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2004 28 October :: 9.08am
I bet people in our school read my woohu, read other people's woohu's and sit and laugh, think to themselves that I'm the biggest idiot in the world, that I complain constantly, that i have no life worth anything, that i am far too pathetic to even handle my own problems w/out venting to other people about them, and they probably just sit there and hold their head up high thinking they are so much better than me, than all of us sitting here complaining on an online journal. They probably think their a step ahead because they can surpass our expections going long periods of time w/out telling anyone their problems, or that you whoever you are wouldn't tell the world your problems, that you have your life in order and that you are and will continue to be better than me, better than us pathetic woohu people, well all i have to say is fuck you! An online journal is only a bad idea if you're continuelly bashing everyone, and that's only bad if you really care if they get mad or not, most people don't. Chances are myself, that if I write about you on here, then I really couldn't care less if you read it or not. This IS a journal, and it helps me get my rage and craziness out, so if you dont like it, or in some delutional way think that makes you better than I, you can kiss my ass.
I feel like everyone is honestly in their own worlds. I know I am. So many people just aren't happy. With themselves, with their friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, parents, school, sports, I know I'm not. I hate life more than I like it most of the time.
Everyone is just ughhhhhhhhhhh making me so mad. And I know I KNOWWWWWWW it's my fault. I just don't have tolerance. When I need a friend, I need a friend. I'm there for mine.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what was i thinking last night?!?! please tell me what the hell was i thinking....like you would actually care that this meant something to me. you already have something, i have nothing, and yet your still taking things away wether you admit it or not. your so selfish and greedy and sometimes i really cant stand being around you....ughh i just want to yell and scream at you b/c i just dont understand how somebody can be like that. so stuck on themselves in a sad relaly fucked up way.
My life get better, step by step, and I start to be happier, im happy about my, life, friends, school, everything starts to shape up and then it just gets all fucke dup again. I cannot handle it. I'm such a fucking idiot. One minute I'm super hyper and the next I'm just down, sometimes it's about something, and othertimes it's nothing at all. but i can go from dramatically happy to dramatically sad just because of something that someone says to me, ro something that happens, or nothing happening at all. It doesn't matter it just all changes in a split second and i have no control over anything, no grasp over antyhing.
And I try to keep things short and simple so I dont have to go into long detail about all my issues and problems but it doesnt really help me at all. It just makes me feel more like shit. Thanks in large part to this journal because I just hide all my problems here.
-I hate getting up in the morning, because immideatly after I know I have to go to school never knowing what the outcome of my day is going to be. Good or bad, good or bad?!?!
-I hate how I look at you and realize even when I still have hope that one day things can be back to the friendship we had, I know deep down they never will be. You are just far too ....stubborn to even try. To even care.
-I hate knowing every single day that things with my mom, my family just continue to get worse, and never better. That I feel so lonely lately, more than I have ever in my life, and it just doesn't matter to you. You just DO NOT care, and it just keeps crushing me, breaking my heart, shooting my self confidence right down the tubes and yet you continue to just not give a flying fuck. That hurts and one day I hope you see the damage you have done. Because I obviosuly can't make it apparent how torn you make me feel every second, of every day. It's *always* on my mind. Waiting to see what day my parents will really want me, and not just to make things less complicated because they can't live without me. When that day comes I don't know because i don't think it ever will. Your freedom has cost me my happiness and sense of love, and feeling as if I am even worth shit to anyone or anything. Thanks, a whole hell of a lot .
-I hate school because I just canno tmake myself do the things I should. I'm gettin g better, but it's a strugle everyday just to do normal stuff like WANT and MAKING myself do my work, I just can NEVER EVER concentrate, there's always something else on my mind, always something more important, that I just can't shake. And it keeps me from school work, and it keeps me from smiling, from having a life.
-I hate the fact that you didn't call, and that I worry because I didn't talk to you, I hate that you don't care what happens, I hate feeling totally like you just dont even care for me, I hate that you can just go on like nothing ever even happened, i hate that it doesn't bother you, that you dont feel guilty for even one second, and if you do you dont even say so. i hate feeling like maybe i shouldn't do this ever again or say that ever again, because it just might be what turned you away i hate itttttttttt im starting to hate you for making everything I didn't want to happen, come true.
-I hate that im the closest person to you, and vice versa and yet you still turn away. that i cant help you and you think that i dont care when really half the time i care more than you know and i would do anythning for you, anything to make you happy, anything in my power to make all your dreams and happiness come back to you.
-i hate hating myself, because i dont know what will help me feel better what will let me feel for once like a good person. i want to be the person my friends wnat in a friend, i want to be nice, and caring, and fun all the time, i dont want to be a bore to be around and i dont want ppl to hate me
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HISTORYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ughhhh adjkjdkljfa I ahte school! please someone just hug me GAWD!
2 do you.♥ |
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glitterkisses
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2004 28 October :: 9.04am
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i thought wronggggg
ugh im so sick of this being an up and down emotional rollercoaster. Im sick of riding it.
