Die-ary

Dear Die-ary, I think Im dead..............................."I should have known from the word slut branded on your forehead" ........................................"Mors Principium Est" (Death is the Beginning)

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Die-ary

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:: 2008 17 January :: 4.31pm
:: Mood: Peaceful and Content
:: Music: Shpongle - Crescent Suns

I feel good
This song is helping with that.

But I feel alright about life.
Its going to be okay.
Its going to be good.

I'll be alright.
We'll be alright.
We'll be great.

I'll do the graduation thing.
And then I'll figure everything out from there.

I have you.
So everything will be fine.
Everything will be good.

This song makes my mind feel orgasmic.

Really, it does.

♥

:: 2008 11 January :: 1.33pm
:: Mood: (Please let this work, please let her understand)
:: Music: Staind - Fade

Grrr...
I'm not as uplifted and hopeful as I was a few hours ago...
I guess mostly because I realize now I don't know the details or particulars of what I'm trying to do.
It might not even work.. =/
I really hope it does though, and I really hope she understands
I'm so tired of this being about a graduation ceremony and people putting so much emotional value on it.
Its such boggess.
Congradulate me when I'm graduating with a PhD in veternary medicine and procedures or something for God's sake.
When I've actually worked hard and actually ACCOMPLISHED something.
I mean, most people are capable of graduating highschool.

But anyway...
~sigh~
I'm tired of being depressed...
And its not even something I can help.
Well... "help" in theory

I can't stop reliving the pain of her either.
Maybe the reason I always go back to look is because I really really hope it won't be there.
That she'll have removed all of it.
And maybe its also because
Deep down inside
I really, really want more than anything for those months to magically undo themselves and cease to exist.
Because that is a pain that I don't think will dull with time.
Everything else I experienced, from Norris dying to Oct-Nov of 06, that I was able to heal from, and they didn't leave any deep scars.
But...
But with everything that happened involving her. Everything still going on.
Sometimes I just feel like my heart was mangled, but somehow left still beating and still capable of immense love.

But I just feel like unless she is erased from my life, past and present, then I'll never get better.

And that isn't going to happen.

And maybe I could heal if she would just let go and let her heart heal and forget.

But she won't.

And so here I am.

So unbelievably happy yet still so broken.

And I'm sorry, but how could you do unto me something similar to what was done unto you?

I don't understand it my love, I don't.

~~Make me better~~

<3

:: 2008 11 January :: 1.26pm
:: Mood: Eh and Hopeful
:: Music: Nightcore - Field of Dreams

Wow...
Looking back on everything.
Its amazing that I didn't rip out my heart and end it all
Because the pain I was put through back then was just...

Unbelievable.

<3

:: 2008 8 January :: 12.53am
:: Mood: Annoyed with the present, but happy because the fu
:: Music: Daftpunk - One More Time =)

Because the future looks bright =)
I'm feelin kinda good right now
I'm starting make new friends
=)
But I haven't made so many awesome friends so quickly since the 7th grade.
And since then, I've only made two new "friends"
And they really aren't lasting friendships.
They'll probably end along with the school year.
But now I'm meeting and connecting with people I barely even know
And its an awesome feeling =)
And on top of that, I feel even closer to Malic, Dylie, Josh and Bill than I ever have before
And that's an amazing feeling =D
So its late and I'm sitting here semi studying for everything
I'd give up completely if it wouldn't kill my GPA
If I can just give it my all next semester and get the fuck out of here, I'll be good.
I hate high school
I'm so sick of it
I should have switched to online classes before I started this year because, GOD does it suck.
This has probably been one of the hardest fucking years of my life.
But I seriously hope its coming to an end.
It feels like it is
=)
Its seems like it just went to shit after Lior lost it last Feb/Mar.
But if I can just make it through this quarter, I'll be alright.

I really need to be with my Muffin

It gets me through

I've been throught so much with him but it seems like it all turned out for the better in the end.

I really wish I could atleast talk to him right now...
I miss him

=/

I got to have a nice long conversation with Jesse not too long ago, and that was nice.
I miss him
It kills me that I don't get to see him more
I mean.. fuck
He's my brother
=/

But anyway, I'm going to crash.

I love you Malic!!!!
You are everything to me.
Any other happiness I've ever felt pales in comparison to the way you make me feel.
I wish I was wrapped up in your arms right now
All nice and snug and warm and safe.
And most importantly, loved.

I hope you feel a lot better after you're all rested up sweety.

