godessalthena
|
::
2008 27 January :: 5.07pm
i hate how i can be so happy one second and the next i'm hella pissed or hurt.
i wish i could just be happy.
or at least not angry.
i feel lonely.
even when he's there...
i feel like i'm alone.
when i'm with anyone...
i feel so apart.
and i hate it.
is there something in me that makes me different?
i just want to feel whole again.
i just want to feel happy.
it's only five and i want to go to bed.
i want to read a really good book.
but i finished my last book and i have no more...
sigh.
this bites.
4 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
aerii
|
::
2008 26 January :: 2.03pm
it's not worth it.
i'm not worth it.
so fuck it.
nothing is ever going to go right for me.
no one is ever going to be there for me.
this is pathetic
and i'm pathetic
and i hope she's fucking happy.
i hope you're all so fucking happy.
when the hell is it going to be my turn?
i'm sick of feeling like shit and hating myself. sick of freaking out over nothing and crying like a baby. i'm sick of people thinking that it's okay to be an asshole and make someone feel like nothing. sick of not having any answers. sick of not being able to accept things and of not being able to say what i think or how i feel.
none of this came out right.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2008 22 January :: 6.25pm
first pay day today! hella!
yay!
but i added up my debt...
and it makes me depressed..... :(
seriously, never get into debt.
it's no good.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
aerii
|
::
2008 15 January :: 5.34am
its always nice when your friends ditch you, ignore you, then replace you.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2008 14 January :: 5.56pm
sorry i've been freaking out so much.
to be honest i have no idea why i'm such a wreck.
maybe it's because i'm lonely.
or because i'll never be happy with what i've got.
or because this town is a shit hole.
whatever the reason, i just have been really on edge lately.
and this weekend was an emotional breakdown...
which i hate. and i don't want to have them.
but it's horrible when you're all alone all the time...
it gets hard to deal with shit.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2008 12 January :: 8.05pm
WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?
I'M SO FUCKING BORING.
I'M SO FUCKING DULL.
I'M SO FUCKING STUPID.
WHY WOULD ANYONE FUCKING WANT TO SPEND ANY FUCKING TIME WITH ME?
I'M SO WORTHLESS.I ALWAYS WONDERED WHY I DIDN'T HACE ANY FRIENDS.
BUT NOW I KNOW.
and it isn't fucking nothing. it hurts that you never want to spend any time with me. if you stayed home with my you would be bored out of your fucking mind and then i'd go to bed and waste your time. i have to lie about it so you can have a good time.
and it fucking sucks.
i'm suck a fucking drag.
i'm such a fucking loser.
i'm such a bitch...
i honestly see it now. i'm just so stupid to think that there is nothing wrong with me.
but don't worry about me. it's always been like this. ever since i can remember and i was a fool to think that it would ever be anything different.
i wish i could just die.
because then i'd probably be a hella lot more exciting.
or at least people would want to spend time with me once i was dead.
fuck.
4 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2008 3 January :: 2.34pm
i apologize for freaking out yesterday.
it's because i didn't think i got the job.
but i did!!!
hellz yes.
6 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2008 2 January :: 4.38pm
i hate this i hate this i hate this.
i haven't felt this stupid in a long time...
fuck
[e d i t ]
the more i think about it, the less and less i want to go back to school. i really don't even want to do anything right now. how stupid will i look? i had/have a free ride to UW... and i gave that up. digipen is expensive and i don't really even feel that strongly about it. what college/university would/should i go to?
i don't even want to go. it's so expensive and i feel like it's pointless. i feel like i won't ever succeed. why should i? i'm not worth it. no one thinks i'm worth it. so why try?
i feel like such a failure. i haven't even tried yet and i've failed. i feel like the people who should be supporting me and helping me are just wagging their fingers at me and laughing. i feel so fucking alone in my life right now.
i hate it when the world catches up to me. and i realize that it's really a huge pile of shit run by money. no one cares, no one feels. it's just all dollars and cents and drugs and alcohol.
i wish i could choose to not be a part of it. but that isn't how things work anywhere in the world. i feel like i'm dead now. the world killed me. i don't care about anything, i don't feel like i'm ever going to go anywhere or do the things i want to do. whatever i do, people will be disappointed in me. or think i'm disappointed in myself.
the worst part is everyone's lives are the same. everyone is the same.
god damned personal struggles.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2008 1 January :: 4.41pm
Tomorrow is my interview... I'm nervous, but excited too. I really need to get this job... I'm usually very confident when it comes to getting work, but for some reason I'm very worried that they won't like me and won't want me to join them... It's probably just anxiety over not having a job or a back up plan....
