So I finally get to update, I've been really busy with school and softball, and Bill too. I have no time to do anything really important. Like just spend alone time by myself. Or hang out with my only friends (nikki and erin.) And I haven't been able to talk on the phone much either because my mom put me and a twenty minute time limit per an hour.
I feel like shit. Everything has been going wrong. It seems like Bill is pissed at me, I can't raise my grades, I suck at softball, I can't say anything right. I hate me I hate my life. I hate this world. I want so bad to give up but I have one person holding me bad. Thats it ONE damn person, but I love that person with all my heart. I really don't know what to do. If any of you have any advise for me then leave a comment.
I want to be alone. I mean completely ALONE. Just for one day. Thats all I ask. I want to be able to stay at home doing whatever I want to and not have to worry about getting in trouble for breaking anything or screwing up with anything. I want to stay all by myself with all the food that I want. To be able to talk to whoever I want, To just run around naked or something. I want to kill myself.
I hate my life. I hate this cruel cruel world. I can't take it anymore. Well that's it for now.

Now
Today was okay. I worked from 10:30-2:30. Then I went to my dad's house. I found out that I get to go shopping with Bill. I'm so happy that I get to see him. I went on a ride on my dads motorcycle. We were on it for 3 hours. It was great. My assed hurt so bad when I got off of it. After that we went out to eat to the Anchor. It was awesome. This is the most fun that me and my dad have had in a long time. I also found out that he is going to buy me a new set of golf clubs. Yeah I know most of you people think that golfing is a pussy sport but I personally enjoy it. Right now I am at home waiting for tomorrow so I get to see Bill. Well I don't want to bore you all so I'll stop writing. See ya, LYSYB

blah blah blah
hey whoever is reading this must be really bored or must really care what i feel. well right now i feel like shit. i miss bill, i am tired, i'm sore, and i don't feel good. well if you care leave a comment or something to let me know.

joke
there was a poetry contest that an american guy and a polish guy entered, the only thing that had to be with the poem was timbuctoo. thepolish guy was all freaking out because he didn't know what timbuctoo is. So the american went first. His poem was

crossing the burning desert sand
came the mighty caravans
trotting camels two by two
destination timbuctoo

so the polish guy was still all freaking out because he didn't know what timbucoo is. so his poem went...

Tim and I a camping went
Came across 3 maidens in a tent
among the morning dew
I bucked one and Tim- buc-too

When Tomorrow Starts Without me and The Raven
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
By: David Romano


When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready in heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see your smile.
But then I fully realized that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I'd miss tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When god looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I've promised you,
Today for life on earth is past but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
And since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven and now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand and share my life with me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

The Raven
By: Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door-
Only this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; -vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow-sorrow for the lost Lenore-
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore-
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating:
"'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door-
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;
This it is and nothing more."
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating the no longer,
"Sir" said I, " or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you" – here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave to token,
And the only word there was spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore!"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!"-
Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping something louder than before,
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore-
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore-
'Tis the wind and nothing more.

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he,
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door-
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door-
Perched and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said "are sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore-
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
Much I marveled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning-little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door-
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such a name as "Nevermore."
But the Raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing farther then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered-
Till I scarcely more than muttered: "other friends have flown before-
On the morrow he will leave me as my Hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said, "Nevermore."
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore-
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of 'Never-nevermore."
But the Raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore-
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes no burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy god hath lint thee- by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite-respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! - Prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted-
On this home be Horror haunted, - tell me truly, I implore-
Is there- is there balm in Gilead? - Tell me- tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! - Prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that heaven that bends above us- by that god we both adore-
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore-
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting-
"Get thee back into the the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - Quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted- nevermore!

Today
Today was great. Bill came over. The bad thing though was that we couldn't do anything, because my parents were home. But i did get a blanket and we did some things under there. It was still great. I had so much fun. We watched the Ring, and we watched tv. It doesn't seem like much fun but it was.

