:: 2005 21 March :: 12.16 pm

i should probably stop wishing for stuff though and just take what comes my way. i can handle it im sure, even if i dont want to. side note , econ sucks

2 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 21 March :: 11.20 am

so freaking tired. i was up on the phone all night. and i could barely pull out of bed this morning. i wish i was okay with the whole thing. i wish i was a better girlfriend than I am. I wish that i was secure knowing that he only loves me but that is really unrealistic, if you care about someone as much as he seemed to care about her then those feelings dont just go away. hence the trepidation and me wanting him to just get it over with. it weighs on my mind heavily. thank god for matt who I dont feel bad calling in the middle of the night.

3 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 18 March :: 11.22 am

so after lunch. my head hurts so bad. you know how it kind of pounds after you cry really hard. well, mine always kill after ive been crying. today is the worst day ive had in awhile. worse than all of the softball bullshit. even. its so crazy. i cant remember the last time i felt so shitty about something. im really glad he called though because at least now i only feel hurt, as opposed to hurt and felt like someone was mad at me. but either way i guess maybe you dont know me as well as you thought. i know how you feel about that, why would i jeopardize everything that we have? this one is going to take some getting over. god my head is pounding at least practice isnt until 7 o'clock tonight. except i just want to sleep.

2 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 17 March :: 5.49 pm

HEy heY hey HEY.
everyone list my pros and cons too!!! for self improvement and insecurities.

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:: 2005 17 March :: 7.33 am

wheres the teacher. and thank god for charlie thats about it.
oh and I love pj

2 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 16 March :: 11.33 am

so my body just aches and its not a good ache anymore unless good is the equivalent of horrid and can barely walk. i do not want to go to softball tonight. well i dont want to do lunges. gah. i cant wait to see pj though. i would like to go to the student staff basketball game and I am hoping that he will go with me. im also supposed to tan tonight but i think i can do that tomorrow and then again on saturday before work. last night i tried playing first again. it was fun only i was trying to prove myself you know because well ill just feel better about the whole thing if I think that i am given a chance but of course he paid no attention to me only watched alice and every throw to alice was perfect while the ones that came to me were always at my feet and to the right side. they were crap throws frankly said. i guess maybe i will just have to hang out in the outfield with mary but what can you do. i want to play and im all set for the season i just cant imagine another year as miserable as last. i feel so outside of my team like i just dont belong. that 1st base thing had me feeling really isolated. honestly i just didnt care anymore after that. then jasmin and jessica and I talk about lots of softball stuff and jessica says she wont make the team because reed dosent like her and unfortunately i believe that she is right. I like her. I like Jasmin. I like kara, larissa and sarah too but around jessica, trisha, and jasmin I can be myself and i dont feel stupid and out of place. with everyone else I do. maybe thats why i dont like my team so much. whose to say really. once again though the main issue is that even after the second day of practice im already frustrated because here I am busting ass to prove myself against alice, who i started in front of at first for three year, and nothing is being accomplished. like no one cares what i want at all or if Im happy or anything at all. I could not be there and it wouldnt matter . the team would be exactly the same only there wouldnt be smart ass comments all the time. its funny cuz as much as I feel not part of the team I wont give it up because i just love it that much.
its crazy because i listen to joslyn talk about how she envies my family, which i find flattering, at the same time I envy people whose parents have roots here, who get to achieve their goals because of their last name. and honestly it makes me cry. If I thought that alice was better than me I could accept that. if kim were ahead of me at first that would be okay because she IS better than I am at that position, but I didnt start in front of Alice for three years because she was better than me. Im sorry that i complain so much but its so frustrating and humiliating, and it hurts so much. when im a coach I will NEVER do that. I will never make my players feel like shit, but since it isnt just the coach then I cant feel angry towards him can I? I like mr.reed I really do but at this point the anguish of the whole situation is just eating me alive. god. i have to stop. now. thanks for listening although im sure it was just skimmed and no one really cares. thanks loves

1 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 15 March :: 11.26 am

so three days left in the semester, 2 passes to blow so i strut into class like 3 minutes late, theres a sub, damn it. late again tomorrow I suppose. outside of that my body is totally eating the weight of the softball, i can barely move, its so beautiful. and its only been one night. i feel the pain that will be here for months. i like it right now. well just see how that goes. i finished my research paper. died into bed at aout 11 tried to earlier but couldnt sleep called pj who was already in bed Im assuming cuz his phone was off and clicked off the tv and was out. somehow i got out of bed on time this morning, on my own. well test time

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:: 2005 14 March :: 2.08 pm

Stupid Quiz
Firsts:
1. First best friend: sarah

2. First car: Cougar

3. First real kiss: Mitch

4. First self purchased album: Blink 182- Enema of the State

5. First funeral: Grandfathers

6. First pet: Jaque

7. First piercing/tattoos: ears
8. First Credit Card: Fuck That Plastic Money Shit

9. First big trip: Michigan from California

10. First music you remember hearing in your house: Starship/Dolly Parton

LASTS:
1. Last cigarette: Awhile ago
2. Last car ride: to school

4. Last good cry: a couple of weeks ago

5. Last library book checked out: Stranger that Fiction-Chuck Palaniuk
6. Last movie seen in theatres: Friday Night Lights