I really need to start planning my life better. What sucks the most is I have no idea what I want out of my life... It's like... I've never given any thought to t, and now that it's here I don't know what I want... I mean, I know what I want, but I can't really have that. I need more before I can have the perfect life...
But with this job... It would help me so much. I would be able to pay off my debt, it would allow me money and time to spend with loved ones... that is... If my loved ones want to spend time with me...
:(
life sucks. And growing up sucks too.
3 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 31 December :: 8.35am
is it wrong to feel unwanted where you are welcomed?
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 27 December :: 8.24pm
"i'll love you when you're dead...
until i die."
i don't think i've been this scared for a long time. i don't want to die. i don't ever want to die. i don't ever want him to die. i don't want either of them to ever die. what would i do? what would be left for me? i don't want the world to end... i don't want to face that great unknown alone... i can't help but feel i will be alone... and that is so terrifying...
i feel so stupid.
and i wish i could talk to someone about this. but i can't because there is no one.
and crying any longer is out of the question...
i hate this.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 27 December :: 7.38pm
i can't wait to get home...
to see bazooka...
to sleep with kirk...
to actually sleep...
i can't wait to be able to breathe..
to not sneeze...
........
i really want to cry.
i need a friend here.
i need a friend who i can count on.
who will be here for me...
blah.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 25 December :: 7.50am
i loved you, too.
and i'll always miss that.
you have such a power over me.
which is why i forgive you every time.
i don't know what it is, but it's sad that things always turn out this way.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 24 December :: 7.47am
I'm so sleepy.
Spokane is the only place where I have the urge to wake up at 7:30 am.
It's Christmas eve! Which is very exciting because...
I'm not really sure...
I haven't really gotten to see Kirk at all. Which sucks. I don't want to go over to his house because I don't want to see his family at all. It's so awkward between us in my head and I don't want them to think I want to mend our 'relationship' because I'm not interested at all in that. I just want to be with Kirk. I could give a crap about his mom and dad. They have to respect me first before I can remotely consider respecting them. They take respect for granted. Just because they are older doesn't mean they deserve my respect... Or anyone else's....
hm...
<3
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 19 December :: 11.42am
i hate how difficult the easy decisions are.
like going back to school...
because i know that's where i belong. there's where i'm happy. but there is so much fear in going back, here's so much... anxiety.
what if it happens again? what will i do?
what if he leaves? what if i suck?
there's just so much that i can't... i can't figure out right now.
but it should be easy.
and my mind should be made up.
... and i'm so nervous about today. i have an interview. and gawd i hate interviews... i just hope i don't get lost and i don't freak out and i just... i don't want to do poorly.
sigh...
when will this stress end?
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 12 December :: 9.04pm
I really want to stay in Spokane long enough to see Brooke. I don't know if I can though. It's like... I know I have to work, but I also haven't seen her for like... two years. which is much to long to not see your best friend. but seeing her would mean not seeing kirk for at least a week, which would feel like forever...
it's a hard desicion.. and at least i don't have to make it quite yet.. :(
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 10 December :: 7.02pm
i bought some girly shoes finally!
now to buy clothes to go with them... haha!
i hate working, but i need the money this month.
fucking money...
i'm super excited to go home!
I'm going to bake cookies with my mommy
and we're going to decorate the house
and i want to go ice skating
and i'm going to go to all the places i love there
and i'm going to get a tattoo with my friend
and it's going to be so great!
yay!
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 25 November :: 1.19pm
i never want to go back.
after every break it gets harder and harder to go back..
i hate that place. and i can't tell anyone.
because no one cares.
because they are all fuckers.
grr.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 20 November :: 11.20am
just when i thought humanity had a chance...
i meet people like them.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
aerii
|
::
2007 15 November :: 8.03pm
So some girl in Liberty Lake is drawing a picture of Nicole, but it's kind of weird because they've never met, and she never asked Nicole if it was okay. It's really freaking good though, and I want to buy it.
So imma find out how much she's selling in for in January, but it's even weirder because she's selling it at the Empyrean.
:D
Read more..
