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2003 14 October :: 5.10pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: the used - bulimic
not that it's any of your business..
just to clear some things up, about my last entry.. i wasn't talking about anyone that has a journal on here, or any of my "friends".
so, who ever left me that note. there you go. it clears that up.
apparently people didn't read the disclamer on the top of my journal. so read it. NOW. so maybe next time, you won't have a problem.
i'm going to go, shut the computer off because it's storming really bad.
xx.jena
p.s. i love you jim.
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2003 13 October :: 7.08pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: cold - stupid girl
..
no one feels sorry for you.
so don't try and make them feel bad.
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2003 12 October :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: limp bizkit - no sex
best friends.
I had this in my info on AIM:
some friends don't understand this. they don't understand how desperate i am for someone to say, "i love you and i support you just the way you are because you're wonderful anyway you are." they don't understand that i can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. i am so demanding and difficult for my boyfriends because i want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though i am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time.. not moving. depression is all about "if you loved me you would" as in if you loved me you would stop doing everything besides sitting here by my side and passing me tissue and asprin while i lie and cry and drown myself and you in my misery.
amy said this to me a couple seconds later:
asthesmilefades (6:56:18 PM): i love you and i support you just the way you are because you're wonderful anyway you are.
aww.. love you amy. <3<3
xx.jena
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2003 10 October :: 10.31am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: teacher is talking
bad day
yesterday dustin [my brother] and i to the hospital to see my grandpap, and then went to wal*mart..
i guess my grandpap broke a bone right above his tail bone, and he's been in the hospital for about 3-4 days now.. i think. but he's about 87 years old or so, and he's not doing to good. my mom was sick, so she couldn't go- his blood count is down and he can catch any little bug that anyone else has. i hope he's okay, because it's just to early for my grandparents to die.. i don't even know what i'd do.
we went to wal*mart afterwards, and i got some poster board for jim and i's history projects. on our way out in the check out line we saw jen.. [my brothers ex-girlfriend..] so we talked for a minute or so, and after that dustin didn't really talk to me.. i feel bad, because i know how close they were. i mean they lived together for a little more than a year.. and i know he loved her. you could just see it in his eyes.
love sucks.
i got home and talked to my mom and george.. i guess george might get a job in harrisburg.. hmm, that's 4 hours away from where i live now.. and i don't know if i want to go. my mom said that if he does that the job, that if i wanted she'd stay here with me until the end of the school year.. ya know, just to finsh this year of school. and then i asked about jim. they said as long as he got a job and everything, they'd take him with us. so if we do move- as long as jim goes with us. i'm good. =D
[i've had some shit said to me about this paragraph. this does not mean i won't miss my friends. i'm just saying, as long as i have someone to fuckin go with me, i'll be okay.. god, i don't like being yelled at for something that people just don't understand, because i didn't write it clearly.. =/]
school today sucks. i'm in advanced word processing, and i accidently deleted this huge project that i did a couple weeks ago, and i need now to do another project.. so i'm basicly screwed. i don't even know what i'm gonna do. it'll take me forever to re-do the project. grr. screw it. i don't even care anymore. i'm probably gonna fail anyway.
jim isn't here. i am so mad. sometimes i don't even think he wants to be with me anymore.. he never calls me, and he's always working and everything. i don't know, maybe he's just busy.. maybe i'm reading to much into it. but whatever it is, it sucks. because i miss him.. and he's not even gone.
school pictures were today. ha. i found out yesterday. this school is so damn stupid anymore. they didn't even tell us. someone told me yesterday, and i was like "whoa, they didn't even announce it." haha. some people didn't even know about it, and came to school all scrubby and looking dirty. haha. i find it funny though. so i can laugh about it. =)
ahh yes. i'm making a gay site on geocites on yahoo.. haha. i'm not done yet, but when i am, i'll post the link so you can make fun of it =) woohoo.
yeah well i better go. i'm gonna see what i can do on my projects in this class.. god, i'm so behind!!
xx jena
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2003 7 October :: 6.07pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: nirvana - alcohol
my mewlib: a love story
There once lived a long young couple named jim and jena. jim and jena loved to sit their bikes together, look their homework together, and running slowly under the oak tree in jims backyard.
Well, jim was a old girl with yellow black hair and eyes that blew. jena was wooden and the star of the basketball team. jim and jena were very depressed together.
One day, jim was screwing jenas leg and a cat putt-putting over and fucked them both.
haha
p.s. i didn't write this story.. i just put down words when it told me to, and it filled them into this story when i was done.
so don't think i'm some sorta weirdo writing that.. haha
A bloody gruesome death. You're most likely a self-
mutilator. You like the burning sensation you
get as your skin gives way to the blade and
watching as the rivers of blood flow down your
arm and onto the bathroom floor. You don't
really care HOW you end up killing
yourself...just as long as you're dead in the
end and there's a mess for people to clean up.
After all, they deserve it anyway right? And
you like whatever is convenient at the time for
you...so there's no real planning to be done.
What Form Of Suicide Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
"i was the one who said things changed, but you were the one who showed me exactly how much they really did."
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2003 5 October :: 11.29am
:: Mood: grumpy
:: Music: silence
considering suicide?
I got this in an e-mail.. and i decided to post it, because.. well, just read it.
You've decided to do it. Life is impossible. Suicide is your way out.
Fine--but before you kill yourself consider these facts:
Suicide is not usually successful.
