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2004 8 October :: 7.24pm
So Mitch asked me to Homecoming today! I'm so happy,y ou have no idea!
~Jess
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2004 8 October :: 1.20pm
I’ll pretend like it doesn’t bother me, but this past week…you don’t know how much closer it’s driven me to just breaking down because it’s the one thing that I have been looking forward too. Yeah, I’m sure there are a million “reasons” why , and maybe I should just handle it myself, maybe I *AM* over thinking it, and maybe I do have it all wrong.
But Maybe I have it alright and the one thing I think I’ve found, I’ve found the complete opposite. Maybe I am right, and maybe this is just going to make everything so much worse.
I guess I’ll find out after school…
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2004 7 October :: 9.30am
This just might be the worse day I've had through this entire month.
I hate her more than words can describe. I never want to feel this way after today. If that means just cutting you off completely, I will.
I hate you.
2 do you.♥ |
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2004 6 October :: 9.44pm
:: Music: John Mayor-My Stupid Mouth
You know what? Honestly, I don't think it's a big deal anymore. Well of course it IS a big deal, but not "that." It is my choice, I'm a junior in High School. I am old enough to make my own choices, make up my mind about my life and what I *want* This is what I want, and if I want it of course I'm going to be smart and SAFE about it.
I don't trust myself around you, and something about that makes me want you even more.
Homecoming is soon, and I just want this to be figured out. Because it makes me Happy, and Sad, and Anxious, and Nervous all at the same time.
~jess
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2004 6 October :: 1.07pm
JUST ASK GOD DAMNIT!!!
UGH i'M GETTING MADDDDD
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2004 5 October :: 9.21pm
Lol I'm so happy now! You have no idea. Even though I haven't really gotten what I've been waiting for, the fact that I'm pretty sure I will is what makes me happy. heh. *smiles.
Allergic to laytex lol hehe, that cracks me up.
YAY!!!!!! *smiles
I'm so excited for Homcoming!!!
~Jess
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2004 5 October :: 5.45pm
:: Music: John Mayor-My stupid Mouth
Some of the day was good, and other parts we're really shitty. Then work, just really made me sad. I hate it so much. Then I got home and I just feel even shitter. But Katie Jo is coming over, so hopefully she'll cheer me up.
We talked about it a little bit, but not enough to get out of the conversation what I wanted. There's still a lot of time though, and I don't want to rush things at all. I want to make sure that he means it and wants it as well as I do. I know I do, I just want him to be ready. So hopefully sometime this week it all get sorted out, most likely this weekend, I'm hoping. That would make everything I want, actually happen.
I really just need the biggest hug because I'm on the verge of just breaking down and crying, and I don't even really know why. I'm sure I could pull some reasons out of my ass that actually are some what true but honestly...there isn't an exact reason. Just one of those days. One of those days where I seriously cannot handle any jerks or bitchy people. Anyone willing to spear a hug?
*sigh
~Jess
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2004 5 October :: 1.05pm
WTF? ughhh I'm so pissed at you. Well not really, just the way you handeld that. It wasn't the way you should have gone about it. And sometimes I think you really don't ever think about what you do before you do it or say it, because if you really had thought this one through you'd see that you're just going to end up messing it all up, for all of us. Thanks a lot genious!
I didn't ask yet....I'm going to in about 25 minutes when this class gets over. Yay! *blushes* I'm so excited!!! "She's got the bomb ass pussy" *laughs
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2004 4 October :: 8.07pm
So I didn't get to ask, but only because I wasn't around all day, and when I was, he was standing across from the two of us. Whcih wouldn't really be the best thing to ask infront of him.
Me and Kate got our hair done after school today. I like it. I got highlights and a cut, and Kate got red highlights and layers. We both look smookin hot ;) heh
I can't wait till this weekend.
Friday hopefully we're goin to the haunt w/ some people. Then Sat. is Travis's party.
AHHHHHHh I love this boy! Not literally, just like em a lot.
~Jess
1 do you.♥ |
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2004 4 October :: 1.09pm
You fucking little bastard. You are a rat. All of you stupid boys. WTF? Honestly, who the fuck does that? Maybe you didn't go there yourself and rat me out, but dont think I didn't know it was your idea! I will never EVEr in my life be nice to you again you fucking asshole. I swear to God, I'm going to give you the hardest time you've ever gotten from anyone. You dumbass, you are going to wish you had NEVER been my friend, and you're going to regreat crossing me like this.
