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2003 12 November :: 11.10pm
i'm sorry, but if you had any idea...i won't deny it would be that way for anyone else...but can you think of what has happened as a result of this fallen world....the world inside my head...
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2003 12 November :: 10.18pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: semisonic - closing time
to many pills.
i'm anxious for jim to get here.. hopefully he comes over. he's been promising me he'd come over for the past almost a week now. :(
 
aww.. it's mr floppers.
so my mom got my perscription, and i started taking them tonight. i guess after i'm done with these pills, they're going to give me a yeast infection- and then i'll have to get medicine for that. [is it never ending?! when will i be off drugs?! haha]
since i missed those two days, i really didn't miss that much, i caught up in advance word processing, and the only class that i'm really kinda behind in is algebra. so oh well. i'll just get caught up with that, then i'm good. i forgot to get my report card. damn.
it's so cold outside anymore. i don't like it. i want it to be spring. and stay spring. forever.
xx.jena
"i can hear you in a whisper but you can't even hear me screaming"
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2003 12 November :: 10.23pm
:: Mood: infuriated
mergz faces mom
humantiy is slipping away, this is sick, just fucking sick. i don't feel like posting it, so i'll call.
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Aaron
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2003 12 November :: 2.07am
i'm free, soup dragons. i have to remember that.
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Aaron
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2003 12 November :: 1.40am
:: Music: blood and roses, smithereens
hell knows what.
yeah. i need to get some sleep tonight. g'night people. but first, i feel and urge to say something, but i have almost nothing to say. last night we watched the first final fantasy movie and the entire first season of family guy (it is a bad day to be a sperm!). we played eternal darkness, sonic battle, torok (that game is sooo bad-ass!!!), and metroid-prime, along with tony hawk underground and finally, smash bros meley. HAHAHA!!! today by smashing pumpkins just came on accu radio! i love this song. i need to here how he playes the bridge...wow, he playes it slower, no wonder i couldn't fit all those chords. the guy that wrote these tabs is a moron!!! "pink ribbon scars, that never forget, i tried so hard to cleanze these regrets, my angel wings, were bruised and restrained, my belly stings." *goes and kills tab-wrighter with a fifty cal' pistol* yes, i want me a desert eagle with a kick big enough to bust my arm. ah man, it's over, tie for beddy buy. song currently playing: blue monday buy new order. i'll finish this song and go to bed. 10:43 P.M.
later,
Paul
1 you constantly make it impossible to |
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Aaron
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2003 12 November :: 1.37am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: the globe, big audio dynamite II
quin's proposition
quin said i didn't even have to ask...
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2003 12 November :: 1.31am
:: Mood: happyishable, oh look, happyishable takes up exact
:: Music: devils haircut, beck
don't be like me...don't forget how to cry. be stronger than that.
mechelle said i couldn't cry because of extreme depression, and that that's probably why i space out so much. she thinks my introspectivity and depression were connected in a way. she decided that i wasn't bi-polar though *cries*...i wish i were insane...oh well. jesus. i wonder if tori would kill me if i did... would you?
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2003 11 November :: 8.35pm
megan called...the past really won't leave me be, will it? hehehe...all night replaying that spand of about fifteen seconds in my head and giggling like a fucktard to myself as i felt butterflies in my stomach...quin was so pissed though, and pat was just like"dude, what the hell is wrong with you?"
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Aaron
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2003 11 November :: 8.32pm
:: Mood: insane/gitty/happy/stupid/about to go to church an
YES!!! hehehe...-smiles-...that's what she said..."yes"
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2003 11 November :: 3.00pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: moulin rouge
the infatuation will end.
