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2003 20 December :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: talking to jim
i'm just sitting here, eating a candy cane; listening to jim. he's playing driver 2 on playstation. i'm just sittin here watchin' and talking to him. i have to go back to school on monday, that sucks. but christmas vacation starts on thursday.. thank goodness.
my pap is home from the hospital [since yesterday] which is a good thing. let's hope he stays home for a while.
5 days til christmas.
and i still have to christmas shop.
xx.jena
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2003 16 December :: 8.46pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: cheap trick - i want you to want me
wishing jim was here
school was hell; as always. i came home went directly to the bank with my mom to cash a check, went home picked up the girls from the bus and my brother from down the house, we all went to see my pap in the hospital. i was supposed to go shopping with jim.. but plans changed so i called jim told him i couldn't come..
the doctor told my gram that my pap wouldn't make it out of the hospital this time. his heart is giving out. ..right before christmas.
i really don't consider myself "depressed" i just think that sometimes i get sad; like everyone else does.
but right now i am truely upset, mad, depressed and every other word there is. i just really need to be with jim to fuckin' cry on his shoulder for a while. it helps when i do that.. it really helps.
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2003 15 December :: 9.01pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: outkast - hey ya'll [it's just on the radio..]
is it never ending?
i haven't been doing much lately. didn't go to school friday or today..
my pap went back into the hospital again around 7:00 tonight..
i'm almost done with christmas shopping, just a few more things.
10 days til christmas. wow.. that's not very far away.
i think i'm gonna get a shower tonight and just go to school in my pj's tomorrow.
xx.jena
"i want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled, the one who could brighten up your day, even if i couldn’t brighten my own"
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2003 8 December :: 4.08pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: bob marley - no woman no cry
stressed.
-my pap is still in the hospital
-my mom is being stupid lately, we've been "fighting" about everything
-jim sometimes forgets to call me, i get upset
-i keep pasing out (..not joking.)
-i have a whole week ahead of me with assignments due, tests etc;; and it's really stressin' me out
now for the good news..
xx.jena
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2003 5 December :: 6.09pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: switchfoot - ment to live
everybody knows..
my pap is in the hospital again.
he's not doing well. everbody in my family knows that, but no one will openly talk about it.
why is it so hard to talk about someone dying? ..it seems to be a simple question, but it's hard to answer.
..it's just to hard to face, so we cover it up and pretend like nothing is happening; when really we're losing a huge part of ourselves.
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2003 1 December :: 2.04pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: linkin park - numb
everything's just getting worse
jim and i were supposed to go to the mall today, but his fone was busy busy busy- and i couldn't get through, so we didn't go. once again jim, thanks for basicly ditching me. 3rd day in a row.
You are the crying eye. You think nothing out
theres worth it an u just want to be alone. You
know uve been hurt 2 much wen u open ur eyes n
all u see are tears.
The type of pain ur eyes behold
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2003 30 November :: 12.20pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: silence
there will always be that one special boy.. that no matter what he does to you, or how bad he hurts you.. you can never let him go.
..thats all i have to say.
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2003 29 November :: 2.22pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: p.o.d. - will you
i don't even know anymore..
so last night jim was like "yeah, i'll call you when i get home." he didn't even fuckin' get home until 1:30 a.m. or so he says and thats why he's calling so late. so i was like okay whatever.. and being that today is our one year anniversary- i figured he'd be like "happy anniversary" or SOMETHING. but of course not. he didn't say shit. a week or so ago we were talking about what we were going to do today and he told me that we were going to the mall, movies, dinner, ect. i kept asking him what we were gonna do today and he was just like "i don't know" "who knows" i'm like okay..? i got really pissed after about 4 minutes, because 9 out of 10- he didn't remember. so i said bye and hung up.. but he didn't call back. so i was just like "fuck it" to myself.. cried for a while. a long while. watched a movie, cried after the movie. did something bad, cried some more. went to sleep at 4:30 or so.. i thought maybe he'd call me back and say something nice, tell me that he didn't forget.. or something.. but no. he didn't.
my aunt called at like 9:30 this morning, because i was supposed to go to centry three with her and my gram, but i didn't go. who the fuck wants to go somewhere when their heart has literally been ripped out of them? i feel like shit.
i always feel like shit anymore.
maybe i'm wrong, maybe he didn't forget.. maybe he'll call me in a little bit and talk to me and say happy anniversary and tell me how much he loves me and everything, but i doubt it.
i'm doubting everything anymore.
//.jena
"your lies leave scars on my wrists"
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2003 28 November :: 11.13pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: legally blonde on tv
bad day
it was just a bad day today..