I'll make it happen.
2 do you.♥ |
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2004 3 October :: 7.31pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: John Mayor-Comfortable
I won't run from it this time. I'm promising myself, no more hiding. I want this more than I've wanted something in a long time. Nothing but good can come from it. And I can't be afraid of something possiably happening before it's even happened. If I don't go for it, don't let it happen, then later I'll regreat it so much more than I know I will, and I'll hate myself for not just letting it happen. I know he won't hurt me, I know that he's an AMAZING guy. He's so understanding and loving. Which is exactlly what I need. I just need to go for it, and let it happen. Stop over thinking everything.
Tomorrow I'll do it.
*smiles*
Jess
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2004 3 October :: 3.37pm
So Mike asked me to Homecoming today. I got my dress today. Sorta lol. And Kate got hers. I'm excited. Espically since as of yesterday we weren't even going. But oh well lol. We're gonna have fun. I can't wait! I really want to go with him though. We'll see what happens tomorrow.
The Favorites, Have-You-Evers.. and Last Times! Oh, the variety! | Created by -ambiguous and taken 25029 times on bzoink! | | What is your favorite.. | | gum | Orbit | | restaurant | Kahuna ville | | drink | Hot chocolate | | season | Summer | | type of weather | Warm | | emotion | Happy | | thing to do on a half day | Go Shopping | | late-night activity | Bonfire | | sport | Basketbal, Sofball | | city | New York City | | store | Forever 21 | | When was the last time you.. | | cried | Friday w/ Jess | | played a sport | Softball Season | | laughed | Today | | hugged someone | Last Night | | kissed someone | Last night | | felt depressed | Friday | | felt elated | Friday | | felt overworked | Sat | | faked sick | Last year | | lied | Yesterday | | What was the last.. | | word you said | Thanks | | thing you ate | Grapes | | song you listened to | "Over and Over Again" by Nelly and Tim McGraw | | thing you drank | Water | | place you went to | Movie Gallery with Kate | | movie you saw | The Exorsist | | movie you rented | Mean Girls | | concert you attended | Don't know | | Who was the last person you.. | | hugged | Mitch | | cried over | Myself | | kissed | Heh..wouldn't you like to know | | danced with | Kate lol | | shared a secret with | Kate | | had a sleepover with | Well I live with Kate, so that's pretty much like every night lol | | called | Katie Jo | | went to a movie with | Tony | | saw | Kate | | were angry with | Dan | | couldn't take your eyes off of | Mitch | | obsessed over | Chad Micheal Murry | | Have you ever.. | | danced in the rain | yes | | kissed someone | yes | | done drugs | yes | | drank alcohol | yes | | slept around | no | | partied 'til the sun came up | yes | | had a movie marathon | yes | | gone too far on a dare | yes | | spun until you were immensely dizzy | yes | | taken a survey quite like this before | yes | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
Ultimate Opposite Sex Survey (for girls) | Created by okwhtsplanb and taken 13763 times on bzoink! | | --Your Favorite-- | | Hair Color: | Dark Hair | | Eye Color: | Brown | | (Their)Music Genre Preference: | Country or Rap | | Height(estimate): | Just Taller than me, makes me feel safe and secuire | | Age: | older, like 16, 17, 18 | | Personality Type: | Funny, Sweet, Charming, Fun, Smart | | --This or That-- | | Older or Younger: | Older | | Romantic or Horndog: | Romantic | | Smart or Stupid: | Smart | | Fat or Skinny: | Muscular | | Skinny but Muscular or Big and Muscular: | Big and Muscular | | Punk or Preppy: | Preppy | | The Big Picture or the Little Things: | Little Things | | Flowers/Candy or Big Expensive Present: | Flowers | | Mixtape or Burned CD: | Mixtape | | Love or Lust: | Love | | Emotional or Just Not: | Just Not | | Sincere or Jokester: | Both | | Hott and mean or Ugly and sweet: | Ugly and Sweet | | Sexy or Just "cute": | either if fine by me | | Arse or Abs: | Abs | | Hair or Hands: | Hair | | Dimples or Eyes: | I'm all about the Eyes~ | | Biceps or Calves/Thighs: | Biceps | | Teeth or Nose(some people are just wierd) : | Teeth | | Clean Shaven or Scruffy: | Clean Shaven | | Rugged or Prim and Proper: | Prim and Proper | | Countryboy or Cityboy | Countryboy | | Date alone or With Friends | Both | | Mama's Boy or Rebel Without A Cause: | Mama's Boy | | --Have You Ever-- | | Dumped a guy because he liked you too much: | yes | | Loved a guy because he stalked you: | no | | Loved a guy because he hated you: | no | | Asked your friend's crush out: | yes | | Lead a guy on for kicks: | no | | Asked a guy out purely because he was hott: | no | | Flirted with guys even though you had a boyfriend: | yeah | | Lied about not having a boyfriend: | no | | Lied about having one: | no | | Cheated: | no | | Been Cheated on: | no | | Had a crush on a gay guy: | no | | --Their Clothing(yes/no)-- | | Boxers?: | yes | | Briefs?: | no | | Hat?: | yes | | Skater Shoes?: | no | | Pimp Shoes?: | What are Pimp shoes? | | Band Shirts?: | sure | | Vintage shirts?: | sure | | Southpole/um..other thug clothes..?: | no | | Dixie Outfitters/Big Johnsons?: | huh | | Independent/DC?: | Independent | | Skavenger/UGP?: | UGP | | Fox/Thor?: | Fox | | Jeans or Shorts?: | Jeans | | --Be Honest-- | | Would you ever date a guy for his money?: | no | | Would you ever date a guy for his social status?: | no | | Have you ever liked hanging out with your bf's friends more than him?: | yes | | Have you ever pretended to like somebody to make them feel better? | no | | Have you called a girl a whore, when you were screwing lots of guys?: | no | | Do looks matter?: | yes | | Are you honestly scared of being dumped?: | yes | | Does size matter?: | yes | | Do you avoid 'situations' with ugly guys?: | yes | | Are you ashamed to be seen with your ugly friends?: | no | | Are you ashamed for being ashamed?(you better be): | im not ashamed | | Do you hide things from your crushes/guy friends/bf?: | no | | Do you lie about masturbation for attention or false innocence?: | no | | Do you really want a guy to say if those jeans make your butt look fat?: | sure im all about the tooshie too! | | Are you dissapointed when your bf doesn't say I love you right away?: | no, that would just upset me | | Wanna be a virgin till marriage? | I use to, but not so much anymore. I just want to wait for someone I really love. | | Do you really love the guys everytime that you say it? | I've never been in love. | | Do you dream about your crushes/bfs/guy friends?: | dream? Literally. no. I think about him though. | | Would you makeout with a guy friend just to get it over with/curiosity?: | yeah most likely | | Does this survey suck nuts? | yeah | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
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2004 3 October :: 12.46pm
*smiles
I'm so happy.
YAY!!!!!
~Jess
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2004 2 October :: 11.56pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Nelly and Tim McGraw-Over and Over Again
HAPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
So me and Kate went to the Powder Puff game, and invited pretty much the whole school over to our house for our bonfire.
Yeah, everyone showed up, and I had the best time.
That happiness I was talking about, I got it. I am so happy, you have no idea. I like Mitch so much. And I had a great night.
Thanks for everyone who came, lol which is pretty much everyone...lol
~Jess
1 do you.♥ |
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2004 1 October :: 9.46pm
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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2004 1 October :: 4.40pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: Nelly and Tim McGraw-Over and Over Again
I want it so bad. So bad because it's all that I've wanted. It would make everything perfect, complete me. I promise to you my life that I mean it. I can't make you believe me, but a promise is a promise. Espically coming from me.
You know, I know, and no one else. No one else matters. What happens between us, stays between us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it's on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo
I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh
But I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I Can't go on not loving you)
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo
I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
and this chose I made keep playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh
I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I Can't go on not loving you)
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo
(Now that I've realizes that I'm going down
From all this pain you've put me thought
Every time I close my eyes I like it ?
I can't go on not loving you)
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo
Over and Over again
Over and Over again
Cause it's all in my head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today was such a good day. Not for any particular reason. I'm just so happy all the time now. THere's nothing to keep my head down.
