::
2011 16 May :: 3.41am
:: Music: Mean - Taylor Swift
It's those things you hate about yourself that someday someone would love about you.
I don't understand why I'm getting calls, just to say hello or goodnight. I'm finding myself overanalyzing this stupid situation over and over and getting nowhere. I love the sound of his voice, it makes me all warm and cozy. And the cute birthday voicemail I got last night from him. Why must we play games? I'm over this stage in my life; we're adults and he needs to grow up and figure his shit out. It's not like I'm putting forth much effort to stop this so-called 'friendship'. I just want life to be RIGHT again. Right.
Let's update.
1. I am sore.
2. I have a bruised eye, a scraped knee, a knot on my spine, a lump on my boob, and I can't really move.
3. Going along with #1 and 2, when I poke my body it feels bruised.
4. Everywhere
5. Don't remember hardly anything about my 22nd. Rach had the best surprise ever- we were getting ready and Jen and Scott walked in with Bridgette, Jill, and Tony!!!
6. It was THE shit.
7. I got very intoxicated.
8. Hence I don't really remember much of the night.
9. The stories are funny though, got kicked out of Sneaks like 4 times... Kim tackled me in the parking lot. And punched Helwig in the face.
Regret nothing regret nothing regret nothing. I don't regret anything. Even being on probation. But I regret Mousseaus decision, oh so much. :( it's so loud inside my head. WTF. That's on my mind. WTF. WTF Mousseau ;( damn heartache is what you cause me. :( sad kel. Single kel, sad single kel, single single, how I despise being single. Hate it. Hate it so much I could scream. Single. I am SINGLE.
So I'm a little tipsy and I'm sad. I could scream my guts out right now. I'm just so sad :( soooo drunkenly sad :( it's my birthday. Sad kel :( sad sad sad :(
::
2011 13 May :: 10.21am
:: Music: Words I never said- lupe fiasco ft skylar grey
Oh kel :(
So I am definitely sure about my insomnia returning being due to Moose. Isn't this ridiculous? I've woken up every morning for the past two weeks around 6 or 7, then I'll doze on and off until 10. I was cured... I had been sleeping like a baby and now I'm stressed and confused and lost. Again. And I gave my melatonin to Shawna. Basically, I'm pissy because I got dumped unwillingly.
I can't even stress how awful I feel and how badly this sucks. I've been lying here for two hours. :(
::
2011 12 May :: 11.45pm
:: Mood: Still bummed
:: Music: Mean- Taylor Swift
You can't just go around hurting people like that.
Another day gone. I honestly hate this single bullshit. I'm pissed and bummed and annoyed and hurt and all of these emotions rolled into one heaping, weeping mess of a girl. I was NEVER one to let a guy get me so far down. I just feel like I wasted my time. And that sounds so horrible because I wouldn't change a single second of time I spent with him. He is a treasure.
But I am also a treasure. I'm so content with who I am it scares me. I know I'm fun and nice and beautiful and it just doesn't even matter. Obviously everyones perception of me is whack, because I keep hearing these things over and over and I can't help but wonder why the ONLY one I want to care enough doesn't, why I keep giving these people my all and I just get tore down in the end. I just think he took the easy way out. Life isn't easy, there's no help button you click, there's no magic advice ball to use. Life is complicated and horrendous and you get OVER these hurdles and they make you stronger to accomplish the things in life that you are fated to do.
And I know, I know, that I need to take my own damn advice but never have I ever felt this way. That instant connection that I felt, the connection that when I'd be in a piss poor mood and someone would say Moose, I'd feel FABULOUS.
Regardless, I will be strong and stop breaking down. I am kel. Somehow I always bounce back...
::
2011 11 May :: 9.23am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Story of Us- Taylor Swift
Another heartbreak for Kel
The greatest irony of life is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone after that person walks out from your life and sometimes you think you're already over a person but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love; love is always present. It's just the one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little as we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love only to discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger.
Here's a piece of advice: let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough and move on when things are not like before. There is someone out there who will love you even more, surely then, you will know true love.
this weekend will be the 6th weekend in a row Ive gone out all night and come home on the first train in the morning. Im not entirely sure how I feel about that.
I had a dream last night that I went to a bar with my friend Benedict. I paid 2000 yen at the door, got my wristband and two tickets, and entered. When I got in, a fat lady with a poorly shaped bob haircut and thick horn-rimmed glasses stops me and asks me for proof that I had paid. I show her my wristband but she says, `that proves nothing`. I pull out one of the two tickets I had and I get the same response, followed by the other only to yet again hear how useless it is. She starts chuckling and I say, `what do I have to do to prove to you that I paid?`. She grins and replies `Tim should have given you what you need.`
`Then Ill go find time`
`Tim wont give it to you now, Im sure`
She is laughing hysterically and Im getting incredibly frustrated at this point. I start cursing in Japanese, to which she responds with laughter.
`Its no use really` she says and continues laughing, her belly jiggling rythmycally.
Its then that I pull out a Colt .357, cock it, aim at her face, and pull the trigger. I hear nothing but see a flash of white, at which point I wake up in a cold sweat.
what does this mean?
For a reality update, Im still alive. Thats nice yeah?
this is the point in time where I usually pack it in and say fuck it.
but fuck that.... not this time bitches.
the question is is it really worth the effort its going to take? and on top of that, the amount of emotional energy its going to consume?
I really dont understand the situation at all, but clearly somethings going to have to give.
its so easy to give up when its two ways, but its so difficult to capitulate when its one sided.... why is that? I dont really have anything to prove, and theoretically speaking, Im sitting pretty otherwise. Its like Im 18 again... I dont like me at 18...
Happy Lunghnasadh
Hello again Woohu. Life for me has been hell for the past month. I feel like I've been broken down into my base elements with only myself to look to for re assemblage. It hasn't killed me yet at least. The good news is that I've become a better person because of it. Here's to new beginnings, and the growth that we've seen in the past year. Happy first harvest festival.
Sean was on the fritz and I don't think I've ever really seen him that heartbroken.
I tried to make it better but I think I just fueled the fire.
I feel bad.
But I think he'll be ok.
I don't know.
I hope he will be.
I have an overwhelming sense to vomit.
I don't feel well at all.
And I hate my make up, it makes my eyes water.
All the time.
Everyday.
It sucks.