everyone we know is growing old

I hate you. i hate you so much. I hate that I loved you so much. I did everything for you.

I compromised my morals. I completely lost myself in you. all I could see was through your eyes, and every fiber of my being wanted to make you happy. I wanted to untwist your dark and damaged heart, because I could still see the hurt little boy underneath.

you encouraged me to face my demons. you pressured me into getting help I desperately needed. you were my best friend. I shared every inch of my labyrinth heart to you. I showed you more of me than anyone has ever seen.

but none of that could ever make you content. none of that ever meant a damn thing to you. you took my love and you used it against me. you poisoned me. three years later, and I'm still trying to clear the radioactive waste you left decaying in my chest. I am tainted, and every time I get close to someone, I am once again reminded of how you ruined me.

I wish there wasn't some demented part of me that still loves you. I should never have let you in. you've really taken 7 years of my life from me. and I know you'll continue to haunt me. there isn't a single day that passes where I don't think of you. you're still very much a part of me.

you torment me.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2016 25 January :: 6.58pm

sometimes, you just need to be confided in by a new friend to make you feel like maybe all this pain and misery is worth it.

"I love you, friend" is just one of the best things to hear from such a sweet and thoughtful woman. I'm really glad I met Tracie, she always brightens my day at work. it sucks we can only talk at the end of the day.. she started just waiting for me, 15 whole minutes! just to talk with me.

I have some truly amazing ladies in my life. Alexz is always there, so fiercely loyal and wonderfully blunt. hearing shit talked straight is such a rare thing these days I feel like. and Zoe is just always my inner voice to keep fighting. she and I are almost the same person in so many ways, and yet in some ways we are so radically different. we balance each other well. these two women have saved my life on too many occasions to count.

in this horrible flood called life, I'm just thankful to have such steadfast boulders to be bound to.

Abe is always there for me, with this seemingly unconditional love. he is a much needed outlet and an excellent window.

and weed. it may be a crutch, but what do crutches do? they help people walk. I was crawling in the muddy dark, when weed grabbed my hand and helped me to stand.

but god damn, am I still filthy.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2016 25 January :: 7.40am
:: Mood: aggravated

so much to say.

no ability to get the words out.

i am pissed, hurt, confused, and relieved.

maybe i should do something stupid too.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2016 23 January :: 7.53am
:: Mood: accomplished

when I look in the mirror, I love who I see. I even danced for myself in the mirror this morning.

I am a hot babe.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2016 22 January :: 8.06pm

hell has no fury as a woman scorned

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2016 18 January :: 8.42am

I wish people cloud hear what they sound like sometimes.

would you tell a burn victim you can't be friends because you find having healthy skin too important?

there are nicer ways to say no.

people are asshats.

fuck Monday's

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2016 13 January :: 2.10pm

Do you believe in always,the wind
said to the rain
I am too busy with
my flowers to believe,the rain answered

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2016 9 January :: 6.20am

is there a difference between liking something because you're good at it and being good at something because you really enjoy it?

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2016 5 January :: 7.37pm

why I am quiet:

I speak my mind, and everyone systematically tears my idea down.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2016 5 January :: 1.54pm

still feeling like shit, but made it into work. trying not to escape into work requests and music, because everything else just feels like too much.

things don't go how you want them to. and people keep hounding for things they'll never get. and my patience is wearing thin.

I hate being a woman. I hate society. I hate how we raise our children and I hate how we all feel worthless and powerless and insignificant.

I've lost 20 pounds since I've moved home. I can see it all pretty much left my belly. I don't know if I want to be skinny, but being at 200 pounds would be pretty cool. I guess. I don't fucking know.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2016 4 January :: 6.08am

after sweating profusely all night and waking up to more sick, I called out of work today. first day of the new year and I can't make it in.. hopefully the rest of the year won't be this way.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2016 3 January :: 9.36am

fuck I'm really fuckin sick. I wish I had drank heavily to deserve this, but I didn't.

fuck

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 31 December :: 6.51am

it's like trying to sleep on Christmas Eve when you still think Santa is real

maybe it's finally my turn

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 30 December :: 7.30pm

today was really quite good. best day I've had in a stretch.

and I am shitting my pants.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 29 December :: 6.58pm

I probably don't say this enough, but my dogs are just the best. I see bjornes paw prints in the snow and I can just imagine him prancing through the snow with my dad, walking up to the garage with his little grin. his adorable butt wiggle for a tail wag. when he smooshes himself into the corner by the hate waiting for me to come home.