Tonight.
I'm buying Dakota's car. yay!! For cheap too. I love that kid!
~Jess
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2004 1 October :: 1.38pm
I am so happy!
*smiles
I'm so glad it's Friday! And Red Flannel Weekend~
~Jess
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2004 30 September :: 9.40pm
:: Music: Nellly and Tim McGraw-over and over again
I love this song! Nelly and Tim McGraw's song, "Over and Over again" *smiles. Every needs to download that song. It made me tear up when I first heard it.
I'm sorry, but I can't just do everything I use to be able too. You aren't having any understanding at all. You just get too upset way too easily, and I can't help you when you're like that, and I don't feel like I can help you. When you talk like that, it makes me just angry, then no one helps anyone. So just drop the attitude.
Me and Kate went to the soccer game and I had so much fun! I got to see everyone. My little Boom Boom :)
I'm so excited for tomorrow, heh. I dont know why. I'm just happy with everything pretty much. :)
Tomorrow is the first home game, he's comin over, they both are. lol
*Smiles. I'm just so happy that for the first time in a long time. There isn't one thing in my life that I'm not happy with. I'm just so happy!!!!!!!!!!!
~jess
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2004 29 September :: 11.10am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: ?-Nasty Girl
Lol I'm catching on.
"---- got exstincted by their own exstinction!" haha, I love it!!!!
That made my day.
I'm so happy right now. I'm really tiered.
More at work. Woo!!!
"Clean off your face Gosh damn"
"Who gets a muffin? Honestly...?"
"EXSTINCTION!!!!!"
I'm such a loser. *laughs. Who cares. I care less and less every day, and the happier and happier I get.
kdjfkajfkajdfkjdflkjadkfj My feet are ...feelin kinda funny!
~Jessssssssss
2 do you.♥ |
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2004 28 September :: 8.58pm
So you got lucky, so what. Get a grip on your life a hole.
Work sucks, I hate it so much!!!!!
I missed Jess today at school. I love you pappy!
That's all I got...
~Jessa
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2004 28 September :: 2.26pm
:: Mood: pissed
You are a stupid bastard. Honestly...just when I start to be nice, because I think maybe for once in your god damn life you've actually taken something seriously, just to find out you are still the same miserable jackass. You deserve all that you have coming, and the shit load on your shoulders already.
You don't know what hard is, so stop your complaining because you are by far one of the most selfish people I have ever met.
Do you even consider her feelings, or hers, or hell, the whole damn school you stupid stupid fucker!
ughhhsd fkajsd;flkjas'ldkfjas;lkdfjladf
3 do you.♥ |
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2004 26 September :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Mirah Carey-Hero.....pathetic huh?
I don't know why it bothered me. It really shouldn't have, seeing as how it's not the person that has any importance really. Not meant in a mean way or anything, just the fact that it made me feel really shitty. Make any sense? I already was feeling pretty much like crap to begin with, and that just took the cake. I've had enough of feeling worthless. Most of the time I'm pretty happy. I have fun, but sometimes it's only a distraction from taking the second where no one's around me, when no one's face to face, when there's no voice speaking to me, to just sit and all the worries in my head, all the problems, all the feelings just come rushing out and I just feel .....worthless. I don't wanna feel like that at the end of the night. For the most part, I really don't. I am pretty much happy with how everything's going. It's a lot better than it was before all this happened. I just don't like those breif moments where everything quit and I can't shut my head off, I just keep thinking and thinking, and worrying and worrying...and then I feel so pathetic and so stupid and all I can think to myself, is ..."why do i even feel this way?" I don't need that, OR THAT to make me happy. It's just one of those times where you look at what someone else has, or what you thought you USE to have and you realize that for a breif moment in time it WAS what you wanted, and it was what made you happy.
You told me today that after you realized I never meant it, you didn't either. But what you didn't know is I never said I didn't mean it, because not for a second was that the case.
I mean every word I say, I mean everything I do from the bottom of my heart. Rarely will I tell you something, or say something to someone that isn't meant from my heart. When I say thank you, I mean it. When I tell someone I love them, wether it be a real love that I've never had, or the love I genuianally have for ALL my friends, bad history and all, I mean it.