..sorry about the title, watching moulin rouge again.
i'm just sitting here, on my day off of school [it's veterans' day.] not really doing anything. jim was supposed to come over last night, and he promised. yet once again- he somehow "couldn't find a ride" god, he makes me so mad! i didn't go to school yesterday, and i don't have school today. it would have been a perfect time for us to be together.. but no.
yesterday i went to the doctors. i had to give them a urine sample.. and they gave me these pills that makes my pee orangeish/red! omygosh, it's really scary, because every time i look down after i go to the bathroom- i think i'm bleeding.. whoa, it's just kinda freaky. but oh well. as long as they help! i have a really bad bladder infection. it sucks so bad. my mom has to run out sometime today and get my other pills- i think they're just antibiodics.
i missed 2 days of school [friday and monday] so i'm gonna be more behind in all my classes.. and i'll be getting my report card tomorrow. damn.
i can't wait until friday, amy and i are going to club laga [a little club in pittsburgh.] ohhhh yeah.
oh i forgot to tell everyone that i'm not moving. which is a good and a bad thing. but oh well, can't do anything about it now.
man, i really don't want to go to school tomorrow.
xx.jena
"nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets."
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2003 9 November :: 6.52pm
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: meet joe black [the movie] on tv
was an o.k. day..
i love this movie.. meet joe black god, it is so sad.. i'm sitting here crying because of the ending.. :(
today was an ok day.. i guess. i woke up around 11, and just got online and did nothing until around 2 and then i started to paint my mirror. my mirror my mom got somewhere, she was just going to throw it away, and i told her i wanted it.. and i'd paint it and everything. so i started that today. it's black and silver. but i'm not totally done with it, i still have to paint some silver stuff on it. i waited and waited until around 4:30, because jim was supposed to come over after work and stay the night because he didn't work tomorrow. i waited and waited and waited and he finially called at 6:30, and told me that he couldn't come over and that he just got home.
i was worried, now i'm just kinda upset.
i have school tomorrow. and i don't want to go. now that jim's not going.. i don't even have a reason to go anymore. it's like that quote that says:
there's always one boy
who makes you get up
and go to school everyday
..and jim was that boy. :(
..and now he's not in school anymore.
..so what now?
ahhhh.
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2003 9 November :: 5.04pm
:: Music: today, smashing pumpkins
"pidgeons go 'kpff'!!!"
"pink ribbon scares, that never forget. i tried to wash away, all these regrets. my angel wings were brused and restrained, my belly stings..." never IM me, don't ever call, i'm going to a different church...i would have thought that two years of silence would have taught you not to talk to me....i'm sorry, i don't want ot hurt you, but this is a new age for me, i moved on...i love tori now, can't you see that? that place you tired to fill is her's. and yeah, keep your ideas about her looks and abilities to understand to yourself...to be honest, i think she's beautiful, and she is the only one that does understand..."the only thing more precious than life is the person you choose to live it with"...he was right, and i chose tori, not you...
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2003 9 November :: 3.39pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: the radio
a picture of jim and i
it's a picture of jim and i. =)
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2003 8 November :: 5.22pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: trapt - still framed
in a pretty good mood
hello. it was actually a darn good day today.
i woke up around 9:30, and called jim. no one answered, so i called back around 10:30 or so, and he finially answered. we talked for a while, then around 11:30 [after i got a shower and everything] i walked down his house. when i got there we popped in a movie, [tom and huck.. a disney movie. mwahaha.] and we watched half of that, went upstairs ordered some food, came back downstairs waited for the food and then watched the rest of the movie. after that we just waited until my mom got there and then he left and went to work, and i left and went home.
i missed him. we're doing good actually. i don't have any more doubts about us. =) none what-so-ever. =)
i'm pretty happy.
<3 jena.
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2003 7 November :: 7.43pm
hmm....i'm asking her as soon as we finish this part of our conversation....i can't...i can't ask her....this is so much more important...
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2003 6 November :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: nerdy
:: Music: whatever's on the radio.
haven't updated.
sorry i haven't been updating lately.. i guess i needed a break from on here..
but i'll write more. promise.
sorry to friends that i haven't been noting. <3 you guys.
well, note me if you still remember me.. :(
oh, everyone should join nerdnation.net. it's awesome.
