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.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 28 November :: 10.19pm

not kidding this time. i'm serious. I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.

i even changed my school schedule all around so that i'll have more time to work out .

I MUST DO THIS

i don't want hi helen arms and thunder thighs anymore.

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.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 9 November :: 1.35pm

i dont know what is going on with my life. maybe this is the changing point. how long can you go on not knowing?

i'm scared that ..........blhe bandlkfjalsdkjflkgja;ldkgjasldkgjasldkgjsldg

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.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 7 November :: 2.56pm

me and jess tried on wedding dresses together today.

i'm not sure which one i want. she is though

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.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 4 November :: 7.45pm

sometimes i just wonder what would happen if i just dropped out of school. i hate it so much it makes me so frustrated. there really is nothing i enjoy about it. nothing i get out of it. i've learned a few things ..... the only class i really liked and i didn't even like it that much i just found it relatively interesting was medical terminology.

it is stupid. fuck. i should just drop out and i'm not getting anywhere anyway. fuck fuck fuck. i wish i could just move to florida with my parents.

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.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 28 October :: 8.49pm

so today .... was like the worst day ever.

except i bought a new camera. i know i know why why why but i can't stand not havin a camera. and this one is really cool i hope it's really as awesome as i think it is.

it has a million settings and stuff.

now if only my man would come home...where is he? work.......

stupid work and stuff. stupid stupid. what an awful day.

i thought wer were gonna see a movie today but ... doubt it.

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bigwilly

:: 2007 20 October :: 5.26pm

Canada is on to my spying and has moved its operations underground.

do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 11 October :: 12.33am

Tonight roman and i went out to east beltline- got coffee at beaners and then went into pet supplies plus and saw these bunnies and the woman let me hold one and then let roman hold the other and they were these dwarf bunnies and we want one really bad. i know that's bad- our apt is going to be all gross with pets but not really but we want one becaue they were so adorable and the woman said that they can be litter box trained and stuff and that they are good pets and you can let them out and hop around and stuff.

so yeah i duno. we might get a bunny i think.

and then we looked at halloween costumes . but we need to find something fun to do on halloween before we go and buy the costumes becaues they are expensive.
but if we do go somewhere we want to look all cute and costumey.

annnd then we went to the IMAX and saw transformers. i had never been there before so it was pretty neat. it was making me a little nauseous though because it is so big and stuff.

and other than that, i want to quit school because seriously i am doing really horrible and i studied hard and thought i did quite well on that last test and i did awful. i'm so pissed. at myself, at the class, at davenport, at the test. they are horrible tests. they are hard and confusing and stupid.

ugh

but seriously i don't want to be a fricken failure. i want to have a career. i dont want to just be a little housewife with kids. i mean, seriously- i dont care if it sounds pathetic to some people but that is my number one thing i look forward to - i look foward to having a family and raising our kids and being the perfect mother and wife. that is number one on my list and always will be but i reallly feel like i won't feel like i accomplished as much as i could have. i'll feel like i failed or like i didn't reach my potential. like... i have to have a CAREER too. at some point. you know? my mom regrets it so much and i don't want to have that same regret.

I hate school so much though. and i honestly really really don't have any idea what i would be good at.

but i'm shadowing this guy's that my dad knows daughter. ( i know i wrote that all wrong i dont care right now) and she is a nurse so i guess i'll find out then if i could handle it or not. which i know i probably can't. ughghghghgh hwhatever.

and anyway i like midnite sun and cruise and getting tan and sexy now if only i could get myself to start fricken working out . seriously. i need to get serious about that. i really really do. i just feel like a moron in front of all those muscley guys. eww and i don't want to run on the tredmills and fall on my face like on a tv show. i'd be so embarassed. and it would hurt. i can't run on those treadmills. i'm not coordinated enough to do that and listen to my earphones and sing MY hUMPS in my head and watch the tvs with no sound and worry about what people are thinking of me and check my heart rate all at the same time.

HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT. HOW DO YOU RUN ON TREADMILLS.

and that m y friend is the question of the day. how DO you people run on treadmills.