Because I do love you, mad and happy.
*sigh
Someone needs to just run me over with their car so I can get a damn grip on my life.
~Jess
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2004 26 September :: 12.37pm
Yesterday Kate, Jenny, Mommy Schaub, and I went shopping. Yeah....I spent my whole paycheck...:( I'm so stupid. Oh-well it was well spent.
Rushed home, and got ready for the pagent! ok first of all, Congradulations to Linds!!! Erika!! Becky, and ah who am I kidding, I hate Jamie Innis, she's s a total suck up and I really didn't want her to win. I wanted Jessie to win, because honestly she did so amazing! She was soooooooooo gorgoues! And I really don't know what the hell was going on, maybe Jamie did amazing in her interview, but Jessie you did amazig! you looked like a princess, and i dont think you even have any clue how great you really are! You're amazing! And I hope you know that!
Erika, you looked so beautiful when you won! You deserved it so much. And I really hope that you realized last night the potenitional you have to make this place a better one, how much you are loved, and what a great person you are. I hope everything you've been working so hard for, and struggling just to take another breath, payed off last night. I love you so much and am so proud of you!
And Miss Lindsey Gates! I love you baby cakes!!! You too looked like a princess, and You are such an amazing person, you are yourself all the time, you're always happy, and giddy, and you make the people around you happy and I love who you are, and what a good person you are and what a great heart you have.
Congradualtions ladys!
:)
2 do you.♥ |
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2004 24 September :: 6.32pm
Got outta sixth hour, which really sucked...ugh just the people in the class, some of them..make me so ...causious. So yeah, just told Jess about everything which was nice. Me and Pappy haven't had one of those talks in a long time.
Got to work, late lol. Oh well. Um yeah, and the new guys aren't so bad after all. Just kinda funny. I thought work was really going to suck, but if you're with the right people it end sup being pretty fun. Wrote pussy all over Jeff's car, with cheese. *laughs Yeah, I'm a mean bitch, but you know what, it was funny. It still is and I odn't care. So he took off with my phone, but he brought it back over, and Patrick lol ahhh I love that kid. We got outta work earlie too. So I oculd go to the game, but I already made plans w/ Jess, so she's picking me up and I get to hang out with my Pappy, instead of going to the game and dance. Although me and Kate would have a lot of fun.
Got our paychecks. They weren't as much as we'd thought they be. *grrrr So yeah anyway, tomorrow is the pagent, then Sunday me and Kate are going shopping. Yay!
~jess
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2004 24 September :: 2.10pm
I'm so sick of people.
I wish I would have just stayed in French.
You are ughhh such a bitch! Gawd.
At least I get to hang out with Jess tonight.
I just wanna kill someone aksdjfklasjdfkljasdf
~Jess
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2004 23 September :: 8.51pm
I feel like updating again about my day, pretty much cos I forgot certain parts of it.
I got to see Devon today! The bell rang for first hour, and I see her pretty little face walk by my door, and I just gasped as loud as possiable, and then she ran into my French class, and I seriously flipped a nut! I was going crazy, I was so happy to see her! I miss that girl! She's here for a week. Can never get enough Devon hugs.
So my throat hurts so bad. I feel like there's a softball lodged in my asophigious. Got to see the yearbook today. Pretty ...not cool. I noticed it's a lot of the same people over and over. Oh well.
And Anatomy, what a waste of my fucking time. I really don't care about "that" Give me a break, it happens to a lot of people every fucking day. Stupid ass.
Talked to Mr. Pilar today about how retarded our school is, and that I never should have been put in Consumer Math, and I want the hell out, because I may not be smart in math. I know that. I've always struggled with math, but I know my fucking addition, subrtaction, multiplication, and division. I have a 100 in that class. It doens't count as a math fucking credit which means I'm going to have to fucking take another fucking math class next year! I'm so fucking pissed, none of you have a fucking clue. And they won't let us switch out. It only counts as an elective credit, which hello??? Who takes a "MATH ELECTIVE" NO ONE!!!! ITS A MATH CLASS WHICH MEANS IT SHOULD BE A MATH CREDIT! Stupid fuckheads. So even though it's JUST an elevtice that I DONT want, because it's a waste of my time when I could be taking a class I need. Nope, stupid assholes wont let me even switch into an elecitve that I fucking want! Give me a break. I swear every year the school messes so many people's classes up! Fucking idiotS!!! ughh IM SOOO mad!!!
