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2004 22 April :: 11.46 pm
:: Mood: So FUCKING good!!
:: Music: can't hear...my ears are ringing
HEY! Just got back from the concert!! X-Fest was FUCKING AWSOME!! It was the best concert i have EVER been to! Twisted Method kicked it off, followed by Finger Eleven, then Smile Empty Soul, and the best fucking band there TRAPT, and Puddle of Mud was the closer. CAN WE SAY FUCKING AWSOME!!!!
It was sooo much fun! Julie and i were right up at the front, jumping up and down, screaming, banging our heads and going crazy!! It was the BEST! People were smoking out and we smelled like weed but hey its cool and we got beer spilled all over us...it was SOOO much fun!!! God! I want to bang the lead singer of TRAPT! He is sooo HOT!!....if only.....
I got a voice mail from sam that i just checked and turns out josh was there, but i didn't see him....which i have mixed motions about. Oh well i dont give a flying fuck!He can be off with his lazy-eyed bitch....hes not good enough for me! What a dumb fuck.
Anyway, I HAD THE BEST TIME IN MY LIFE!!! the only draw back was that they searched us and made julie and i take our cameras to the car. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKING PISSED I AM??? I HAVE NO CONCERT PICTURES!! I AM PISSED!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!
oh well....i had a blast!!!!
Later! ^_^
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2004 22 April :: 4.07 pm
:: Mood: depressed
I dont understand guys at all. That whole species is a complete mystery to me. Chris and sam are all touchy feely in fith and sixth period and if i go near him he spazes out and says "no touchy" and im getting the vibe of "eeww, go away, u disgust me."
The thing is, sam has a boyfriend and was telling me how she doesn't like it when he does these flirty things but she flirts back anyway. I dont get it! Im not going to admit that i like him nor tell that i don't. Honestly im just a little jealous since she gets all of her attention and im left out in the cold. Am i really that bad? They walk around the hall with their arms around eachothers waist and now hes wondering why i feel left out. He doesn't see that hes doing anything out of the ordinary. He wasn't like this before brad told him and sam that i liked him and sam keeps asking him if he likes me and its all very confusing and now hes all standoffish.
And people wonder why im depressed.
Honestlly people.
Guys are just problem causers who make u depressed one way or another.
Im leaving here at 5 to go to XFEST! im so excited. Jules and i are going so it will be a ton of fun! ok
later
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2004 20 April :: 10.43 pm
:: Mood: tired
Heres the new look for my journal....i like it and i dont care what you think! muha ha ha ha...ok whatever. Im going to bed and perhaps i'll write something of interest tomorrow.
Later.....
*Lisa*aka *swede* yeah ok thats enough
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2004 19 April :: 10.19 pm
:: Mood: awake
I can't sleep and it pisses me off!!
Whats the deal today you ask?? Nothing too thrilling i regret to report. Day started out normal enough for a monday i suppose. Little did i know when i woke up this morning that i would continually hurting myself through out the the day. Not to mention, spill sam's coffee all over her desk, the floor, my school bag, books, and myself. I smelled like half coffee half sour milk for the rest of the day....wonderful. I did have fun 6th period though...the gang proceeded to wander aimlessly through the halls....then ofcourse i was tormenting chris during every opportunity that presented its self. I dont know why i get a kick out of it but it seems to me he does as well.
I hope Jules is okay, she didn't seem too happy today, but then again shes a little on the sick side. I feel really bad about not talking to her as much in 5th. What happend? As soon as chris entered our little group, she has strayed away from us. i admit, it is partially my fault for being so um...can we say absorbed with chris?? does that even sound right?? oh well......Jules and i will have a blast at the concert.
Lately i've been having a hard time falling asleep. I dont know why either and to tell you the truth it is starting to piss me off.
I've been thinking alot lately and I really need to start working out again. I was doing great with my whole yogurt diet and walking with sam thing till we just lost track of everything. Everyday im going to be making my way over to the gym after work or after school and i was even contemplating getting up at 5am but i hardly get up at 6 so i doubt i will be thrilled when i roll out of bed in the morning with an hour less of sleep.