Good Night

<3

PS:: Sorry for the typos and what not, I'm in need of sleep and I'm sick

:: 2007 20 December :: 7.58am
:: Mood: Utterly defeated and crushed
:: Music: That one song from the Dolce&Gabana (sp?) commercial

I was trying
I was trying like hell
To make everything right again
And I was so close
Two more days

And I would've been free
On my way to a fresh start; a clean slate.

But, in a matter of speaking, I tripped over my shoelaces right before the finish line.

And what I mean to say is
I was up all night last night doing my homework
And overslept

And unfortunately, I do have to say that I do this often, but never on purpose.
As fate would have it, I suddenly am unable to hear my alarm clock in the morning.
Of all the times for this to happen, of course, it happens now. Even though I overcame this problem over a year ago.
All the sudden, when I'm already in deep shit, it springs up again.

And well..
It was the last straw for my mother
And now I'm grounded
On top of my previous grounding

Meaning,
The last thing keeping me going was taken away from me
She took Malic away this time.

The one person I could try for
The one person who could still make me feel happy even if my world was falling down around me.
Which it is.

And I'm crying hard
Because I truly need to see him, and even more so now

But now I can't, atleast until my mother leaves sometime after Christmas.

Which is far too long for me to bear.

<3

:: 2007 29 November :: 12.42am
:: Mood: hesistant
:: Music: Korn - Thoughtless

I'm kinda scared though.
Scared of falling.
Because its a long way down.
And I don't know if I could recover from a fall like that.

But.. Gah.
Why do I always have to find every possible bad thing I can in a good thing?
I'm not going to worry anymore.
I'm going to just live and enjoy the now.

<3

:: 2007 28 November :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: YEEEEEEEEEEEE
:: Music: Toy Box - Bestfriend

HAH!
Yes!
Complete and unrelenting stubborness and undying loyalty REALLY do pay off!
Malic.
Muffin.
Just.
Ah. =D
I almost can't believe it.
After all this time.
Finally.
Finally.

MY MUFFIN!!!!!
=DDDDDDDDD

<3

:: 2007 25 October :: 10.05pm
:: Mood: blissful
:: Music: Bumble Bee (ya know, that DDR song)

I'm really really
Happy now.
I love him
And I love being with him
And he loves being with me.
And...
I dunno.
I wish he never had to leave..

<3

:: 2007 11 October :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: Full of hopes and dreams
:: Music: VNV Nation - Beloved

What I want
More than anything
Is to be your angel
And make you happy
And comfort you
And give you hope
And be someone you can always depend on no matter what.

I want to lift you off the ground and sore with you

<3

:: 2007 10 October :: 6.08pm
:: Mood: =/
:: Music: DJ Keoki - I Can't Get No Sleep

I'm down.
Cause I'm worried.
That I'm not making you happy
That I keep doing things that are like little ticks.
Little chips in your shoulder.
And I want to make you happy...
But I can't tell you I'm worried or what I'm worried about.
Because I don't want to constantly show you that I needed to be
reassured all the time.
Even though we both know it.

I just want to make you happy.
I want to be one thing in your life that is only associated with good vibes..
I want to be someone that never fails you.
I want to be like your Kimmy..

<3

:: 2007 9 October :: 1.15am
:: Mood: I is r happier
:: Music: Daft Punk - Aerodynamic

I'm talking to Malic right now.
And you know what?
I love you Emily.
I do.
I don't know what's wrong.
But I love you all the same.
And I have hugs and kisses and cuddles and listening ears waiting for you if you are in need of them.

On another note.
I'm happy again.
And I love you too, Malic.
I had a sooo much fun with you at P.F. Changs and Stomp last night.
I hope we can do that kind of thing more often.

<3

:: 2007 24 September :: 8.59pm
:: Mood: In pain
:: Music: Fan

Why?
Because I need something to believe in.
I need there to be something wonderful to look forward to.
Otherwise, I do not think I could do this.

<3

:: 2007 24 September :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: I can't describe this.
:: Music: I can't listen to music right now. It hurts too much.

I don't know if I could
But I might try.

<3

:: 2007 19 September :: 12.31am
:: Mood: Upset
:: Music: Velvet Acid Christ - Slut

I don't like what I've become
This isn't me.
This is a demon.
And I am no demon.

I need to go back to that.
I need to be an angel again.
I need to be your angel again.
Please save me.

<3

:: 2007 18 September :: 2.29am
:: Mood: a little puddle of misery
:: Music: Evanescence - I Must Be Dreaming

When did it happen?
When?
When did happiness become so far out of reach?
I can barely even see it anymore.

Is it ever going to come back?

<3

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