You think you know a guaranteed way?
Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But, both his arms are gone.
What about jumping?
Ask John. He used to be intelligent , with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain- damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal.
What about pills?
Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go.
What about a gun?
Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide.
You might too.
But...
Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job- -but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned?
Your father?
Your mother?
Your wife?
Your son?
The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain.
Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now.
You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police.
They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away.
You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it?
Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later.
And we'll work with whatever you have left.
scary, isn't it? it'll make you think twice.. but then again, i don't know.
xx jena.
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2003 4 October :: 11.25am
:: Mood: cold and sore
:: Music: me chewing on pizza
car wreck and other things
yesterday around 4:40, amy her mom and i all were going to go out to burger king, and chow down on some food. but on our way there, we got into a wreck. some stupid lady pulled right out in front of us, and we ran into her passengers side of the car. i was in the back seat, [without a seat belt. ha] amy was in the passengers side, and her mom was driving. so, none of us were really hurt, amys mom hit her head, and has a bruise on her hand.. from hitting something, but she doesn't know what she hit it off of. amy got hurt from the seatbelt, and shes been complaining about that.. so i hope you feel better.. and i just got smushed up against the front seat- hit my right arm, and my chin. but all in all i'm okay. a little sore. but okay ;)
so we dropped amy off at the highschool [she had to go to a football game.] after her mom talked to the lady about everything. then we went to the auto body shops to see how much it would be to fix her car. i guess it'll cost over $1,000. so they couldn't give her the exact total.
that sucks.
so all in all my day was okay yesterday. 8-) except for the fact that when i ask jim to call me, he always "forgets" or some other STUPID reason.. wtf. how can you forget to call your girlfriend? he hasn't called me like 4 different times in a row when i asked him to. i always have to call him, and he just tells me that "he forgot" or "he got in late" wtf? thats fucked up. i'm so pissed.
i don't even know anymore.
xx- jena
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2003 3 October :: 9.39am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: silver chair - do you feel the same
i wish i knew the ending
yeah, whatever.. "life sucks; then you die." ahh. i love saying that. it just kinda- lightens up your day. =)
what day is it again? oh yeah.. friday. sucky old friday. i actually used to like fridays, well then again i actually used to like life. errr- okay, maybe i lied. but oh well. at least i used to like FRIDAYS. but i just don't like anything anymore. -sighs.
jim went to work yesterday at 4.. and he said he'd call me when he got home. but i guess he forgot.. i waited til like 1:00 in the morning. but no call. i'm worried though cause i still can't get ahold of him, so wtf. he should know i'd get worried.. god, i'm so mad!
everythings so blurry
and everyones so fake
and everybodys empty..
and everything is so messed up
be occupied without you
i cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
and i stumbled and i crawl
you can be my someone..
you can be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene..
sorry- listening to puddle of mudd now. -sigh. [i don't put down every song that i listen to, just the first one when i start writing my entry.] so don't get confused.. oh wait- i just read over that and confused myself.
disreguard that last paragraph.
i got a new bed for my room. and a new computer desk. well- really they aren't new. the computer desk was my moms and she got a different one, and the bed was my brothers, and he doesn't need it anymore.. it's kinda funny really; because i'm not worth getting anything new for.
lol.. i'm not worth it.
god, i wish there was fuckin school today. i hate being home alone. [yeah, my family is here. but like i said, i'm alone.] i can't believe i'm actually wishing for school.. god i miss jim.
i have to go over amys tonight- which sucks. only because she's not even gonna be home tonight, she has to go to an away football game [she's in the band]. so i'm stuck at her house for hours probably with her sister.. [i don't know if her sister will be there though] but oh well. i'll fuckin get over it. like i get over everything else.
sometimes i wish i could go back in time. like when i was about 5, and i was always up my aunts. and i didn't know about boys, heartbreaking, depression, being poor or just anything like that. it's so much easier being a little kid. yeah i wanted to grow up so much back then and be like my older brother. but i'm sayin fuck it now.. i want to go back when i was little. i don't like knowing all the shit that i know. it's sorta just like to much shit to handle anymore. to much for my brain to process. it's just to much anymore.. to many responsiblities.. to many things to do. so many things. to many.
i hate looking at pictures.
they bring back to many memories.
god damn them.
thats all. i'm done complaining.
xx. jena
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2003 1 October :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: silence
just another survey
YOUR NAME
(1) The singular boring question, your name: JENA
(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would you name have been: I don’t even know
(3) Would you name a child of yours after you? no
(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with: umm.. probably- no one, I like my name.
(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? they don’t really- they just misspell it.
(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)? no
DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS
(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? no
(8) Do you think God has a gender? I don’t know..
(9) Do you think science counteracts religion? sorta.
(10) Do you believe in organized religion? no
(11) Where do you think we go when we die? probably no where.
(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section? no.
HUMOR
13) How easy is it to make you laugh? very easy
(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most? it’s really a tie between amy, rochelle, jim, and just all my friends..
(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't? all the time.
(16) Why? i don't know
(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile? depends on the moment
(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written? haha, rochelle and Is song about people singing on the bus.. I’ll have to post it sometime.
MUSIC
(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching? depends on if I’m really happy or not.. but most of the time, no.
(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard? “skater ‘boi’ ” by avril lavigne. God, the list goes on.. haha.
(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better? there’s a few actually..
