my boyfriend just threw his shoe at the wall in a fit of anger. hmm and apparently he hates me. what do i do.
crap.
but i still got flowers....???
explain?
but i still have a "pooch" so i still am pretty much worth nothing.
i wish i lived on Grey's Anatomy and George married me in Vegas instead of Callie. Nothing against her, she is great and pretty andfunny and smart but I wanted to be George's wife and now it will never happen. Unless they get a divorce, but then I'd feel too bad for Callie that I couldn't marry George... or maybe I could. I want to be a hot surgeon dating a hot surgeon. Meredith and Derrick though would get on my nerves sooo bad. I love Meredith but I hate her when she's with Derrick and when she says "LOVE ME, PICK ME, CHOOSE ME." annnnnoooyyyinnnggg.
Marry me George and we can do surgeries together. Jessica O'Malley. That's so much better than any other potential name.
i am so angry. i try and try and try to please that STUPID woman who for the majority of the time that i have known her has been nothing but rude hurtful and mean to me. i have lately been gettting along with her but it always happens that we are starting to be better and then she turns around and is a huge bitch.
we were gonna go sledding and she was brining us snow clothes and she says " i'm brining a woman's size 8, i figured that would fit jess" and roman's like yeah probably with all the clothes on and stuff and he says "what size do you wear" and i'm like "a 6 or 7" and she says "i figured an 8 would fit her . she's been packing on the pounds. she was scaring me, i thought she was pregnant. is she pregnant? yeah she's been gaining weight she's got a pooch. but she knows it. yeah she 's been packing on the pounds"
and so i immediately start crying. i haven't been called fat since i was in 1st great and my great great aunt thelma said it. bitch.
what a fucking bitch. like she has any right to talk. she's fucking like 300 pounds. i'm nothing but nice to her. and then she says shit like that. you dont say that to a fucking girl. sorry nope. i finally FINALLY have gotten to the stage where i am beginning to accept myself just me for me. i have been getting used to my imperfections and telling myself that i'm OKAY the way i am but nooo that fat bitch has to go and say shit like that and get me feeling self consious again. STUPID BITCH.
so i wanna go home and roman wont take me. we get in this huge fight. roman starts driving he wants me to get out of his car. i wont . i think we're going home. he calls his mom and says we're not coming. the bitch tries to talk to me on the phone and i say psh no i'm not talking to anyone leave me alone "oh she wasn't saying you were fat blah blah blah " i'm like 'YEAH RIGHT? HOW ELSE CAN YOU SAY I'M FAT WITHOUT ACTUALLY SAYING THE WORDS. what other synnonems (sp) can you think of? i'm not rude to her, she has NO RIGHT to be so rude to me" and i hope she heard me say all of that. she deserves to be CALLED out once in a while for all her fucking little comments. she thinks she is queen of the mother fucking world and that her opinion matters so much that no one has a right to get mad when she says shit like that.
stupid fucking cunt bitch go fall down a flight of stairs you fucking bitch.
i am so fucking done.
does anyone else think it's a little fucking out of line. i'm so sick of it.
The only problem I have with any minority is that they continually go on about how they want equality (by which I mean equal seats in government, business, schooling). They want half of the pie. the problem is, why would you give half of the pie to 30% of the population. That means the other 70% is only gettin half. Now that's not very fair is it? Young minorities are trained by their parents that everyone is out to get them, especially the white man. So they respectably honor their own traditions ( no foul play there), but in turn feel as though it is their mission in life to push this tradition on others, and when we don't want to be a part necessarily, it's racism. The minorities of the past suffered immensly, and today these people should be educated about it, as "white people" are educated about horrible things we've done about minorities, i.e. hitler, slavery, etc.... ( by the way, fuck howard zin, he goes on the incesent rants about how we aren't educated and we don't know anything about how awful of people we are). I feel no need to apologize for what someone did 200 years ago. I don't have the same mind set, feeling, or faith as those people, so why should I feel bad? In fact, I'd rather not associate with them at all. Maybe I should turn myself green, then people will leave me alone.
