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.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 4 June :: 9.29am

it's SO fucking stupid. be real. stop being so fucking FAKE!

do you love me?


brokenmentality

:: 2006 2 June :: 4.31pm

i was just reading some of my old entries. i should have seen this coming, and yet how naive i was to still be so happy.

6 love me | do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 31 May :: 9.35am

okay i am so excited.

my apartment is SET. number 212. That's gotta be lucky because 2 is my lucky number. it even faces the pond which is exactly what i wanted because that pond is so super cute. on the second floor like i wished and requested. i am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


and the only bad thing is her office is closed tomorrow so we can't come see it and roman still hasn't even got to view it so now we have to wait longer... well at least it will give us more time to decide on what colors we want them to paint it because i still haven't been able to decide.

if anyone has suggestions on what color we should paint a kitchen with no window, a livingroom with a big sliding door window/patio, a small bathroom, and a bedroom
...let me know please

me and roman are moving in!!! like i said, my trunk is just filling up with odds and ends we need. tomorrow, we are going shopping and browsing for more things we need. stef and paul have been so nice giving us a ton of stuff we'll need. and gave us a GREAT deal on a tv and tv stand. we already had one but it wasn't too great and now we'll have two if want want one in the bedroom.

i'll be starting college 2 weeks after we move at davenport. roman and i have both put in our transfer requests and should be able to smoothly transfer to the clyde park location. i am so excited.

ahh this is so great

Yay i'm so happy. the rest of the deposit is due sometime this week and i am so excited!!!

4 love me | do you love me?


Tails

:: 2006 31 May :: 3.09am
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: The Dresden Dolls - First Orgasm

Little bits And pieces of clouds.
Its been raining all day. on and off. then steady. now its raining.

I fucking love the rain it allows you to stop and think.
i went to the park alone and sat (not morely) a cop came up behind me and asked what i was doing out here.

Me: "trying to clear my head"
Cop: "troubling isnt it?"
Me: "yes it really is, especially when you cant decided on whats worth leaving and whats worthing taking"
Cop: "maybe i should just take your I.D. run it and let you sit"
Me: "that would be nice"
Cop: "ill be back"

(She runs my I.D. and all is well)

Me:"Thank you officer, Have a good night"
Cop: " you too matt, and remember something for me."
Me: "yes?"
Cop: "Whats left to lose?"

I stood stunned and in complete and utter awe at what just happen.
As she walked back to her car and took off all i could to what sit there and stare into the fucking trees as the rain picked up and fell warmer.
It was like i had been trapped in a fucked up movie.
it was perfect. It was honestly the answer i was looking for for so long.
But who was she? Why did she tell me that?
Why would she say that?
Why wouldnt she just be like get on out of here or something else rude and cop like?

Why did she tell me that profound truth?

Maybe she was sent to me from something or somewhere.

either way it was interesting and felt great to sit in the rain and think alone and clear my head of thoughts with a little assitance

BTW Becky, Run with the passing of the torch my dear. Run fast and dont stop.

3 love me | do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 31 May :: 12.27am

So this is how it rolls: List ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.

1. You hurt me.
2. It's all a joke.
3. I really like you. Honestly, I love you. I'm sorry I lie to you and I want to be what we should be.
4. I don't think I'll ever forgive you and I don't think you are as great as you seem to think you are.
5. One day you'll realize that being so 'good' isn't good.
6. Stick in there. Deep down I know you and I are a lot alike. And I believe that you'll be really successful when you grow up so don't worry.
7.I never tried. And also I cheated a lot.
8. I'm not as great as you think I am.
9. I don't deserve it.
10. I wasn't lieing when I said I didn't like myself.

3 love me | do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 30 May :: 10.20am

nevermind, i guess.

4 love me | do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 30 May :: 12.10am

i hate myself.

do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 28 May :: 12.25am

you just have to revive me.

you're the only one who can do that, jess. everyone else just pisses me off.

aww well isn't that sweet. being in love is just the best isn't it.