1 do you.♥ |
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glitterkisses
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2004 27 October :: 9.03pm
So everything was just buggin me down today like for no reason I was just sad. And almost cried in yearbook about a thousand times. Then after school me and Jess sold our ads and went and ate together and had a blast, then we went and saw the Grudge and I met this guy named Brandon. :) *smiles. He's got the cutest smile. He goes to Rockford, and he's a senior. Oh and did I mention that he gave me his number so I'm going to call him tomorrow :) Yeah so during almost the scariest part of the movie Brandon sneaks up behind me seat and touches me and honestly scared the shit outta me. Lol he's so friecken hot YAY!!! I'm so excited, my bad day turned into suc a great day , tomorrow parents are gonna be gone, party! Ah I'm in such a better mood.
Jesssssssssssssssssssssssss
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2004 27 October :: 1.51pm
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~~~
I am about two seconds away. You don't even understand!
1 do you.♥ |
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2004 27 October :: 10.58am
I feel like I have no options to my own life. Like every situation I've dealt with, that I'm trying to cope with, it just doesn't seem like anything gets better. And doesn't it go, "If you hit rock bottom, you can get any lower , It's only up from here" Like there isn't any choice to any thing. I have no answers, for myself. And it's so stupid, I know it is, but there isn't anything I can do to change anything. I want to, but I just can't make myself do shit. I tell myself, just do it, you have to, and it just doesn't matter. I just don't care! I never know what I should do, what the right answer is, or what I should be doing. Then other times I know *exactlly* what I should be doing, I just can't make myself do it. Which is really pathetic. I feel stupid for it too, that I can't make my own decsions, but I just mess everything up. So I guess I'd rather stall, then actually do anything about it.
dfalkdjfughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! And me being disapointed is nobody else's fault but my own. I want things I can't have, and I do things I know are going to get me in way over my head, and there isn't anyone who can help pull me outta them because I just dont care if people do or dont do it. None of this makes sense, I know!!!! Which makes it even dumber that I can't even describe to myself how I feel. I'll run before I deal with it. Even though I know things will never turn around if I just hide and run from things instead of just getting over it. I know I just need to find a way to handle things without getting so emotionally caught up in it. The easiest things tear me to pieces, because I can't do it. Somethings that is nothing is big to me, and something that IS something, means absoluetly jack shit to me. AndI can't help but to just tell people to bud out, even though I DO need them to psuh me, to tell me the things I may not WANT to hear, but NEED to hear. I need the forced hugs, and the forced conversations about things that I'm not all that comfortable talking about. I need that more than I need this.
I don't want to care what others think of me, but I do. I care about what the people I care about think of myself. I wish I could let it all roll off my shoulders, and accept the fact that not everyone is going to understand what I mean soemtimes, and where I'm coming from, but I want to be clear, and I want to be understood by someone, and myself. Does ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE?!?!
I really can be the biggest bitch. I know I can be. And sometimes that is really me, but other times, I honestly just dont want you in perticular to see really that there isn't anything to see at all.
This isn't the first time that this has happened between you and I. It's the second. And you'd think that after the first time I would be okay with it, but I'm not. I do care, and for as long as I feel this way, I'm going to try my hardest to speak up and say so becuase you're right you do deserve to know how I feel, and that you do deserve to understand what I'm talking about when we fight. You're leaving, and I just don't feel that way. I never have felt MORE than that. I thought we were both okay with just being what it was. Which is more than a little and less than a lot. I don't care who likes you and who doesn't, that doesn't matter to me, I chose my friends b/c their personality chooses me. If you're a cinical asshole, then chances are, I won't like ya, but I DECIDE who I'm close with and who I'm not. Nobody else. Just me. So screw everybody else. That shouldn't matter and it makes me so mad that you think it does. Becaus eI'm the not that vain and I'm not stuck on all that crap.
I'm forcing the hugs today.
1 do you.♥ |
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2004 26 October :: 6.47pm
It's hard to lead the life you choice, when all your lucks run out on you. I can see when none of my dreams are coming true. It's easy to forget. I know I'll choke on the regreats. Who the hell do I think I am? I tried to make believe that I was the one who would neal before the dreams that I wanted, when all the talk, and all the empty lies disguse me, I'll ask myself who I am.
EITHER YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OR YOU DONT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!
