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2004 16 November :: 3.06pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: none
none
Have you ever noticed that the word "none" is a combination of "no" and "one" without the extra "o"?
Believer to Believer, one has to wonder sometimes if this are just little tricks being played on us. That when we think things are as they should be, they really are not. When one thinks there is a purpose for a person in your life, and you embrace that, you making a grave mistake. Or maybe God's spectacular plan is just being played with by ignorant and stubborn human beings who are so selfish that they cannot possible comprehend the damage they are doing. Not only in their relationship with Him, but in their relationships with others.
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upchuck
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2004 26 October :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: "Sweet Home Alabama" Lynyrd Skynyrd
I'm coming home. I'm just really sick of this place again.
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upchuck
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2004 20 October :: 1.46pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "I Need You"- Jars of Clay
Whatever
This weekend was great. This week has been gong pretty good so far.
Saturday, we both worked and then I came home and slept. Kim came and picked me up and we went over to her firend Christine's house for her b-day party. We followed that up by going bowling. The six of us had a pretty good night. I was the last one to bowl first and I told everyone that I probably wasn't going to be very good, but I got a strike in the first frame. Then in the third game I laid down on the floor and rolled the ball down the alley very slowly before Kim's pins were even out of the way. The machine reset mine and got out of the way just before the ball hit them and I got another strike. It really is absolutely hilarious what entertains me right now. Or rather what I think would be entertaining to you.
I'm in a rambling mood. I took two midterms yesterday so my mind is going faster right now than I can actually write. I wrote, actually hand wrote 8.5 pages yesterday for the two exams combined. I hope I do okay. What am I talking about? Of course I will.
Promise cannot go unfulfilled. I am ready for life. I am ready for whatever is out there. I believe that I am a dynamic individual equipped with the tools to be successful in a dynamic world. But successful at what is the question. I may still go into the ED program, but it doesn't offer much promise.
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Sidebar- I think the establishment as education as a profession is the wrong way to go. I think schools should hire actual professionals in the field to teach subjects. This would give the students connections, improve schools, and alliviate the job market.
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The route through graduate school does not quite seem to be what I want to do. I don't want to write a disertation. I don't want to jump through hoops for stodgy old people who were made to jump through the same hoops. Academia is not sexy enough for me. I don't know if there is a job out there for me in politics. I think that is where I would like my future to be. Maybe get a position in state government, or in a Reps office. Case work would be like what I most want to do. I'm just not sure what direction my life is going in. Everytime I ask for direction from someone they push me in a certian way that kind of sounds like what I want, but not completely. One day divine inspiriation will come to me and it will all be clear, unfortunately that day will be the day I die.
We talked for quite a bit Sunday night. For the first time I actually felt sorry for what I had done in the past. If you are out there, this is the first time I have ever been sorry for what we had. I may have regreted it and been extremely bitter about it, but I was never sorry. Now I am because I gave away something that was so precious, something that I wish I could give to her. And that is exactly why I don't want it from her, because I don't want to take what could belong to someone else.
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2004 4 October :: 12.36pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: "Thunderstruck"- AC/DC
Classes Stress and stressors gone
So stress point #1: 3rd shift job- Gone as of last Friday morning.
Stress point #2: Spanish 101- Gone as of this morning. I dropped the class.
Stress points #3,4,5,6,7 ..... 1,000,000,000,000: Do not come close to equalling the stress caused by #1 and #2.
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upchuck
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2004 28 September :: 10.12am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Sounds: Martin Luther King Jr. Speeches
I am the rock; I should be strong, but I cannot summon the strength
Right now, I don't know what to do.
I am so tired. Tired of my job. Tired of these long nights. Tired of getting home from work when the sun is coming up. Life could be good. Life could be grand. But now, put a paper bag on my head and I would just give up than rather to try to find my way out.
It really kills when there are two things in my life right now that are horrible stressors, and all I want to do is to avoid them both like the plague (yes, I know, a coloqualism). Both my job at BP, which will be over on Thursday, but still, I want it to be done now, and my Spanish class. Spanish is funny. I'm funny. I don't mean in the ha-ha funny way, in the I can't figure it out for the life of me funny. Can it be that hard? When your dealing with a schedule like mine it can be. When your used to being able to wrap your mind around a concept it can be. When you can't, for the life of you, find any way to become motivated to do the necessary work it can be. This isn't high school. This is college. I feel like I'm letting the prof down. I feel like I'm letting my classmates down. I also feel like I'm letting myself down, not only me now, but my future. So much of my future hinges on me being able to learn the concepts of a language so foreign and I don't know if I can do it. I'd like to be able to relax, but everything has become a trap to me.