You are Sally. Jack is your love but he doesn't
even think of you that way. you long to become
your own person and get away from your
posessive creator.
What character from Nightmare Before Christmas are you???
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2003 27 November :: 5.31pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: bush - glycerine
happy thanksgiving everyone.
well, first off i'd like to tell everyone happy thanksgiving! and i hope everyone is having a wonderful one, with friends/family.
i was up my aunts, and a lot of my family. i would just sit in my chair and watch them. now about 1/2 of them have little kids, and my cousins greg and tiff just had a little girl about a year or so ago.. and i would just sit and watch how my cousin greg would look at her. you could just tell she was the center of his world. it was so cute. hailey [thats her name] is so cute. very very cute.
so i'm glad about everyone being up there.. but i wish more people could have made it. my pap isn't doing to good, so who knows what will happen, ya know? i just wish some people would understand that.
i think this year was the first year i actually stayed ate at a table with some people. i usually just go off by myself and eat in the living room- or whatever. but hey, i can change.. right? =]
jim said he was going to be out around 3, haha fuckin' yeah right. i hate when he tells me something and then doesn't do it! he could call me or something. but no. no no no.
i don't even care.
i'm in a pretty good mood- even though i am disappointed in him.
but hey, what else is new?
it'll be a year for jim and i on the 29th of this month. ONLY 2 DAYS AWAY! ahh! it's so scary! but it's wonderful. =]
i'm gonna go back up my aunts. like i said, i hope eveyone is having a wonderful thanksgiving!
xoxo.jena
"i made the choice to finally go because i can’t stand this pain. it’s time for my last tear to fall and me to smile again."
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2003 25 November :: 5.54pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: smile empty soul - bottom of the bottle
please do this.
my mom e-mailed me this site for Campbells soup. they're helping the people that need food.
what you do is [first CLICK HERE.] and then click on you favorite team of the NFL. [or if you don't have a favorite team, vote for the Pittsburgh Steelers. ;) ]
please do that.. just imagine what it'd be like in their shoes.
xx.jena
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2003 23 November :: 7.27pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: talking to jim
got what i wanted
yeah, jim stayed home from work yesterday.. and today. =)
we went to the mall today- i got some stuff. (3 new shirts.)
that's all.
xx.jena
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2003 22 November :: 1.59pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: silence
nothing in particular
jim was supposed to go to work today, be he got really sick.. so he's not going in until 5. which is good, cause that means he'll get to spend more time with me. but i think he should just call off the whole day. so i can go over his house and stay or something. yeah. i think i'll try to get him to do that.
i'll update later with the results.
xx.jena
"they lie in bed with nothing said, as she gently falls asleep.
he thinks about how life would be if they didn't meet."
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2003 20 November :: 9.04pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: jims playstaion game
...
i just came down from my aunt and uncles.. [my gram and pap live with them.] and my pap is back from the hospital the other day. i just went up and saw him.
he's not doing so good.. but it's better than we thought he'd be..
now we can just pray, and hope for the best.
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2003 16 November :: 9.13pm
:: Mood: content, in a pretty good mood.
:: Music: talking to allison [amys sister]
_!@#&?
i just got back from wal*mart.. some things i bought:
2 cards for jim [one for our 1 year anniversary, which is on nov. 29.. and one to give to him tonight.. because it's cute. and i love him to pieces.]
a "big jim" [LOL it's this HUGE candy cane.. but they call it a "big jim" hahaha] that's also for jim.
letter stickers
and thats it.
we stopped at subway. and i got a sweet onion chicked teryaki sub. mmmm mmmm good.
right now i'm helping allison with her math homework. oh yeah.
okay, sorry amy hopped on the computer for a couple minutes.
so right now i'm pretty bored.. i miss jim. even though i saw him today..
i love you jim.
xx.jena
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2003 15 November :: 10.58pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: radio
my blob
aww.. look: it's my useless,
but cute, BLOB!
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2003 15 November :: 3.29pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: silence
laga and other things..
so last night we went to club laga to see tear her eyes. ahhhh.. what an adventure on the way there, and the way back.. right amy? lol. we had fun.. oh yeah we did.. haha.
some funny moments:
-- HAPPY SACK TIME
-- Tampon rental.. haha
-- Me going out the In door
-- The LJS hat
-- The guys' faces at BP
-- Me and Amy dancing in the parking lot
-- CORN SQUIRTERS!!
-- PURDUE?! ::points:: IT'S HERS!
-- Ahhh Amy!! I'm so stupid for not talking..!!
[thanks amy.. i stole this from you.]
this won't mean anything to anyone other than amy and i.. haha.