Ugh thanx a lot you stupid stupid asshole. In some sense I totally feel used. Probably because I was. But you seemed so much different. We hang out, have a great time, you actually opened upt ome and we talked about stuff that meant something, espically to you. Then we hang out again,a nd have a great time. Then again and obviously I have feelings for you and you expressed that you did too. Then Homecoming and I have a GREAT, great , greatttttttt time!!!! I was so happy that you asked me, and that I felt so comfortable with you. And honestly out of everything just holding your hand in the back of that seat, sleeping on top of you and lying there listening to your heart beat with your head resting on my mind...I have never felt so comfortable with anyone as much as I did then. Everything felt perfect, it felt so....right! I felt so safe in your arms, wanted, happy. I thought for sure after that night, after I had an amazing night that we were for sure going somewhere. Then I only talked to you the day after, then...not again. I don't know..maybe it's just me.. but when you like someone you wouldn't just NOT care if you weren't talking. You just wouldn't. You'd go nuts, sorta like me, ...right now actually. So how many times have I said that wondering about WHAT the hell is going on, and how you're feeling is SO much than jut knowing, wether it be what you want OR not. It's soooooooo much worse. Because you want to just forget and let it slip, but you just can't shake it. And every time I see you, everytime I look at our pictures, everytime I pass you in the hallway and you just give me a big smile or say hi, why is that it, why isn't it more? I can't help but wonder....what was it that made you decide that i wasn't worth it?? Was I not pretty enough, was I not as much fun that night as you wanted or were expecting, was I not outgoing enough...., was I not funny enough, was I too out going, was I too much for too soon? WHAT I just dont know, and I dont want to care. Believe me I don't want to be sitting here wondering why you ddin't call, or what it was that I did that was so un-appealing to make you not even persue a friendship above all things. You let me down, and most of all you hurt my feelings. More than I'm sure you even know, or would even care to know about. Chances are...you don't care at all. A Date's a date, and when you need one, good if you find one, and too bad if you don't right? Don't you get it?!?! Don't you get why I'm so upset, why this drives me up the wall, why I feel so torn?!?! It's because I feel for you, a lot more than I have a lot of people. You are everything I want. You are , or seem to be the sweetest guy. You KNOW what you want, you're driven,a nd you go after what you want no matter who doesn't want that for you, you actually have a future , a HONORABLE future planned out for yourself. You respect people, and genuinally care for them also. You're intelligent, you make me laugh, and you have a good heart. That's what I need , it's everything that I want. You're not responsful. You dont respond in the right manor though, because I were you I'd at least inform me. I JUST DONT GET IT! I DONT!!! I don't understand. And you haven't exactlly given me the oppurtunity too either. I didn't want to get hurt, and even in the short amount of time ...I have.
I really just wanted, and still want things to work out. But I don't see high chances of that happening...........
adfkjalksdjfef
2 do you.♥ |
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glitterkisses
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2004 25 October :: 9.01pm
Why is that I constantly feel like I'll never be good enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not fun enough, why?????
2 do you.♥ |
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glitterkisses
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2004 25 October :: 3.58pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Keith Urban-My Everything
I had such a good day today. Just nothing really upset me. I was just in a good perky mood! Everything and Everyone cheered me up today, Espically Aaron and Kelli in 4th hour.Kelli is the sweetest girl in the world! I love her to pieces! And Aaron is such a doll I love him to death too. I have like this wierd attachment to him to him, he's the coolest sophmore, besides Kelli.;)
So my grades in Anatomy , and Yearbook are really slippin. Anatomy I just hate it and never study because I can read and read and read and still not understand two sentences of what I just read. Then Yearbook I still haven't finished me photo project and I still have to sell like 6 ads. Grr I wanna get outta Anatomy sooo friecken bad,
I love my friends, sorry that I've been bitchy to you guys a lot lately, it's just me, an di loce you! Espically the bomb ass pussy!!!
JESSSSSSSSS *MUAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*
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2004 24 October :: 6.00pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Edwin McCain-I'll be
I want so many things , above all things..I just want love because it seems to make everything so much better. It always has.
It gives me comfort that I've never know, and helps to push me to be the person I want to be, it helps everything I need to put my life back into perspective. I want love, I want happiness.
-I want to wake up and have a family that isn't perfect, but a family that is a REAL family that doesn't cause so much emotional
crap and pain and hurt.
-I want to find a guy who isn't perfect because no guy is perfect, but a guy that is perfect for me. I want to stop hoping it'll work out like with Mitch, and Dan, and just wind up torn all over again. I want it to just workout, someone who is everything I need, who is everything I want.
-I want to not care so much about how much I can't stand myself for dumb reasons. I don't want to hate myself, I want to be happy, more than happy, very pleased with myself.
-I want to care more about my school work because even though I KNOW if I don't do good I'll just screw myself over for the future,
for college, for life, I just don't care...ughh alkdjlfkajdlf
-I want a job so I can pay for my own things, because I hate relying on other people for things like that. I want to beable to buy a phone that isn't a piece of crap, that I actually can talk on b/c mine drops the signal after two seconds. I want to pay for a car, and insurance, and for myself.
-Above all things I just want to be happy. Happy with EVERYTHING. I want to be happy with myself and life, and the life I have and that I'm living.
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2004 24 October :: 1.00pm
Friday I hung out with Jess, cried together in bed, literally lol. We're pathetic but I don't care cos I love her and at least I have someone to be pathetic with.
So last night was fun. Cass came over and Kate, Cass, and I went to see The Grudge which was the scariest movie I've ever seen. I flipped out. I want to see it again :). So we came home then went over to say goodbye to Jeff, and I got too see Justin Campbell! I love him so much!!! Freshman year during track I loved that kid, he's like the funnest boy in the world! Anyway so then we went to party w/ Katie Jo and Travis for a little bit then came home, and Me and Cass watched movies and vented which was good stuff.
