:: 2004 15 June :: 7.32 am

arghhhh
yeah well Ashley P warned me last night about going to bed angry but Idid it anyway...now here it is 7:30 in the morning and I am getting ready to go work out for 4 hours on like 2 hour sleep. Yes ladies and gentlemen we have officially found the cause of my insomnia. No names right now...it's high time for a friends only entry I need to vent without restraint because god knows who reads this anymore. But...no time right now plus I just can't handle it. I was right anyway....never trust happiness good things in my life are not meant to last or work out.

i'm off to conditioning let's just leave it that i'm pissed off beyond belief for now...

~Jess~

like nobody's

:: 2004 14 June :: 7.16 pm

Blah...
I'm bored....sat around all day I did eventually get to sleep last night though which is good.

Michelle is away at preview with Hillary won't be back till thursday...

Conditioning starts tomorrow that means I have to get up early...I don't know how well that is going to go over but god knows I need to start working out again.

I feel bad I can't go to that thing with danielle on tuesday I just...idk I don't wanna ask too much because even though we're not gunna be drinking or smoking or anything I still don't know the people and his parents arent home and my mom will get suspicious if I ask. Then the minute I say I wanna go with danielle she'll be all suspicious of danielle again...I just got them over all that I don't want to be forbidden from my friends ever again...blah

I'm...happy yet...skeptical about it....does that make sense? Everything is ok but they never seem to stay that way...I think I'll be able to tell better at the end of this week, maybe more will make sense.

anyway...enough of this

~Love~

1 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 14 June :: 12.29 am

**New Layout** (again)
I need something real I can hold on to...It's so hard feeling this way...I'm just tired of being confused and unsure. I'm tired of waiting what the fuck are we waiting for now. But I know...I'm not going to say a word...just keep living in denial.

more lyrics:


if you've got something left to say
you'd better say it now
anything but "stay"
just say it now
we know we've reached the end
we just don't know how
"well at least we'll still be friends"
yeah one last useless vow...
"there are different ways to live"
yeah i know that stuff
"other ways to give"
yeah all that stuff
but holding onto used to be
is not enough
memory's not life
and it's not love
we should let it all go
it never stays the same
so why does it hurt me like this
when you say that i've changed?
when you say that i've aged?
say i'm afraid...

and all the tears you cry
they're not tears for me
regrets about your life
they're not regrets for me
it never turns how you want
why can't you see?
it all just slips away
it always slips away
eventually...

so if you've got something left to say
just say goodbye
turn your face away
and say goodbye
you know we've reached the end
you just don't know why
and you know we can't pretend
after all this time
so just let it all go
nothing ever stays the same
so why does it hurt me like this
to say that i've changed?
to say that i've aged?
say i'm afraid...

but there are long nights when i lay awake
and i think of what i've done
of how i've thrown my sweetest dreams away
and what i've really become
and however hard i try
i will always feel regret
however hard i try
i will never forget

i will never forget

~The Cure~

like nobody's

:: 2004 13 June :: 6.50 pm
:: Mood: fat

Queen of the Damned...
My internal clock is so fucked up I have officially reached vampire status. Did not sleep at ALL last night. It's ridiculous I just sat in my room awake flipping channels endlessly. I tried to sleep around 2:30 but I didn't even get close to hitting R.E.M before my phone rang.

It was Nicki drunk off her ass at some guys house. She needed someone to talk to and nobody else was awake so I stayed on the phone with her. Watched some more TV they play old school nickelodian shows early in the morning I watched Tiny Toons it was awesome...reminded me of john for some reason. In the middle of Catdog (lol) Nicki called again to fill me in on the rest of the ehh details? of the night...it's alright babe you're good no regrets. Hope you got home alright.

I got out of bed at like 10:30 in the morning ate some breakfast then went to sleep...finally. Slept until 4pm....if those arent vampiric qualities i don't know what are.

yeah sooo yesterday went out to dinner with my parents for thai food...then went to the bookstore and got a new book because....that's just what I do. Then we went to circuit city and got my dad a digital camera as an early father's day present. Then we rented identity....that was a good movie I completely predecited the ending I'm awesome. Yeah so....that is my pathetic life at the moment more exciting shit later.

~*Much Love*~
~*Jess*~

like nobody's

:: 2004 12 June :: 12.07 am

**new layout...lookie lookie**
soooo today didn't turn out too badly I actually got out of the house woohoo!! Woke up at like 1 in the afternoon because I went to bed at like 4 and I was just stuck in this dream it was crazy. I had like put my purse down somewhere and I kept telling myself I wouldn't wake up until I found it. Never did find it good thing it wasn't true lol.

