i dunno why im annoyed i just am


HOW IT FEELS TO BE ALONE AND NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING!

anyway...

this is what for our graduation song...

There's a time and place for everything
There's a reason why certian people meet.
There's a destination for everyone
Whats the explaintion when we're done...

All the summer nights, spent wondering,
So many questions asked, but no ones answering
Would it be ok if I left today?
Took my chances on what you said was wrong.

I'm jaded, stupid and reckless
Not sorry, when I'll never regret,
These years spent so faded and reckless
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years
ill never regret these years...

Now here I sit, so far away
Remebering all the memeories
Its times like these that I miss you most
Remebering when we were so close

I'm jaded, stupid and reckless
Not sorry, and I'll never regret,
These years spent so faded and reckless
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years

I'll never forget the places we've been, you and I
Our lives, are slipping away, dont want to let time pass us by...by!

Im jaded, stupid and reckless
Not sorry, and I'll never regret,
These years spent so faded and reckless
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years

I'm jaded stupid and reckless
not sorry and ill never regret....
These years

i love that song<3

well i kinda had a bad day...

steph tells me to back off and stop trying to screw up her relationship with paul nd to stop talking behind her back...

i asked jaime to pull the knife out of my back during social...

apparently, to steph, im "clicky" cuz i hang out with completely different people...

im not talking to paul or matt now nd i told steph that cuz she thinks i like matt nd is convincing sophia about that again nd i dont so to prove it to her, i gave both of them notes sayin its nothin personal but ur gfs think im in love with u nd i cant think of another way to prove it to them.

Clavin2OO4 [6:16 PM]: so maybe shes not ur friend

i wish i didnt have to believe that...
and she thinks i talk behind people's backs...
heh...

she shouldnt talk

cuz lil miss "clicky" over here isnt good enough to talk behind someones back ((WHICH I DONT!)) but shes good enough to... hehhh right...

im so bored and tired and lonely and yea

"how it feels to be alone and not believe anything"

kait nd jenn were here for awhile nd my microwave door was open and jenn hit her head and it was sooo completely funny...
so yeah...

joe nd gibby's band might get a record deal!!! omg!!! they were in gibby's garage with the door open practicin nd people were like gatherin around nd listenin nd some guy worked for a company or whatever nd hes like yo maybe u guys could come into the studio nd so theyre gunna go in either tomorrow or april 13th jenn wasnt sure which one but OMG! i was like whooa this is big...

JENRIZ119 [5:13 PM]: no prob olive bob... ok now dun tell no1
SoFtBaLLgiRL2060 [5:13 PM]: i wont olive rob

rofl

we're olives!!! haha

so like, yeah, lorraine wanted me to come to bens cuz her nd joe nd gibby r there cuz she went to hear em play... but i was like no... i wanna hear them play but theres no way i can get outta the house... grr...

im gunna go change my icon... bye...

yellowcard is a great band... a big fat grrrr to kelli cuz yellowcard's comin to her town...

i hate these people but angie martinez nd jay-z were down my block yesterday... cool? i dunno i guess...i didnt think so but other people did... cuz the world is filled with posers...

i had a really bad day yesterday... things from 9/11 kept popping up everywhere... i almost started crying in one of my classes yesterday cuz we had a really long discussion about it nd i almost cried cuz it had such a big effect on me... no one but people in ny and in pa know what that day was like...like, last year i told ash it was hard for me nd she told me they had an assembly and stuff but she really didnt seem like she understood what it was like... nd i mean, its not really her fault... i just hit us so damn hard... i hate that day soo much... and not even the talk in class came up about that... i was on the website for stsaviour nd a memorial page came up nd i saw rob's name there cuz his cousins used to go there... and i started to cry... i miss him... and i think about how hard it must be for sheila... and for emma nd katie to grow up without a dad... i wish my mom had let me go to his funeral... but i was only 11 she thought unless the funeral was for a close relative i shouldnt be going to funerals yet... that day makes me feel so empty...

it was such a bad day for everyone in the city... that day, mrs batista was tellin us that this girl melissa was in our class and i just thought omg... both of her parents worked in the towers.... they're ok... but i cant imagine what it was like for her, not knowing if her parents were alive or not! i was almost in tears cuz my dad works only a few blocks away from the site... i didnt know how far the damage had spread.. i mean, my dad saw the planes hit really close... id go crazy if i kept seeing the images flash through my mind....

