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2004 22 November :: 8.59am
Have you ever just felt like you will never be good enough for any of your wishes, or your desires, fantasy's, or even your dreams? Let alone your reality?
I feel like I can be surrounded by a sea of people, yet I still feel as empty and alone as ever.
I take a good hard look around and all I see is everyone that I love living their fairy tales. Like there's a prince for every princess except for me.
It's tearing me apart pieces by peices and theres almost nothing left. No hope, no faith, no dreams, or confidence.
I get lost in lyrics to songs, stories in books, plots in movies, but their all lies, their JUST storys, but I can't help but let me hopes roll of of it, because I don't have story of my own to tell.
I've lost my family, all my friens are happy and I'm not about to ruin it for them just because I can't take care of myself.
I look in the mirror and all I see is this stupid, shallow, vain, insenstitive, selfish, rude, loveless girl with no hope and no future and I each day that passes bye I hate myself more and more for not changing it.
There's three in the hall
From those pictures in the closet
Two in the bedroom
From the night I lost it
And one deep insdie me
Determinded to stay
They don't get any bigger
But they don't go away
Holes in and around me
I keep fallin back into
Holes dig in and surrond me
God knows what I'm gonna do
To fill in these holes left by you
I poured drink after drink
But nothing hut bottom
I've been on my knees
Admitted my problems
The love that we made
Is still brealy an echo
And I'll try anything
In these vacent hallows
There's two trhought my hands
and one through my feet
From this cross that'll bear
Till the day that I see
It's quit and it's blame
It's shame and it's hell
Seeking the truth
I dug them myself.
*Jess
2 do you.♥ |
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2004 21 November :: 9.02pm
Pappy just left. Thanx Jess.I needed you tonight.
1 do you.♥ |
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2004 21 November :: 10.25am
I just have to listen to my own advice. Things will get better with time. I know they will. They have too. There's no where else that they could go. As lonely as I feel, I am going to save myself, and someone will come a long. And life will never be perfect, but the more time that passes by I feel more like family, and I love it more and more here and right now..I don't think I could ever leave it, because it is home and these people ARE family. I love them with all my heart. Blood related or not. The Schaubs are probably 4 of the most loving, greatest people I will ever know. Me and Kate have become best friends, she's like a sister to me, and nothing will ever break us apart after this. Lol we can tolerate each other even while pmsing, that's something.
God, I am so glad we only have two days this week. I would go insane if we didn't. I can't wait for Christmas. I love the Christmas mood with the snow, and Everyone's Christmas lights, that's my fav. part is going through town and seeing everyone's lights, baking, family gatherings, Christmas shopping for everyone, all the good stuff.
<3 Jess
2 do you.♥ |
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glitterkisses
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2004 20 November :: 10.53pm
So this weekend was fun let's count all the ppl who have stopped over
-Cassie Yeo
-Heather Helbling
-Melissa McCall
-Tyler Metzger
-Collin Mull
-Matt Gersheski
-Nate Mulder
-Brent Gunnell
-Noah Clingin
I love you Jean 16. You're short "suprise" is so cute. You're my best friend and I don't know what I'd without my Kabony.
<3 Jess
1 do you.♥ |
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2004 20 November :: 4.43pm
Everyone has one but me :(
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2004 20 November :: 2.58pm
Last night was fun. Collin, Tyler, Cass, and Heather came over. Lol and we went to rent movies and I picked out for us
-Booty call
-The return of Chuckies Wife
-Gacy
-A cinderalla Story
-Bling Bling
-Bringing down the house
Lol booty call and bling bling were awosme. Then Heather and Cass spent the night. Aww I love all them. Last night was fun.
Heh....a lot of fun.
<3 Jess
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glitterkisses
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2004 19 November :: 2.22pm
I'm so happy, and relived. I finally almost have my spread done for Yearbook. I just have to wait for the other pictures to come in just to place two pictures in my boxes. Yay! Finally. That's such a relive. You have no idea. And it turned out so much better than I thought it would.
So this weekend I'm hanging out with Brandon, Going to Natalies with Cassie and Lindsey and everyone on Sat. Then hanging out on Sunday. So this weekend should be good. I'm excited.
Yay I'm just in a good mood I miss my pappy today thought.
OH OH, so last night I went to Save a lot with Kate and bought so many Ramon Noodles at least 200 and then today I bought all the raisons out of the vending machine,a nd we still lost :( aww that's sad. But I feel so great, like that I actually helped someone.
