Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them
The semester will be done as soon as I write an eight page paper for my Latin American Literature class and submit it online. I haven't even started yet, and it's due by midnight.
I ended up working a ten hour shift last night. It was absolutely horrible. I was suppose to work from one to nine-thirty, but the lady who was suppose to work from five to eleven called in. So, not only did I work from one to eleven, I was alone at the service desk from seven on...which, during the holiday season, is not a pleasant experience.
I got home and my legs were killing me! But, I took a soak, and all was well.
I also got my secret santa gift from, my Kappa Kappa Psi Brother, at work last night. We had a holiday party (that I missed because of work), but Sara brought my gift to Meijer for me. She gave me fuzzy socks, chocolate, homemade fudge and lotion. The chocolate and socks helped me to get through the rest of my night!
Anyway, off I go to start organizing and writing. Wish me luck!
OK . so .. i think i just figured it out. As long as I get at least a 50% my next test and a 75% on my paper and a 60 on my final... ummm wow that's horrible. well then i think i will pass.
SHIT i suck. that class just kicked my ass so bad but i swear it was so stupid. seriously. we were the guinea pigs for that class. the teacher was brand new. the book was WAY too advanced. the teacher said they are definitly getting a different book for next semester and that the book is way too advanced it is for people who are actually going to be cell biologists and it is just way too hard and our entire grade was based on only the tests. i hate that because it's like you get 5 little chances and if you do bad at all on any of the tests it brings your grade wayyyyy down. the only thing i'm hoping helped my grade was my paper and i'm not even too sure about that. i just know i need to study hard for my exam because it is all answers from past tests. seriously i'm going to memorize those answers and get 100 percent. i'm going to my moms house and studying the entire day as long as she will help me. ALL next week that is what i'm doing . mark my words lol
i wanna go see that guys light show that he made. someone take me. and while you're at it...
oh nevermind... maybe it's at the whitecaps thing i thought it was at his house.
while you're at it take me to japan.
everytime i start thinking that i shouldn'tbe a nurse and that it isn't for me i talk to my mom and she makes me feel like i'll be good at it or that i can at least pass the school. i'm not stupid but i'm not brilliant. i duno. she always makes me not want to quit. i feel like i would disappoint my parents if i quit and it's not like i have something else wonderful in mind and my college is free so i might as well keep going... right?
i had to write this will thing for my online class and I gave my money and our cats to Roman and my car to Brandon and that was pretty much it... hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
tomorrow i have my last test and then next week i have two exams and then two online class exams that should be pretty easy. Only one really hard exam. I just hope i pass cell biology or I will be screwed and sad. ughghhghghgh i hope i get 100 on the paper i wrote. then i wont be as worried
i just called my phone company because i wanted to add text messaging and they wont let me because roman's name is the one on the account the FCC just changed their rules that sucks because usually i am the one who takes care of all that stuff. I call and fix stuff when it gets messed up, i pay the bills through my account and then roman just writes me checks for his half. like i do EVERYTHING and then now i can't even have control over it. it is understandable but still it sucks.
i really should be studying.
annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd. i duno. we almost got another cat tonight. we are like...obsessed with cats. we are freaks.
We're packing and I still feel like it's morning. Rueben went to go get my car from Don and Steve's apartment, and I'm taking a break from going through things.
After I got out of work last night I met Rueben at Don and Steve's and had a few. We ended up staying up the whole night talking and then went to Lil' Chef at 6:30. Then, Rueben and I came home and went to bed. Lil' Chef is six doors down from our apartment, so Steve drove to breakfast and we walked home. Rueben's gone to get my car, which has banana boxes in it from work so we can start packing. We also need to go do laundry.
I've realized that final exams week (starting tomorrow!) is actually going to be a relatively easy week, at least compared to what I'm use to. I have one big exam per day, and an eight page paper due on Thursday, but I think I'll be just fine. I could skip the exam in most of my classes and still pass with a C or higher, so I'm in good shape.
We're moving on Friday and I've started sorting through our food and planning what we need to eat until then. I still need to go start packing my room, and, of course, clean.
But I don't really understand why I should clean, they're just going to knock our building down anyway. But...I want my money back, so I'll do it.
I'm going to miss our little apartment...but our new one has a huge kitchen, a dishwasher, and Jessie.
"We'll get through somehow, this is only temporary/ Not now, but soon/ We'll be living in the future."
