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please don't break me...

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xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2007 15 March :: 11.20pm

to coalesce,
then completely fall apart.


i still love him.
it is no longer mutual though.


i'm wondering when it will start to hurt less.

I think im broken


angel_bob

:: 2007 15 March :: 3.56pm

I hope your meeting goes well today, Katie!

1 broke me | I think im broken


mudpiegrl

:: 2007 15 March :: 12.10am
:: Mood: angryannoyedbusyconfuseddepresseddistressedexhaust
:: Music: edjealousmelancholyrestlessrushedscaredshockedsleepystressed

JustEverything
You know that famous scene of I Love Lucy where she's working the chocolate factory and everything's going okay, but it quickly gets out of hand and the women start to do everything they can to get rid of the chocolates they can't wrap?

That's pretty much how I feel. Like everything's going alright, but it's going too fast for me to handle and I don't know how to take it. Everyday it seems like there's something new that needs a deep breath, but I just try to keep taking it.

Like my speech: Easy and slow does it...I get through most of it. I realise I've messed up. I start thinking. How can I fix it? They won't know why he's said that. Just continue. Oh, gosh, where was I? Keep talking. You know what you're saying. I can't breathe. Talk. Can't breathe. Words. ::Gasp:: Line. ::Gasp:: "Omg, I'msosorry, I'mkindahavingapanicattack." ::sob:: ::run::

It's like that. I want to dunk my head underwater and study the sandy bottom of a pool. Or sit on a wall, feel the wind, read all day, and forget everything else. Or go home and take a long, hot bath and watch a movie before going to bed.

I can't though.

No time. Luckily, Patrice and I are getting along which makes life so much easier. Because she and Ryan talk to me and make living here and being frantic bareable. And they're fun when we actually get to hang out. I just missing having more time to do it.

Mushroom came today. We hadn't talked since winter break. Then yesterday, he texted me, pretty insistant that we get together. Which is weird. He wondered why I didn't call him to tell him stuff. But why would I call someone who's mad at me? And suddenly, because of my family issues, all friend issues with him are forgiven, healed, and sealed? I questioned him on it, and though it doesn't make any sense, that's definatly what he said. It's unnerving and I don't agree with it. It's like in movies when the popular, dreamy guy asks out the nerdalicious chick, there's always a bet or a catch of some sort.

Then there's Kristen with whom I am also having issues. I just feel rejected. And I understand that she's still in high school. But that means it's going to be worse when she moves away to Indiana. I just hate the fact that I feel like I have three family members (Patrice, Ryan, Tyler), a boyfriend and one friend. Other than my mum and dad, she's the only reason I go home and the only reason I actually spend any amount of time there. We have all the same shit and better in Chicago. So it's actually her I want to see, not VH.

Bill's good though. He's a positive in my life, mostly. He's such a sweetheart. He really cares for me. Which is also mostly good. Because I know I dont feel exactly the same. I definatly care for him, but not the way he does for me. He's fantastic to whine to, but that's all I do, as far as I can tell. I think that's annoying though, but he's not much of a conversationalist. I don't know. It's nice to have a companion, but I almost feel that he's not exactly going to be the right kind. Right now, like I said, it's nice to have a companion like that, someone that'll hold me and stuff. It's comfortable, which is a horrible reason to have a boyfriend and most of the reason I didn't want one. It's all very selfish reasons, not simply because I like the guy.

I like my job, too. The new one. I still have to quit the chocolate place. I'm going in tomorrow to quit and try to get the shift for tomorrow covered. Wish me luck. I don't know what to say.

I'm trying to pick a mood with which to head this. It's tough. I'll just type a bunch because there are so many things that I'm feeling.

I think im broken


angel_bob

:: 2007 12 March :: 1.12pm

So my parents are for sure not going to come visit because of some stupid government passport thing. Which means when everyone's parents come to visit the first week of April, Rachel is going to be depressed and alone. In Perpignan, capital of NOTHING TO DO.

We found peanut butter, cherry coke, vanilla coke and taco kits at one store on Saturday. It was a good day.

I got my course schedule in the mail and just emailed the advisors with my class schedule. It is exciting!

Today is Nick and my anniversary so I am sad. He also starts his new job today so wish him luck.

I hope everyone and their lack of wisdom teeth are doing fine. Love love.

2 broke me | I think im broken


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2007 8 March :: 11.30pm

i've lost my glow.
my eyes are dull and lifeless.

i am dead,
in spirit.

I think im broken


angel_bob

:: 2007 28 February :: 10.34pm

94 days. I can do this.




I just want Nick.

3 broke me | I think im broken


angel_bob

:: 2007 28 February :: 8.47am

Hey.

People were right, after three weeks, this thing is so easy. I still want to go home sometimes but it doesn't hurt as much.

Today is a good day. Nick got a job, my 8 o'clock class was cancelled and my 11 o'clock might be cancelled too. I am tired but happy.

I think I can do this. Only three more months.

I think im broken


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2007 25 February :: 5.47pm

i guess this is closure.

he has no romantic feelings for me anymore.
and has no interest in picking our relationship back up.


the past 3 months of my life have been a lie.

i want to be happy again.

I think im broken


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2007 22 February :: 8.57pm

i can't even trust my best friend anymore.

I think im broken


angel_bob

:: 2007 22 February :: 12.40pm

Amsterdam was awesome. I want to live there or at tleast go back.

London is alright. It has a different vibe than the rest of Europe. I don't know.

Getting re-used to the keyboard is a pain.

Nick I am online and you aren't. Oh but I just realised that it is almost 8 there. ha ha that is why.

Stupid time difference.

Anyway, having fun, going to a musical tonight.

I love you.

I think im broken


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2007 20 February :: 10.10pm

"i love you,
i just can't act upon my feelings."


that is not love.
don't ever fucking say you love me.
ever again.
unless you mean it.


and so with you.
je suis fini.

I think im broken


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2007 18 February :: 1.33am

all i want is for you to talk to me.

about anything.

I think im broken


xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2007 15 February :: 2.15am

i haven't had a good day in weeks.

and you don't understand,
how easily you could have made it one.

I think im broken


angel_bob

:: 2007 15 February :: 11.02am

My parents are adorable.

I talked to my mom and dad yesterday. I mentioned to them both that I am usually on msn messenger after dinner so my mom got a hotmail account and had my sister teach her how to use it.

AND THEN my mom offered to buy Nick Vonage so he could call me.

AND THEN my dad said that after he goes to China and everything, he'll stop by and see me. Like Europe is down the street from Taiwan.

I love them.

2 broke me | I think im broken


angel_bob

:: 2007 14 February :: 9.05pm

I am pretty sure France is trying to kill me.

So far,

I have almost gotten hit by billions of cars (that is sort of my fault as I pull the European and just walk out in the middle of traffic).

I fell down on the bus and now have massive zombie rot on my leg/thigh (so massive that I cannot lay on that side of my body).

I just almost fell out of the 24 yr old's bedroom window (He left his shutters open when he left and it is really windy so I went to shut them. I grabbed one and I sort of left it there and went to stuggle with the other shutter which the wind had an excellent hold of. In my stuggle, I leaned out to get better leverage on the left shutter and the right one swung around and hit me in the arm. Another bruise.)



Maybe the right side of my body is just not meshing well with France.


Anyway, I love you.

2 broke me | I think im broken

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