Oh Erika, I love you doll face. :)
<3 Jess Lynn
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2004 18 November :: 7.53pm
I had a good day. Just everything wass good. Me and Jess had a meeting with Aspen and it went really good. I just like doing that sort of stuff, and I'm totally comfortable chatting my head off with total strangers. Crazy I know lol. Then after school Will came over and we talked and he watched Joe Dirt with me. I love Willma and I honeslt do not know what I would do without him. He's my best guy friend in the world. And he's the funniest, loving, teddybear in the world. Then I went over to Will's then I went over to Mulders. I just had fun. ...uh yeah, definatly...think he's cute. lol Dont kill me kate ;) i love you kabony!
Jess
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2004 16 November :: 3.29pm
All is well with the world. No more crying.
Jess, Will, Katie, I love you.
AND LINDS!!!!
5 do you.♥ |
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2004 16 November :: 1.40pm
JUST TALK TO ME UGHS FKAJSDF;LKAJSD
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2004 16 November :: 9.10am
Last night Kate slept with me downstairs, and we just sat and talked about everything on our minds till we fell asleep after ...like midnight. And I can't even begin to tell you or explain to you how nice it was to just get everything off my chest. I just told her everything, about everything. The things that were bugging me and making me mad, and angry, and sad, and happy, and frustrated, annoyed, anxious, just everything. I thinkw eboth just need a break. A break away from this school, from the teachers, homework, quizes, tests, assignments, the guys, the bitchy friends, the rumors, the gossip, the bull shit, all the lies, the drama. Just time away from stuff. Away from people, away from stress. Away from our lifes. I don't know what I would do with Kbony. She's always there for me, no matter what happens, no matter what's going on, she's sticking by my side, and I love you Kate, more than I can explain to you. Jean 16 and Lynn Wildwood will be tight bitches who lite their titties on fire till the day they get run over. ;)
<3Jess
1 do you.♥ |
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2004 15 November :: 9.39pm
I'm sorry Will and I love you.
Jess I love you and I'm sorry, we need to talk, and I can't go on dealing with this shitty life w/ out you. I need you in my life.
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2004 15 November :: 8.54pm
Stop your bitching and complaining you have a good life. You asshole.
Don't pretend like we're tight, because you know deep down you don't even really feel that way, you just have no one else. So don't even pretend, because do you honestly think I'm even going to treat you like my best friend? Uh, definatly not.
Don't be so selfish.
Get a grip on your life.
Get over yourself, and stop thinking evertyhing revolves around your god damn self, and that everything is JUST about you, because it's definatly not.
Oh, and kiss my ass!
(Jess, don't think this is about you, cos it's definatly not, at all. promise.)
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2004 15 November :: 2.44pm
ugh i hate cedar springs i hate it i hate it i hate it!!! I hate everything about it. The people the smells, the scrubby town sidewalks, the run down shops, the school, and fucked up kids inside of it, I hate ittttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ughh asdkfjal;ksj;laksjfdlk;dfj;l If I have to deal with this shit for two more years I'll honestly shoot myself right in the fucking head.
2 do you.♥ |
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2004 15 November :: 10.58am
How bad do I want to get out of this school. It's really not the people, or the regular gossip, or outrageous drama...it's the wait. I know I still have two years left. I don't want to wait that long, I can't wait that long. I really cannot stand high school anymore. Some people say it's the best time of their lifes, it's were you meet your best friends for the rest of your life, blah blah blah. Yeah , I've met friends that I do truely love deep down. That mean a lot. But only a few. I probably will never see more than two or three of you after high school again ever in my life. None of this crap in high school is going to matter after I graduate. I wish I was 18, because I would seriously take summer classes this coming summer, so that I would be finished, and then start College in the fall. The more and mroe I think about college, my life after I get out of here, the less and less I care about how things are, how things go. I just feel like this place makes me so immature, and so stupid, and my thoughts and ideas aren't accounted for, because none if it matters when you're a 16 year old cocky, bitch sitting in a classroom. I just want to get away from cedar, move on, to someplace where I WANT to be, someplace where I can start living and devolping the life that I want for myself, not the life I was born into and someone chose for me. I don't like Cedar, I wouldn't ever want to live here. It's too small, it's too quiet, it's too...full of people that I don't like. My history's here, my memories, I don't want something someone picks off a shelf for me. I have my own wants, and goals, and things I want to accomplish, and I can't do any of those things here. I feel so stuck. And I hate it. And it constantly runs through my head, making me hate everything here so much more than I already do.