I love when I get home and come up the basement steps, and he is up there with his excited face and tail fluttering furiously, and then his twirling happy dance around me as I take off my coat. he really is the sweetest baby boy.

and rika.. well shit she's just adorable. she always snuggles extra close to my hip at bed time. the way her tail wags extra wide when I get home. and all those little sweet kisses. she always is trying to hump bjornes face, and sometimes she does it with a toy in her mouth over his side, and growls up a storm. it's like she's trying to jump over him.

and her little Charlie Chaplin legs. and making her dance. she loves me best, and that just melts my heart and fills it with more joy than words can express.

<3

side note:
I miss the sun. it's been overcast and snowing for a few weeks now, I've almost forgotten the color of the sky, or the warmth of the sun. I'm not sure how I survived in Seattle. I need the sun!

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 23 December :: 4.38pm

~~fuck~~smoke the pain away

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 19 December :: 6.49pm

going out with Zoe to boomers for the first time in forever. I'm excited but also anxious. I feel something ominous in the air. I hope I'm just being a weirdo.

I need to be more honest with myself. analyze less, think more.. if that makes sense.

I wonder if I'll ever feel free again.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 17 December :: 8.50pm

what's it feel like to be a ghost?

louder, now, louder now?

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 16 December :: 7.58pm

if I could have my way.. oh what things may come.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 6 December :: 12.29am

a very dear friend's best friend committed herself to the great below today..

she's taking it in stride (I think?) but my heart hurts for what she must be feeling inside. that girls life is seriously a shit storm and yet still manages to stay positive and avoid cynicism. I admire her greatly. I wish she didn't live so far away.

it's so mysterious.. the land of tears.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 5 December :: 7.31am

I forgot how beautiful the sunrise is..

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 3 December :: 9.48pm

I spend my free time reading the craigslist missed connections. I do it with my demon. he sits next to me and tells me, "you'll be alone forever, no one will ever want such a damaged and cynical fat bitch like you." and as the romantic comedy plays in the background I can hear him laugh at the absurdity.

"love doesn't exist. not for people like you." it's hard to ignore him. it's hard to stay positive and optimistic, when all around me relationships crash and burn. you never really know who you can trust. humans lie, cheat, steal and back stab. we kill each other and hate each other arbitrarily, we hate whole groups of people for imaginary bullshit reasons.

there have been more mass shootings so far this year than days in this country. my aunts both have cancer. I have no future.

i miss sex. I miss enjoying food. I miss sleep.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 3 December :: 9.27pm

If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find.
- John Churton Collins

That though the radiance which was once so bright be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower. We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind.

- William Wordsworth

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.

- Robert Louis Stevenson

in what lies our power to do, also lies our power not to do

- Aristotle

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
- Orson Welles

rarely do members of the same family grow up under the same roof

It takes a lot of time to be a genius, you have to sit around so much doing nothing, really doing nothing.

- Gertrude Stein

Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it's the only one you have.

- Emile Chartier

We open our mouths and out flow words whose ancestries we do not even know. We are walking lexicons. In a single sentence of idle chatter we preserve Latin, Anglo-Saxon, Norse: we carry a museum inside our heads, each day we commemorate peoples of whom we have never heard.

- Penelope Lively

We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say "It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem." Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes.

- Fred Rogers

believe nothing that you hear, and only half of what you see

those who see present events as part of an unfolding narrative that relates past to present to future have an advantage over those who see events only as snapshots in time

- Derek Abell

No two persons ever read the same book.

- Edmund Wilson

Neither genius, fame, nor love show the greatness of the soul. Only kindness can do that.

- Jean Baptiste Henri Lacordaire

How simple life becomes when things like mirrors are forgotten.

- Daphne du Maurier,

In the presence of eternity, the mountains are as transient as the clouds.

- Robert Green Ingersoll

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

- Ogden Nash

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 2 December :: 4.26pm

nothing tastes good and my tummy always feels like shit.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 23 November :: 11.41am

day number 6 with out power.

it's supposed to snow tonight.

thanksgiving had been cancelled.

I just want to enjoy sleeping in my bed again.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2015 12 November :: 7.02pm

to build a fire

by jack London

read it

i want to hear the stories of your love for me