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Aaron
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2003 16 October :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: impaled
:: Music: maralyn mansin
that entry was for me. i know you hurt, but i don't hurt as much as i protray, or maybe more, and just show the wrong reasons. either way, i'm lieing to myself and my friends. i know i should put what ever the hell is in your backpack out of my mind, but it keeps coming back. i need to get off before my mom catches me, but i'll write a list of what it could be and give it to you tomorrow. it's nothing personal, just my mind going wild, and i think if you look at it from that perspective, you'll find it to be most, amusing.........*smiles sinisterly* mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha...............well, love you all, see you later (except cory, cory's an ass, a flaming ass at that, but i know, that sounded preppy) well, maddy was right. who gives a fuck? only me for it to matter. no more worrying if that's "preppy" or not. i am who i am, no one's changing that, ever, so i don't care what i am, just who i am.
8 Burns! |
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Aaron
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2003 16 October :: 1.16am
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: brown eyed girl, sex pistols
ok, no more acting out this dramatic crap. we're in love, and all is happy. so will you go to a movie with me?
4 Burns! |
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Aaron
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2003 16 October :: 12.02am
:: Music: crawling in the dark, hoobastank
"systimatic decline"
I, i can't take it, i think i'm gunna pop. this is all too much. "oh hi paul, hows it going? what's up? come hang out with us. come here, i need to talk to you." or how about when they stand in the way, intentionally, like they want me to go away. that's probably what she wants, but i want them to go away, so we're even. i want the whole world to go away, so i can just be here, with her, and the only people that matter, and watch the rest burn in systimatic decline, my systimatic decline, because i would make them all go away, if i could.............
12 Burns! |
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shalee
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2003 15 October :: 1.42am
:: Mood: tired
So fold me up, and put me back in the place where you used to keep your heart. You think it's getting smaller. It's been that way for quite some time now.
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Aaron
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2003 14 October :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: iris, googoodolls
What the hell have i done this time?
i know she's not, i know she doesn't, but non the less i feel like she has a bubble around her that i shouldn't penatrate, like she's holding something back. friday, friday was so perfect, and now i don't know what to think. i know i'm being selfish, but what can i say? i'm sick of not getting answers, so i think that i'll do what the bleeding room told me to do to ensure a 100% chance of that destiny, though ten years of pain is a long time, in the end, i find her don't i? well, i had a dream, a dream that i was stranded on an island with a ton of scientist and we found these indian people who were like,"go away!" and we were like,"No!" and then they're all,"OK then, we will go whine to the carrot god from the top of this hill!" and we was all,"whatthefuck???!!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!" and then, mother fucking big carrots and a boulder or two came out of nowhere and rolled down the hill and killed a few of us, so we summoned the lighting god (however the fuck we did that) and we could use two types of lightning on this one indian dude that was obviously someone of importance, and we could use either purple or green lightning, and when we did, we could move him to a special spot, because it made a box around him, but i liked purple better cause it reminded me of tori's journal when i first saw it, so that's what i used, and then i went to have other dreams, possibly more twisted than that, and tori, i'm calling so :P!!!
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Aaron
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2003 14 October :: 1.51am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: The day the world went away, NIN
Everuthing withers to nothing, nothing is all i crave
I'm beaten, i'm bloody, with both my blood and theirs, and i'm sick of fighting already, but i've one the first battle... but yet, so many lie ahead, even tonight. but as i take my place if she falls, i take my place right here for now, in here arms, but i know you hate reading that over and over again, don't you?
-YYYYEESSSSS-
hmm...my mind is static, i think i might have the upper hand already. but no reason to get lazy, lots of work to do, and it's only ten to eleven, so what am i tired for? who knows. well, fuck, i'm not pissed at anyone right now. if devon were right here, i might not kill him. no, scratch that, i would. and i'd make it slow and painful. let him live for a few years, but cut off certain, extremities while he's asleep, and once those heal, move to other ones, until all that's left to take is his head.... ooohoohoo, thinking about that makes me worm and fuzzy inside, i wish he would read it, would someone givew him this adress please? then i will combat him verbaly until his weak optimistic brain is pulp, oh look, brain and brian are spelt almost the same, even thought they totally contradict each other.... well, i'll wait for tori to post now.
