rina
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2006 21 September :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: cue the pulse to begin - burnside project
i can hear all the whispers that have lived a thousand years
when you are sick, you are timeless, and it is both incredibly freeing and severely jarring. this past week has felt epic and miniscule, as if someone has been unweaving the threads of time and then stitching them back together out of sequence.
i am concerned with my lack of motivation towards anything having to do with academia and i keep insisting that its this illness still trapped within my body. and although aching ears and blocked nasal passages and rasping throats may cause sluggishness, i doubt i've been so extremely indifferent since sometime around april.
it is increasingly odd, too, since i finally have a clear idea of what i will be doing with my future and still i refuse to accomplish anything that will hasten me towards any goals.
words have also changed their shape, and sometimes my mouth feels uncomfortable straining over their strange angles as they leave me in a rush of breath.
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rina
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2006 17 September :: 9.56pm
two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year
i hate you, sometimes.
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rina
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2006 16 September :: 3.24pm
:: Mood: surprised
:: Music: curuncula - psapp
we have only ourselves to blame
for the past few days i have either been experiencing some powerful deja vu, or everyone has gotten incredibly predictable.
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rina
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2006 13 September :: 6.40pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: wish you were here - rasputina
running over the same old ground
she called us historians once, and i could almost hear myself swelling in pride.
and yesterday while writing an in-class essay on macbeth, i thought the ending result would be terrible because although i love literature, analyzing shakespeare is a different experience all together.
i got an a, however, while the rest of my classmates got d's.
and then i felt selfish and disgusting thinking that i was any good at writing, because the amount of shit i got about it was unbelievable.
i've gained some of my confidence back, though, and i'm going to try and hold onto it the best i can. i have to finish reading the mayor of casterbridge in two days, so i'm going to sit and make myself get through a few chapters tonight.
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rina
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2006 1 September :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: drained
not
i am not here, you think. this is not happening.
hospitals are a shitty way to die, you think, and now the smell of formaldehyde is soaking into your clothes so as not to let you forget, and when you look around everything is busy and everything is motionless.
the only thing you can even reason with at the moment is that the walls are too white, too clinical, and you think they should've added a window or wallpaper or something to just cover up the fucking bleak feeling that's seeping through. and that's when you remember that white means death in eastern cultures, and you wish the synapses in your head would stop popping and sparking, because you really think this is the wrong fucking time for trivia.
the chair you're sitting in is made out of the most uncomfortable carpet-like material you've never had the chance to experience and you think its just another way to be distracted from the real issue.
and the real issue is--
no, you think. i am not here, and this is not happening.
you think you remember a story you heard once when you were young, when your mother fed you tales about magic frogs and kisses of life and happy endings, and your fingers are itching to smash something. they all had morals, you think, and the thought causes your stomach to seize up with red-hot rage.
they were all fucking dreams and you feel like hitting the rewind on your life so you can tell your stupid, idealistic, five-year-old self that no, real life is not ponies and castles and cotton candy. real life is--
you still want to smash something.
there's a storm brewing on the edge of your consciousness now, and you're sure if you continue to reject the current reality of the situation --
i am not here. this is not happening. this is not not not not happening.
its a mantra and you've got it fucking down pat. this, you think, is not. happening.
the doctor slips through the door and then shuts it gently, his eyes are staring resolutely forward and you think you can see his chin lift as if he's about to do something he rather wouldn't do. he pseudo-skims a clipboard in his hands and you think he's trying to readjust the look on his face so it will instead become an impenetrable mask of medicine. this is not fucking happening.
his mouth opens and god god god not not not---
"they're going to make it," and oh.
it is.
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rina
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2006 27 August :: 5.19pm
:: Mood: helpless
i am empty.
this is some sort of catharsis, and i am sick of it. i feel emotionally stunted. i keep drinking water to try and fill the void, but it runs deeper than i originally thought and only succeeds in making me nauseous.
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rina
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2006 21 August :: 12.34am
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: on the radio - regina spektor
this is how it works:
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you try until you can't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath
no, this is how it works:
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some
someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again
- regina spektor
i honestly couldn't have said it better myself.
i hope everyone is doing well these days.
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rina
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2006 8 August :: 7.17pm
:: Mood: surreal
:: Music: seven days - azure ray
and the nights just blend into the morning
i am in love with the late afternoons of august.
they are warm and golden and lovely.
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rina
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2006 2 August :: 6.15am
:: Mood: productive
:: Music: life in mono - mono
drowning past regrets in tea and cigarettes
i'm so fucking exhausted.
i've been working on a revamp of my website all night. its lightyears better in quality than my last layout, considering i started it when i was a freshman or sophomore.
so, here's a sneak peak.
i'm just... fuck.
sometimes i freaking hate coding, but after all the work i put into photoshop, this thing is going to be a breeze.
there's school in a week, and i couldn't be any less prepared if i tried.
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rina
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2006 13 June :: 11.06pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: why don't you do right? - rasputina
how could we know change was constant?
hesitations.
a fraction of how we used to be
is slipping into future conversations
slowly sabotaging our tongues into
forming half-meant words and
unknown emotions
and how are we fighting?
indifference and the smallest hint
of lacking any passion.
so this is how it will end,
in age-old arguments
and misinterpretations.
when we glimpsed our end
from the very very beginning,
who knew it would be so close?
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rina
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2006 12 June :: 1.49pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: hello resolven - beulah
kill of the king, kill off the queen. its over, its over, its over.
i love when your normal everyday friend becomes your must-tell-everything-to friend.
when you find some common, amazing interest that allows phone calls to end in bellows of laughter, and e-mails to be typed in all caps.
and you know without a doubt, that if you tell this person something,
they will not judge or ridicule you. they will keep what you say, and will cheer you up infinitely with the silliest words.
i'm so glad to have met you.
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rina
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2006 8 June :: 1.55am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: gavottes i & ii - hagi, feat. furukawa nobuo
and the seasons went rolling into summer
i feel like there's this endless amount of hours i keep filling up with nothing. i'm already sick of the summer work for next year and i'm aching to get out of this place.
a few days ago i had this incredibly vivid dream where one of my bottom teeth cracked and fell apart. i put the pieces in my hand and was distressed about it. when i went to show my mother my misfortune, she replied that there wasn't really anything she could do about it, and that i should've gone to the dentist straight away.
i was clearly upset with her reasoning and began arguing over ridiculous things, most of them i have a hard time remembering.
it was really frustrating, the entire dream, and when i woke up i was left with this kind of festering anger, like when you fight with someone right before you go to sleep.
except in the middle of the day, after i woke up, i was eating cereal and realized that i did in fact have all of my teeth.
the thought of missing my tooth just carried over into my actual life and i just kind of.. accepted it.
i'm having a hard time sleeping, again, which is entirely aggravating since i'm not under huge amounts of stress at all. i wake up, read a bit, do some photoshop, and clean up around the house.
also, congratulations planet! you survived 6-6-06.
i didn't think anything would happen, but apparently a lot of people thought satan was going to eat their children.
good lord.
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rina
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2006 21 May :: 10.47am
:: Mood: content
so,
yesterday was one of the best birthdays that i have ever had.
2 comment |
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rina
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2006 14 May :: 10.27pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: dawn - p&p
h-h-h-heartattack!
i don't think i will ever be content with what i do.
i was painting today,
and i was cursing my hands.
everytime i create something, i have this innate ability to make myself think its absolutely hideous.
ie: my latest painting. (this is a much larger version.)
i think its, well,
awful. on many kinds of levels.
its 9x12 and oil. and hideous.
the only thing i like doing anymore is writing, and i'm not even good at it.
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