i didnt really understand it on that day... i didnt cry that day... and then the next year i was hysterical... and now i cant even make it until the 3rd anniversary without crying about it... i changed so much since then... it has so much more of an impact on me now than it did when it happened... i hate thinking about it... i had no one to talk to last night... i didnt like it... i told brenna nd she didnt say anything nd i told ash nd she signed off so yeah.... everyone else was @ the basketball game i couldnt go to cuz i had to finish my science project that was due today...

i gotta go...

GOD BLESS AMERICA

hello! happy st. patricks day! its a beautiful day! even thoughh its snowing... YES I KNOW! SNOW! OMG! THIS IS SUCH BULL! ARGHH!!!!!!


hi



kelsey fell on stage today! =[ =[ i felt bad she was soooo embarassed! =[ =[ =[ =[ =[ =[ =[ =[ poor kelsey....


hi


i look really drunk right now my hair's all messed up nd i have no makeup on and i have circles under my eyes cuz im really tired and my face looks really oily cuz i forgot to wash it this morning and im a mess... blehh...



anyway!!!!!



hi




i dont like needles...

ooooh! i made a list of things i like and things i dont like... lemme go get it...

::gone::


::back::

hi!

Things i like:

punk, spiked hair, black things, hot topic, random things, mexicans ((lololol)) cop shows
michael vartan ((so hott!!!)), 867-5309, stupid people, yellowcard, hockey, ny rangers, toronto mapleleafs, penguins!!!, fuse, snow days, softball, garage bands, guitars, "the young and the hopeless", sour apple blow pops, football, the jets!!! hair dye!, jake delhomme, food, hugs, music!!!!!, alias, mexican food, my cousins pool
the ocean, crying, guys w/shoulders to cry on ((cuz girls suck to cry on cuz they only care about themselves and dont worry im including myself in that)), advil, laughing til your face hurts, french vanilla hot chocolate, san jose sharks, patrick marleau, curtis joseph, video games with mario in them, arrows pointing in the wrong direction, motrin, headbangin, punk'd... ok i'll put more later i need to get into things i dont like...


Things i dont like
PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE, preps, posers, the white stripes, needles, rap, hiphop, most guys, sluts, pop music, 9/11 <3, terrorists, chicks who show alot of skin, little kids, needles, diana, snow, being bored, 4 year olds, convos ending with hey whats up, my cousin, not talking to ashley for a long time, cds with only one good song, octopus, food with too much lemon, being in a restaurant for an hour before food comes, too much bass in a song, school, needles, tests, blondes who think they're all that and a bag of chips, bananas, being grounded, losing things, realizing no one cares about you...., being depressed, when people hang up on you, fighting with your best friend in the entire world, homework, needles, smelly people! lol, losing a big game, bad hair days, im tired of typing....

hi



bye

i dont wanna be told to grow up
and i dont wanna change
i just wanna have fun
i dont wanna grow up

softball canceled this weekend... grrr

OMG!!!! I HAVE TO GET A BLOOD TEST SOON!!!! OMG IM GUNNA DIE!!! crappppppppp i really really dont wanna... ::shudders:: i hate needles

omg im about to cry... coco's being soo mean! shes torturing me with how her tb test wasnt just a poke like the last one i can remember... how they like dug deep into the skin nd stuff AAH!!! i must have screamed a good 20 times... you have no idea how much i screamed she brought me on the verge of tears i had to put the speaker of the computer up to my ear to hear the music playing and had to SCREAM the words so i couldnt hear her... its simple plan... addicted... u know how they go "heartbreaker!" yea well she had just been talking about how the needle goes thru the vein and stuff for the blood test and she screams "VEIN BREAKER!" i screamed soo loud anyone walking by the house would have been like wtf...so mean...

i need to go cry to myself in my own little corner...




hmm... i already did that today..