So I've decided espically b/c of Jon that I just don't need to worry about mitch because it's clearly going no where. Oh well just something else I fucked up. What can ya do.
It's the fagthers b-day today. And we have to go to a stupid Aniversary Party, and I don't know anyone there, but hmm...Kate's cousin..........WAM WAM WAM KATE ;) I love you
~Jess
1 do you.♥ |
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2004 23 October :: 12.12am
Ilove you so mch Jess if it wasnt for you tonight I dont know what I might of done.....ate a cake? lol
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2004 22 October :: 1.20pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Keith Urban-I want to be your Everything
I feel you now, and we're both crashing down today.
The clouds push away by wind and butterflys colide.
The first time I looked in your eyes I knew, That I would do anything for you. The First time you touched my face I felt what I have never felt with anyone else. I want to give back what you've given to me and I want to witness all of your dreams. Now that you've shown me who I really am I want to be more than just me. I want to be the wind that fills your sails, And your hand be the one to lift my veil, and be the moon that moves your tide, the sun coming up in your eyes. Be the wheel that never rust and be the spark that lights you up all that you've been dreaming of and more, I want to be your everything.
when you wake up, i'll be the first thing you see and when it gets dark you can reach out to me I charish your words and I finsh your thoughts and ill be your compass baby when you get lost.
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2004 22 October :: 12.31pm
ajflkajdfwefaidf I HATE THISSSSSSSSSSSS
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2004 21 October :: 8.13pm
Me and Kate went and babysat after school which was fun, sorta lol I'm exhausted. YOU ARE BEING A BITCH! EVERY GOD DAMN TIME YOU WERE A BITCH I WAS NICE BUT NOW I JUST DONT CAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
I'm exhausted. This weekend should be fun. I hope I get to spend some time together with him and talk, b/c I know I need to talk and figure out what he thinks and whats going on. I'm going to bed, ~Jess
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2004 21 October :: 11.08am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls-Sympathy
So everything and everyone is just really irrating me. Espically certain people. So maybe I am un-happy a lot of the time lately, or the past couple of days. I have reasons, and even if I didn't, who says I have too? If I want to be a bitch, I'll be a bitch. If I want to cry, FOR NO APPARENT REASON, I'll cry for no reason. If I want to be happy even when I shouldn't, I will. If I want to be miserable for a couple days, because it's the only way I know how to deal with things, well then by God I will be. So fuck you if you don't like it. Just because you would choose to deal with MY situation differently, so about your luck, but you're not me, and I'll deal with MY life, and MY issues the way I want too. I do cry over things I'm sure most people find silly and stupid, but oh well. That's me, and if you dont' like it then just dont' talk to me. Simple as that. I'm not going to change my mood, or change how, or WHO I am for that matter just because it doesn't please your happy mood at the time. I don't ask you to be in a good mood when I am, or a bad mood when I am. So don't ask the same thing from me, becuase you won't get it. I always have more on my mind than I can say. Don't be a complete jackass because I am self consious about a lot of things, and I do get down easily, and as much as it MAY bug you, OH WELL. I DONT CARE! I'll complain a little, maybe a lot, I'll cry some, I'll eat some, I'll be a bitch some, I'll be crazy some, I'll ignore things more, I'll do what I DO to get over things. So get off my fuicking back. OH AND FYI IF I WANT TO BITCH AND COMPLAIN ILL DO IT A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT HERE, OR ANYWHERE SO FUCK OFF! You can be such a bitch to people. Here's a tip, when a friends in a bad mood either
1.) Leave them alone OR
2.)Comfort them
The things on the "Not to do List" are definatly
1.) BE A BITCH
2.) BE A BIG BITCH
lkfjlskjfl;ksajfiouwelrkjklfj
*screams
I just want to sleep. I'm so tiered. I love you Jess, thanks for this morning. :)
~Jess
7 do you.♥ |
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2004 20 October :: 8.52pm
Went to the Doctor's today. Got Blood taken to test for Mono, and I freaked out and was balling. Hated being w/ my mom. Got home slept, watched A Cinderalla Story. It's the cutest fucking movie, and it made me so mad b/c THAT SHIT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME! Lucky bitch, I hate her. Isn't that pathetic? Ugh he just better get around to asking me soon. kjadskljaslkd;fjalkdjflkajdf I got my pictures back from Homcoming, I hate all of them but one with Mitch at my house, one with Kate at our house, One with Mitch at the Bowling Alley, and one of me and KAtie Jo. kajkjadlkfj
I WANT TO CURL UP IN MY BED AND NEVER WAKE UP AGAIN
alkdjflkajlkajsdf *SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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2004 19 October :: 8.37pm
So life couldn't be any shitter. I haven't felt so run down ever. I want to just to be put out of my mysery and then I just want to fast foward through the next couple of months so I can just be okay, so everyone can be okay, and happy. akdfjaljflajd
3 do you.♥ |
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2004 19 October :: 4.10pm
So I feel extremley shitty, emotionally and physically. Probably more than most times I've ever felt this way. I hate my mom, and i love her at the same time. Everything is just such a mess, with everything, and I just don't know how to handle a single thing. I don't even know what's going on with me and Mitch anymore. Which breaks me up cos I really want this to work out. He makes me feel so complete, and keeps my mind away from all the bad. And my mom..I'm just realizing there will NEVER be a time where we get along, or we agree on something, there will NEVER be a time where she makes me happy being around her. I just don't know what to do, how to handle anything. I try to keep it off my mind, put it someplace where no one, including myself can get to it. So pretty much eventually it goes away, but it's just all falling out of the box in the top of the closest and I can't get the door open to shove it all back inside. It's just over flowing and I don't know what to do with it all. Everythings going to shit. I can't help any of my friends, espically my best friend. Nothing I do or say can help her, or myself, and I just feel more useless and worthless than I have ever felt before in my life.