(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head? “so far away” by staind, “think twice” by eve 6
(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best? “hurt” by NIN, “broken” by seether, and “epiphany” by staind
(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use? “i’ll be” by edwin mccaine
(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used? “come what may” from the moulin rouge.. omg, I would melt in his arms.
MOVIES
(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to? MOULIN ROUGE!!
(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original? not always.
(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character? yeah right, I hate that movie/s
(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of? musicals.
(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of? ahh to many..
FOOD
(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness? taste
(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese? provolone
(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality? um.. it’s just cheese?
(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it? not.
(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? yeah, but then I get over it.
COMPUTERS
(36) Mac or PC? PC
(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer? not really.
(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation? yeah
(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone? yeah..
(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later? no.
(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? yeah, lol.
(42) What do you love most about the other gender? everything.
(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender? everything.
(44) What do you understand least about the other gender? why they have to be so immature??
CELEBRITIES
(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it? no
(46) What celebrity's autograph do you want most? everyone from moulin rouge.
(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who? hahahahahaha yeah right.
(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)? Wynonia ryder or however you spell her name. I like her.
(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why? yes.
(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter? not sure.
(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich? no
NUMBERS
(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69? no, I don’t see what the big deal is. Jesus.
(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question? no.
(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number? nope.
(55) Do you actually know your IP address? no
(56) Do you know what an IP address is? yep
(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code? what’s that??
(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives? most definitely.
(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.? haha.
(60) What do you think of pi? 3.14
LOVE, SEX AND ALL THAT
(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title? Not really
(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? scared I guess..?
(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind"? getting to know them.
(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member> I am right now..
(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? I asked my boyfriend out.. I don’t see the big deal.
(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? yeah I don’t think it’s cool..
(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? no not really.
(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking? hahahaha. yeah right!
(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last? in a heartbeat.
(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence? who cares.
POSSESSIONS
(71) What is your favorite possession? my baby jim
(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? ahh.. autographs from the moulin rouge!!!!
(73) How badly do you want it? sooo soo bad!
(74) Have you ever seen 'The Exorcist'? yeah, who hasn’t?
(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section? I still don’t understand..
HOLIDAYS
(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you? no
(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older? 21, when jim and I get married. =)
(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had? when I was little, I was a little princess.. aww I was so cute. I miss those days..
(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had? my old grandma costume.. haha
(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning? MAYBE thanksgiving.. but anymore- I don’t even know.
(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there? nothing, we have enough holidays. Jesus.
MEMORIES
(82) How good is your short-term memory no to good.
(83) How good is your long-term memory? hahahaha.
(84) What is your earliest memory? I can’t even think..
(85) What is your happiest memory ? being with jim..
(86) What is your strangest memory? everything is strange anymore.
(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize? moulin rouge.
TEARS
(88) What movie makes/made you cry? moulin rouge
danielle steel books..
(90) What song makes/made you cry? nothing really..
(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried? jim.
THREE TRULY RANDOM QUESTIONS
(92) Would you like to be cloned? no.
(93) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it? Yeah. as long as I had jim.
(94) Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? isn’t that song on waynes world??
THIS SURVEY
(95) Do you think that one hundred and one questions is too long? yeah, but I’m bored.. so.. yeah..
(96) Do you think the one hundred interesting questions actually were interesting? I guess so.. like I said, I was bored..
(97) Are you sorry you began filling it out? I was bored.. like I said.
(98) What question do you wish it had asked? "If you had to kill yourself how would you choose to go abouti it?"
99) How would you have answered it? I don’t even know.
THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
(100) When was the last time you let the people you love know you love them? today, when jim left for work I told him. =)
(101) What do you want the people who are reading this survey to know? I love you Jim.
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2003 30 September :: 9.27pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: seether - fade away
not really in the mood to write
jim and i went to the movies yesterday. we saw freaky friday. aww. disney movies are the best.
we had fun, it was 10 months for us yesterday. =) such a long time. yes. a long time together.
i l o v e h i m v e r y m u c h
i didn't go to school today. i am hella sick. and it sucks. a lot.
i hope i don't have a lot of things to make up. -growls. i hate homework and such.
i don't really feel like writing.
<3 jena.
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2003 27 September :: 3.30pm
:: Mood: sick, sad
:: Music: incubus
personality test.
The Big Five Personality Test
Extroverted |||||||||| 32%
Introverted |||||||||||||||| 68%
Friendly |||||||||| 32%
Aggressive |||||||||||||||| 68%
Orderly |||||||||||| 42%
Disorderly |||||||||||||| 58%
Relaxed |||| 12%
Emotional |||||||||||||||||||| 88%
Intellectual |||||||||||||| 54%
Practical |||||||||||| 46%
Take Free Big 5 Personality Test
The Big Five is currently the most accepted personality model in the scientific community. The Big Five emerged from the work of multiple independent scientists/researchers starting in the 1950s who using different techniques obtained similar results. Those results were that there are five distinct personality traits/dimensions. Here are your results on each dimension:
Extroversion results were low which suggests you are quiet, unassertive, and aloof.
Friendliness results were low which suggests you tend to be rude, uncooperative, and irritable.
Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious.
Emotional Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.
Intellectualness results were medium which suggests you are moderately creative, original, curious, and imaginative.