Mood: la la la
Clothes: black shirt, black pants, black nails, black makeup, black everything... except my eyes those are blue
Thinking: i want cake...
Wanting: the world to stop being evil
Weather: i dunno... its like dark...
Loving: absolutely nothing
Hating: everything in the world except my music and the color black
Watching: the screen
Most overused phrase: shut up, i hate you
What's all on your wall in your room: PICTURES OF BLINK!
What song describes you best: the young and the hopeless
Your current boyfriend/girlfriend: single and satisfied!
Funniest memory: um... alot... the seizure fish!!!!!!! rofl or maybe buttsniff... NEVER SEE JEEPERS CREEPERS 2 IT WAS SO BAD AND THE BLACK GUYS DIED FIRST AND THE REALLY UGLY BLONDE KID YELLED 'SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BUTTSNIFF!'
Saddest memory: 9/11/01<3 RIP rob scandole<3
Best Sexual memory: i dont have any! haha
Had sex more then once in a period of 5 hours: oooooh yea lol
Do you like humping things: uh... no.
Ever stuck your tounge out and wink at a hot girl that passed by: haha thats a good idea... but no.
Do you bark out the window: occasionally =]
Where do you go to school: st. a's but soon to be sshs!!!
Last person to make your heart fall to your feet: that is a secret and no one will ever know
Last person you were in love with: still a secret
Makes you piss yourself laughing: steph lol we laugh way to hard girl
Annoys you: almost everyone in the entire world
You miss the most: i miss ashley<3 come back!!! im so lonely!!!
Were in a car with: um... mom
Was over your house last: my aunt... last night... and her bf... we watched the apprentice lol... thats a good showw
You haven't talked to in months: seems like ashley..
Last person you kissed: no one at all knows that not even ashley so dont expect me to be telling the world
Last persons house you were at: molly and courtney's lol
Last person that IMed you: jess
Acts like you the most: caroline... jump off bitch!
Has changed the most: me...
Are you most likely to marry: if i knew id be engaged!
Lied about your age: yea i tell people im 2...
Broke the law: ::looks around:: um... ::runs away::
Cried in public: i almost did today... and no im not telling you why its not for you to know
Commited suicide: i dont wanna talk about it...
Ran away from home: no lol
Ran away from home and got caught: if i didnt run then i didnt get caught
Been attracted to the same sex: no



Pick a band/ musician: good charlotte!
Answer the questions using only their song titles.
1. Are you male or female: riot girl
2. Describe yourself:the young and the hopeless
3. How do some people feel about you?: say anything, i heard you
4. How do you feel about yourself?:emotionless, wondering
5. Describe an old girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: movin on
6. Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: emotionless
7. Where are you?: east coast anthem
8. Where would you rather be?: a new beginning
9. Describe what you want to be: the day that i die
10. Describe how you live: walk by, wondering
11. Describe how you love: complicated
12. Share a few words of wisdom: CHANGE!

hmm... that was a good band to pick... i like the last one... just change... all of you...

//people suck... deal with it\\

heyy... omg dance almost killed me... krissy nd me were like doubling over cuz we were so tired.. aah im soo good i might be gettin ali and matt back together<3 cuz i have skills! he actually listened to me! he doesnt listen to anyone and he listened to me cuz i have skills!!! woot!

Auto response from Alicatt87 [7:16 PM]: no guy is worth ur tears... and wen u find 1 dat is... he wont make u cry...
BlindedByTears2x [7:16 PM]: if u wont listen to me, listen to what your own away message just said...

seriously... ali stop crying... you dont have the music to jerk the tears too in that song<3 i, i wanna fall in love, tonight! and i remember when u said, everything, is gunna be alright...

life sucks...

i got buddha today...

the unscratched one ::coughlorrainecough::

ali almost lost it...

bitch...

just kidding...

anyway... im really bored... and i almost put a bullet thru alis head cuz she really couldnt find the cd... grr...
'OCTOBER AIR REMINDS ME OF ALL THE SEASONS OF YOUR LOVE AND WHAT IT WAS LIKE WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER!' oops... no caps... i didnt even realize i did that...

i miss ashley... we had such a good convo last time we talked... i miss those convos... =[

stupid people all around me... people in brooklyn judge so much... its like i dun care what you think... why do you spend so much time trying to let me know u dont like me... if u dont like me then stay away from me... assholes...

i need to clean my ring...

i need a shower too... i got all sweaty from dance... for the first time in awhile...