Lately i have been feeling so unaccomplished. i feel as if im doing nothing with my life and im just wasting away. Isn't this supposed to happen in your 40s?? Is there such thing as a teen mid-life crisis?
There has to be more to being 17, staying home, the computer, work, and school. Yeah yeah, weekends are ok but then again hardly bareable. There is nothing to do around here and everything requires money, which sucks. I want to be able and go out on school nights with my friends and hang out and do all that crazy stuff. But alas, all my friends' parents are strict and wouldn't hear of such blasphemy. Granted we wouldn't stay up all night being "hooligans" 8:30 ish is respectable right?? And as long as we have no school work all should be fine right?
I am soooo looking foward to next year. More freedom and no parents
(which can be good and bad).
Like i was saying....its repulsive, just sitting here, bored out of my mind with no real homework to do and endless space to stare into. Oh the joys of being 17. Who in their right mind wants to be young again?
I think i just need to be hugged. Haven't been hugged in a while. Its kind of depressing.
Sam gets all the attention when it comes to guys and i have to admit i do get a wee bit jealous but then of course i should be used to not getting attention. I should know better. Even chris for God's sake practically drools all over even in my failed attempts to distract him. But so they story goes.
Once again i have caught my self blabbing away into nothingness and find myself getting on the sleepy side.
Alas, my bed calls to me as my pillow sings a soft low tune of the sirens in ulyssys. Honestly, why do i think up these lame ass things??? Where do i get it from?? Well im going to go before i burry my self with all the lameness floating around.
Untill i am bored, fustrated, or depressed again.......later
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2004 18 April :: 2.51 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Vendetta Red
Hokay. Sam and i got in to a fight. I just didn't know about it untill Friday night that we had been mad at eachother starting 6th period. I was lik wtf when i got a voice mail her. Unbeknownst to me, Brad had gone up to the deans office where sam,chris, and santos were. He then proceeded to tell them that i hate sam and never want to talk to or see her again and that im jealous of how chris flirts with her along with other crap. Then sam was like WTF and went down stairs where mrs. kenndy pulled her into the office and asked if we were fighting and kept asking what was going on and stuff. So now along with everyone in the deans office, the front office knows too. While this is all happening im running passes. I have noo idea whats going on. After i was done i went back and i saw sam take her stuff and leave. i was like...umm okay??? I didn't think anything of it at all, figured she was going to talk to danielle for a while.
So, yesterday i tried to get ahold of her all day, to no avail. Finally she called me back and we put the puzzle pieces together and the picture was clear....BRAD this was all his doing!
i had chat with him. ooo its all true! HE thought sam would think it was a joke bc he said he was laughing the whole time. what an asshole. He caused this massive thing between us. It took a while to figure it all out.
Anyway...its all good now...except that everyone now thinks i have a thing for chris...good god! sry but i dunno if i want to think of him in that way.
i think im going to be evil and see how it all plays out though....see what he does, says, u know what i mean?? According to sam he didn't have any objections i think......mu h ha ha ha ha ha im sooo going to use this to my advantage.
Hokay, I saw "Ella Enchanted" yesterday with my sis. it is such a cute movie! i like it! before that we went to chillies. good stuff. Carina was like "we must have cheesecake!" and i said fine so we split a slice..mmmmgood.
omg im so bored.
I want to hang out with my friends but everyone is busy.
Heard through the grape vine that Josh's truck broke down. How fucking convienient.
I swear he is the root of all my misery. I dont see how im not good enough for him, or anyone else for that matter.
Life blows....
...what else is there to tell???
......nothing......
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2004 16 April :: 2.49 pm
i dont understand people.
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2004 12 April :: 6.20 pm
:: Mood: indifferent
Easter weekend is over. Can't say i had much fun at all. Thursday was nice though...went to barnes and nobel with my buddy. Other than that it blew...work and weird relatives. wonderful combo right?
Went to barnes and nobel again today. Its been rainy all day and it was a perfect excuse to go get a mocha latte and an expresso brownie. Yummie :)
Im so sick of people. I cant wait to get out of this place (highschool) and into the real world. Too much drama and its just so boring. People are so naiive. Id like to see them fall backwards when reality smacks them in the face, it would be mildly amusing.
