rina
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2007 29 January :: 10.44pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: a promise to return - bear mccreary
transposition
she is unsure how to begin, and tries, inexpertly, to bring all the pieces together, finding how mapped hearts can draw lines from one place and tangle in another. strings, crossing paths, and then forever expelled in the opposite direction.
she is too young to feel this old, and she sighs, and the dim light from the windows are making the room glow at the edges.
2 changed the world |
dream
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rina
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2007 21 January :: 11.02pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: you gotta feel it - spoon
it's a long way home
sneezing with a thermometer in your mouth = uncool.
(i am not dependable. these responsibilities of mine give me both purpose and the ability to fail.)
dream
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rina
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2007 16 January :: 9.42pm
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: sun, sun, sun - the elected
postcards from the beach
she stands quietly (fidgeting, fingers curling against the hem of her shirt) and listens to the breeze rushing by. she thinks it might be like a whisper against her skin (cliched/overrated/underused), like fingertips trailing across her cheekbones, and rippling against her clothes like a lover's careful touch.
the sand is whipped from the ground, and the crashing of waves is like cymbals, heralding a coming storm, a coming end, a coming something. (her ears are ringing; there were fireworks the night before).
she is waiting (forever waiting, the kind that makes her chest ache with the force of it) and she is accepting (not really) and she is understanding (impossible). she is calm.
(her heart is pounding.)
maybe. maybe, but lost, but hope is still within her. (just this once, just this once, just this once.)
she breathes, and the cold rushes in, crushing her lungs, inflating her doubt. (i thought you'd come this time).
the wind wraps around her slowly and she leans into it, feeling for something that is not meant to be.
(maybe next year, she decides.)
i love you, she says into the air, and she closes her eyes against the salty breath of the sea.
dream
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rina
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2007 10 January :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: closing in - imogen heap
i hope that you make it
life is good.
it's hectic and frustrating and stressful, causes loss of sleep and gain in exhaustion, perpetually stays a lightyear ahead of where you ought to be, and is continually full of surprises.
and it's good. i've had more work this week than almost any other, but i have laughed more in the past few days than i did in the past two months.
i accept the trade-off, life. thank you.
dream
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rina
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2007 4 January :: 9.39pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: leave the earth behind you and take a walk in the sunshine - ballboy
are you happy, with your life?
i am more popular with people thousands of miles away!
in other news, i am already itching for summer. i'm going to try to stay in sweden for as long as humanly possible, because i have been aching desperately for it.
(jag längtar efter blå himmel, och gröna skogg, och att känna helt perfekt.)
dream
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rina
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2007 4 January :: 2.37am
:: Mood: unsurprised
:: Music: eight flew over, one was destroyed - mew
you want to see what lies can set you free
it always seems to happen this way.
the only difference is i'm not going to waste any time on it.
(i don't really have many friends. closeness is belied by selfishness.)
dream
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rina
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2006 25 December :: 1.36pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: gollum's song - howard shore
merry christmas, guys. :)
1 changed the world |
dream
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rina
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2006 14 December :: 4.57pm
:: Mood: surprised
:: Music: young bride - midlake
WHAT IS GOING ON?
i created a deviantart account not fifteen minutes ago. i uploaded three of my most recent pieces (two vectors and a sketch i did in class) and i've already got 3 favorites! within ten or so minutes!
the universe is imploding, i swear to fucking god.
dream
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rina
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2006 10 December :: 6.00pm
:: Music: satin chic - goldfrapp
there is life, and there is love, and i think i'm just beginning to understand that.
2 changed the world |
dream
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rina
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2006 10 December :: 2.07am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: green wing
i feel i must warn you, you've just kissed a sick-y mouth.
i've watched so much that it's come to the point where every thought in my head is said in a rather london-type accent. (it happens to range from billie piper to tasmin greig, depending how long its been since i've thought of either doctor who or green wing).
and it's not even the fact that its english accent in my head, its the fact that i can now somewhat distinguish certain dialects.
london, for example, has a habit of exchanging their th's with f's, while the more northern accent is better at dropping consonants near the end of words. leeds is a bit broader, really, and manchester has a bit of scottish since it's so close to scotland (obviously).
i also use more british-type turns of phrase which i feel almost accustomed to. and when mentioning if something's gone a bit pear-shaped, normally folk just give an arch of their brow and ignore me.
odd, really.
dream
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rina
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2006 9 December :: 10.56pm
:: Mood: perfect
:: Music: gorecki - lamb
if i should die this very moment, i wouldn't fear
i feel the most free when i am covered in paint.
especially when it is in the most impossible places:
behind my right ear, on the soft skin under my knee, the uneven edge of my tooth.
dream
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rina
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2006 27 November :: 12.01am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: summer in the city - regina spektor
vanity, not love, has been my folly.
five things you may or may not know about me;
01. whenever i sneeze, i automatically think of the way chlorine smells, and sometimes its so overwhelming it feels as if i've swallowed pool water.
02. every time i read the book pride and prejudice by jane austen, it gets continually harder and harder for me to put down. this is accompanied by an irrational happiness and a warmth that radiates from my chest.