I want time. I want to be able to go into the forest when I feel like it. I want to be able to do things when I feel I can. I don't want my bedroom to feel like a trap where I spend my unconscious time. I don't want my car to feel like my escape from a situation I don't want to be in. But a trap in itself, because no matter how far I'd like to run I'm still stuck inside my own head. I desparately want something to grasp onto. Something to distract me from the stark reality that is slowly beginning to reveal itself to me. I want life to be something other than what it is turning into. Why can't I live that life? Where did that change? When did I lose my idealism? Where did my innoncence go? How will my sense of justice be restored?
Really I want to fall on my face before God and ask Him what to do. But I don't know how to do that right now. I need prayer, I need fellowship, I need Him now more than ever. All I do is tell Him that, but it was very obvious this weekend that the desire is not there on my part. The call to desire that was given seems unattainable for me. Now, I don't know what to do.
We all struggle. I just don't seem much of a way back to contentment right now. It's been a bad stretch, and I don't know how much strength I have to renew myself again. But it will pass, and when it does, I will be grateful.
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2004 21 September :: 11.14am
I think I'm going to call into work, skip my classes and sleep.
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2004 16 September :: 10.50am
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: "Meant to Live" Switchfoot
Slowly assailing the stairs, my fatigued limbs give out and I realize I am not the same person I once was
So, long time no talk. Umm, anything to say, yes.
School has started. It has been a rather unique experience. SPA 101 I think is going to kick my ass. Foregin language, yeah. All my other classes are fairly predictable routine that I am very used to. PSY 325 (Ed Psych.) is a interactive video class, but that doesn't make it much different except for the fact that I have sit there for three hours like a vegetable absorbing info because there is not enough bandwith on the sound system to really deal with too much prof student interaction. So that's school in a nutshell for you. Which, in the scope of what has been happening over the past few weeks does not really compare to everything else that has been going on in my life.
Fatigue my friends, sleep depravation. Majorly. Most of you probably did not know this, but I finally quit Wendy's. Yes, I did. After 2.5 years, stretching all the way from high school into this somewhat sophisticated adulthood, I quit. Of course I would like to say that I did it out of some sort of principal, or left for a better job, but it wasn't. I didn't know that at the time, but I do now. No, I left to take a 3rd shift job at BP. Butt Plug of all places. Well after the first two weeks I decided that that was not the way to go for me. Fortunately, my lovely friends at my prior job refused to take me out of the computer system. They all said I would be back, and now I am. After the whole fiasco up in BR when Kim and I and Nita all had to go up there because they lost major crew and then Paul got fired, it left us short in Mgmnt because Nita got bumped up to DM. So that meant Dee got bumped to GM, which meant that Sharon was going to stay as our Asst. istead of transfering up to Cadillac. Well, a week later Sharon quit. Yipee. Seriously, the week I left, they hired like eight people. They weren't all to replace me, but a couple of them probably were. So, now Wendy's is looking for a new manager. Enter a person with 2.5 years of experience, not only at Wendy's, but at that specific store, Me. So I talked to Nita on Monday and I was approved for my promotion. Now I am a shift manager. Yeah me. Finally, I almost have something to show for my life. I haven't started yet because I'm still working out my hours at BP, but yeah, I'll be there soon. Boy is this going to blow the theory out of the water that you can't work a full time management position and go to school at the same time (sorry I'm just a little started now).
So now I have a decision to make. If the Whitecaps win tonight or Friday, I need to decide if I should go the last Whitecaps home game on Satrday night, or should I go to my first game of kickball. This is going to be a tough decision, I'll have to think about it.
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danibean
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2004 10 September :: 9.39am
:: Mood: sleepy
wow...i'm so tired...i'm sitting here in econ and exhausted from last night!! vanessa, mary and i all went to west ottawa for the girls basketball game and didn't get home until after 11. i've been going to bed early too. ugh...oh well..it was fun and i called jason and talked to him for a while. anyways...evan and i are fine. we talked and he's just been super busy. i totally understand. woo...being in love is great. :)
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danibean
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2004 1 September :: 11.50pm
:: Mood: sleepy
*yawn*............
oh geez..since everyone else is doing it!!
here's my schedule kiddo's....
band-robuck
ja economics-busen
british literature-millard
spanish 3-crowley-worwick..whatever
creative writing-eilola (dropping 1st day for psyc. with mr. h)
independant study-robuck
woot...easy senior year :) :) :)
but...that's what you get if you take all the crappy stuff in the first 3 years! so take crappy required classes guys...get them out of the way so you can have fun your senior year!! woo!!!!!!