<3, jena.
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2003 6 November :: 10.28am
NOOOO!!!! I JUST WROTE A HUGE ENTRY AND THE COMPUTER DELETED IT!!! stupid thing *kicks it*. yeah, XP has alot of glitches...well, i need to take a shower....fair well chidlets....
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2003 6 November :: 1.44am
:: Mood: tired/ happy
:: Music: unplugged NIrivana album in the background.
i'm so hopelessly in , love...
i'm happy, but worried...i worry that she hates me for some reason.....what am i thinking? she loves me...maybe i'll go find a flower, yeah, a flower, in the middle of fucking winter, right...yeah, whatever...love you tori, g'night. i love all of you....OH!!! TORI!!! YOUR MOM IS THE ONE I FOUND! SHE'S A MOM THAT DOESN'T THINK I'M CUTE!!!i don't think...lol. g'night.
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2003 6 November :: 1.09am
:: Music: the man who sold the world, Nirvana, here without you, three doors down.
life is so great....such a blessing...
no. no you weren't. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!! I BLEW UP RIGHT THERE AND NOW SHE'S PISSED AT ME!!!fuck.....what am i to do? god damnit! god motherfucking damnit!! maybe i am just another sequel.........i'm reminded of a quote"i sold my fate to the devil so i could be with her for eternity only to realize just how angelic she really is"-irina's second boyfriend, mark. i don't love her, i'm long since over that. it was the sixth grade for god's sakes, but it still, for some reason hurts...well, g'night loves. tomorrow i feel will go better...sleep well my love, and sweet dreams, and i'm sorry, oh so sorry....i'll try never to do it again....never again, the words that almost killed a very dear friend of mine.........though they were ment with a different meaning, they still make me cringe. hmm.....i want to be all snuggled up with tori right now, why? because i was so weak i couldn't hold myself for just a few more minutes, and then i would have been offline and blown up in a safe enviorment..."what fi you really do do something bad?"...or how about this? "-talks to self- what am i supposed to do? nothing-"i can't finish typing it...>i think she ment it<...i thought she stabbed you? she did. you don't exist. ha! she killed you at mandy's house!!! and she killed you on holloween and just today, she stabbed you withthe spoon of temptation (does that mean it was sexy?) well, good times, good times, well, if she does go prep, i'll just stay away for a while, until she comes back from realizing that's not her...it's what she wants, i can sence it, and maybe she does belong there, in which case, i think i can stand to be out of place for a while...for eternity...but her arms are right....but tori's arms are not the arms of some stupid popular preppy chic that pisses me off more than most things...i've been in them before... what you can't see is the name i typed inside these thingys "<" ">"...so yeah, happy loving times...oh yeah, today they played that song, here without you by three doors down, and i went back to friday and relived it,a nd when the song was done i lost my connection with the past, and i fell flat on my face...it was funny as hell...it seems strange the radio plays the perfect song for the perfect time at morgans house on fridays...white flag that friday at morgans house, and here without you at morgans house again on that friday...so yeah. *studders like porky pig* that's all folks!!!
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2003 6 November :: 12.22am
:: Mood: refreshed
:: Music: today, smashing pumpkins
life is better
sorry about that, i'm all better now, it happens randomly..............i think machelle will fix it for me. (she's my councilor) i think i can trust her....i hope. don't worry, i won't say anything about anything i know you don't want her to hear. so yeah.....*skitters off to talk on AIM*....today is the greates day i've ever known, can't live for tomorrow, tomorrows much to long *sings rest of song*...