Carina is being a dork. I wanted to see a movie or go get some stuff at target but no, she waits untill the last minute to do anything. idiot.
next week is x fest. ^_^
I dont have to work this week untill friday night...but thats only 3 hours so i'll be home by 10. Watch me have to get up at the crack of dawn to go back though. thats going to blow.
Id really like to hang out with my buddies more often but no one has time or money anymore...what happened to the good days where no one worked and ur parents paid for everything? i need to make some calls.
Id be nice to hang out with stang...Josh...hmmm. Im so fed up with him and his bs. But none the less i think we should all get together and hang out.
Sadly im looking foward to school tomorrow. As soon as wednesday comes along i will wish for the weekend and the whole vicious cycle will repeat its self.
I need a hug.
Bored now.
Later.....
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2004 10 April :: 4.01 pm
:: Mood: mellow
okay. Where shall i beginith? Yeah ok that was dumb who cares. Just got back from work which sucked ass. Like big harry monkey ass. Like that picture??? Last night i closed so i got home around 11:30 and this morning i opened so i left home at 7 this morning. Good God. Ah i hate work, lothe, dispise, with a burning passion. You get the picture.
I wanted to go to a concert last night but i had no one to go with. I would do anything to see the Lost Prophets in concert! They were playing at FGCU along with hoobastank and im a robot.OOOOO the sorrow! :*(
Im going to x fest. Floor seats. YES!
Alright. I haven't talked to Josh since prom night. Sure i could have imed him but why should I? I always do. He ims Sam....but not me. My philosophy you ask? Fuck him he can im me if he wants to talk, and if he doesn't ever want to talk to me again ( is it b/c jonelle is on the jealous side??) then fuck him b/c im leaving the damn country.
Okay, so maybe thats not exactly what i want.
If i had it my way, we would at least talk, hangout more than we do (which is never b/c "jonelle would get jealous"), and be all buddy buddy. BUT NO. Maybe he will grow up in the time that im gone and by then i'll be witha wonderfull person and i'll look sooo good and he'll think to himself "God i was a moron to let her get away from me!" Only in my dreams....i know i know....
BORED.
I think umm....yeah im not going to say anything. okay i need to find something constructive to do because im just overwhelmed with boredom over here.
Alright then...leave a comment any comment and it'll make my day. Kinda sad huh? oh well....later
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2004 4 April :: 3.22 pm
:: Mood: depressed
Prom was last night. It was fun i guess. Didn't dance with any guys which sucked but oh well, so goes my life. After prom, sam, josh, mark, julie and i went to denny's since thats the only place open late. Josh and tony met us there. Im still killing myself over josh. He made little comments, like, u look really good in that dress, and so on and so forth. I just dont get why he is flirtatious and makes these comments if he doesn't like me. we had a long talk online after denny's...sam was talking to him too and relaying the info to me. If im such a great person, and attractive and stuff...why won't he date me? It sounds like hes making up excuses to not have a girlfriend. I asked him about jonelle and he said they are not a couple and they just hang out. I asked him y we couldn't do that and his response was because jonelle would get pissed. fuck her i say. if a person wont let u hang out with certain ppl then they are not ur friend. is she jealous? hmmm.....sam told me that he liked/likes her but she totaly blew him off and if she did like him then she would be trying harder to get him. i just think she likes the attention he gives her.whatever. im just lost about this whole thing. he also said that he might want to back off a little since every time we all go out he hurts me and feels like a jerk. im glad he feels like a jerk because at least he knows hes being one...maybe not at the moment hes acting like a jerk....but afterwards. I see past ppls flaws......and i really like him still and it just makes me crazy that i can't have him. there is just something about him that rips my heart out and makes me miserable that hes not mine and im not his. i can't help it god knows ive tried. Im never like this. god im so stupid. i will be miserable for the rest of my life because no one wants me. my plan is to keep hanging out with him and try to change things around. i can do it..it just takes time...by the time i leave for sweden i hope to steal a kiss and i will.