Basically, everyone needs to shutup, deal with what they have, and make more valuable educated decisions about what we, (majority or minority), do in the future.
today on the highway it was way busy and i couldn't get over in the left lane for some people who were merging but i figured we'd be okay and just kind of window each other and we'd all be fine, so that plan worked out. everyone was able to squeeze in but then a few cars ahead of me they all breaked suddenly and by breaked i mean pedal to the floor , HALT, kind of break. and so everyone was sqealing their tires and like 1/2 an inch from each other and i was SO close to hitting the person in front of me and then BOOM someone hit me from the back. yeah so i started freaking out and i got off at the next exit and the person followed me but nothing was wrong. not even a mark..................
but it was scary and it made me shake and cry. lol dumb. i just wanted to share.
is something wrong with me? i dont even know. i dont know what it is . everyone is imperfect but what is it? do i make people run away? do i deter people from being near me. what is it. do i give off this poison or something. i'm not that bad. i'm certainly not as negative as i used to be. i now i am reclusive and kind of a loner but i'm not that bad.
i dont get it.
i'm missing this SOMETHING. i'm missing something. every time i walk there my eyes fill up with tears. my heart is telling me that that is what i am missing but i can't take the first step and i fear i never will be able to. it was that thing that pushed me away about 2 years ago and i still dont understand. if that is what i am missing and i was trying then why was i pushed away. why do i feel like i dont belong there if it is the thing i need the most. sometimes i feel like i have hit it and i'm finally there but then a week passes and the feeling is gone. sometimes i feel liek its not real. sometimes i feel like feeling that is wrong. what is faith?
i dont want to be preached to but i dont want to be told i'm wrong. and at the same time i want advice.
i'll never understand it. i know i am missing the joy of playing music. i know that that is something i miss dearly but what else is it.
i am stuck in a rut and at the same time never been happier. how does that happen? i just dont want to miss anything. why can't i just be that kind of person. almost a freeloader.
why do i feel that precious time is being wasted. with every day. with every hour. i know it is. god i know it is. what am i missing and how can i get it. i just want to be told. i just want someone to have all the answers. im so scared when you ask me that but i dont know if i'm scared because i dont think i'd be okay or if i'm scared because i'm just confused. probably both . but i dont feel wrong in what i believe. the world is too skewed for it to be straight black and white by the book. the people that live that way are being nonsensical. i'm not trying to adjust it so that i can get away with everything , it's just i am trying to make sense out of something that makes none.
why do you just roll over and go to sleep when i need you the most. what i need out of you, i have no idea. i just know that i need you.
please young ones- do not get caught up. dont do it. love and be loved but just ........................
why do i do the things i do. i can't even do things anymore without thinking about how i am not supposed to be doing them.
i didn't used to feel that. and that is why i know what i'm missing.
i know what im missing but i'm so afraid of it that i dont think i will ever get it. someone please please please help me. plesae help me please. please. i dont want to be like this anymore. i want to be happy like you. i dont want to be scared anymore.
and even saying all that i know i wont put forth any effort and i will be living like this tomorrow and the next day and the next. goodbye
i was going to drink tonight but then i thought i shouldn't since you were coming and all. Now i wish i had for an hour straight. i should have..............ugh
cheese slices
milk
stale animal crackers
stale cereal
peanut butter crackers
a frozen dinner that i will never eat
canned veggies
some macaroni
jello mix
candy canes
.....i think i'm gonna see how long i can go until i buy groceries. or at least see how long we can go before roman breaks down and says lets go grocery shopping.
So I'm reading Rolling Stone on the crapper... usually a dissapointment. However, today was different. They had a little article in there about emo music. It was titled. "Who Hates Emo Music More?"
It was blocked off into different quotes by a bunch of shitty bands like Hinder and Disturbed, as well as other bands that aren't really shitty necessarily but I'm not exactly huge fans of them like Tool and The Killers. I thought it was ironic that Brandon Flowers hates emo, I don't think I really need to say why, I mean, the kid's practically emo himself. I guess he's really in that more artistic with no real artistic skills group. Sam's Town was not as good as their first album, by a long shot. ANyway.. Mayndard said probably the funniest thing. I quote:
" This shitty emo music is created by frat boys for frat boys that slip roofies to their dates. Ooooh, look at me, I'm sensitive, I feel. Here, have a Roofie Collada."
It was also noted that My Chemical Romance was tormented in england. This is a band that has a couple moderatly catchy songs, but is REEEAAALLLYYY Bad live. Have you ever heard the guys voice? He can't sing at all! The english crowd threw all kinds of shit at him, and when he tried to wave UK flag they booed. It's funny that he's never waved an american flag to my knowledge before. THey also apparently said things from like "Fuck your black parade, you cock sucking nunce." Classic english... anyone wanna go there?
And this isn't even the best part. When Panic! at the disco, who were clever enough to divide their name into two unintelligable fragments as opposed to one cohesive statement, played the same crowd, someone threw a beer bottle at the lead singers head and knocked him the fuck out. How fucking awesome is that?