Michelle called like right as I woke up and said she wanted to go see Saved...I didn't really know what it was so I was just like sure nice to get out of the house. It was so...idk i think the word is funny just for lack of a better one they said jesus so many times I want to see it again just to count...Mcully Culkin in a wheelchair was quite amusing though

-"do you have to make everyone feel so awkward about your differently abledness?"

-*taking pregnancy test* "Please let it be cancer please let it be cancer..."

-"well theres only room for one of you"
"Im the father"
"Im the boyfriend"
"Well I'm his boyfriend..."

funny stuff then we went to taco bell...must say the ranchero chicken soft taco or w/e isnt all that exciting...though I did discover that I can handle the fire sauce. lol

Evan and I didn't end up going out tonight...big suprise I swear we will eventually get to the dating part of dating...eventually...I hope...yeah

so yeah I stayed in and watched some more movies because I am a movie whore waited for Danielle to get home to uhh fill me in ; )...talked to jimmy...I might go to the beach with him and shane tomorrow that should be fun been so long since we've been allowed to hang out

my parents officially ok'ed gainsville!! All that's left is to work out the details we're probably gunna stay like a week and hillary's already got an extra room....i'd sleep on the floor tho I could really care less. Yeah so Michlle and I will probably drive up like a week or two after summer school ends...does anyone have the EXACT dates on when that starts and ends by the way? I don't think anyone is taking bio with me...*sigh* all byyyyy myseeellfff.....

bleh one more week of freedom!!

*~Much Love~*
~*Jess*~

like nobody's

:: 2004 10 June :: 3.01 pm

El èl...(I think only danielle knows what that means)
god I really really don't know what to do...nothing has changed it's still the same shit that it has been this whole time. It's keeping me up at night it works it's way into my dreams just to confuse me more and then I wake up thinking about it. I feel like I need to deal with it but I can't bear to because I know what it means and I know what has to be done...and I can't it's so unhealthy but I can't stop. I just feel...trapped like I've compleately fucked myself over...but what else is new I suppose.

Right now I just feel...alone but I don't want to be any other way I don't want to be touched or kissed or even looked at and I'm not used to it...this feeling of apathy towards love or almost love or...idk whataver you want to call it at this age. Maybe it's because I've been through too much lately maybe I'm just trying too hard to focus on life and learning to be happy living maybe I'm moving on from a lot of things. Maybe it's just the situation, maybe I'm just in an emotional rut...

I think this is from chasing liberty and as pitiable as it is that I would quote a mandy moore movie it's so true...sometimes it really does take a big gesture...I need to find someone willing to do that for me...someone who actually cares

this is random and it makes no sense...have a nice day

~Jess~

2 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 9 June :: 5.18 pm

blah went to the pool today I'm gunna be all burnt soon enough...que sera sera found a survey anyone who still reads woohu and hasnt sold out to livejournal answer it. lol that includes all of u people stalking me...cough*armando*cough lol j/k i'm just pathetic and bored if you don't answer it leave a message about what a loser I am wooooo.

~Jess~

01. Who are you, what's our relationship?:
02. How and where did we meet?:
03. What's my middle name?:
04. How long have you known me?:
05. Tell me one good thing about myself?:
06. When you first saw me, what was your impression?:
07. My age:
08. Birthday:
09. My favorite band at the moment:
10. Color eyes:
11. Do I have any siblings?:
12. Have you ever had a crush on me?:
13. What's one of my favorite things to do?:
14. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?:
15. Describe me in 3 words:
16. Name 5 things I love:
17. Do you think I'm good looking?:
18. How would you describe me to someone?:
19. Would you ever date me?:
20. Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
21: What do you like most about me?:
22: If we could spend a day together, what would we do?:
23: Have we ever gotten in a fight?:
24: Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years?:
25. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it:
26. What do you think my weakness is?:
27. Do you think I'll get married?:
28. What makes me happy?:
29. What makes me sad?:
30. What reminds you of me?:
31. If you could give me anything, what would it be?:
32. When's the last time you saw me?:
33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?:
34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?:
35. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?:
36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?:
37. What song (if any) reminds you of me?:
38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?:
39. Would you make a move on me?:
40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day?:

4 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 8 June :: 10.25 pm
:: Mood: nostalgic

Today....did a lot of sitting around. Watched Emma on HBO I love that movie it was the one with Gwyneth Paltrow (sp?) I need to reread some of my Jane Austen books....those are truly the only places love works out as it should.