Overall, you scored highest on Intellectualness and lowest on Emotional Stability
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2003 24 September :: 10.22am
:: Music: my teacher talking to us
.:just in school:.
i'm in school, not really doing anything, omg, do i want to go home. i am so sick. i think it's a combination of being out in the cold all yesterday [i'll write about that later.] and kelly [she's sick, and she was over my house for a long time last night -growls.]
mrs skilles is telling us about her experince about her Student Teacher Of the Year thing. [she was one of the finialists for Pennsylvania] which is really hard to do. only 12 teachers actually make it. so it's really cool to just have a teacher that was a finialist. =) i'm so proud! (i really actually am.)
so yesterday rochelle stayed over again and we [some aunts, some uncles, and some cousins and jim came over!] it was an okay night really. we roasted some hot dogs on a big bon fire- and some marshmellows. it started at klike 7:00 and i think everyone started to leave at around 9 or so. jim rochelle [kelly was on my computer...........] i think she got us sick! oh well. but anyways, jim left around 11:30- [way to early.. i wanted him to stay all night.] but oh well- he's getting his lisence soon enough. i want him to get it soo bad. god i'm tired of his mom bitching about driving him over my house, and i'm tired of my mom bitching about going to get him and so on.. it just kinda drains me because i hear it from both sides.. -growls.
i guess jim talked to the principle about going to homecoming- he's allowed to go. we got into this big fight because i didn't want to go anymore. yeah, i wanted to go.. but i didn't want to be rushed around looking for a dress and shoes and all that stupid shit. but i don't know, he said he would take some other girl, and i hung up on him. ha. stupid ass. i hung up on him like 6 times in the matter of not even 5 minutes. the next day we were okay though..
so things have been getting to me lately- okay everything has been getting to me lately. just everything. i don't even know what to do anymore. i just got off the handle. if someone talks to me in the wrong way, i'll be mad at them or freakin yell at them for stupid little shit. it's dumb. i'm dumb. but i don't even know anymore. i just don't know.. i just don't know.
becky and i are just sitting here, online because we have a free period in advanced word processing. yay! i'm glad cause i freakin need some time off.
man, i want to go home.
history test today- DAMN IT. fuck history. i hate it. and i'm probably going to fail it. it's not that i don't like history, because i think it's amazing all the things that happened, but i just don't like having to memorize everything. i'm not a memorization kind of person. i'm more of a math person. i'm better at math at most subjects. i don't know anymore. whatever.
george is so fuckin stupid. rochelle and i went up with him to get some ice cream yesterday, and our friend tom came out [he works there.] and he gave roach the middle finger, [they always play around like that.] and george was like "i don't think that was very respectable, if you ever ever do anything like that again, i'll have you thrown off this property." what an asshole? i was so pissed. if he fuckin talks to me, see if i fuckin talk back. fuck him. i don't tell my mom and his friends what to do, they do shit around my little sisters that isn't appropriate, but i don't fuckin tell them that it isn't appropriate. fuck him. and if he does anything like that again, just fuckin see what i do.
sorry for saing 'fuck' so many times. when i get mad, i swear. and omg was i so pissed when he did that.
god, i feel like shit.
<3 jena.
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2003 21 September :: 4.54pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: moulin rouge
love makes us act like we are fools; throw our lives away, for one happy day.
i guess this weekend was okay. =) i got to see jim. i watched moulin rouge a bunch of times. so i am 'happy'
friday jim came over; at 12 midnight. -growls. i was so mad at him because it took him so long to get over here. but at least he came over. i was happy about that.
satine
i follow the night
can't stand the night
when will i begin
to live again?
one day i'll fly away..
leave all this to yesterday..
what more could your love do for me?
when will love be through with me?
why live life from dream to dream?
and dread the day, when dreaming ends..
christan
how wonderful life is.. now your in the world.
satine
one day i'll fly away
leave all this to yesterday
why live life from dream to dream
and dread the day, when dreaming.. ends.
one day i'll fly away..
whoa, sorry i had to type that out.. they were singing it, and i love that part.. ahh. the whole movie rocks.. i'll probably just bust out typing some of the lyrics again later in the entry..
but anyways, saturday- we took jim to work, and then i went homecoming dress shopping with amy. aww. her dress is so cute. i love it very much. it's black with sparkles in the front. and she's going with a nice guy to, so i'm happy for her. [i love you amy!] then we came home to her house and jim drove us to subway. and amy and i got a SUB. =) it was good. [thank you jim, i love you.] then we came back, and amys mom left. matt and jim came up. we chilled and shit. matt went home and then amy jim and i watched moulin rouge. [amy never saw it before- but jim watches it with me all the time.. he probably hates it by now.] he actually fell asleep on the floor next to the couch. but i'm so glad he was there. i miss him since he works anymore.. i don't get to see him as much.
today i didn't really do anything, went to the covered bridge festival with my mom and stuff. i didn't get anything though. but oh well. my mom told me that she was going to paint a smile on my face. haha. yeah.
now i'm just watching moulin rouge again. [yes, the title of this entry is from one of the songs is from the movie.]
all you need is love
a girl has got to eat
all you need is love
she'll end up on the street
all you need is love
love is just a game
i was made for lovin' you baby,
you were made for lovin' me
the only way of lovin me baby, is to pay a lovely fee
just one night, just one night
there's no way, cause you can't pay.
in the name of love, one night in the name of love..
you crazy fool; i won't give into you.
jesus christ, i love that movie- i don't know how anyone can't. ahh. what's wrong with me? haha. i'm obsessed. i love the songs.