03. being involved in the doctor who/torchwood fandom is more important to me than schoolwork. i wish this weren't true, but i honestly put off all my ap euro so i could sit and start my own tw comm, the torchwood music project.
04. my preference in company changes according to how well i fake happiness in my first class of the day. if it goes over well, i end up having a decent day despite the work load. if someone sees through it, i remain detatched and hardly speak to anyone for the rest of the day.
05. i keep an entire folder of internet bookmarks entitled 'things that make me feel awesome.' these are random occurences throughout the internet in which i am either mentioned in a pleasant way, praised for something i've done (mostly having to do with art/writing), or contains information of any kind about the carina nebula.
1 changed the world |
dream
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rina
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2006 13 November :: 10.20pm
:: Mood: infuriated
a;sldk
fuck.
i have this seething rage sitting inside my chest, and its traveling up my throat, waiting for some kind of sound to follow it out into the air.
i don't even have words to describe it. its just this hot, angry thing taking residence within me and i want to fucking tear someone's eyes out.
everything i make comes out distorted and disgusting. i have some sort of cancer thats killing anything i come into contact with.
ASDLKFJZXCIWfSDFJLASD245CMKASROIFOJAISDMFLASD.
1 changed the world |
dream
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rina
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2006 17 October :: 12.26am
:: Mood: hurt
:: Music: the shape of things - bear mccreary
when the bad moon in your heart sings
i am losing a tooth, and the way it pushes through my gums, it mostly feels like life. it is a continuous ache, and the pain goes mostly unheeded, but i've discovered that blood is bitter on tongues.
this may or may not account for the preoccupation i've had with mouths as of late. how some of my questions are chased with a nervous laugh or two. how i can feel words kept hidden behind my teeth when i most want them heard. how i might have a fondness of lopsided smiles.
i often find myself feeling used or unoriginal.
i am convinced, however, that the way homemade apple cider warms your chest and tastes like autumn; it is the only way october should be spent.
dream
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rina
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2006 26 September :: 12.03am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: the winner is - mychael danna/devotchka
listen to this.
feel better. live happier. love unashamedly.
tell me if it makes any difference for you. i cannot imagine how these waves might reverberate in another's ears because the beats are in accordance with my heart and each tone created i can feel to my toes.
2 changed the world |
dream
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rina
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2006 21 September :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: cue the pulse to begin - burnside project
i can hear all the whispers that have lived a thousand years
when you are sick, you are timeless, and it is both incredibly freeing and severely jarring. this past week has felt epic and miniscule, as if someone has been unweaving the threads of time and then stitching them back together out of sequence.
i am concerned with my lack of motivation towards anything having to do with academia and i keep insisting that its this illness still trapped within my body. and although aching ears and blocked nasal passages and rasping throats may cause sluggishness, i doubt i've been so extremely indifferent since sometime around april.
it is increasingly odd, too, since i finally have a clear idea of what i will be doing with my future and still i refuse to accomplish anything that will hasten me towards any goals.
words have also changed their shape, and sometimes my mouth feels uncomfortable straining over their strange angles as they leave me in a rush of breath.
dream
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rina
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2006 17 September :: 9.56pm
two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year
i hate you, sometimes.
dream
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rina
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2006 16 September :: 3.24pm
:: Mood: surprised
:: Music: curuncula - psapp
we have only ourselves to blame
for the past few days i have either been experiencing some powerful deja vu, or everyone has gotten incredibly predictable.
dream
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rina
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2006 13 September :: 6.40pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: wish you were here - rasputina
running over the same old ground
she called us historians once, and i could almost hear myself swelling in pride.
and yesterday while writing an in-class essay on macbeth, i thought the ending result would be terrible because although i love literature, analyzing shakespeare is a different experience all together.
i got an a, however, while the rest of my classmates got d's.
and then i felt selfish and disgusting thinking that i was any good at writing, because the amount of shit i got about it was unbelievable.
i've gained some of my confidence back, though, and i'm going to try and hold onto it the best i can. i have to finish reading the mayor of casterbridge in two days, so i'm going to sit and make myself get through a few chapters tonight.
dream
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rina
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2006 1 September :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: drained
not
i am not here, you think. this is not happening.
hospitals are a shitty way to die, you think, and now the smell of formaldehyde is soaking into your clothes so as not to let you forget, and when you look around everything is busy and everything is motionless.
the only thing you can even reason with at the moment is that the walls are too white, too clinical, and you think they should've added a window or wallpaper or something to just cover up the fucking bleak feeling that's seeping through. and that's when you remember that white means death in eastern cultures, and you wish the synapses in your head would stop popping and sparking, because you really think this is the wrong fucking time for trivia.
the chair you're sitting in is made out of the most uncomfortable carpet-like material you've never had the chance to experience and you think its just another way to be distracted from the real issue.
and the real issue is--
no, you think. i am not here, and this is not happening.
you think you remember a story you heard once when you were young, when your mother fed you tales about magic frogs and kisses of life and happy endings, and your fingers are itching to smash something. they all had morals, you think, and the thought causes your stomach to seize up with red-hot rage.