My mom came home and we went to southen to register for summer dance classes. I need to get back in the studio again my technique is rusty and I'm getting way too fat.

After that I went to the bookstore to get another book in my series since I finished the one I got a couple days ago. I love having time to read again it's really the ultimate escape...well the ultimate legal escape that is...

Yeah so then we ate at Panera Bread and I have some communication problems probably due to the extensive amount of time I spend conversing online. I can't call people or talk in person it's becoming a problem. With my close friends it's one thing I can talk to them for hours regardless but everyone else...I don't know. It's a problem I notice in all of us people don't even know how to date anymore we are all relationship dysfunctional because we're not used to relating to people in person....idk my mom was reading some article about it and it kinda hit home. But uhh anyway yeah I didn't feel like talking to the manager to get an application so so much for getting a job there. lol I guess that was the point of that little rant.

I came home and took lucky for a walk. Usually my dad does it but he's away for a night or two...idk where I don't pay attention to such things. But yeah...it was a stroll down memory lane if I ever experienced one.

It was just getting dark and it was really nce outside so I walked all around my neighborhood and the one next to me and around the back of my elementary school. I looked out over the fields and the court and the classrooms and I could picture everything back when life was simple. All of my friends I could remember how to get to all of the teachers rooms and the tree at the back of the field my best friend and I used to sit under at recess. I looked at the playground and remembered playing boys chase girls and having swinging contests my mom picking me up from afterschool covered in sand with my hair a mess. I didn't care then it was all just having fun and having friends. Boys were more interested in me than I was in them....when did that change.

I walked back towards my house and saw a bunch of girls riding their bikes and gossiping about some people they knew. It reminded me of spending every day of spring break and most of summer at amandas house roaming around the neighborhood visiting everyone. All of the stupid games we made up to entertain ourselves going to the pool and pretending we were mermaids...stupid stuff like that.

I always look back and think how sad it is that I never had a childhood...not like the ones on TV anyway a cheap one. But tonight I realized that though it may not have been the suburban fairy tale of the sitcom world...it was simple and it was happy and it was mine...and I miss it all the same.

~just some food for thought~

like nobody's

:: 2004 7 June :: 2.54 pm

Hello everyone this is probably day 100 of Jessica's pathetic summer. lol I suppose I should make some effort to call someone but I am really far too lazy.

Yesterday went to see harry again with my mom then went to border's got a new book exciting stuff.

Lauren came home yesderday just got off the phone with her lol we are just...pathetic. Her car STILL isn't fixed! It's so annoying having to lie about someone else to my mom..."Jess did lauren get in an accident and you just don't want to tell me?"..."nope"

I can't wear shorts around the house anymore because my mom won't believe that the cut on my leg is from shaving. Everytime she sees it she asks and I look guilty everytime.

Talked to...well everyone last night danielle ashley p. altan lawerence Evan Jimmy...amusing stuff lol

Stitchless1221 (11:28:53 PM): lol. eww, jess. just because he is brad pitt doesnt mean his balls dont get all wrinkly

Stitchless1221 (12:11:56 AM): lol, yes! i am going to come and see you in my jessica shirt with my face painted that says "jessica brandi is my american idol. and i am going to have all these pins all over me with pictures of you and i will be holding you hit single "i am a bitch but at least i am loved and you are a loser that nobody likes to move to haiti

MisScarlet219 (12:22:59 AM): and she was like u know who u just looked like karen from will and grace
Stitchless1221 (12:23:48 AM): lol. well you are a drunken bitch that has brown hair and a big rack

MisScarlet219 (1:27:40 AM): thats y i watch the OC
MisScarlet219 (1:27:45 AM): im just like marissa
Stitchless1221 (1:27:54 AM): lol. at least you make things interesting
MisScarlet219 (1:30:32 AM): yeah
MisScarlet219 (1:30:45 AM): too bad im not rich and skinny and gorgeous like her
Stitchless1221 (1:31:37 AM): i dont know if you are rich or not. nobody really likes somebody that skinny. and you are wayy moe gorgeous than her

**lol if you ever need an ego boost talk to ashley**

Ottoman250 (11:24:46 PM): you are special to me, you truly are
Ottoman250 (11:24:57 PM): no woman can ever abuse me so bad like you can

Ottoman250 (11:41:23 PM): do u love him?
MisScarlet219 (11:41:55 PM): idk what love is

Ottoman250 (11:58:56 PM): you would look good with a tan i think
Ottoman250 (12:01:07 AM): i guess ur fair skin isnt that bad
MisScarlet219 (12:01:18 AM): lol oh it is acceptable to you?