Alright, so I typically hate short vague entries, but right now there is simply no way I can detail everything going through my head right now. Maybe I'll try in a bit here. Anyhow, at the moment, I am pissed, so if I say anything stupid, please forgive me. Anyhow, the sum of my thoughts seems to be: I hate this year so fucking much, and I want it to rot in hell. Now many people throw that phrase around loosely, but in this case I mean it to the full extent. Nothing has gone right, everything keeps going to shit, every light at the end of each long shitty tunnel turns out to be a fucking floodlight some asshole left running (oh, and it promptly turns off before I can make use of it), and everytime I feel like things can't get any more stressful, they plummet further into a bog of shit.
What am I stressed about, well, allow me to make an attempt to outline things:
1. I'm changing my major to psych, but I can't seem to get an appointment with my future advisor to discuss what classes I need to take and how to handle the transition.
2. I don't know where I'm living next year. I don't want to be in the dorms anymore. I'm sick of them, they cost as much as an apartment and you live in a poorly kept up closet. I found a possible roommate, but he doesn't want to move into an apartment.
3. I have finals next week
4. I may have failed my software design class. It won't count towards my major, but nonetheless it would be a horrible blight upon my GPA and really bad way to end the year.
5. I'm going to have to work at meijer when I get back home.
6.My love life is a mess (subpoints listed below, everyone grab your notepads)
-I like one girl, I believed that she liked me. She reveals this to me by kissing me before heading off to Japan for a study abroad trip. I decide to hold off on starting a relationship with her until she gets back. I figure if she still feels the same way, then we can date. I found out today from a friend of mine that she is apparently "going to put the moves on" her 'psuedo boyfriend'. Ugh I keep thinking I had to have misheard. Maybe I'm losing it or something. Maybe it's just a dumb fling. Anyhow the only other girl I have a crush on is:
-I like this other girl, she's had a boyfriend for 5 years and he seems kind of lame. Naturally I can't help but think "I could do a better job than him." Still, I think I may just be behaving dumb. They're obviously together for a reason, and I can't compete with it. I'm okay with that. However:
-if there is no possibility with either girl. I am back to square one. Screwed. I'm a 20 year old virgin who hasn't had a real girlfriend since Junior year of high school. Maybe I'm picky, maybe I'm unlucky. Either way, I feel so fucking lonely right now it's insane.
-there's another girl. She says she's loved me for 3 years. I just can't seem to return those feelings. I talked with her not too long ago because I had no one else to talk with. I just had one hell of a guilt trip laid on me. Um, did I mention that we've had sort of an off and on friends with benefits situation going for the last few years? Yeah, that complicates things further and adds to the stress more. Whee.
-not really my love life, but: I'm currently setting two of my friends up as a couple. They're extremely cute and I envy them horribly.
7. I'm trying to write my novel again. It was going well until now.
8. I have to read two novels by next friday for one of my exams.
9. Earlier this week I had a few panic attacks, and I think I may be having one now.
I basically...
...feel...
...shitty.
I'm shivering, though I'm not cold. I may have cried a bit, though that may just be my eyes watering from lack of sleep (I've been a bit of an insomniac lately). If I did cry, that's the only time I've cried in my adult life. The last time I cried before then was in elementary school.
So anyone have any thoughts? I think I may go sleep now.
If you read this all, thanks, and sorry about the annoyingly angsty entry.
"Oh when that ship left england, was heading for the shore,
The rich refused, to assoicate with the poor,
So they put the poor below, and they were the first to go,
It was sad when that grand ship went down."
Today is my 20th birthday. I feel quite old, but know that I'm still one of the youngest people I know. How does that happen?
I guess I'm finally caught up to myself. People have been guessing that my age was 20 since I was 16.
I'm not about to do a year in review, I don't have enough time or motivation for that, but I will take a moment to make a few general statements for posterity sake (or so I say).
I'm a sophomore in college now, and that has made me a stronger, better person. Being a Brother in Kappa Kappa Psi has made me part of something larger than myself, and that's always something I had felt I was missing.
In the past year, I have become more liberal than ever, even toying with the idea of Socialism in the form of Democracy.
Unfortunately, I only watched Mrs. Doubtfire about 12 times (that's only once a month!)
I have met some amazing people that recognize me for who I am, and can understand that I am different people sometimes.
I have grown more responsible, less fearful, but more worried.
But, above all, I am here, and I made it, and that's something that I didn't think would ever happen four years ago, today.