God please help me be strong......
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2004 18 October :: 8.11pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Jessica Simpson-Angels
So it seems like everyone had a great time at Homcoming. I had one of the best nights of my life. I am so glad that I went. I'm just glad I went with Mitch.
It's nice to know that I'm making your life miserable as you like to put it, when I haven't even been around you for a month in a half. I'm just realizing that I'm better off, happier without you. I just pray to God one day I can look you in the face and not hate you with all my heart. That I can forget everything, every hurtful word, every stupid decsion and fight you started, everything can just be left in the past, and never brought up again. I hope......
Just thinking about you makes me smile, makes me so happy.
~Jess
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2004 17 October :: 6.52pm
UGHHH YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH!!
jlaweioaslkdnfasnflaslf
Like always, I'm the happiest I have ever been and then somehow my stupid mom always finds a way to bring me back down again.
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2004 17 October :: 1.46pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Live-The Dolphins Cry
Last night was one of the best nights of my life.
I had to do other people's hair when I woke up, so I got home and had to hurry and get ready because plans changed and Mitch was picking me up at 4:30. So he got here and we got the pictures snapped outta us lol, I'm so sick of pictures lol. And he brought me roses, and ahh he's just such a sweetheart.
Then we went over to Taylor's and just hung out till everyone got there. Then we took more and more pictures. Then we went to the Outback, and my food was disgusting. Even the salad's there are spicy. My mouth was on fire, so I only had like 3 bites of my dinner. I felt bad, since Mitch was paying for it. ehh....what can ya do? Then we went to the dance, we got there a little late, but I had the best night of my life. I had so much fun. The night couldn't have been anymore perfect. The way I feel when I'm with him, makes me so happy, and I just don't have a worrie in the world when I'm looking into his eyes and see he's looking into mine.
So after the dance we went back to Taylor's and Mitch, Me, Taylor, Luke, and Joe drove together to go bowling w/ people. And bowled till 2, :) I won a game too against the boys. heh. It was fun. On the way home we just held hands and rested my head on his shoulder and we both fell asleep and taylor and joe. Then Luke wakes us up cos huh we're getting pulled over, lol just great. I didn't even know what was going on. But it was just an accident, cos Luke drove through an intersection in the right turning lane, but the officer was really nice. Then everyone had to go home, cos it was close to 3 in the morning. So me and Kate went to Barker's, yeah...not so cool. All I wanted to do was sleep. So after the whole fight fiasco, we spent the night at someone else's house, and now I'm exhausted.
I have never felt so beautiful. Just knowing that he's by my side, holding my hand, understanding and watching out for me, makes me so ..complete. Things are..perfect. He's perfect, for me. No one else compares or could mak eme feel the way he does.
~Jess
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2004 13 October :: 4.18pm
klkjlffdgfvkjhjkjlkjlklkjflksd;lfkas';lfkas
I need to get a grip on my own God damn life.
3 do you.♥ |
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2004 12 October :: 7.45pm
:: Mood: shitty
So today was my last day at work, Thank God. Tomorrow I have to practice Shannon's hair for Homcoming after school. Then Thursday I have an appointment to get that spray tan done, it better work, or I'll be so upset. Then later on Thursday, hopefully me Taylor, Kate, Luke, Mitch, and Matt are going to the Haunt. Which I'm still kinda weary about...which I shouldn't be, but I am just because I honestly have never been so scared about losing someone in my entire life. But hopefully it'll be fun, it better be damnit. I'm still excited for Homcoming, but bah I dunno. A part of me just didn't even wanna go today, but I think I snapped outta it. Today sucked so bad, I ended up crying in yearbook which I always hate b/c then everyone wonders whats wrong and assumes it's because of something they think they know about, and it honestly had nothing to do with anyone besides myself. Maybe a few other small factors, but mainly just with myself. Bah, I feel so ugly. I'm going to go watch my show.
~Jess
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glitterkisses
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2004 10 October :: 9.01pm
Today me and Kate and her mom went shopping. I got everything I need for Homecoming! I'm so excited! Mitch came over tonight and I showed him my dress and everything! Lol .....good stuff! I'm still really shooken up from last night, but I'm really happy, and frustrated at the same time.