"we could steal time.. just for one day, we could be hero's forever and ever. we could be heros forever and ever.. we can be heros- just because i will always love you--"
how wonderful life is, now you're in the world
i love you jim.
<3<3jena.
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2003 20 September :: 12.35pm
:: Mood: i don't know
:: Music: seether
[haha] this is funny
You're depressed. Really you are. And you
definitely have a reason. You often space out
and stare at things blankly, even if you're
normally hyper and energetic. This is because
nothing really seems important anymore. You
might just be sad right now, or you might be
manic depressive. Don't worry. Have some cocoa
and stuff'll be ok.
How Depressed are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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2003 17 September :: 7.34pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: incubus (mourning view cd)
good day?!
"so are you gettin kress straightened up jena?" -my science teacher asked me after class today.
[kress = jim]
haha, that made my day a considerably good one.
=)
p.s. i love you rochelle!!
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2003 16 September :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: i don't even know anymore.. =(
:: Music: commercials on the radio..
nothing anymore.
so yeah.. the moday and tuesday of this week was.. okay if you consider being miserable okay.. but whatever.
last night i stayed at rochelles. i did have fun. =) but i guess her step dad is bein an ass today, so rochelle, i hope you're okay.. i love you! -hugs-
jim and i are okay.. we just fight a lot.. i um, need him. because he helps me through everything. =( i wish i wasn't so dependent on him. i need him for absolutly everything. i feel so stupid. but i l o v e h i m w i t h a l l m y h e a r t and i don't ever wanna lose him.. it came to close once, never again do i want it to become that close again.. never again.
in algebra i feel dumb. i guess we're doing "Problem Solving" now- man, i try so hard, and i just don't understand it. =( i don't know what to do.. ugh. we're having a test.. umm.. [hold on, let me look in my planner..] um, yeah thursday. -sighs- i am going to fail it. whatever; if i fail, i'll most likely just fail the whole year. but i don't even know if i care anymore.
i re-did my journal.
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2003 14 September :: 2.35pm
:: Mood: upset, depressed, worried, anti-social
:: Music: die trying - oxgyens gone
just leave me alone to die
the whole weeks been bad.. well, starting tuesday anyway. jim and i have just ben fighting non-stop all the time anymore. god, i don't even know what the fuck we're fighting over half the time, we just fight to fight.
so tuesday i had an anxiety attack, and god i've been seriously getting those more and more often.. and i don't know what to do about them because i don't want to tell anyone. i'm scared they'll take me to the doctor, and they'll want to.. i don't know, i'm just scared of them seeing my arm. i don't want to know what they'll do about it. they'd probably tell my mom or something. and thats the last thing that i need.. =/
wed. at lunch time jim and i got into this fight over something.. i guess he said that i was making fun of him, but i swear to god on my life that i didn't even mean to say anything bad. it just came out wrong i guess.. but i don't know, he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the lunch period, and he didn't walk with me to 6th period.. i was really upset. i hate when things like that happen. god, it makes me feel like shit. 8th period i couldn't hold it in anymore. i asked to go the restroom cause i was crying.. mrs. gurdish asked if i was okay, i just nodded my head.. i think i was in there for like 5 minutes, and when i finially came back in the class room, i was still crying a little bit, and i felt everyones eyes on me. i hate that. i guess they were all waiting for me to get out the bathroom. how dumb.
the rest of the week was just bad. then came the weekend. god, i don't even want to talk about the weekend. i had the worst weekend ever. jim and i fought, and all i did all weekend was cry, and cry and think about stupid shit. i swear i wanted to just sink into my pillow and just never have to face anything anymore. i didn't want to talk or see anyone.
but i did. i had to go to my uncles family reunion with him. i didn't want to let him down. i may be a little depressed, but i wouldn't let my aunt and uncle down. kelly and i went, and everyone rode horses but me. the one who loves horses, but i didn't ride. because i'm scared not of horses.. of something else. but i don't want to talk about it.
so i'm going to go to school with a HaPpY fAce! on, and lie some more. =) yay. i'm so glad!
i hope i don't wake up in the morning.
i love you jim.
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2003 10 September :: 7.02pm
:: Mood: i feel like singing
:: Music: a bunch of different stuff.
don't test me. not this year.
i made a community.. so everyone that reads my journal, please join. it'd mean a lot to me. just click HERE
i've been listening to this radio station, and all these old songs are on that i haven't heard in a couple years.. and i'm pretty happy about that, because i like these songs. damn. i miss this kinda shit.
:sings: [this is stuck in my head from earlier today]
you’re getting closer, to pushing me
off of life’s little edge
cause i’m a loser and sooner or later
you know i’ll be dead
you’re getting closer, you’re holding
the rope and i’m taking the fall
cause i’m a loser, i'm a loser
so you can tell that school started, because no one updates anymore.. =[ which makes me sad. but i guess i'll get over it like i do everything else.
i'm not sure about school anymore. to much work. i'd rather be doing something else, like sleeping. but yeah- i have to keep my grades up. because i want to. not because anyone else wants me to. i am doing it because i want to. =] because of me. me me me.
i'm doing good in my classes so far -shudders- oh well, i'm trying harder than last year, especially in algebra, and english.. only because i really am starting to like algebra, and english will only get harder, and i better start doing good now. dumb reasons, but hey-- they work.
i guess i don't really have that much homework, yeah i have more than last year, but you always have more homework the higher grade you get in, so.. no complaining from me.
i have to say- fuckin people better stop talking to jim! you stupid bitch. talk to him again, see what i do. =] thats all.