i wish people would just shut up... i hate people... they're so judgemental and expecting and needy... why cant people just be independent...gc describes it perfectly in two songs...
I DONT REALLY WANNA BE LIKE YOU
I DONT WANNA DO THE THINGS YOU DO
I NEVER WANNA HEAR THE WORDS YOU SAY

dont care about a thing today, i used to but im fed up, and i can hear the words you say, i wish that you would shut up, i dont want your boring life, i dont want your 9 to 5 or anyone to tell me how to live my life

thank you very much
now i have to get to my homework, which is an evil demon who is taking over the earth using giant man eating flies. bye.

ooh and by the way i have a new line to describe me...

i dont care...



i feel like posting some lyrics..





i used to know the sound of a smile
in your voice
but right now, all i feel, is the pain of the fighting starting up again.
all the things we talk about, you know they stay on my mind,
all the things we laugh about, they'll bring us through it every time.
when will you laugh again
laugh like you did back when
we made noise til 3 am
and the neighbors would complain!
--say anything<3

hard days made me hard nights shaped me
i dunno they somehow saved me
and i know im making something
out of this life they call nothing
i'll take what i want, take what i need,
they say its wrong but its right for me,
i wont look down wont say im sorry
i know that only god can judge me
and if i make it thru the day, will tomorrow be the same?
am i just running in place?
and if i stumble and i fall,
should i get up and carry on
will it all just be the same
cuz im young and im hopeless
im lost and i know this
im going nowhere fast thats what they say
im troublesome im falling
im angry at my father
its me against this world and i dont care
-the young and the hopeless...

can you see why i love that song so much? cuz every single word of that describes me exactly...

those hard days that made me were the days when i was in serious depression...
and after i got over it, i guess they did save me in a way cuz i look at life differently now...
and i will go somewhere in life... i know i will...i do whatever i need/want to satisfy me...i never apologize... at least not sincerely..and everytime i mess up i know im coming back to the same thing as before nothings different...i know that im lost, and i know that im falling... and im usually mad at my dad at least once a day... and it really is me against this world...cuz you cant trust anybody at all... its horrible but true... you cant trust anyone... but like i said above... I DONT CARE.

softball practice today... katie came... shes one of the new girls we got on the team... nd shes good!! we were really impressed considering shes 2 years younger than us! shes a pretty good hitter nd a great fielder... anyway... ali bought me monkey socks =). just thought you all should know

i hate almost everyone in the world... heres a list of people i dont hate... heh i have to look thru my b/l for a list of people cuz i cant think of many...


my parents and my brother ((for once))
ashley
emily
christina c
kait
adrianna
sophia
mike b
jenn
lucy
paul
matt
mark
tim
joe
lauren flynn
tina
megan
danielle
steph
cassie
jackass =]~
lauren my cuz
twin

hmm... it may seem a lil long... but 23 people from my buddy list outta 200? yea well thats kinda not many people... im tellin youu everyone in the world pisses me off... nd if ur reading this nd u think ohh maybe she missed my sn well ur wrong sorry... i didnt forget anyone... i hate the world! yup... anyway... there r probably a few others whos sns i dun have but whatever... go ahead, i know what some of u r thinking... u read the list too fast nd missed ur name... well u didnt so oh well... hmm... should i make a list of the top ten people i hate? nahh thats just mean... aw forget it everyone else is mean why shouldnt i be? oh yea now i remember cuz im too tired to use any more of my energy with this... im bored so im just gunna go play music nd wonder why the world sucks... oh nd for all u people who've heard about that girl who's missing... melissa kennedy... if ya believe in God, pray to him for her... i know her sister... not personally... but shes a really nice girl nd i feel really bad for her so at least HOPE for her to come home... ok? ok... bye.