I went down jims house around 12:00, and just got back at 3:20. and here i am writing in my journal.
i'm hungry as shit..
xx.jena
"Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?"
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2003 13 November :: 11.22pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: our lady peace - supermans dead
a little lot mad.
..jim ended up not coming over last night.
i'd rather not even talk about it.
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2003 12 November :: 10.18pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: semisonic - closing time
to many pills.
i'm anxious for jim to get here.. hopefully he comes over. he's been promising me he'd come over for the past almost a week now. :(
 
aww.. it's mr floppers.
so my mom got my perscription, and i started taking them tonight. i guess after i'm done with these pills, they're going to give me a yeast infection- and then i'll have to get medicine for that. [is it never ending?! when will i be off drugs?! haha]
since i missed those two days, i really didn't miss that much, i caught up in advance word processing, and the only class that i'm really kinda behind in is algebra. so oh well. i'll just get caught up with that, then i'm good. i forgot to get my report card. damn.
it's so cold outside anymore. i don't like it. i want it to be spring. and stay spring. forever.
xx.jena
"i can hear you in a whisper but you can't even hear me screaming"
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2003 11 November :: 3.00pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: moulin rouge
the infatuation will end.
..sorry about the title, watching moulin rouge again.
i'm just sitting here, on my day off of school [it's veterans' day.] not really doing anything. jim was supposed to come over last night, and he promised. yet once again- he somehow "couldn't find a ride" god, he makes me so mad! i didn't go to school yesterday, and i don't have school today. it would have been a perfect time for us to be together.. but no.
yesterday i went to the doctors. i had to give them a urine sample.. and they gave me these pills that makes my pee orangeish/red! omygosh, it's really scary, because every time i look down after i go to the bathroom- i think i'm bleeding.. whoa, it's just kinda freaky. but oh well. as long as they help! i have a really bad bladder infection. it sucks so bad. my mom has to run out sometime today and get my other pills- i think they're just antibiodics.
i missed 2 days of school [friday and monday] so i'm gonna be more behind in all my classes.. and i'll be getting my report card tomorrow. damn.
i can't wait until friday, amy and i are going to club laga [a little club in pittsburgh.] ohhhh yeah.
oh i forgot to tell everyone that i'm not moving. which is a good and a bad thing. but oh well, can't do anything about it now.
man, i really don't want to go to school tomorrow.
xx.jena
"nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets."
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2003 9 November :: 6.52pm
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: meet joe black [the movie] on tv
was an o.k. day..
i love this movie.. meet joe black god, it is so sad.. i'm sitting here crying because of the ending.. :(
today was an ok day.. i guess. i woke up around 11, and just got online and did nothing until around 2 and then i started to paint my mirror. my mirror my mom got somewhere, she was just going to throw it away, and i told her i wanted it.. and i'd paint it and everything. so i started that today. it's black and silver. but i'm not totally done with it, i still have to paint some silver stuff on it. i waited and waited until around 4:30, because jim was supposed to come over after work and stay the night because he didn't work tomorrow. i waited and waited and waited and he finially called at 6:30, and told me that he couldn't come over and that he just got home.
i was worried, now i'm just kinda upset.
i have school tomorrow. and i don't want to go. now that jim's not going.. i don't even have a reason to go anymore. it's like that quote that says:
there's always one boy
who makes you get up
and go to school everyday
..and jim was that boy. :(
..and now he's not in school anymore.
..so what now?
ahhhh.
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2003 9 November :: 3.39pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: the radio
a picture of jim and i
it's a picture of jim and i. =)
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2003 8 November :: 5.22pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: trapt - still framed
in a pretty good mood
hello. it was actually a darn good day today.
i woke up around 9:30, and called jim. no one answered, so i called back around 10:30 or so, and he finially answered. we talked for a while, then around 11:30 [after i got a shower and everything] i walked down his house. when i got there we popped in a movie, [tom and huck.. a disney movie. mwahaha.] and we watched half of that, went upstairs ordered some food, came back downstairs waited for the food and then watched the rest of the movie. after that we just waited until my mom got there and then he left and went to work, and i left and went home.
i missed him. we're doing good actually. i don't have any more doubts about us. =) none what-so-ever. =)
i'm pretty happy.
<3 jena.
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2003 6 November :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: nerdy
:: Music: whatever's on the radio.
haven't updated.
sorry i haven't been updating lately.. i guess i needed a break from on here..
but i'll write more. promise.
sorry to friends that i haven't been noting. <3 you guys.
well, note me if you still remember me.. :(
oh, everyone should join nerdnation.net. it's awesome.
<3, jena.