[my friends know who the hell i'm talking about.]
don't press my buttons this year. not this year, because i'm not taking anyones shit.
i was sitting on the bus, and this one nicole girl was talking really loud, and i was like "who the fuck is talking so loud?! they need to stfu, they're getting on my nerves." to kelly, and she was like "jena, everything gets on your nerves anymore." haha, yeah she's right. i hate people. =]
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2003 7 September :: 8.18pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: 504 boys - i can tell
: i'm not sure :
yes. i am listening to rap. no i don't like much of it. but a select few i like.
so i guess yesterday jim and i fought. i was upset. i cried. nothing else new. i always cry over stupid things. but whatever. i don't care anymore.
today jim came over. and rochelle was here also. sams party was today. i guess all her friends didn't come over, because they had "plans" [assholes] but allison was here. and we made the best of it. and i did have a good time.
it started around 2, we all went outside on the back porch deck. my mom made hotdogs, and we ate chips. sam gave us all a little gift bag, which had: a bracelet, necklace, hair things, gum, a big bouncy ball, pencil, and sunglasses in it. i love it. i stole everyones bracelet, because they were so cute, and i loved them. [i didn't really steal them, everyone gave me theres.] but anyway, after we ate jim came. i don't really know what time that was.. but whatever. we all went swimming. but no one actually stayed in the pool because i really think that it was only about 50 or so degres. it was freezing. [goes at gets noodles] but then we played a little game [something to do with cotton balls, i don't really remember.] but we made that fun to. it even had me laughing, which felt good.
rochelle jim and i played some nintendo, and then we all came in my room.. rochelle went on the computer, and jim and i cuddled on my bed. =] we didn't really do anything other than that.. jim and i fell asleep for about an hour, then we woke up, took rochelle home and then jim and i chilled.
he went home around 8:00 :'(
i miss him.
he needs to come back.
i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i don't want to act all happy and soicalize. ahh. i hate it anymore. i wish school was fuckin over already.
i want to go to homecoming.. :( but i'm not.
i better go read my english story, even though i can't really get into it, because it's so stupidly written, god. they need to get better stories already.
go to woohulyrics and get an account and then add me as a friend.
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2003 3 September :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: really upset.
:: Music: complete and utter silence.
i feel special.
d0ug1e06 (10:08:12 PM): hey jena
she ran away x (10:08:15 PM): hi
d0ug1e06 (10:08:17 PM): u looked nice today
she ran away x (10:08:24 PM): lol yeah.
d0ug1e06 (10:08:25 PM): i forgot to tell u
d0ug1e06 (10:08:30 PM): haha u did
she ran away x (10:08:34 PM): thanks, if youre being serious
she ran away x (10:09:09 PM): :-)
d0ug1e06 (10:10:10 PM): yeah i am being serious
she ran away x (10:10:57 PM): thanks.
that was just about the nicest thing anyones said to me in a long time. =] thanks david if you're reading this! you really made my day better.
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2003 2 September :: 4.01pm
school is dumb.
"dumb people are always blissfully
unaware of how dumb they really are."
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2003 1 September :: 9.04pm
:: Mood: thirsty
:: Music: limp bizkit - eat you alive
[after the party]
soo everyone started getting at my house around 2:00.. and it's like BOOM everyone started drinking. man it was crazyness.
i'd say by at least 4 everyone that was there was trashed. except for me, jim, rochelle, amy, and randi. we didn't drink anything. kelly and her friend came around 4 or so? i don't really know.. i wasn't paying any attention. but anyways, a little bit later kelly and rachel left, so it was just us 5 again.. i think it was around 7 o'clock or so when we all got so freakin tired of sitting in the house, playing video games, that we went and sat out on my front porch.. oh god. then "the drunk lady" came out. (*we named her that* - but her real name is Karen) oh god, so many freakin memories from her.. we were out there for a good 45 mintes, just crackin up. man was she trashed..
the drunk lady: "EVIL EVIL EVIL DEMONS!" -swings the plastic fish around and then violenty harrasses the palm tree-
the drunk lady talking to rochelle in her ear: "6 6 6" -messes up rochelles hair- "6 6 6!!!! DEMONS!!!!!!!"
amy: "so did you get hay?"
the drunk lady: "huh? i didnt hear you"
the drunk lady: "GET THE BALLS TO SAY IT AGAIN, YOU SAID IT ONCE, DO YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY IT AGAIN!? GET THE BALLS!! THE BALLS!"
-here we are falling off our chairs laughing our asses off.-
rochelle: "she said, DID YOU GET HAY"
the drunk lady: "not enough! nope let me tell ya, NOT ENOUGH!"
"GET SOME HAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN!" -the drunk lady
the drunk lady: "so are all of you single?"
randi: "no, not jena" -points to me-
me: "this is my boyfriend jim" -points to jim-
the drunk lady: "HOLD ON. so let me get this straight, she has a boyfriend and none of you girls do!? now back in MY DAY........ when i got some hay, ALL MY GIRLS GOT SOME HAY!!!!!!!" -looks at me- "why aren't you hookin this girls up with some hay?!"
"CUT THE LAWN" .. "i need some hay" -rochelle
oh my god. that was the funniest shit ever. it might sound weird when you just read it like this.. but jim, amy, randi, and rochelle know what it's about. damn.. good memories.
later that night we took a walk.. hmm. thats all i can say. =] but i did have cotton mouth really bad.
great night. man.. great night.