JENRIZ119 [4:52 PM]: ok ok... u got "madd skills"
BlindedByTears2x [4:54 PM]: thank you, thank you very much

oooh yeaa lolol... im gettin ready to go ice skating..what to wear, what to wear... shes gunna break soon! sry im listenin to that song =] soo yeaaa.... BORED! hahaahaha i got so sick in school i almost collapsed... uHhOoHhHh... AAAH!!! NEWS!!!! LUCY'S MOM HAD THE BABY!!!!!!! YAYY!!! a lil boy named robert!!! =] =] =] =] =] =] =]! me nd steph saw her waitin on the corner when we got outta school nd we knew why she wasnt in today so we just screamed nd ran across the street nd hugged her lol yay yay yay!!! but grr to veronica shes driving me insane about practicing for softball saying "ooh yea armands practicing 2 days a week nd we havent started yet" but does armand work 5 days a week outta the house from 730 til 8 @ night? noo! im like hes freakin busy nd who cares what they're doing yea i wanna beat them too but who really cares about them!!!! they were unfair in the players they got so why should we treat them like they're just a great team because they have talent when in reality theyre a good team cuz armand got them stacked... yea... i gotta make sure none of them read this... hmm... thats ok... well i gotta go get ready... and to every single person that reads this that knows me except ashley... I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **!>** ALL YOU PEOPLE PISS ME OFF! YES... EVEN YOU

sry i havent updated in awhile but if ya can remember my last post saying OMG I FEEL SO SICK! well yea i got sick... this might sound nasty but in a matter of like 9 hours i puked 6 times =] sry to share but i was really sick nd couldnt move so yea... i stayed home from school today, even though i feel better cuz i really needed sleep... nd my mom said in like an hour we're gunna go pick out my new cell!!! yay!!! im so sick of mine now nd im gettin a new one!!!!! wheeee! ok yea i gotta go finish gettin dressed so i can actually go nd get the phone =]... actually im probably not getting it today but... oh nvmd... too long a story... but im getting it! woot! bye!

hmm... i have really bad cramps nd i just wanna roll over nd die!!! =] haha i saw trevor today nd jens mad cuz iput him on the phonee =] =] =] aaah i wanna throw up! more later i have to go shoot myself cuz i feel so miserable

lmao me nd lorraine ((oh btw i dont hate her anymoree lol)) nd mark nd mike were walking home nd u know the fish tank in the window of dragon china? well mike scared the fish nd then one of them like started vibrating! it would shake alot... then stop... then start... then stop... AND THEN IT DIED AND CAME BACK TO LIFE!!! IT STARTED FLOATING AT THE TOP OF THE TANK! omgg it was soo funny it was like floating vertically at first nd then it had its stomach up like a dead fish usually does nd were laughing so hard cuz we think mike scared the fish to death but then it starts vibrating again... its like the thing was having a seizure... nd it was still floating but it was shaking and all of a sudden it just flips itself over n swims away... it was great! sooo freakin funny holy crap lol we really thought it died...

aaah freakin scared shitless right now... someone called nd asked the girl im babysitting if her parents were home she said no they arent available nd then hung up... aaah! scared =[

aaah havent written in soo long... sooo much happened... so here it goes!

