and reflects on this year and wonders, the same way i wonder about WWII, how in the HELL some of this shit could have happened...

:: 2002 5 June :: 7.17pm
:: Music: ben harper- the drugs dont work

can i express my love for alchohol and crispy vegetable spring rolls from little saigon? because i have a profound relationship with both. and i have a great respect for suspension bridges and spanish moss.

:: 2002 3 June :: 6.45pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: acapella boys

love don't come easy...
I had one goal for the past weekend, and i accomplished it.. i was really proud of myself, actually. but on a different note, i didn't handle things well at all. I don't understand why i keep making the same mistakes... i see why, kind of.. i see lowell look at me when we're alone, and i see him tell me things and flirt and kiss.... but at school, its an entirely different story. where does that lowell go that i like so much? at school i get... nothing... and when i DO get a hello, he makes sure that we're walking in different directions and i always feel like he's talking down to me.... he makes a point to talk to other girls, and not me, to keep up his "public image"... i hate this canterbury image kids feel like they need to live up to... elyse and i are the only ones that haven't succumbed to it yet. I'm sick of changing my feelings all the time- sick of going back and forth, back and forth..

i'm just having a bad day i guess, didn't get enough sleep... i use that excuse a lot lately..