they were all fucking dreams and you feel like hitting the rewind on your life so you can tell your stupid, idealistic, five-year-old self that no, real life is not ponies and castles and cotton candy. real life is--
you still want to smash something.
there's a storm brewing on the edge of your consciousness now, and you're sure if you continue to reject the current reality of the situation --
i am not here. this is not happening. this is not not not not happening.
its a mantra and you've got it fucking down pat. this, you think, is not. happening.
the doctor slips through the door and then shuts it gently, his eyes are staring resolutely forward and you think you can see his chin lift as if he's about to do something he rather wouldn't do. he pseudo-skims a clipboard in his hands and you think he's trying to readjust the look on his face so it will instead become an impenetrable mask of medicine. this is not fucking happening.
his mouth opens and god god god not not not---
"they're going to make it," and oh.
it is.
dream
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rina
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2006 27 August :: 5.19pm
:: Mood: helpless
i am empty.
this is some sort of catharsis, and i am sick of it. i feel emotionally stunted. i keep drinking water to try and fill the void, but it runs deeper than i originally thought and only succeeds in making me nauseous.
dream
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rina
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2006 21 August :: 12.34am
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: on the radio - regina spektor
this is how it works:
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you try until you can't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath
no, this is how it works:
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some
someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again
- regina spektor
i honestly couldn't have said it better myself.
i hope everyone is doing well these days.
dream
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rina
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2006 8 August :: 7.17pm
:: Mood: surreal
:: Music: seven days - azure ray
and the nights just blend into the morning
i am in love with the late afternoons of august.
they are warm and golden and lovely.
1 changed the world |
dream
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rina
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2006 2 August :: 6.15am
:: Mood: productive
:: Music: life in mono - mono
drowning past regrets in tea and cigarettes
i'm so fucking exhausted.
i've been working on a revamp of my website all night. its lightyears better in quality than my last layout, considering i started it when i was a freshman or sophomore.
so, here's a sneak peak.
i'm just... fuck.
sometimes i freaking hate coding, but after all the work i put into photoshop, this thing is going to be a breeze.
there's school in a week, and i couldn't be any less prepared if i tried.
7 changed the world |
dream
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rina
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2006 13 June :: 11.06pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: why don't you do right? - rasputina
how could we know change was constant?
hesitations.
a fraction of how we used to be
is slipping into future conversations
slowly sabotaging our tongues into
forming half-meant words and
unknown emotions
and how are we fighting?
indifference and the smallest hint
of lacking any passion.
so this is how it will end,
in age-old arguments
and misinterpretations.
when we glimpsed our end
from the very very beginning,
who knew it would be so close?
dream
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rina
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2006 12 June :: 1.49pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: hello resolven - beulah
kill of the king, kill off the queen. its over, its over, its over.
i love when your normal everyday friend becomes your must-tell-everything-to friend.
when you find some common, amazing interest that allows phone calls to end in bellows of laughter, and e-mails to be typed in all caps.
and you know without a doubt, that if you tell this person something,
they will not judge or ridicule you. they will keep what you say, and will cheer you up infinitely with the silliest words.
i'm so glad to have met you.
dream
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rina
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2006 8 June :: 1.55am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: gavottes i & ii - hagi, feat. furukawa nobuo
and the seasons went rolling into summer
i feel like there's this endless amount of hours i keep filling up with nothing. i'm already sick of the summer work for next year and i'm aching to get out of this place.
a few days ago i had this incredibly vivid dream where one of my bottom teeth cracked and fell apart. i put the pieces in my hand and was distressed about it. when i went to show my mother my misfortune, she replied that there wasn't really anything she could do about it, and that i should've gone to the dentist straight away.
i was clearly upset with her reasoning and began arguing over ridiculous things, most of them i have a hard time remembering.
it was really frustrating, the entire dream, and when i woke up i was left with this kind of festering anger, like when you fight with someone right before you go to sleep.
except in the middle of the day, after i woke up, i was eating cereal and realized that i did in fact have all of my teeth.
the thought of missing my tooth just carried over into my actual life and i just kind of.. accepted it.
i'm having a hard time sleeping, again, which is entirely aggravating since i'm not under huge amounts of stress at all. i wake up, read a bit, do some photoshop, and clean up around the house.
also, congratulations planet! you survived 6-6-06.
i didn't think anything would happen, but apparently a lot of people thought satan was going to eat their children.
good lord.
1 changed the world |
dream
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rina
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2006 21 May :: 10.47am
:: Mood: content
so,
yesterday was one of the best birthdays that i have ever had.
2 changed the world |
dream
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rina
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2006 14 May :: 10.27pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: dawn - p&p
h-h-h-heartattack!
i don't think i will ever be content with what i do.
i was painting today,
and i was cursing my hands.
everytime i create something, i have this innate ability to make myself think its absolutely hideous.
ie: my latest painting. (this is a much larger version.)
i think its, well,
awful. on many kinds of levels.
its 9x12 and oil. and hideous.
the only thing i like doing anymore is writing, and i'm not even good at it.
5 changed the world |
dream
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