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2004 24 March :: 10.38 pm
:: Mood: *sigh*
Just wanted to let the ppl who read my journal that what i write is just me trying to reason things out, reflect on things, vent...vent some more, and write what i feel at the moment i write it. Im not trying to offend any one and i dont mention names if i complain.....u know u have complained about ppl before....
these are just my thoughts and me trying to deal with stuff and try to be sane while being exposed to so much insantiy. remember, what i write in my journal is just me talking to my self trying to reason stuff out...i just go on and on and on about stupid stuff sometimes...thats just me trying to figure out what my feelings are...i cant work things out in my head i just have to reason with myself by writing it....i promise im not crazy ^_^
we all have our moments
sry to anyone who took anything i said the wrong way
much love YO
LaTeRz....
here are some cool thingys...Be EnTeRTaInEd go to these AwSoMe sites!
http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end.php
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/robotdance.html
http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/kittycat.php
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2004 23 March :: 2.36 pm
:: Mood: Pissed!
ARRRG!!
Ok....i hate my stupid dad! I dont know what his problem is! He is being an asshole for NO reason. I just got home, walked in my room and there was a huge pile of stuff in the middle of the floor. This used to be under my bed and on my desk and he decided to take everything and put it in the middle of my room....did i mention he turned over the trash can as well?? WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS DAMN PROBLEM?????? For the past week hes been such a fucking jerk to me! I have no idea what i did to deserve this! He said something about me not respecting him but i dont see how i dont respect him....and he expects me to be all happy and nice to him when he is being a fucking idiot?? YEAH RIGHT!! OMG I HATE HIM!! AHHHHHH!!!!
On a more happy note....today was not that bad. I had fun talking to sam, chris, and julie so all is good...oh i forgot bradLY ha ha ha what a dork.
Julie is going to X-fest with me...YAY! I couldn't go unless someone went with me so im all happy now! :)
Josh and Tony might hang out with us after prom......i really want him to go...Josh more than Tony. Had a real long talk with Josh the other day....it was great...i really like talking to him....alot. But at the same time i hate it b/c i just end up liking him....more....
Why is that? Does he have to be so.....great?? oh man oh man oh man. i can't help it and i'll shut up now :)
.....im suffering from snog withdrawl.....kissing deprivation....ever had that? Where u just need to kiss someone b/c u've been deprived for a while and u just...yeah ok so im a loser what else is new? I wonder if Josh will cure me? I doubt he would even if there was going to be nothing attached to it. oh well so goes life for the single. This blows! alright....im bored now and i think im going to leave and buy the tickets......
Later!
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2004 18 March :: 7.49 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: a mix....Fuel
ok so what was my last entry about?
eh whatever.
Yesterday i got in a car accident. Rear ended a minvan...but not really my fault but whatever. The damage isn't that bad, it can be fixed. Got a ticket for reckless driving...stupid cop...should have been careless but nooooo hes a dick head. dumb po po! I'll live and so will my parents. They weren't all mad or anything which is cool beans for me! :) I think its awsome b/c their philosophy is shit happens and they are just glad im ok so yay.
Josh is a nice guy...i think im begining to forgive him for being an asshole. I mean u can't hold a grudge for ever just b/c a guy can't see past one of ur flaws, right? I'd really like to hang out with him and his bro again. I think he is so great and funny and stuff but i dont know why he said what he said. I thought he was a little more mature than that. He expects me to be more mature.....i mean he thinks i am, but im just lost. Does this mean he respects me more or what? I can't figure this guy out. Im trying but to no avail. I really like talking to him though b/c hes not some dumb jock type guy who has nothing interesting to say. Hes a smart guy and yeah. I can talk to him and its great....i dont have to be someone im not or stop and explain what " schizophrenic paranoia" is. Not that i sit around and talk about that particular topic but hey its a point im trying to get across. I just want to know what his deal is....he is indecisive and clueless. I mean we rarely talk anymore...just now and then but whatever. Despite everything that has happend, i still wanna hang with him b/c # 1....im stupid....and #2 i think hes cooler than beans...but and idiot who is cooler than beans. I think he just needs to figure himself out. i hope he reads this and hopefully will understand where i am comming from and still talks to me......
ok... so anyway, back to the other topic....I just can't talk to some ppl b/c their vocab isn't on the same level as mine and i feel like i have to act less smart around them. Ok i know that sounds really horrible but think about it.I always tend to be the logical/reasonable one in the group. one of my friends, who is a year older than me(almost 19) writes me notes in school and can't spell half of the things right. I mean come on ppl! Not to be mean or anything but i swear my IQ drops a few points when i hang with her for a long period of time. I swear i should be brunette and most of my friends should be blonde...i just got screwed over with the whole being Swedish and having blonde hair. I think its a sick joke.....oh well....
g2g later....care to leave a comment by poking the monkey??