SHIT.


shoot.

well goodnight. any advice is welcomed.


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.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 9 October :: 6.29pm

i'm quite sure one of the many reasons i am not doing well in this stupid one night a week, three hour class is that there are computers in here. this a fricken computer lab. not a classroom. dude. seriously. it's 6 at night-there are plenty of other classrooms but no they stick us in a classroom with computers with access to facebook and myspace and woohu and email. ughghghhh and then the boredom hits and i'm online.

i've never done so bad in school. i think it's a sign. i shouldn't be a nurse. i doubt i can handle it. i'm compassionate but i'm too compasionate i cry whenever someone else gets tears in their eyes. i'd be walking around crying 24/7 and my waterproof makeup wouldn't hold up and also would clog my pores.

fuck you davenport .....i have such mixed feelings towards you- you gave me so much money and a good oppurtunity but no choices.

i think maybe we should break up. how do you feel about that davenport? i think maybe you are no good for me and i am getting no where being with you.

is anyone good at statistics? i'm not.

i really should just leave this class. i think i may. there's no point in me being here. i leave with pointless notes that i never ever look at. they mean nothing to me.

damnit.
stupid college. What else could i do with my life? seriously i dont think i would be good at anything. i'll be a good mom and that's really pretty much it.
i duno. gotta check homework i'm sure i'll be back

do you love me?


tare

:: 2007 9 October :: 9.43am

I knew being patient would work out. =]

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.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 8 October :: 3.28pm

goodbye red robin hooray!!!

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.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 8 October :: 12.06am

So today i was in a really horrible mood. really life isn't that bad. i am just really really stressed and overwhelmed. i have too much stuff going on.

what it comes down to is that i am horrible at making decisions. and yeah

gosh now i forgot what i was going to say.

do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 7 October :: 6.53pm

what the hell is a wedding anyway.

fuck this shit . i need a mother fucking vacation i swear to god if i wouldn't lose my scholarship i would leave this stupid fucking country in an instant. fuck the sholarship, i'm going to lose it anyway because there is no god damn way i'm passing that fucking class. who the fuck am i kidding whydidn't i just enroll in chic or some shit so i could actually have some income by now. seriously how the hell do people even fucking do it. theres no fucking way . i'd say i shoudl move back in with my parents but fuck it they are moving to florida anyway so too god damn late for me.

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.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 6 October :: 7.21pm

okay so red flannel is like scary and loud and ugly

and i dont know if i can go to one ever again. it had good parts and i liked the band competition but i couldn't wait to leave. i know, bad right but i duno

whatev

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.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 2 October :: 10.46am

Okay so I work on Wednesday and then I don't work again until Sunday.

I have to tell you guys something...

I'm so excited for Friday and Saturday. AHHH i'm such a loser. I've never been way excited for RED FLANNEL DAY lol except when I was in a band-it was a pretty big deal because of the performance and parade. but still.

I am like counting down the day until the Friday game and excited for RFD and the nothingness. I dont know.

I miss...
home?

and guess what!

I HAVE AN INTERVIEW AT THE PLACE I WANT SO BADLY TO WORK AT YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

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tare

:: 2007 30 September :: 10.47pm
:: Music: silence

I could spend all day trying to figure out why things are taking the course they are, but why? At the end of the day it isn't up to me. Things are the way they are because that's how they're supposed to be. Life isn't going to be easy every step of the way... I need to realize that.

I am going to face hard times and extremely difficult obstacles. There are going to be times when I feel as if nothing is going right and my heart is going to hurt. I need to embrace life for what it is, and what I have... instead of cursing it because it isn't what I want. I'm 19 years old, how do I even know what I want?

I don't, that's the thing. I don't know where I want my life to be tomorrow, or next week, or next year. I just don't know. What I do know is that I love him and I want him in my life. I need to realize that just because I want it, doesn't mean it's what is best for me and God will let me know if he is or not. Sooner or later God will let me know where I'm going and what I'm doing. I need to have faith in that, I need to let him show me the way instead of thinking I can do it by myself, because I can't.

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