-x|x- jena.
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2003 31 August :: 1.41am
:: Mood: happy cause jims here
:: Music: just talking to jim.
[a survey thingy]
Have you ever...
1. Fallen for your best friend – no
2. Made out with JUST a friend – yes.
3. Been in love – yeah, i am right now.
4. Used someone – yes
5. Been used – many times.
6. Done something you regret – of course.
Last person...
1. You touched – jim
2. You talked to - jim
3. You hugged - jim
4. You instant messaged - nick
5. You yelled at – jim
6. You laughed with – jim
7. You had a crush on – jim.
8. Who broke your heart – don't want to talk about it.
Do you...
1. Color your hair – sure do, all the time.
2. Have tattoos - i wish..
3. Piercings - bellybutton, ears
4. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both – a boyfriend, jim.
5. Floss daily – ha ha ha.. no.
6. Own a webcam – yeah, but it's amys.
7. Ever get off the damn computer – not really. unless jim and i do something
8. Sprechen sie deutsche – i have to think about that one.. haha.
9. Habla espanol – no.
Have u/do u have...
1. Considered a life of crime – fuck yeah.
2. Considered being a hooker – yeah, 9th grade summer.. ahh i remember that.
3. Considered being a pimp – yeah right.
4. Split personalities - sometimes.
5. Panic – too much.
6. Anxiety - yes.. especially when i have to do something i don't want to do.
7. Depressed – 99.9% of the time, but don't tell anyone.
8. Suicidal – most of the time, but again, i don't talk about it.
9. Obsessed with hate - yes.. definitly.
10. If you could be anywhere, where would you be – dead.
11. What are you listening to – weezer
12. Can you do anything freakish with your body – no.
13. Chicken or fish – fish.
14. Do you have a favorite animal – no.
Current…
1. Clothes – black shirt, pink stripped shorts.
2. Mood – happy cause jims here, and sorta tired.
3. Taste – pizza and pop in my mouth.
4. Hair – black and in a ponytail
5. Annoyance – no one and nothing.
6. Smell – pizza.
7. Thing I ought to be doing – laying on the bed with jim ;)
8. Desktop Picture – a blinki that says "i kill myself to get back at you"
9. Favorite Group – i have a bunch.. can't just name one.
10. Book – nothing right now. though i should be reading something.
11. Worry – babies. lol
12. Crush – jim.<33
Favorite...
1. Drink – orange juice
2. Color(s) – black and green.
3. Shoes – i don't know again.
4. Candy – i don't know again.
5. TV Show – don't really watch tv.
6. Movie – moulin rouge
7. Dance – uh no.
Are you...
1. Understanding – i try..
2. Open-minded - definitly.
3. Insecure - every day of my life.
4. Interesting – whatever you think.
5. Hungry – all the time, but i try not to eat.
6. Friendly – most of the time, although i can be a total bitch.
7. Smart – not at all, if anything i'm seriously stupid.
8. Moody – very much.
9. Childish - yes
10. Independent – no.
11. Hard working – when i want to be.
12. Organized – sometimes.
13. Healthy – not really.
14. Emotionally Stable – haha no.
15. Shy – only around new people.
16. Difficult - yes
17. Attractive – fuck no.
18. Bored Easily - yes
19. Thirsty - yes.
20. Responsible – most of the time.
21. Sad – definitly.
22. Happy – only with jim.
23. Trusting – to much.
24. Talkative – with people that i know.
25. Unique – not really..
26. Needy – no.
Who do you want to...
1. Kill – yes.. not telling who. =]
2. Slap – no one
3. Look like – no one, anyone who looked like me would kill themselves.
4. Be like – i'm not sure.
5. Talk to offline - jim, kelly
On you...
1. Name – jena
2. Nicknames – jen, P
3. Hair color – right now: black
4. Eye Color - dark brown.
5. Siblings – two little sisters, one older brother.
6. How do you describe yourself – ugly, fat, stupid.
7. What's your sign – aquarius
8. Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend – yes, jim.
On friends...
1. Best Friend(s) – amy, rochelle, kelly.
2. Friend(s) you hang out with - don't know.. no one really.
3. Friend(s) you have the most fun with - don't know
4. Friend(s) you've dreamt about – don't know
5. Friend(s) you tell secrets to – all of them.
On preferences...
1. Chocolate milk or hot chocolate – hot chocolate
2. McDonalds or Burger King – ick.. neither if possible.
3. Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend – perfect friend. friendship turns into love.
4. Sweet or sour - sour
5. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper – dr. pepper.
6. Sappy/action/comedy/horror – horror.
7. Cats or dogs – dogs
8. Ocean or Pool – i hate swimming.
9. Cooler Ranch or Nacho Cheesier – COOLER RANCH. =]
10. Mud or Jello wrestling – uh neither.
11. With or without ice-cubes – only water with ice cubes, everything else.. ew.
12. Shine or rain – rain.
13. Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring - winter, fall.
14. Vanilla or Chocolate – strawberry.
15. Snowboarding or skiing – i dislike sports.
16. Cake or cookies - cookies
17. Cereal or toast – toast.
i was bored, so i felt like doing a survey thing.. ahh yes.
-x|x- jena.