I am getting kinda excited for stef's wedding and i'm happy that she is with a good guy and that everything is good for them and i can't wait for the baby makin. wait, that sounds wrong. i can't wait for a baby to be made. Yes... lol. i dont really care how it gets done, just do it. lol i want a little nephew. yes , a nephew not a neice. if it's a niece they can have it back. girls just bug me.

i am also THRILLED to be moving in august!!! YAY moving in with my best friend/ boyfriend lol. i love him and can't wait to like, own our toilet paper lol. we will own everything in that little apartment and it will be ours! yay! i am so excited. i can't stop buying little things for us for the apartment. my whole trunk is almost full to capacity and soon the backseat probably will be too. i only need a few more things really. it seems like a lot but it's probably not that much.. i duno. and stef and paul are giving us a bunch of stuff after their wedding gifts which is awesome of them.

i'm so excited! and i love my baby! not literallly baby. not like i'm preggy baby but like my baby darling roman r to the o to the MAN roman banana shana fo fanna foman. roman.


love!

2 love me | do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 27 May :: 9.18am

ugh how'd i get so fucking replaced?

dumb

and oh what else is dumb. i dont have work from 9 - 5:30 like i thought. it's 10- 7:30... so i still dont' have to close but the day will pretty much be over when i get out. hooray. and my wisdom teeth (lack there of) still hurt and are even bleeding still. gross i know but what do i do. i dont know what else there is to do? so now i just get to talk for 9 hours making it worse. ugh!

do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 26 May :: 11.46pm

omg.

i realized for the second time that i am done with high school

party!!!

and i love beans and love working with her but i hate working

tomorrow's another day another dollar. as much as i hate that phrase.

9-5:30..... at least i dont have to close.

ASLK!@! and my teeth or lack there of still hurt. i actually think they are bleeding. come on and heal already jeez.

and oh wait there's more. i am so totally in love with roman bryan nastally garcia. i could just dance! love him. yay for love. and everyone in it.

do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 26 May :: 10.01am

oh my gosh i need to lose weight.


i'm getting so ... ugh frusterated. what if i can't handle it all. ugh and then right after i type that he calls and says i love you. pfff. sucker. i'm a sucker for him. well okay . in short. i can handle it and i will handle it and it will be the happiest moment in my life when i am finally free. we are finally free. i can't wait and i can say i did it on my own. we did it.

but i still need to lose weight. i'm so gross.
8 months of being apart and never better.

well, doctors appointment and then work from 1 - 10pm. i have no life. but i need the money.

do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 24 May :: 2.29pm

go to bank
get schedule at rosies
mail at postoffice
pay car payment
U

do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 23 May :: 9.49pm

i just took like 30 pictures of myself and edited them all

getting your wisdom teeth out doesn't hurt THAT bad but it sure it boring!

living room dark red and bed room purple... bathroom i think light blue and what color should the kitchen be?

3 love me | do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 23 May :: 2.33pm
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: i write sins not tradgedies

life may be okay again

So i think it's fine and we're fine and most of all i'm fine because you were fine to begin with. which i highly appreciate and find completely supportive and sweet and loving and it was sweet to hear it all but i just could not handle it i know.

it is a little tiny bit sad but most of all.. not.

so i am happy and not scared and my mouth hurts but hopefully that willl be the only pain i experience for a long time.

hooray, life is good again i think and i am so looking forward to the move and the apartment. yay!

do you love me?


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2006 22 May :: 11.01pm

well i got my wisdom teeth out todya. it wasnt as bad as thought i t was gonna be. i started getting alittle teary-eyed when they stuck the IV in my arm and hooked all the ekgs and stuff up to me. i heard my heart beat and it was going so fast because i got really scared and they stuck the little tubes up my nose to breath and then that's all i remember really. then i just felt really sick on the way home as we were pulling onto my road i was sure iw as going to throw up because my mouth was so dry and i was so hot and i was just like sitting in my moms car passed out while she got my prescriptions and some soft/liquid food. i told her it was okay but when i woke up from my stupor i wished i had told her to just bring me home first because i felt so sick . my mouth was so dry it was jut making me really sick.

but then i just watched a movie and had some more vicadin and fell asleep. .... haven't done much today just stayed in bed and slept and got more meds and slept more and then just went dow n and ate a little more applesauce and pudding. and now i'm just chillin... about ready for bed. and some more vicadin. i deff. dont mind that stuff. i'm really mellow.

for the most part.

do you love me?

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