Romeo and Juliet
Romeo & Juliet
By William Shakespeare

Romeo: He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou her maid are far more fair than she.
Be not her maid, since she is envious;
Her vestal livery is but sick and green,
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my lady; O, it is my love!
O that she knew she were!
She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold; 'tis not to me she speaks.
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars
As daylight doth a lamp; here eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See how she leans her cheek upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!

Juliet: Ay me!

Romeo: She speaks.
O, speak again, bright angel! For thou art
As glorious to this night, being o'er my head,
As is a winged messenger of heaven
Unto the white upturned wond'ring eyes
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him
When he bestrides the lazy pacing clouds
And sails upon the bosom of the air.


Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore thou art Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name!
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Romeo: Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

Juliet: 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name;
And for that name, which is no part of thee,
Take all myself.

Romeo: I take thee at thy word.
Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.

softball
softball sucked big time today. We got mercied both games. We did so bad and Ringler is such an ass. He was just like I'm not mad at what happened, I don't care that we lost it's okay.It's not your fault. He has no damn clue what he's even fucking talking about. I hate him so much. I can't stand him. He is the worst coach ever. I told him that I didn't want to catch anymore, and he made me anyway. Oh well it's his own damn fault we lost. I don't give a damn anymore. He can screw himself. It was cool though Bill came and watched me. I was so happy to see him, seeings how he didn't go to school the whole day. Well I got to go. lysyb
Kate

Movies
I went to the movies today with Bill. We went and seen Dreamcatcher. It was an okay movie. But of course I didn't watch very much of it. It was a lot of fun but I didn't want to leave. The book was a lot better than the movie. It took a while to read the book but it was tons better. Bill's mom was suppost to go but she decided to leave us alone and let us go by ourselfs.
This weekend was so boring. Yesterday was a lot of fun. I went to band Follies with spud, Katie, and Atman. It was really funny. And today I went to the movies. Also yesterday I went to the Golf Galaxy. It's cool I might be getting a new set of clubs. That would be awesome. And we went out to eat at some chinnese resturant. It was really gross. Everything tasted really funky.

war
I am getting really sick of all this war shit. Bush needs to get with the program and figure out that his dad knew what he was doing when he agreed to going into war. G. W. Bush has absolutely no fucking clue what he's doing. I think that he just wants to show people that he's better than his father. Well he needs to get his head out of his ass and figure out that his dad was twenty times the president that he will ever be. I'm sick of watching all this shit on tv and hearing about it on the radio. It takes up all my presious radio time. It's not like I watch tv but it's all I hear about. I meant they expect us to live our life as normal and that's all they do is talk about it on tv when almost 95% of the US watch tv at least 2 hours a day. They expect us not to worry what's going to happen next or if we are going to live tomorrow or not but all they do is talk about it where ever anyone goes. I'm getting sick of it and I'm sick of Bush. He should just give up and let someone else lead.

Test taken
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Fuck up Again
Yeah so today after school I kinda cheated on Bill, which he knows about. I already told him. I'm not going to say who but if you're going to tell in a comment or something go right on ahead, I'm not ashamed of what I did or who I did it with. I mean yeah I kinda feel bad because I know I hurt Bill, but if he really loves me like he says he does than he'll forgive and forget.

Me
So I asked Bill out today and he said yes. So that's really cool. But I wanted to go out with Bill and not Justin. I personally never liked him and I don't know why I put my time and effort into him. I mean yeah he's my friend and all but I never wanted to go out with him and he wanted to go out with me and so now he's all pissed that I'm going out with Bill and not him. I think that he can go hump a donkey.
Anyway now that I'm going out with Bill I have to remember not to do anything with any other guys. Oh well it's worth it. Well T-N-T

fuck off
I have know clue what to do. I mean there are like three different guys that want to go out with me and I don't know which one to go out with. I mean I like all three of them, but one of them I can't go out with because it's illegal, one of them i've already have gone out with and the other one I haven't but I don't know if I should go out with him. Because if i go out with one of them the other two with be mad. Two of the guys are best friends and I don't want to break up their friendship.