So yeah anyhoo, work well was okay, kinda fun, I love Matt! He's such a sweet guy! Oh, and me and KAt eboth want his truck. All three of them. Lucky bastard.
Went to the soccer game, and yeah it was pretty fucking boring. And someone was really pissing me off. *cough* hmm...you stupid boy. Fuck you!
So tomorrow instead of going to pretty much the first home football game, and the first dance, what do I get to do ? Work. Yupp, with fuckhead! Just great! At least I get to hang out with Jess afterwards. That should be fun.
I'm so glad me and Cass have a class together, I love that girl!
Hmm...what else! Oh yeah, the pagent is Sat. and I'm rooting for Jessie G, Linds , Shea, Danielle, and there's one more person..who is it....darnit I can't remember.
Oh well.
So who thinks I should chop off all my hair and die it brown with blonde highlights tomorrow when I get my paycheck ;) *laughs
~jess
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2004 23 September :: 5.13pm
Yay!!! Me and Kate got outta work earlie today. Thank God, it was so hot and Jeff was tackling me every two seconds on break. I swear I'm going to whoop his ass! I hate gay people.
So anyhoo, no homework either. Yay! So me and Kate are going to a stupid soccer game. Grr I hate soccer, it's the gayest sport I've ever watched. Heh, but it has its moments. *laughs
Oh yeah so, Calvin,....hmmm....football game tomorrow....Amy Mercer I love you! heh
~jess
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2004 22 September :: 12.55pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional-Vindicated
But I am cleaning up so well. I now see the things in myself you swore you saw yourself
I stayed home from school today. I still didn't feel good. I woke up at like 6:35 and just put some pants on and brushed my teeth and went and layed on kate's bed. So I just stayed home. I've just been sleeping and watching movies. Fun fun.
I'm so greatful to the Schaubs. Their like family, and they make me feel loved and important, and for that I can't thank them enough. They've welcomed me with open arms, and given me everything I could have ever asked for. And I get to live with my best friend, share each other's clothes, have someone to complain too all the time, someone to do homework with, someone to hang out with all the time, I dont ever have to worry about being bored.
Today I was reading some of my old e-mails, and it's funny how I use to actually feel the way I did. Espically about certain people. Everything happens for a reason right? Or so I'm told. I can't believe I ever thought that I really liked you enough because I thought there was something there. Lol I can't even stand you now. Well I still love fighting with you, but I can't believe how differently I feel about you now. It amazes me how caught up in the moment you can get just to realize later in time, how crazy you were. Makes me think about people more than I use too. How I really feel, or will feel later. I always seem to regreat the feelings I have later on. Because I'm an idiot.
Oh-well, it happens.
I had a dream today while I was taking a nap that Katie came home with Kerri Smith and told me that she couldn't be my friend anymore because I had red hair, so Kerri was her new best friend and I had to move out............a little crazy, I know. Lol but I love Kate to death, I don't know what I'd do without her. She really listens, and she really cares, and I love always having her there when I need her.
And Jess, my little pussy! I love you so much! And I know that you worry about the situation and not having enough time to hit that because we're always so busy lol but you know how much I love you!! So don't let the situation cloud your senses, and what you already know to be true, and that I love you to death, and I'm always here for you, no matter where I am.