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2003 30 August :: 1.31pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: a perfect circle - juidth
sooo, school sucks. and i went to the football game last night with kelly and jim.
kelly and i look so funny together (we were actually talking about this before we left to go.) because theres me in all black, black hair, dark brown eyes, and then theres kelly with bright white colthes on, light blonde/brownish hair and blue eyes. we just thought it was quite funny cause we are just really good friends (and cousins) but i don't care what people think anymore. and this time i actually mean that.
we got to the football game around 7:30 (cause we stopped at giant eagle, and we went to pick up jim.) we were walkin around for like 2 seconds, when aj came up and talked to us. she only stayed for a couple minutes, then she left. and we went and stood by the fence for a while. dunno, we talked to some people.. after awhile we went and sat on the hill and then jordan came to sit by us. he's pretty funny. haha we were all laughin. i don't know how long after that we went to sit by amy up by the band.. and then randi and nicole came over and talked to. we were only up there for like not even 10 minutes, and this lady came and told then they weren't allowed to talk to us.. so we left, and just messed around until the game was over. then we went back to get amy and walk her to her car. so we did. =) then we went back up with kelly and casey, and went to caseys house until our ride came.. which it never did. (kellys mom was supposed to come pick us up, but nooo.) kelly tried to call her like 50,000 times.. but i guess her mom wasn't home or something. i don't know. so we called my aunt loraine and uncle don.. and uncle don and jeff (kellys dad) came to pick us up. at like 11:20 they got there. kelly was staying over nikkies, i guess. so jim and i waited for them to come in the rain.. lmao. it was pretty fun though. we did get wet, but oh well.
all in all, it was a good night cause i got to spend it with my baby jim.
What's your usual [mood]?
i got this test off of my friend kathy.
-x|x- jena.
yesterday was 9 months for jim and i.
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2003 27 August :: 6.27pm
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: eve 6 - think twice
school
let's see.. first off, here is my schedual.. i would have posted this a lot earlier, except i lost my other one.. haha
1st pd. survey of science
2nd pd. health (mon. wed. fri.) gym (tue. thur.)
3rd pd. algebra 1 (blah nasty person!)
4th pd. advanced word processing
5th pd. u.s. history
lunch b
6th pd. child development 1
7th pd. global studies
8th pd. english 10
blah, shitty schedual. i have to practicly run up and down the stairs all day.. ahh. oh well. hopefully i get to see jim a lot in the halls. i do have global studies with kelly, so it's all good. :)
school sucks, and it's only the 1st day..
god, i hate people.
179 more to go
-x|x- jena.
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2003 26 August :: 2.42pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: jims playstaion game
soo, i guess my pictures don't show up?
-shoots them-
oh well. i guess i won't post anymore..
-sighs-
who cares.
SCHOOLS TOMORROW
just shoot me.
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2003 25 August :: 4.38pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: jims playstaion game
_@#!*&$!
ashley (kellys friend.) and kelly came over last night. ashely was stayin over kellys house, so they came over my house and chilled for a good couple hours. we just messed around on the computer, talkin, on the fone, playin the playstation and listening to some music. i think they walked over about 12-1? i don't really remember, but they left about 4-5. or somewhere around there, i don't know. ahhh.
my mom took jim and i to centry three. i got a new purse.. like i need anymore of those. but anyways, i got a new one, and some safety pins, and some little buttons. they're cute. but we only stayed there for about 30-45 minutes, because i only had 50$. ha. thats all i had left. o.0
thats all.
school starts on the 27th.. ahhh.
random picture of the day:
-x|x- jena.
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2003 24 August :: 1.01am
:: Mood: confused and feeling weird
:: Music: sugarcult - pretty girl
babies?!?!
so uh, i had this dream last night about fuckin babies. i woke up all confused and stuff. haha.
my dream:
i guess i got pregnant, and my mom kicked my out of the house or whatever. soo i was still in school, and so was jim. but jim got a good job and we got a little apartment and blah blah. i guess in school everyone was talking about how jim and i were screwed for the rest of our lives cause we were havin a kid. but we didn't really see it that way. so i had the baby, and it was a little girl. we bought her clothes, and everything she needs. and all i really remember about the dream before i woke up is that we were so happy. i don't think that i was ever that happy in my whole life. =]
so all day yesterday i was thinking about babies. i'm just kinda freaked out by it though, cause the more i think about it.. the more i want to have a baby =/ . whoa i'm weird. kelly and i went shopping, and i was all lookin at the baby clothes/toys. they're all so cute. i mean yeah i know i'm not ready for a baby.. but if it ever accidently happend, i'd be happy.
so anyway, jim didn't come over again today. godddd, i am so freakin mad! i mean, okayyy please don't tell me you are going to come over, and then not be able to! (i know it's not his fault because his ride didn't come.) but still it freakin upsets me. i mean jesus, school is starting in 3 damn days. it sucks. oh well.
i went shopping for some school clothes today. haha me and kelly shoplifted. (hahaha kelly) god, it was great. lets see.. i still have to get a couple more pair of pants, a new purse, some underware/bras/socks and some odds and ends. my moms dropping jim and i off at centry three today or maybe tomorrow, so i can get the rest of my shit. ahh i can't belive school is almost here! god, it makes me feel like shit. another year is gone.
in a happier note, on the 29th- it'll be 9 months for jim and i. aww, i can't believe it's been that long.. i love him more and more each day. =D even though we fight sometimes, it's okay. I love him.
random picture of the day:
-x|x- jena
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