I kind of feel like all that was for nothing, and it kind of makes me sick to my stomach that you don't care at all. That you're just even more concerned about what caused most of this to begin with. It makes me so angry, so sick to my stomach that I get this feeling that I've honestly never felt before. I'm starting to not care about the situation, but I would never be able to pull off not caring for you. That I will always do. No matter how angry I get. I hate you for not caring about me. For being happy without me. I don't care how that makes me sound to anyone because anyone isn't my concern. You are, were. And I hate you for not caring.
I woke up this morning, with this feeling inside me that I can't explain. Like a weight that I've carried been carried away. But I know that something is coming, I don't know what it is. But I know it's amazing, can save me, my time is coming, I'll find my way out, of this longest drought. I reat life like a picture but it's not a moment that's frozen in time. It's not gonna wait till I make up my mind at all. So while that strom is breakin while there's lifght at the end of the tunnel, I keep running towards it, releasing the pressure thats my heartache. Soon this dam will break.
I guess it just doesn't matter.
*PS*
I Love Kelli!
"Don't forget that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy and pretending to be smart, doesn't make you smart." That qoute....I tell ya.... makes more sense to me than some of the poeple I've know all my life do.
BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I hate Cedar Springs!
<3 Jess Lynn
10 do you.♥ |
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2004 12 November :: 10.31pm
I stood there thinking as I said goodbye. Today's the first day of the rest of my life. I'm going to stop looking back, and start moving on. Learn how to face my fears, Love with all of my heart, and make my mark. I want to leave something here. I want to live, that's what I want to be about. I want to be running, when then sand runs out. Because people do it everyday, promise themselves that their gonna change. I've been there. But I'm changing from the inside out. That was then, and this is now. When they carve my stone they'll write the words "Here lys a girl who lived life for all it's worth."
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2004 11 November :: 6.57pm
The only thing I've accomplished tonight is re-doing my journal. It's looks pretty good.
2 do you.♥ |
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2004 11 November :: 3.28pm
So I had a pretty good birthday lol. Joey got me by far the best present haha lol. It made my day. Can't tell ya how many times people asked me about that present lol. Oh well, all out of love right. Kate and Jenny are taking me to party tomorrow. Me and Kate are driving up to CMU so it should be fun, and people are coming over tonight for my birthday. :) I had a good day. I cannot believe that you wouldn't wish me a happy birthday, but then again why does it matter because after today, I definatly don't give a fuck, ever again.
Jess
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2004 9 November :: 7.25pm
I just watched Super Size me with Kate, and I swear to God on my life, you will no see me eating the rest of this week. I feel so gross, and I just want to puke.
3 do you.♥ |
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2004 9 November :: 9.24am
ugh I'm such an idiot. I knew I shouldn't have just skipped 2nd hour. Ugh.
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2004 7 November :: 7.13pm
So today was fun. Me, Kate, Jenny, and the Mom went shopping. It was fun. I got a new cell phone. MY NEW NUMBER IS 648-3771, don't call my old number cos Jess owns that phone now. But we went shopping and i bought some cute shit. But yeah...that's pretty much is , call me on my cell phone :) it'll make me happy
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2004 3 November :: 1.19pm
I just ugh somedays I'm just so drained from everything.
I really don't want to get in the middle of anything. That's the worse place to be. I just want everything to be okay, because that's what I'm use too.
So yeah last night was good, I talked to both of them. Friday me and Katie will probably go over there and Sat. I'm sure
I'll hang out with him On sat. and then I 'm gonna hag out with Cass whens he gets back from state
kjdflkajsdflkjasdfkl;asdlkfjaslkdfjaslkdjfalksdfm
Joel's being gay.
Jess
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2004 1 November :: 5.53pm
So I checked all my grades today and they're all up there. :) yay! The only classes I was too concerned about were Yearbook and Anatomy, but suprsingly I have a C+ in Anatomy and it'll go up tomorrow after my test, and yearbook I finished my photo project so now I have a 94 which I believe is an A. Bomb, I had an okay day. I was just relaly sleepy, and some ppl were really pissing me off. I hate jerks, I really do. I'm only mean to ppl who are assholes to begin with, I'm never mean to innocent, sweet, nice ppl. It espically pisses me off when ppl are mean to my friends, that just rubs me the wrong way, and saying shit about them and their sanity, ugh strikes a nerve and I honstly almost socked you in the face. No one talks about my friend, or any one of my friend slike that. No one. I don't who the hell you are. You can kiss my ass if you're going to be like that, and if you think you can just get away with being an ass and doing that shit you're Sadly SADLY mistaking, because that's it once you've blown it, you're outta the picture. After all the shit I dealt with last year, NO ONE will walk all over me and get away with it. I hold grudges, and thats it. It's done. People need to learn to keep their God damn mouths shut espically about people they don't even know, let alone what's going on with them.