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2003 4 November :: 3.23pm
:: Mood: infuriated/violent
THAT LITTLE BASTARD, IF I HAD A GUN, I WOULD A' SHOT HIS BALLS OFF!!! no, but i'm serious, he acted like we were making out or something...really....putting an arm around her is very innocent and he's all fucking crazy about it....well he wasn't, but he doesn't have a legitimate reason...i mean, they have two things they say...well....three.....but the first is that it gets in the way of learning (we were in the bus line), the second is it makes people "undcomfortable", the third is that when girls feel violated or uncomfortable in a position with a boy of high status they tend not to say anything and i told tori if i moved too fast just to say something. and besides, she's pretty good about that kind of stuff, i mean, she speaks up when something i do pisses her off. so yeah, holding hands and putting ones arm around her is really quite innocent, and in a society where alot of the time a first date for someone is a first time "in bed" as well, no one is getting uncomfortable with that. and besides...IT'S OUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP!!! IF IT FUCKING PISSES YOU OFF THAT I'M HUGGING HER, YOU CAN LOOK AWAY!!! IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS, EVEN IF YOU FALL WITNESS TO IT, IT'S STILL OUR RELATIONSHIP!!! so, anyone else wanna tear me away from tori...go ahead, make my day.
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2003 3 November :: 9.37pm
You're the DEATH
please copy the following code, and add it to your weblog or otherwhere...
this is my way to live
What about yours?
made by rav-chan
You don't wanna kill yourself?
take the quiz again
and the other results?
here you are:
the FUN
the BLIND
the POEM
the ENCYCLOPEDIA
the SUGAR
but you won't cheat, eh? ^-~
"Which Life Stage Are You?" - Results:
Depression
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:
Depression
Which Life Stage Are You?
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same thing as tori...
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2003 3 November :: 2.15am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Tears in heaven (my dad taught me that today)
humanity slipping away...
i would have kissed her... " i waited all day to talk to you, i'm not going to bed now"...-smiles- she is so awesome...i love her so much........god, i never thought i would be capable of this. g'night all of you. Keep your lights on.
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2003 3 November :: 1.38am
Name: Paul D. Mahugh II
You will conquer: the United States of America (and make if illegal for Jay Leno and Conan Obrien to make fun of you).
Your title will be: Overlord
You will succeed by: Cloning an army of mad cows.
Your Enforcers will be: Street Judges (from Judge Dread).
Your first act as ruler: Contract Vampirism (undead live forever).
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2003 2 November :: 2.08pm
we are no longer individuals. there is some mental or spiritual connection that is there. some unseen bond. she's like my daemon. she's me, i'm her. no longer is anything i do for me and only me. it's for her too. it affects her in some way or form. it all makes so much sence some how.
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2003 2 November :: 1.53pm
:: Mood: tired
CALL!!!
tori, i'll give you till noon. if you wake up before then, call me.
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2003 2 November :: 11.49am
I'm such a moron.i walked into the bethroom this morninng and when i saw the snow out the window i yelled,"hey tori, look, it's snowing!" i wonder if anybody heard me...how am i going to phrase this without my parents freaking out? no idea...i want to take tori ou and abouttoday, but my mom is a little freaky about that after my sister....
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2003 2 November :: 2.27am
it is for us. anything we do should be for the benefit of US. i live for you, and you live the same way for me, so doesn't that create equilibrium?(i love that word).
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Aaron
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2003 2 November :: 1.42am
I hate this place...I said that at the sixth grade gaduation...
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2003 1 November :: 11.41pm
:: Mood: romantic, or i would be, if i were capable of it..
:: Music: Tears in heaven
Tears in heaven
she still hasn't called...oh i know she's doing somehting important, but even when riding and watching the sunset i couldn't keep my thoughts off of her. i think one day i'll take her out there... yeah, not to ride or anything, but to watch the sunset or something. to talk. i just need ot be alone with her for a small period of time. there's so much i want to say. but i can't say it on the internet. to open. i can't say it to the phone. i don't know why, it just doesn't feel right... i wish she were here... i wanted her to see that sunset, from that valley, deep inside the country. i want to be able to paint it absolute perfection. i want to be able to summon the world to a small box and hand it to her..."my world on a chain for you, my love"...
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