Mostly happy ...:)
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glitterkisses
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2004 10 October :: 10.23am
I still feel like the shittest person in the world, the only people who could possiably understand are the people who were there.
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extremely long survey | Created by xfallingforyoux and taken 35632 times on bzoink! | | ABOUT YOU | | Your full name: | Jessica Lynn Hazen | | Age: | 15 | | Height: | 5'3 | | Natural hair colour: | red | | Eye colour: | blue | | Number of siblings: | 2 | | Glasses/contacts?: | no | | Piercings: | 5 | | Tattoos: | no, but i want one | | Braces?: | no | | FAVOURITE | | Colour: | aqua | | Band: | rascal flats | | Song: | The Dolphins Cry by Live | | Stuffed animal: | teddy bear | | Video game: | dont have one | | TV show: | one tree hill | | Movie: | pearl harbor | | Book: | a walk to remember | | Food: | grapes | | Game on a cell phone: | casino | | CD cover: | idk | | Flower: | daisy | | Scent: | passionate kisses | | Animal: | panda bear | | Comic book: | dont have one | | Cereal: | cinnamon toast crunch | | Website: | woohu | | Cartoon: | dont have one | | DO YOU | | Play an instrument?: | no | | Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: | no | | Like to sing?: | yes | | Have a job?: | yes | | Have a cell phone?: | yes | | Like to play sports?: | yes | | Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: | no | | Have a crush on someone?: | yes | | Live somewhere NOT in the united states?: | no | | Have more than 5 TVs in your house?: | 4 | | Have any special talents/skills?: | you tell me | | Excercise daily?: | yes | | Like school?: | no | | CAN YOU | | Sing the alphabet backwards?: | no | | Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?: | no | | Speak any other languages?: | yes french | | Go a day without food?: | yes | | Stay up for more than 24 hours?: | yes | | Read music, not just tabs?: | yes | | Roll your tongue?: | no | | Eat a whole pizza?: | no | | HAVE YOU EVER | | Snuck out of the house?: | yes | | Cried to get out of trouble?: | yes | | Gotten lost in your city?: | yes | | Seen a shooting star?: | yes | | Been to any other countries besides the united states?: | no | | Had a serious surgery?: | no | | Stolen something important to someone else?: | no | | Solved a rubiks cube?: | no | | Gone out in public in your pajamas?: | yes | | Cried over a girl?: | no | | Cried over a boy?: | yes | | Kissed a random stranger?: | yes | | Hugged a random stranger?: | yes | | Been in a fist fight?: | yes | | Been arrested?: | no | | Done drugs?: | yes, and never again | | Had alcohol?: | yes, and never again | | Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?: | no | | Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: | yes | | Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?: | yes in 2nd grade | | Swore at your parents?: | yes | | Been to warped tour?: | no | | Kicked a guy where it hurts?: | yes | | Been in love?: | no | | Been close to love?: | no | | Been to a casino?: | no | | Ran over an animal and killed it?: | uhh | | Broken a bone?: | no | | Gotten stitches?: | yes | | Had a waterballoon fight in winter?: | no | | Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?: | no | | Made homemade muffins?: | yes | | Bitten someone?: | yes | | Been to disneyland/disneyworld?: | yes w/ taylor | | More than 5 times?: | no | | Been to niagra falls?: | no | | Burped in someones face?: | yes | | Gotten the chicken pox?: | yes | | WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU | | Brushed your teeth: | this morning | | Went to the bathroom: | this morning | | Saw a movie in theaters: | a long time ago | | Read a book: | i read in school everyday | | Had a snow day: | last year | | Had a party: | last weekend | | Had a slumber party: | a while ago | | Made fun of someone: | yesterday | | Tripped in front of someone: | last week | | Went to the grocery store: | this past week | | Got sick: | two weeks ago | | Cursed: | yesterday | | PICK ONE | | Fruit/vegetables: | fruit | | Black/white: | black | | Lights on/lights off: | off | | TV/movie: | movie | | Car/truck: | car | | Body spray/lotion: | spray | | Cash/check: | cash | | Pillows/blankets: | blankets | | Headache/stomach ache: | headache | | Paint/charcoal: | paint | | Chinese food/mexican food: | chinese | | Summer/winter: | summer | | Snow/rain: | rain | | Fog/misty: | misty | | Rock/rap: | rap | | Meat/vegetarian: | meat | | Boy/girl: | boy | | Chocolate/vanilla: | vanilla | | Sprinkles/icing: | icing | | Cake/pie: | cake | | French toast/french fries: | french toast | | Strawberries/blueberries: | strawberries | | Ocean/swimming pool: | swimming pool | | Hugs/kisses: | hugs | | Cookies/muffins: | muffins | | p33n/bewbz: | huh | | Wallet/pocket: | wallet | | Window/door: | door | | Emo/goth: | emo | | Pink/purple: | purple | | Cat/dog: | dog | | Long sleeve/short sleeve: | long | | Pants/shorts: | pants | | Winter break/spring break: | winter | | Spring/autumn: | autumn | | Clouds/clear sky: | clear sky | | Moon/mars: | moon | | FRIENDSHIP | | How many friends do you have?: | i cant count | | What are their names?: | im not naming them all | | Do you have a best friend?: | yes | | Have you ever liked one of your friends?: | guy friends | | Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?: | no | | Have you ever lost a friend?: | yes | | Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?: | yes cassie | | Whats an inside joke between you and a friend?: | WAM WAM WAM | | Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?: | yes | | Whats the nicest thing youve ever done for a friend?: | i dunno | | Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?: | tell me how imporant i am to them | | Do you miss any of your old friends?: | yeah | | What friend have you known the longest?: | jess | | Do you regret anything youve done to a friend?: | yes | | If so, what is it?: | being mean to jess when we were little, and fighitng w/ kate over a boy | | How often do you spend time with your friends?: | all the time | | Do any of your friends drive?: | everyone but me | | Has a friend of yours ever died?: | never anyone im really good friends with, no | | Whats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?: | id unno | | What do you think your friends think of you?: | you tell me | | LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP | | Have you ever been in love?: | no | | If you have, with who?: | | | Are you single?: | yes, sorta | | Are you in a relationship?: | no | | If so, for how long?: | | | Do you believe there is someone for everyone?: | yes | | What is your idea of the best date?: | BEing with someone you really know and care about, and going someplace really fun, with something romnatic planned for afterwards, and a kiss goodnight | | What was your first kiss like?: | gross | | How old were you when you got your first kiss?: | 13 i think | | Do you think love is a load of shit?: | no | | Whats the best experiance youve ever had with the opposite sex?: | not sure | | If you are single, have you had any boyfriends/girlfriends before?: | yeah | | Have you ever been dumped?: | yeah | | Have you ever dumped someone?: | yeah | | Whats the most sexual thing youve done with the opposite sex?: | I'm still a virgin if that's what you're asking | | WORD ASSOCIATION | | Slippers: | shoes | | Hat: | brown | | Hard: | en | | Free: | sample | | Space: | ship | | Taste: | jelly | | Good charlotte: | free | | Red: | hair | | Deep: | down | | Heart: | emotional | | Cord: | vacum | | Cheese: | pictures | | Rain: | drops | | Work: | corn | | Pedal: | flower | | Head: | over | | Bed: | small | | Fluff: | pillow | | Hardcore: | person | | Race: | white | | Knife: | stab | | Jump: | rope | | I.... | | am: | scared | | want: | mitch | | need: | to know hes okay | | crave: | assurance | | love: | my friends | | hate: | feeling like smething terriable is going to happen | | did: | not think last night | | feel: | like shit and hate myself for it | | miss: | his voice | | am annoyed by: | myself | | would rather: | be hanging out w/ mitch than istting in my pjs | | am tired of: | over thinking things | | will always: | hate myself for last night | | SILLY STUFF | | What is your favourite genre of music?: | sappy love music | | What time is it now?: | 10:14 | | What day is it?: | Sunday | | Whens the last time you called someone?: | last night, Heater | | How much money do you have right now?: | at leat 80 dollars | | Are you hungry?: | no | | Whatcha doin?: | thinkin | | Do you like parades?: | yeah | | Do you like the moon?: | yeah | | What are you going to do when youre done with this?: | probably go lay w/ kate and talk to her | | Isnt cup a funny word when you repeat it over and over?: | no | | If you could have any magical power what would it be?: | to make everyone happy | | Have you ever had a picnic?: | no | | Did you ever have one of those skip-its when you were young?: | what | | What about sock em boppers?: | yeah | | Are you wearing any socks right now?: | no | | DO YOU THINK YOU ARE | | funny?: | yeah | | pretty?: | no | | sarcastic?: | yeha | | lazy?: | sometimes | | hyper?: | sometimes | | friendly?: | to most people | | evil?: | no | | smart?: | depends | | strong?: | yeah | | talented?: | no | | dorky?: | yeah | | ASSOCIATE THESE WORDS WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW (or dont know) | | high: | ughhh | | skip: | me katie and katie jo | | dance: | "skittles" | | lonely: | myself | | pen: | mr stark | | flower: | jenny | | window: | idk | | psycho: | idk | | brain freeze: | idk | | orange: | katie | | sassy: | katie jo | | jelly: | idk | | FOR OR AGAINST | | suicide: | against | | love: | for | | drunk drivers: | against | | airplanes: | against | | war: | against | | canada: | for | | united states: | for | | rock music: | for | | gay marriage: | against | | school: | against | | surveys: | fo | | parents: | against | | cars: | for | | killing: | against | | britney spears: | against | | coffee: | against | | pants: | for | | WOULD YOU EVER | | Sky dive?: | yes | | Play strip poker?: | yes | | Run away?: | i did sorta.. | | Curse at a teacher?: | no | | Not take a shower for a week?: | no | | Ask someone out?: | yeah | | Lie to someone to make them think better of you?: | im sure we all have | | Visit a foreign country for more than a month?: | no | | Go scuba diving?: | yeah | | Write a book?: | yeah | | Become a rockstar?: | yeah | | Have casual sex?: | no | | LAST QUESTIONS | | What shampoo do you use?: | whatevers in the shower | | Whens the last time you did something sexual with the opposite sex?: | a while ago | | What kind of computer do you have?: | a dell | | What grade are you in?: | 11th | | Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?: | no | | Or just make out?: | no | | How many posters do you have in your room?: | none | | How many cds do you have?: | some | | What time is it now?: | 10:20 | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
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glitterkisses
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2004 9 October :: 11.40pm
:: Music: Live-"The Dolphins Cry"
We went to the haunt and I honestly have never been more scared in my life, and not because of anything that even has to do with the Haunt.