***********************************God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change those I can,and the wisdom to know the difference*
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So my birthday is in ten days. Woo I'll be 16 woot woot! lol Wow that's pathetic, and I won't even be able to drive, so I'm going to be depressed. Good thing my brithdays on a Thursday and we have the following Friday off. I'm going to party like mad, have my own party lol :) So you better not forget my Birthday is the 11th of this month! I WILL LOVE ANYONE FOREVER IF THEY GET ME A PUPPY (PREFARBLY A GOLDEN LAB, BUT A PUPPY OF ANY KIND WORKS FOR ME ;) LOL THANX. Get right on that ;)
~Jess
4 do you.♥ |
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2004 31 October :: 4.48pm
So I would do anything for a puppy, even kill someone espically if it was someone that I uh, hate? Prefarably a golden lab, but w/e a puppy is a puppy.
Awww I want one so bad.... :(
3 do you.♥ |
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2004 31 October :: 4.41pm
Surpass your grudges, forget the past, but remember the lessons, hold on to keepers tight, and kick the useless people and storys to the curb.
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2004 31 October :: 12.03pm
I had the best Halloween I've ever had. Me and Kate went shopping and went all out. Katie and Katie were twins, fluffers ;) and I was the sluttest little hot devil in the world :) lol. So we all got ready over here then we went over to barker's and then up to Rosie's and helped them close and clean up. Then we went back over to Barker's, took off for Emmory's party...I think, the one in Sparta?I SAW JENNA ;) and Jessica and Jeff W was my pimp. He had a red suit and was a devil, so he was my pimp daddy. ;) Which was fun. Then went to Travis's brother's party, back to Emmory's and me and Kate danced on the dance floor like the biggest sluts, but you know..I coudln't help it. I was nuts and out of it and having fun. I really didn't care. It was a good time. Then we went back to Barkers lol and accidentaly left Casey in Sparta lol oops...what can ya do. Noah just went and got him for us. So the whole night was a blast. Couldn't have been any funnier. Besides this morning Amanda Dabaja walks in and sees me and Brent sleeping in his bed together and I'm wearing all his clothes..and nothing was even happening I was just sleeping in a bed and wearing comfy clothes instead of a slutty skirt and I swear I thought she was gonna kick my ass. It's always nice to get McDonalds bags thrown at you and the person your sharing a bed with. Lol oh well what can ya do. Minor Detail lol. I still had a GREATTTT time. I love Halloween!
~Jess
1 do you.♥ |
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2004 30 October :: 10.45am
I need to make up my mind on stuff before I actually say I'm going to do them, or think in my head that's how i really feel.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
If only they knew about what was thought of last night. You'd be so mad too.
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2004 29 October :: 11.47pm
ughhhhhhhhhhakjdkajkljalkjf are u fucking kidding me?!?!
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2004 29 October :: 1.15pm
Ugh I'm so mad sooo sooo soo mad. I'm just yelling and screaming inside!I just want to crawl into bed every single night and just die, never fucking wake up and see who the hell would actually give a flying fuck. Every day just becomes worse and worse. The more I try to act happy, it just gets worse because I'm not fucking happy!!! I hate myself, and I hate life....fkasjdfklajs;dlkfja Anatomy was good, and Drama was good. Then I was a bitch. I just don't care!!! But I carea bout that!!! kdjkflkasjdfklajsdklfjklj I swear I'm going to snap. Just one of these times something is going to happena nd I'm going to just emotionally break down and go crazy.
dvlksdjflkasjdfkljasdf
*SCREAMS
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2004 28 October :: 9.47pm
What the Fuck!?!?! Honestly I am SO fucking sick of people's bullshit! I could just fucking die. I swear it was just three in a row, My mom, and then a friend, and another friend. What the fuck
askdfjakdjflkajkajkljkfjadsf
FUCKING JUST UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Don't do this because one day when we fight like this mom I'm going to do something and you're going to regreat it I swear to God on my life.
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