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2003 25 October :: 7.46am
:: Mood: tired, and annoyed
:: Music: silence
i can't sleep. damnit
it's 7:30 in the morning, and i'm wide awake. what the hell? it's the weekend, i should be sleeping in. but nooo.. not me. not jena.
so much stuff has been going on.. actually just to much to write about. but i'll write a little about a couple.
we did go to georges interview on wednesday. the town is called sunbury. the houses are beautiful.. i think beautiful might be to dull of a word. we'll know by the begining of this week if george got the job, and if we will have to move.
jim and i.. lets see. to much to write about. so much going on. and just so much i don't even want to talk about.
the little town parade is today. aww. i'm not going. jim has to work.. i don't like going anywhere without him. so oh well.
andyfest is sunday. [it's like a little benifit concert with all kind of bands, because this little boy got hit by a truck and died.. and every year his family does this.] it's like hard rock, and heavy metal kinda music. it's definitly awsome. so i hope jim can get off work for that.. but if he can't, that's one thing that i'll go to no matter what.
i guess i don't really have anything else to write..
oh, i've been thinking about making my journal a friends only journal. only because i know some people that i don't like read it. =)
..but i'm not sure yet what i'm going to do.
i love you jim.
xx.jena
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2003 19 October :: 11.48pm
:: Mood: i was in a good mood, until my entry didn't save,
:: Music: cheap trick - i want you to want me
jim?
so last night around mindnight, jim called and we sorta got into a little fight, i don't even remember what it was about, but i was like "so do you think we need some time off? is that what you think?" and he said "yeah, i guess" so i was like "well if times what you want, then you have all the time you want." and i said bye and hung up the fone.
he called back a little later, while i was still crying [i didn't answer the fone.] and was like "jena, i love you blah blah blah i just don't know why you always get mad at me.. blah blah blah.. i love you so much, and i never ever want time apart from you. i love you so much, you can call me back even though i know you probably wont. love you, bye.." that was pretty much what he said, i probably left out a couple things, but it's okay, it was for me anyways, not for everyone else to hear.
i was crying for probably 30 minutes, before i got that.. then i fell asleep around 1 or 2.. he called at like 3:00, and i answered. we made up i guess, though i don't really remember what we said. but he did say sorry.. and that he loved me and everything..
today he called me before he went to work, and we talked.. but just for a couple minutes, cause he had to leave for work. and we just told eachother that we loved eachother and all that good stuff.
i was going to have my mom take us to the movies after he got off work, but he worked overtime cause someone got fired or something. so that screwed my plans for making up with him. [damn that person for getting fired. =(=(=(]
he came up amys around 9:30-10:00.. and we hugged, and kissed and all that good stuff. i love him so much. i can't even imagine not being with him. i don't even know what i'd do.. probably die.
this wed. he might go with us to the little town near harrisburg. [aww!] i can't wait to go. thank god i get out of school.
-x|x- jena
-----compared to what i wrote, and what really happened. this sounds like a fuckin fairy tale.
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2003 18 October :: 3.49pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: scooby-doo on tv
-hopefully moving-
okay.. jim had to be at work at four and he didn't call me all fuckin day.. it's 3:42 right now. so he probably left for work already. god. i am so pissed off.
To Die Alone
Your greatest fear is to die alone. You are
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most is someone to understand you and be with
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george is going for an interview [for that job near harrisburg] on wed. and my mom and i are going to go with him to look for some houses. we need him to get this job so much. we need the money.. really bad. so i get to skip school wed. [thank god]
i came home from school early yesterday. fuck school. i hate everyone in it. why can't people just leave me alone, and not ask me questions?
xx. jena
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2003 18 October :: 11.31am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: silence
(more upset than mad)
"i'll call you when i get home from work" were some of the last words i heard from him before he left to go to work..
11:30 came.. no call.
12:00 came.. no call.
12:30 came.. no call.
1:00 came.. no call.
1:30 came.. no call.
2:00 came.. no call.
2:30 came.. no call.
3:00 came, i gave up and went to bed.
so, yeah. i am a little pathetic, waiting about 3 hours more than i should.. i knew past 12:00 if he didn't call, then he wouldn't call at all.. but you know me and my wishful thinking.
i woke up at 6:00 crying in my sleep. i had a nightmare.. though i don't want to talk about it.. i went to the bathroom, and then stayed up for about 30 minutes, because i checked my cell for any missed calls, or messages someone might have left on it..
jim's my whole world.. so what do i have left when he's takin away from me?.. nothing.
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2003 17 October :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: sad
he studied her for a long while when he walked in the door "you look tired," he said.
not tired, sad. she thought to herself, as she smiled and slightly shrugged it off..
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