8. Last food consumed: trail mix

9. Last crush: pj

10. Last phone call: joslyn

11. Last time showered: this morning

12. Last shoes worn: new balance crossers

13. Last item bought: a cheeseburger

15. Last time wanting to die: saturday.

16. Last time scolded: idk

17. Who are your best friends: joslyn, pj, matty
18. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: yes

19. Last person you talked to: hot office aid, matt

SPECIFICS:
1. Do you do drugs: No

2. What kind of shampoo do you use: paul mitchell tea tree bullshit

3. What are you most scared of: losing someone i love

4. Where do you want to get married: in a church

5. What are you listening to right now: The kIilller6.
How many buddies are online: idk

7. What would you change about yourself: My Weight, and my attitude
FAVORITES:
1. Colors: Green

2. Foods: cheeseburgers

3. Girl names: Austin, Delanie, Madison

4. Boys names: Rory, Andrew, Luke

5. Subject in school: Art

6. Sports: Softball

7. Perfume: Lila, from Pacsun

8. Cologne: tilt

HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Given anyone a bath: yes

2. Smoked: yes

3. Bungee jumped: no

5. Skinny dipped: yes

6. Been in love: i sure hope so

7. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yes

10. Cried when someone died?: yes

11. Lied: yes

12. Fallen for your best friend: yes

13. Been rejected: yes

14. Rejected someone: yes

15. Used someone: yes

16. Done something you regret: DUH!

CURRENT:
1. Clothes: Jeans, softball sweatshirt, HIM tshirt

2. Music: The Killers

3. Make-up: foundation

4. Annoyance: rumbling stomache

5. Smell: none

6. Favorite artist: The Killers

7. Desktop picture: Pug Dog
8. Book you're reading: Julie Andres, A Life on Screen and Stage
9. Cd in player: The Killers, Billy Joel

ARE YOU:
1. Understanding: All the time

2. Open-minded: Totally

3. Arrogant: sometimes

4. Insecure: About certain things

5. Interesting: I like to think so

6. Hungry: always

7. Smart: so im told

8. Moody: yes

9. Hardworking: sometimes

10. Organized: no

11. Healthy: not really

12. Shy: sometimes

13. Attractive: FUCK YEAH!!!

14. Bored easily: yes

15. Responsible: no

16. Obsessed: no

17. Angry: yes

18. Sad: yes

19. Disappointed: yes

20. Happy: sometimes

21. Hyper: no

22. Trusting: yes

23. Talkative: depends on who im talking to

these things are so stupid

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:: 2005 14 March :: 12.16 pm

I remember the day when I enjoyed econ. until I always made an ass out of myself in front of the class. I DONT KNOW THE ANSWER SIR SO DONT CALL ON ME AND DONT THROW YOUR PEN AT ME EITHER DICK

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:: 2005 13 March :: 12.56 pm

so ive got 3 pages front and back written and im just now arriving at My Fair Lady on Broadway. Throw in Throat problems, Mary Poppins, and the Sound of Music, not to mention kids, marriage and a book series. Ill never get it done in time. ive got some seriosu ass bustin but alas. ive got to work soon enough. im going to try to make it through to the sound of music today. that puts me right where I need to be but i want to clean and shower and stuff. not write anymore. blah research paper and stupid lizzy procrastinator . ahhh. I could really go for some mcdees right now.well off to be with Dame Julie Andrews. loves

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:: 2005 11 March :: 11.25 am

speaking of shockers. I am in econ. but anyway. Im super tired, and feeling pretty skanky, i didnt get up in time to take a shower so that sucks. todya i got up at 6:57 which probably my late record. somehow got out the door at 7:03. amazing. last night was pretty okay. i can think of some ways it could have been better but that remains to be life. tuesday night rocked though. I just want to go sleep. im going to go home. go tanning. go sleep and research paper all weekend. only I have to work both nights but outside of that research paper it up. its due on tuesday so If I finish this weekend I can revise and type on monday night after softball. Im really excited that the season is finally here. yay. if I wasnt tired before I will be now but I accept that tiredness. Im getting senioritis so bad says dufty. I was going to skip 3rd and 4th hour but i cant really afford the detention during the season so that means I will no longer be skipping at all. only a couple of months left though superbomb. I cant wait for prom though. thats about all Ive got. I love you pj french.

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:: 2005 10 March :: 11.23 am

the crazy thing is that I know i posted last night, yet the post is gone. hhmm. what happened there i dont really know. I could not remember that I posted but pj was reading the post while i talked to him. effing weird. well its 4th hour again. econ is so incredibely boring. I am tired regardless. there was a pop quiz in brit lit and i got all of the questions wrong, because I didnt read the chapters. god its almost time for high school to be done Yayah

2 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 8 March :: 2.15 pm

blah. school almost over. kick the air. BOMB

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:: 2005 8 March :: 11.24 am

blah blah blah. thats exactly how I feel. softball please hurry, week be over. Lizzy do your research paper. you turd. high school hurry up and be done. pj hurry and get to me. before i do something ill regret, and youll be angry about. what happened to swing sets and not caring if you were fat or thin. what happened to play the game for fun and dont keep track of the score. what happened to getting credit for trying. when did jeff gilson get ahead in the game. so many questions some answerable most not. econ sucks. gorter is annoying. i want to go home. i want a checkbook and to be tan and for prom to arrive. i also want to lose 2 pants sizes so I can fit into my own clothes. when will the doctor tell me whats wrong with me and when will gas go down. suck deal to the major

3 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 7 March :: 1.38 pm

gas is supposed to raise to 2.40 if that happens. or it hits like 2.70 then i am selling the cougar. just cant afford it. gall dang

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