I've been talking to my mom a little on and off, and sometimes I just really don't even want to think about it or her, let alone talk to her, because reading e-mails from my mother is just...not cutting it. It's not what I want, it's not what I need, if anything I would expect that from a 14 year old. Not my mother. Then there are times, where I really do miss what I use to have. I miss my baby more than anything. I keep a picture of Pepper next to my bed. *cries* I really do miss her, a lot. My dog..sad huh? Well she's my baby and I miss her. A ton. I have no idea how things are going to turn out. I'm not even close to be ready to try to fix things. I've been trying the past few nights...but really...you tried giving me space, not knowing in a few days you regreat doing that. Now that I've gotten it, just because you're sorry..doesn't mean I am. Doesn't mean I'm ready to forget everything that has been said, everything that's happened over the past couple of years. I have so much hurt, anger, fear, frustration built up inside of me that I don't even know where to start to begin to even find a way of letting it all out just to try to start fixing things. Right now, all I need is space to be myself. For the longest time , day in and day out all you would do is yell at me and acuse me of things you really didn't even know about. You're right anger does make you say things that you don't mean and don't want to say...but to be honest with you, that's not really an exuse, because I'm 15 years old, and even I could bite my tounge longer than you ever could. When I didn't, it was because you pushed me to my limits. You pushed my buttons because you knew exactlly what they were. You knew what would happen, you told me to leave, over and over, and I just never had the guts too, because I never thought I would get anywhere, I wouldn't have anyone left, I would be even more miserable. Then it happened, and you now see that there *are* people willing to take me into their arms and try to do their best at protecting me as long as they can, people who do *really* care about me, and will do so for as long as I need, wether it be asked or not. You now see that you shouldn't have done and said the things you did. Mostly..you now see that you were wrong, and that you do need me.
I want to make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't , keep on giving, go on living with the way things are. So I'm gonna walk away, and it's up to you say...How far. Out of this chair, just across the room half way down the block, or half way to the moon. How farrrrrrrrr? Do I have to go to make you understand, I want to make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't, keep on giving, go on living with the way things are. So I'm gonna walk away, and it's up to you say , I'm gonna walk away, and it's up to you say...how far...........It's up to me now....
Maybe one day things will be ok, maybe they will be just the way I always wanted them to be, maybe ..just maybe one day things will be perfect! But that day isn't today, it won't be tomorrow, and it won't be a day in the next week to come. I love you with all my heart, I do. I always will. Through the fights and the arguments, I always have. But don't you see all the reasons why I can't even talk to you right now? Even now I'm trying to do what you want, to make you happy..talking to you, when really what I NEED what I WANT, isn't to be talking to you, I just want to worry about me. I'm becoming the person you always told me I wasn't. I'm responsiable, I'm honest with myself, I'm caring, I'm dependable, I'm Independent. Wether you said all the things you did out of anger or not, even if that's how you really felt. I still need to be happy for myself, love me, before I can even BEGIN to start thinking about trying to make you happy, by giving you what you want. I need to give myself what I want. I need to give myself what I need, before I can rely on you. If I can again.
There's a chance I might change my mind, but I won't. Not till you decide what you want, what you need, do you even care if I stay or leave. Oh, what's it gonna be
Maybe you really are sorry for telling me to leave, for letting me walk out that door, mayeb you really are sorry..for everything. Doesn't change the fact that Im not ready to help you yet, and I can't tell you when I'm going to be. I'm just begining to just starting to accept it, just beginning to start over and be who I want to be, and just starting to be happy.
There will be days where I don't want to talk at all, and days where I just might need that. But as to when things will be okay again, I don't know. I can't tell you because I don't know. I can't promise you anything, just that I won't totally give up on you.
"I hope you need this now, because I know I sure do, until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you." what do you say to that?
*sigh*
As confused as I am, as lost as I have ever been in my life, for once I actually have hope, and I have faith, and I have love which is all I need.
The only thing I can't give myself everyday, that I definatly need, is a hug.
On a happy note One Tree Hill is on, and i'm starting to feel better.
~jess
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2004 21 September :: 10.31am
:: Mood: sore
Last night I just passed out in on the floor in the computer room. I was so exhausted and took some cold medicine and just got knocked out. It's the first school night that I've ever gone to bed before 9 o'clock. I don't think I'm going to go to work tonight if I still feel this crappy bah. I have to decide if I'm doing powder puff or not, like before school ends cos I told Andy I was going to practice tonight. Gah, I'm stupid. So me and Cass are just sitting doing nothing. I swear I am such a cheater, we just copied everything we were supose to re-write. Oh well lol. I'm gonna go.
~Jess
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2004 20 September :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Ashlee Simpson-Give it up
Today was really shitty. I felt so sick. Everyone has a cold I swear. Everyone! So I still dont' know about powder puff, I really want to do it, but I have to decide by tomorrow's practice wether or not work is more important, and I think it is.
I'm loaded up on drugs so I'm about to pass out.
Night everyone.
Love Jess.
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