The second I saw him, my heart just stopped and I will never ever do anything like that again. It's not worth it. I know if anything happens tonight while he's sleeping I will never forgive myself.
*pray
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glitterkisses
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2004 9 October :: 4.19pm
So today me and Kate went to Champion and on the way home we drive past an old man standing on the side of the road, holding up a sign that reads, "Will work for food" So I made Kate quick whip into the gas station and we bought him A lunchable, cookies, pringales, ham and cheese sandwhich, pack of twinkies, chips, and a pack of gum, and diet coke. And I cannot even tell you how much better it made me feel. To see him smile and give him a hug, and all he said was God Bless your heart, and my heart just broke. To help one person, by the littlest thing, felt so good.
~Jess
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glitterkisses
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2004 9 October :: 9.47am
I've never felt this way about anything before. Never felt so good. Never felt the way they were talking about.
Yesterday I got outta school, me and Kate went to work for a little bit, got our paychecks went to the bank, went tanning, I got my nails done, then Jess and I hung out. I love my Pappy!!!
I cannot wait until Homecoming I'm so excited! I'm going out with Mitch, Luke, and Taylor. I still need to get earings, make up, glitter :) Possiably shoes if I see ones I really like , and who knows what else. So me Katie Jo, and Kate are going shopping Sunday. If we all feel up to it after tonight.
I'm still not sure if I can do it or not. A part of me has always said just wait, and I know if I waited maybe it wouldn't be life altering, I know that , but it would still be special that I would do that for someone. The other part of me says, that doens't matter. Love is love, and if you love someone and your meant to be wth them, that won't have any effect in the matter, they will still love you just as much. I guess the only thing I'm worried about is I'm not IN love, which I always thought I would be. I need that assurance also which I wouldn't have for at least two weeks from today, which isn't enough time. Maybe I'm the only one who even feels this way about the situation anyhow, maybe that honestly hasn't even crossed his mind yet...I don't know, but I need to find out, I need to know other feeligns before I decide on my own.
For the past year and a half I have never been fully happy with myself, never fullly happy with my life, or anything in it. It was always my family, a boy, school work, a friend, a class, a dance, a job, not driving, myself, always somethign that was keeping me from be happy. And I feel like this huge weight has just been lifted off my shoulders. I don't worry about family anymore. I decided that I'm going to stop trying, even stop communicating as much as possiable because I honestly know...things will never change. My parents are set in their messed up ways, their pathetic attitudes, and just will never be the parents that I not only WANT them to be, or NEED them to be, but the people they HAVE to be to keep me around. I won't sacrafice my happiness just because they aren't happy, that isn't family to me. And i'm just tiered of being sad and upset because of family hurting me all the time. I'm done. I just don't care. I don't know how terriable that comes off as, but honestly this is my situation and this is the only way it can be handled. I pray to God one day things will be different, but I'm not getting my hopes up because I know chances are they always suceed in disapointing me. Disapointing themselves. Maybe the Schaub's are blood related family, but if family isn't people who take you in when you have no place else to go and give you everything they have, not jjust the physical things but their heart, their love, their care, then I don' know what family is. That is what I've always wanted and I'm not risking it for people who have lied to me and failed me since I was born. Me and Kate have a friendship like no other, that I couldn't thank God enough for! I need that, I'll admit I'm a very need person. I need a family! I need best friends! I need someoen to cuddle and hug and kiss away my problems! I need a best friend by my side to talk to all the time, and I only hope Kate knows im always here for her too.
Jess is happy, or getting there and I can't even begin to tell you how much happier that makes me! My best friend, she deserves the world! I just hope you see that someday Jess! and how different I would be without you!
And Mitch I have liked him for the longest time. I've known him since we were little, and I'm so happy that things are going the way they are. I'm not going to over push things, I' mgoing to let thigns just happen, and see where they go, but I wnot ever do anything less than my best at giving my heart.
Life is just good, and I have no one else but my friends and the people I care about most to thank for that!
~Jess
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glitterkisses
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2004 9 October :: 12.33am
I honestly couldn't be any happier right now. The Schaub's are my family! They've taken me in and given me everything! I live w/ my best friend and always have someone right there for me and vice versa and I honestly don't know what I would do without Kate.
Mitch and I are finally happening and Homcoming is just around the corner and I honestly wouldn't want to go with anyone else. Not a single person. :)
I love my pappy!
And most importantly, I'm happy with myself with my life and owuldn't have anything any other way!
I love you~~~ Jess
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