godessalthena
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2020 9 October :: 10.34am
that moment when your boss says none of us have a racist bone in our bodies, when every propaganda video they have been showing us says we are all just a lil racist.
this is a team of white people talking about racism and privilege. one hispanic lady everyone thinks is white. I don't think there is too much going on here.
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 14 September :: 10.06am
that feeling when your soul is an open window, and everyone can see the wind blow through.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 29 August :: 10.21pm
someone actually paid me back today what the fuck
this is a strange feeling
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 21 August :: 7.59am
I very literally hate every day.
I hate my life.
I hate my choices in life.
I hate the future.
I just want to give up so badly. all this struggle and for what. nothing fucking MEANS ANYTHING.
it's all just cheap plastic emotions and cheap plastic people and cheap plastic money.
I'm so lonely.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 11 August :: 5.54pm
quarantine is taking me back to the sus era.
I feel so isolated and lonely.
I don't like living, I'm done having my dreams crushed.
time to stop dreaming. and start existing in the mud like the fat ugly pig I am.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 30 July :: 9.38am
who have I become?
I don't even recognize myself anymore
there's a stranger under my skin
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 25 July :: 12.38pm
trapped in a box, reaching my breaking point
I need a vacation
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 15 July :: 8.35am
I am really depressed, but a secret depressed that is hiding under a somewhat composed exterior.
I don't know the words to say, or not to say. I know massages and hugs are always comforting. but feeling this God damn helpless to bright his future horizon.
imagine your father dies. imagine he does because some asshole didn't think it was important to wear a mask in public because it's stepping on their "liberties". now imagine the last conversation with your dad was not a positive one, and there is literally no chance now for you to make things right.
now imagine this is the 3rd time it's happened since September.
what the fuck does your best friend/lover/fiance do to help? saying "it'll be okay" feels so cheap and hollow in this situation. "think of the good things" when they are being dragged to the bottom of the ocean by chains of guilt seems an impossible taste, as the darkness of the deep swallows slowly the sun light.
and I never got to give him a grandchild he'll see. I never really got to know him. and now that's a part of my life i have to miss. and our possible child will miss too.
my mind turns to my folks. what if they catch it? will I only have 5 days and no ability to see them or talk to them? will I have to make a life support decision?
my mom lost both her parents by my age. I literally can't even imagine how I would survive that. and now it's a reality for so many millennials. and my heart absolutely breaks for everyone who's lost family or friends to this stupid fucking virus, and these stupid fucking rude americans who all just live in their own hellish little bubble of self pity self loathing and inability to take responsibility for anything.
I can't help but agree with him though, like... in the face of all of this... what's the point? what is the fucking point of this absurd existence on an insignificant dot in the middle of no where in the vast infinity of the universe?
the only meaning life has, is the meaning you give it.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 11 July :: 9.44am
and just like that he's gone.
3rd in 12 months. life is really fucking unfair.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 7 July :: 10.30am
trying to remain calm
trying to have positive thoughts
but what if he dies?
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 4 July :: 8.25am
I keep wondering what's the point of moving forward.
I'm a miserable person doomed to feel this way for the rest of life.
I won't make a good mother, I'll teach my child how to be spineless, how to be a doormat, how to pathetically let people walk all over them.
I can't even carry a conversation. I can't make friends. I'm just boring, fat and hideous.
I don't want to buy a house anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't want to take care of anyone but myself. I just want to be alone and hide in my little hole.
I just want to be let go, so I can start my homesick fade to white.
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 27 June :: 11.01am
I'm not a rock
I'm crumbling sand stone
just garbage in the wind lacerating your lungs
shredding your heart
completely worthless
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 11 June :: 2.31pm
everybody's changing
and I don't feel right
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 10 June :: 7.45am
:: Mood: crushed
I'm a sad lonely girl
living in a cruel sick world
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 9 June :: 2.48pm
I am so fucking sick of people being assholes.
grow the fuck up.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 31 May :: 9.44pm
I'm tired of everyone dying, why is life so sad?
drug addiction just decimated another bright young man.
just so some cartel can have another swimming pool or whatever else.
and now there's another hole in his heart and I hate that I can't fix it.
rip Ashton. you will be dearly missed, I know.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 15 May :: 9.16am
:: Music: ember city by mastodon
I'm really missing you today corry. to think last year this time last year I was taking you to the hospital and you were in there so long... and I never visited you.
you must have felt so scared and alone. that probably pushed you away the most. like I only half cared about you.
I just miss you. why did you have to go. why aren't you here?
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 3 May :: 11.37am
I'm not sure what it is that I'm feeling
I know I wish I could help, but I know that I can't
at least the view is beautiful
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 21 April :: 9.14pm
so sick of having a cycle. every month it's the same stupid feelings, same stupid insecurities.
just really homesick too. I'm lonely.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 12 April :: 8.03am
:: Mood: utterly devastated
can it just be tomorrow?
I hate everything about today.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 11 April :: 8.16am
it's called free fall
I'm the noose mistaken for a necklace.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 31 March :: 3.25pm
I just wish I had someone to talk to, who said more than just "ok" or nothing. I have animals for that.
this is why I don't trust anyone, or open up, or share. because people always just are hard like rocks or prickly like porcupines when literally all I want is a hug and for someone to say "I know how you feel, and I hope it gets better for both of us" and maybe idk.. actually try to relate to me? rather than just making me feel like an idiot for even trying to share.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 23 March :: 3.38pm
I hate myself with every fiber of my being.
why are these decisions so hard?
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 13 March :: 12.43pm
I know my heart should guide me but,
There's a hole within my soul
What will fill this emptiness inside of me?
Am I to be satisfied without knowing?
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 13 March :: 8.41am
almost to our 4 year anniversary and finally starting to plan on moving in together
we both have a lot of trepidation as we are concerned our personalities might clash living together. we both enjoy our own time apart, but also enjoy each other's company.
I've been on edge lately. we went to Corry's grave last weekend and it filled me with sorrow, grief, regrets and introspection. I wish I had done more to help him, taken him to follow up appointments. he is buried next to his dad, who literally died the year before. so much heartbreak. I miss you.
and that just tore open the flood gates for all my other negative emotions. I just feel terrible about myself, and everything seems to freak me out. this move is scary because of my past with roommates. this move is scary cuz I still have a bit of debt and I'd like to not have that hanging over me. I'm nervous about living with a 19 year old.
but I'm excited to start my life with him, and excited for the future, and I want to stay that way. it's just hard to overcome my negative thoughts.
idk what to do. stay here longer? move out now? wait for the bubble to pop and buy a house and live there?
I wish I knew. I wish I had a sign.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2020 2 March :: 7.22am
shit is just so boring. even with a new plague taking the world, I'm still just like...
meh.
who cares?
good riddance anyway.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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