6 Burns! |
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Aaron
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2003 13 October :: 3.07am
:: Music: The day the world went away, NIN
clearing my head
ok, this is the last for tonight, i need to try and get some sleep. tomorrow i'll wake up and try to forget about what kalie said or what happened to maddy and focus on tori. yeah, that makes me feel better anyway, even if it doesn't solve the problems. but if kalie wants to go and lie up a perfect strom and kill us all, what the hell, and madeline doesn't seem to want tomuch help right now, so maybe i'll just let it blow over. well, good night. and i think tomorrow, well.................maybe i won't, maybe i'll chicken out, but who knows? i might, i might not. but it's 12:05 and i have jazz band in the morning at seven fourtyfive, so i need to ry to sleep, so byby.
PS i think it's funny how maddy acts like her apin doesn't effect me, yeah, she kinda screwed herself when she spilled her blood to me, so now it is my buisness, and sean will hurt for this, as long as i exist in the hearts of my friends, sean comfort will hurt.
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Aaron
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2003 12 October :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: thegreatbelow, nine inch nails
well, here it is. we all have a place, so go and find it, and help the fight, or wait for life to pass you up, either works.
2 Burns! |
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Aaron
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2003 12 October :: 3.35pm
i love her too much to let go now. so i made that commitment, that godfucked commitment, but who cares? i have the only thing i want. i'm happy. wow. that doesn't happen very often when she's not around
2 Burns! |
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Aaron
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2003 12 October :: 10.40am
:: Music: sin, NIN
PS
I hope that PS thng in tori's journal wasn't about me. It would make me feel so much like they thought i was a toy, like only what they wanted mattered, like i wasn't a real person with real emotions and a real life, not some simulative drone for their plessure when ever they want it. why am i even bitching? i know it's probably not about me at all. but i'm still paranoid. she's rubbing off on me.
1 Burn |
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Aaron
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2003 11 October :: 4.05pm
:: Music: white flag, by god knows who.
Tori
i missed you, even after two hours and twenty minutes i felt sick and totally deprived of you. i never, for a minute ever stopped thinking about you. well i guess that's love. i have to go, so i'll see you later.
2 Burns! |
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Aaron
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2003 10 October :: 10.22am
:: Music: NIN piggy
Never let go. this is where i belong. in her arms, never let go.
6 Burns! |
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Aaron
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2003 9 October :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: the day the world went away-you guesed it,NIN
Tori
today, as i leaned my head on hear shoulder, and held her hand, and kissed the top of her head, taking in the vanilla scent, and felt her head resting gently on my chest, irealized i could feel every thought and emotion running through her head, and the only reason it took me that long was that they were about the same as what was going through mine. love, a hard feeling in side, and cold. but pleasently cool, not freazing cold, and not a metallic hardness that just makes you upset, no, it was more like a wet cloth on your forhead in a sweltering heat, a refreshing and relaxing feeling. but i realized something else, i don't have to hide anymore. she has such a strong will to her, a power i don't think she even knows about. it's what will free her soul of her mind and hearts conflict, so that she can be herself, love, live, and lauph. that reminds me of one of my own quotes...
"life, love, frendship, you will want them all when you live, but you will need them all to survive"
I have her to survive, and i won't ever let go. no matter what happens, they can't take her from me now, i'll kill to keep her. she's mine, mine, ours, and mine, and i love her, more than most things, more than anything, but yet, i fear.............that maybe, i'll hurt her. no. not like they hurt her. they mean to hurt her. you can cut them without meaning, but you can only scar them if your trying.
5 Burns! |
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Aaron
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2003 9 October :: 10.30am
:: Music: Silence apocalyptica
now i know, once and for all, and it pains me a little, but the scars will fad, especially ten years from then. but until that day, in a matter of months, i won't let go of her. i don't care what they say or do about this. they're all just more bricks in the wall. i love her....
3 Burns! |
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Aaron
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2003 8 October :: 11.53pm
:: Music: terrible lie, Nine Inch Nails
My final potatoes
ok, that's mother fucking it, i've chosen my potatoes, and to hell with it all... i'm sick of hiding, i'm sick of holding back, this anger keeps breaking out in small bits and it's hurting other people... today, i blew up and almost killed madeline and hit my mom, and then i like, yeah, hid in my room for fourty five minutes. of course, i had a vision, and it scared the shit out of me, but now, no more hiding, no more holding back, i'm fucking going all the fucking way. i'm over the deep end now. don't try and pull me back.....
4 Burns! |
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