Ottoman250 (12:30:08 AM): everytime i walk by i think hes like "haha im gay and i still have more girls than you altan"

**that kid is just so...odd there's no other words for it**

cheddarrump69 (12:36:52 AM): man i need to get a louis vitton hat

**no...no comment**


yeahh so Evan and I are...dating? again I never really know what it's called but whatever it is we are trying again...idk I told him he had to decide one way or another because I couldnt handle the back and forth thing I think this is gunna be our last shot hopefully it works out this time. We're going out friday anyway.

ok my fax maxhine is possessed it keeps ringing once...and then it stops I'm about to throw it out the window. Yeah well must go clean I'll update if anything interesting happens....or if I'm bored whichever comes first.

~love~

like nobody's

:: 2004 5 June :: 3.52 pm

Boring day...sittin at home read some more of the english book. I'm supposed to be dropping off an application at aeropostle but...I over slept so no one could take me oh well do it later.

last night was blah too talked to jimmy bitched about harry potter lol told him the good news about being allowed to hang out with him again that was nice.

got bored called evan...for the record not doing that anymore fuck it i'm finished.

Talked to Jenn and Danielle Harder miss danielle mucho im just bored more later

~love~

like nobody's

:: 2004 5 June :: 12.16 am

Life goes on...
hung out with michelle today...so sorry for the near heart attack I almost gave her last night *hugs*

went out to lunch...since we both have some handicap that prevents us from making decisions we picked fridays just because...well it was friday lol

power went out so we waited FOREVER for the check. Patrick our waiter was starting to annoy me almost as much as Dan from maccaroni grill lol (though I did refrain from stealing a spoon this time)

thenn we went to see Harry Potter wooohoooo lol we are losers but yeah fuck you I know you all went to see it or are planning on it in the near future. We opted for the later movie so we got THE perfect seats in the theatre lol we were the 1st ones there...so so pathetic. The movie was pretty good but there were sooo many discrepancies from the book I was getting extreamly angry lol I probably bitched through a good 90% of it. Overall though I have to say they did a good job my mom is making me go again with her on sunday and she doesnt read the books so I will have to explain all of the things that are wrong lol.

then as happy as I was to be out of the house I came home. We ordered italian food and rented Stuck on You on pay per view. It was cute actually. Things are pretty much normal but I can feel my mom jump from rooms away whenever I so much as move I know she's not getting any sleep and I still catch them looking at me funny.

Part of our "talk" last nite was some negociation I just might be allowed to have jimmy in my life again extended my curfiew to 11:30 (eh) um gainsville is still in a period of "review" I'm hopefully getting my liscense july 3rd and if all works out I'll get my dad's car at the end of the summer and they will buy a new one. In return I have to go to therapy and family counseling stop throwing up and threatening them and try to be respectful and such...it all seems good for now I don't trust good things because I usually fuck them up but...we're good at the moment.

~love~

like nobody's

:: 2004 4 June :: 1.33 am

ok everyone...I probably shouldnt post this here but...fuck it I don't hide things from my friends.

I couldnt really tell you how it all started but its not important...today was just the last straw.

came home after fighting with my mom she left again i dont know where. I got into one of my...moods felt like shit emptied some pills out onto the counter cut a lovely little scar into my thigh. started drinking my parents wine again I needed something no matter how ineffective. I called the only person I could think of who could snap me out of this.

All Jimmy said was how hard he was going to hit me the next time he saw me. I kept talking made him tell me normal things while I cleaned everything up. I still took about 20 advil in hopes it would...idk numb me or something...casey was right it does give you a major headache.

It did kind of knock me out though and I was asleep witht he door locked when my mom came home and she started banging on it and screaming and then she came in and started throwing away all of my stuff and telling me I was changing schools and just saying all of this stuff until I broke down into tears and told her to take away everything because I only had to take one thing from her and it would kill her.