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2004 11 March :: 3.30 pm
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: the radio in my head once again......
Yeah I'm bored. I want to talk to Ian but im too chicken to call him. Sam thinks im stupid. I think shes umm....special.
Found out something interesting about Josh......oh how he likes to play with ones' emotions.
Jerk.
I might call Ian tonight....hes way nicer than Josh.
Later......
....and suddenly im painfully bored
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2004 9 March :: 1.51 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Only the music in my head...ha ha ha ha ha ha
Wow i have to rewrite this stupid entry b/c i somehow deleted the whole thing before i got to update it!!!! Oh my life always works out like this! ok...i'll start from the top...AGAIN
I went to the AFI concet on march 4th. It was so cool! Coheed and Cambria and Thursday opend for them. Coheed wasn't anything special i think but Thursday was kick ass. I was there with sam and josh and we were all having a blast! well....that is untill AFI came on. As soon as they got on stage and played the first cord of i can't remember what song the crowd rushed the stage and the three of us go caught in it. I was seperated from them and was like "oh shit" for a couple of minutes untill i felt someone grab me out of nowhere and pull me to the front. OMG josh is strong. It was crazy to say the least. As soon as i got up there, sam had an attack. Josh pushed our way out from the front with all his strength and then we go stuck in a mosh pit. It was like he was possesed or something...he went crazy! i mean this guy was on a mission. He carried sam through the pit and managed to get me out of there too. We got to the medics at the penalty box thingy and he, sam, and a medic, jumped the railing and bolted. I was like shit.....i was to short to get over it! One of the other medics brought me out to the lobby but i had no idea where they went. I was scared...yeah so i went back out to the floor after standing around looking for them for like 15 min to go find her sis who was there. By sheer luck i found her and her friend. We asked around and found a first aid room where we found sam and josh. She was on oxygen and shaking, the medics on the phone with the parents. it was crazy. After like 10 sam and josh said to go back to the concert b/c i shouldn't miss it but i felt bad about leaving them... they said it was fine and they would meet me after. I got back out to the floor but stayed in the back b/c i didn't want to die in the crowd...im short...i would have been pummled. but i enjoyed it even though i was kinda pissed about missing 45 min of the concert and then having to be in the back. oh well, i got some good pics...thank God for zoom lenses.
ok ok i need to go pick up the sis at school....oh she pisses me off....she thinks she'll die if she rides the bus. such a CHICKEN!! oh well. I'll write later when i get home...at the moment im at VIP where my mom works but there is no sign of Ian. can't ask for everything right? ok....
LATER....:)
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2004 7 March :: 6.12 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Lost Prophets
ok ok......Josh is out of the picture now. He likes this girl named Jonelle and she is a big problem for everyone. Sam's Josh has a history with her kinda and Sam doesn't like her and when we all went over to Stang's house he didn't say anything to anyone really. Instead he and Jonelle couldn't keep their hands off eachother. Oh that didn't make any one uncomfortable. God hes such a jerk. And there is only one reason why he doesn't like me. God he is so shallow. He wasn't worth the tears i shed. I barely talk to him anymore...well its the other way around but whatever. Yeah there is still something there on my part i think but hes not worth my time....arg!
So today Sam, Josh, and this new guy that works with sam, Ian and I went bowling. It was fun but i suck at bowling....i had fun though. Ian is a nice guy. He is in a band which is oh so cool and has the whole "rocker" look which is so hot. I think hes hot but im not going to go down that road. My attitude is, if it happens it happens...well thats what im telling my self. oh well....so far i've made a new friend which is a plus.
Wow...im listening to the Lost Prophets CD for the first time. They are really good! I like em and you should buy the CD! lol Demanding aren't I? oh well not like anyone reads my journal anyway. la la la good stuff.
LATER...
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