I'm stoked. I get to see Nicole on Wednesday. :D:D
It has been far too long since I've seen that girl. It's going to be amazing.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 15 November :: 10.51am
maybe i'm bi polar?
i've been talking to brooke again.
and it's amazing.
and i makes my day better just to know she still loves me.
and the little things that annoy me around here
don't bother me as much.
work is still shitty.
i hate chris. he's a douche.
and i really don't like anyone there anymore.
they are all just people.
they arent' extraordinary.
they are just plain old people.
which is fine, i don't hate them.
but none of them are really... what i need.
i just.. i feel so apart from them.
or at odds with them.
and i need a new job.
i need something.
to bend,
to break,
to mend...
to change.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
aerii
|
::
2007 8 November :: 4.06pm
thanks for ruining my day.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
aerii
|
::
2007 7 November :: 7.22pm
I'm pretty sure Natalie Portman's Shaved Head started the whole sideways pony tail thing, and not Katelyn Eyford.
It must be hard for her though, with people wearing the same hair style and all. God forbid.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
aerii
|
::
2007 6 November :: 8.13pm
i just want it back.
i just want to be able to sit and talk and laugh.
and not have to hide all the time.
i want to feel safe.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
aerii
|
::
2007 6 November :: 7.18pm
what career are you going to pursue?
a logger. what else am i going to do with a saw for a foot?
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
aerii
|
::
2007 6 November :: 5.43am
"The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody'd move. You could go there a hundred thousand times, and that Eskimo would still be just finished catching those two fish, the birds would still be on their way south, the deers would still be drinking out of that water hole, with their pretty antlers and their pretty, skinny legs, and that squaw with the naked bosom would still be weaving that same basket. Nobody'd be different. The only thing that would be different would be you. Not that you'd be so much older or anything. It wouldn't be that exactly. You'd just be different, that's all. You'd have and overcoat on this time. Or the kid that was your partner in line last time had got scarlet fever and you'd have a new partner. Or you'd have a substitute taking the class, instead of Miss Aigletiner. Or you'd heard your mother and father having a terrific fight in the bathroom. Or you'd just passed by one of those puddles in the street with gasoline rainbows in them. I mean you'd be different in some way--I can't explain what I mean. and even if i could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it."
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
aerii
|
::
2007 4 November :: 3.25pm
This would not have happened if I hadn't missed my plane
I would've been there when they told you I'm the rat within the grain
Within this big misunderstanding now, I'm being misunderstood
I'm thinkin' someone's trying to fuck with me and set fire to my wood
I wouldn't want you to want to be wanted by me
I wouldn't want you to worry you'd be drowned within my sea
I only wanted to be wonderful, and wonderful is true
In truth, I only really wanted to be wanted by you
It's a stupid situation now where everything goes wrong
If you can't tell if I am lying, then you do not belong
In my bed, go rest your head upon the bones of a bigger man
And he can cover you with rockwool and you can close up like a clam
'Cause I wouldn't want you to want to be wanted by me
I wouldn't want you to worry you'd be drowned within my sea
I only wanted to be wonderful, and wonderful is true
In truth, I only really wanted to be wanted by you
So go play with your piano and write a mediocre song
About this shell of mediocrity
And pretend there's nothing wrong
I never thought you were a chicken shit
I never thought of you at all
Until you asked me to be part of it
And now you're showing me a wall
I wouldn't want you to want to be wanted by me
I wouldn't want you to worry you'd be drowned within my sea
I only wanted to be wonderful and wonderful is true
In truth, I only really wanted to be wanted by you
La la la...
In truth, I only really wanted to be wanted by you
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2007 2 November :: 10.08pm
i feel so alone and isolated.
more than i've ever felt before.
i'm not a part of anything.
and there's nothing i want to be a part of.
i hate where i am right now.
but at this point i really don't have anywhere else to go.
i don't want to feel like this anymore.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|
aerii
|
::
2007 30 October :: 5.58am
this week is going to be so shitty.
1. write personal essay by friday
2. write proposal essay for senior culminating project by friday
3. figure out what to do for senior culminating project
4. finish biome project for neff
5. halloween
6. birthday
7. talk to councilor about senior culminating project & college shit.
8. buy some knives
9. edit my senior pictures and turn them in (SOOOO LATE)
10. figure out senior quote and turn it in
slkdjflsdkjflskdfj
oh well, life goes on.
:D
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
|
|