She told me that I can't just threaten something like that lightly and called some crisis center or something about putting me on suicide watch or getting me baker acted. Which is staying in an institution for review basically. And since my parents just switched jobs we dont have insurance yet to get me in2 a youth facility so I woulda had to go to the county institution with all of the major psychos.

so yeah michelle called in the middle of this and i answered the phone hystericlly crying I probably scared the crap out of her. my mom made me hang up but i wouldnt talk to her and I couldnt stop crying. My dad came home and they tried to decide what to do with me I just felt like such shit. My mom said if they didnt send me away she was leaving because she couldnt handle me.
I had to get out I got my fone out of my moms room grabbed luckys leash and took her for a walk...this was around 11:30 I guess. I called jimmy again to clear my head soon I was laughing and myself again I felt all of this weight lift once I got away from the house and the reality. My dad came out looking for me and walked the rest of the way home with me.

I had to talk to them if only to keep them from sending me away. My mom went through some of my emails and found some of the poetry I wrote and it scared her. A lot of it was how I dont care about anything and I stopped loving them etc and of course about suicide. Therapy isnt a question anymore but we talked some shit out. idk im just glad tonight is over. And Im glad to be alive...if only for my friends because I love you all more than you know.
<3

~Jess~

5 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 3 June :: 1.31 pm
:: Mood: odd

danielle and I stayed up until 4:30 in the morning because we are fucking amazing. We found the meaning of life and love...or we tried anyway. And tag...why are we so afraid to be it??

I'm home alone and I'm trying to be happy I can't seem to find my happy thoughts....

**edit**

yeah so I sat around like that for about an hour until I said...fuck this shit lol. Got out my bathing suit and my cd player and headed my ass down to the pool. It was awesome just me alone with my thoughts soaking up all that vitamin D that my skin has been deprived of since as long as I can remember. Even the screaming children there didn't bother me I just turned up the music and focused on reading " House of the Spirits" which actually isnt that bad so far. I'm probably going to be burnt as hell since I didn't bother with sunscreen but...eh red is a color at least even if it's not tan...

I'm thinkin I'll do this everyday until summer school maybe I won't be so white...plus nobody seems to be calling lonely little me so it's something to do...

must make a date to go see harry potter tomorrow...think I'll call michelle.

ok kids, must go rinse off and get dressed before mi madre gets in. Goin to register for dance classes at southern and probably go out to dinner. peace

~Jess~

1 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 2 June :: 9.13 pm
:: Mood: sad...

Today I went out in hopes of taking control of my life...I drove my dad around got in some highway time because fuck if my mom is not letting me get my liscense on July 3rd when I'm supposed to.

I went EVERYWHERE looking for a job. I only ended up filling out a few applications considering my new most hated phrase is...we only hire over 18...I don't care I need money! Hopefully someone calls.

While I was in the mall getting the same old story from every goddamn store my dad decided he wanted to meet the american eagle manager in boynton so I ended up buying a skirt a shirt and a pair of shorts with my nifty new 40% discount. That cheered me up.

It was so hot outside I wanted to die but the highway can calm anyone's nerves. I love how you can just drive and drive and not go anywhere...it was so beautifully pointless get on...get off get back on again...just drive.

I can't wait to drive off on my own. Far away from everyone and their problems and the saddness that is my life I just seem to keep losing things, losing people just losing everything. Just in the past 6 months it's...incredible it's terrible but most of all it's painful. But I'm coping the best that I know how, which is probably not well at all but that is besides the point.

btw I'm falling in love with the cure...the 1st thing I do if I ever get a job is buy new CDs.
somebody told me this song described how he felt about me...I don't think it matters much anymore but...idk I really don't here it is anyway.

~Jess~

Id do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I dont know what to do, I dont know what to do when she makes me sad.

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I dont know what to do, I dont know what to do when she makes me sad.

But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me

A catch in my throat
Choke, torn into pieces
No, I dont want to be this

But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me

She isnt real
I can't make her real
She isnt real
I can't make her real...

like nobody's

:: 2004 1 June :: 11.06 pm

I want a boy...

a new one...all pretty and shiny

with all the latest features

one who wont hurt me

and won't confuse me

and the instructions are right there in the box

in ENGLISH

he should already be put together

I'm done picking up broken pieces

no assembly required

I don't know just what makes him tick...makes him work

I shouldn't have to figure it out

batteries included

He doesn't have to last forever

as long as I have my

extended warranty

a money back guarentee as well

because we do invest a lot in these things

to have to live with the defects


~where does she come up with this stuff~

1 watching | like nobody's