*I GOT THE BOXCAR RACER CD!!!! AAH!!!!
*i was suicidal for a long time, then i got over it... thank u ash, meg
*i miss ashley soo much shes never online anymoreeee come back ash! i need my big sis!
*ali might have fractured her arm... oi... if so then there goes our only 3rd base person for softball season this year.. nd we gotta win this season... we gotta... our last together...
*brenna is goinn thru some toughh shit lately.. long-ass emails just bout how we feel... btw kumquat where is my latest email!?!
*i need to remember to give emily the 2 cds shes gunna make copies of, but am i going to? of course not i dont remember anything
*josh is hot
*sophia did u nd steph forgive lorraine? jenn said ya did but i havent talked to u in awhile w/the vacation nd everything
*kaitlyn's allergic to hotdogs lmaooooooo
*i hate lorraine shes a bitch
*i have completely given up on trying to "look for fishys" as mark said... he helped me realize i dont need any fish! thanks squishy
*i have no clue who jenn's going out with cuz she cant even keep it straight herself nd i think its joe but it could be billy n i think john asked her out again even though he knew she was taken... somethin like that i dunno dont ask me
*hahaha i have the boxcar racer cd nd matt doesnt =P hahahahahaha
*someones in love w/conor!!!!!! ooh u wanna know who it is? oops sorry i forgot... you'll have to ask my mind... im not sure where it is right now...
*steph!!! la la la la la la buchaaaaa lmao
*john next time i see u say fudge!!! pleaseeee? lol
*me nd julia love o's
*me and claire havent had any luck w/our gorgeous wanted posters
*im not a bad bowler
*cassie's comin' to stsaviour w/me!!! yay!
*molly nd coco went to mexico nd i got stuck w/the dog lol... i wanna go to mexico damnit!!! i mean, these kids r like 4-5 years younger than me nd already they needed a second passport... I HAVENT EVEN LEFT THE COUNTRY BEFORE!
*eric hates me and i hate him =]
*matt aka jackass thinks i can IM him on his cell but i cant! cuz hes a jackass! ha! ((a lil hyper you will have to excuse me
*i think anthony's shrink helped me w/my depression cuz ant repeated what his shrink said nd it helped me not to commit suicide so yea...
*i have a twin... meg warped tour o4 babe gunna be sooo sickk
*i told thomas about my monkeys nd penguins nd tigers nd ducks... n he probably thinks im completely insane for having so many animals on my clothes but hey, i mean, im completely insane anyway so let him think it! =]
*ali nd matt got together nd broke up again...
*i think ali likes steve... go ahead ali smack me across the face i can smack harder nd u know it... =]
*i bought two of the cutest bathing suits i have ever seen yesterday... but i still like the one ali had last year w/the blue stripes ali can i have it???? pleaseee??? i dun care if it dont fit, less is more, right? anyway...
*i really really really really reallyyyyy hope that i get to see mr. new jersey soon... ooh i could wear my new bathing suit =] it looks really good on me cuz it makes my eyes look even more blue than the really really blue that they are.


hmm... what else? ooh yeah

*my team won 2 games in a row! yay! lol kelsey
*i want a new cell phone i hate mine soo much... people say its cool but i hate it...
*O is back in town lol brian... the drunken monkey club members r all in brooklyn again! lololol that was such a stupidly retarted night...
*i feel like posting lyrics...
sometimes, i wish i was brave
i wish i was stronger,
i wish i could feel no pain
cuz i feel so mad
i feel so angry
feel so callused
so lost, confused again
feel so cheap
so used, unfaithful
lets start over
*those lyrics describe me too much...
*my mom went into hot topic yesterday and got scared... figures...
*i feel short.


i have to go change for my game! bye!!!! hope i wasted your time with all this crap!

what ive been doing for the past four days...


a place deep inside me
empty and hollow
being eaten away by dark secrets
my heart sinks lower and lower
with no one there to pick it up
i need someone to lift my heart
and never drop it,
for the slightest crack
could mean eternal darkness







sadness washing over me
a lack of self control
a single tear runs down my face
and i dont know why...

my head begins to spin,
becoming blinded by my tears,
the glue holding my sanity,
slowly disappears...

im being deceived
my whole world full of lies
truth is a stranger,
friendships seem to die.

and now im stuck here in this world
with no purpose at all
the only thing left for me to wait for
is when i finally fall...








shadows hold me down
try to hold me back
im losing grip
afraid of falling too far
the pain gets too intense
and everything turns to a blur

cant see what pushes me over the edge,
what makes me stumble into nothingness
cries for help seem to get stuck in my throat
until all my senses seem to evaporate
im losing my grip on the edge...
ready to fall
waiting for someone to pull me back up...

i realize no ones there
i fall









its a feeling that cant be explained...
you're empty and hopeless
lost in this mess of a world
and there nothing left to do but watch

and as the wind slowly brushes past your face
you realize that you cant always see what you feel...
its like lacking something
that you will never find

but no one seems to understand how you feel
and things dont look good...
the sun's gone down, gone to sleep
and so must i









all these days wasted in my altered state of mind
with nothing to do but lay here
in this desolate world.
frustrated by all this tension
lack of passion surrounds me
im sinking slowly










The blood runs through my veins
like cold air through hollow branches
emptiness is all that's there

A presence you can feel
thats invisible to all but one...
the one who caused the emptiness

it watches the tranquil light pass through me
only for it to turn dark and miserable at my touch

becoming immobilized by my fears
a voice telling me not to turn away...
but i have no choice






its like a walk along the beach
leaving footprints in the sand
like leaving an effect on the earth
but the water always washes the footprints away
and the effect you made is forgotten
and what you've done, no longer exists