we took some senior pics yesterday at rockford dam and today at grand haven by the beach. oh i hope they turn out good. and fredrick meijer gardens sometime later this week. but wow....getting your picture taken is fun. i felt like a model!! haha...and people were looking at me...probably thinking i was a model...jk...but i thought that! hahaha...anyways, it was a goodtime had by all.
still not sure on evan's for sat - mon...he's a busy kid...and i hate that he has school this week. that's so dumb. guh...gay kearsley...oh well.
night night :)
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danibean
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2004 31 August :: 9.02pm
:: Mood: cute :)
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2004 31 August :: 12.24pm
I know that if I keep telling myself that I can make it I can. It's been 36 hours. In that 36 hours ~4 hours have been dedicated to sleep, 8.5 hours to work, 2 to actual class time. It gets better. The next time I get to sleep is 20 hours from now. That would be another 2 hour period. But then, blissfully then, ~24 hours from now I will have time to sleep for eight hours. Eight wonderful hours.
I can do this.
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danibean
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2004 28 August :: 11.57pm
:: Mood: silly
okay, for your reading pleasure, and to humor myself and you, i will now present you with funny things from saturday night instant messenger conversations:
danibean05: you know hottie justin from drum major camp?
sugarmouse0587: i guessss
danibean05: he broke up with his girlfrined yesterday
danibean05: let me be strong as i know he wants me and i want him
sugarmouse0587: ha hah
sugarmouse0587: EVAN BAILY
danibean05: bailey
danibean05: i think
danibean05: haha
sugarmouse0587: HE TUCKS HIS SHIRTS IN
sugarmouse0587: OLD CARS
sugarmouse0587: BLOND
sugarmouse0587: EHEM NO!!!!!
danibean05: hahahaha
danibean05: gosh i loveyou
sugarmouse0587: THE BIGGER GREEN TOMOATOE
danibean05: you are a bad speller
sugarmouse0587: YOU"RE GAY
sugarmouse0587: you only noticed because i'm using large fonts
sugarmouse0587: gay face
danibean05: i know
danibean05: hahaha
danibean05: tucks what shirt in?
danibean05: not all of them?
sugarmouse0587: all of them
sugarmouse0587: trust me
danibean05: NO
sugarmouse0587: dOTIT
danibean05: you know what...i love techno music!
FenderNFoamies11: like the dance beat or the synthesizer's sounds?
danibean05: the dance beat...it's so much fun
danibean05: my friend and i downloaded techno pink panther and lion king
FenderNFoamies11: you don't like hip-hop?
FenderNFoamies11: lol
FenderNFoamies11: that's funny
danibean05: yeah...hip hop is fun too
danibean05: at prom and all that ...but in my car...yeah...techno all the way
FenderNFoamies11: lol
danibean05: i am such a dork though!!
danibean05: haha
FenderNFoamies11: it's ok
FenderNFoamies11: embrace the stupidity
FenderNFoamies11: lol
danibean05: ahhhhh justin!!
danibean05: there isn't any stupidity to embrace!!!
FenderNFoamies11: your calling yourself you dork, therefore thinking what you doing is stupid
FenderNFoamies11: so embrace it
danibean05: embracing the stupidity
danibean05: if gummies were free, i would consume them at an alarming rate
FenderNFoamies11: ok?
danibean05: and, if my toes were any cuter, they would appear in a magizine
FenderNFoamies11: that was random
danibean05: yeah, but it's a true fact
danibean05: and you need to know these things so we can embrace the stupidity together
FenderNFoamies11: lol
FenderNFoamies11: ok
danibean05: it's fun, try it
FenderNFoamies11: like what?
danibean05: okay, justin, all you have to do is state one random fact
danibean05: just one
danibean05: only one
FenderNFoamies11: ok
FenderNFoamies11: (thinking)
FenderNFoamies11: here's a bit of advice if you ever need to ransom a small child for money
FenderNFoamies11: fat kids are harder to kidnap
FenderNFoamies11: lol
danibean05: wow
danibean05: that says nothing about you !
FenderNFoamies11: other than i think logically
danibean05: i disagree
FenderNFoamies11: lol
danibean05: i don't think you do
FenderNFoamies11: ok
FenderNFoamies11: i disagree to you disagreement
danibean05: you are a silly person, and silly people don't think logically!
Brotha J says:
yep me and shae
Dani Lynn says:
wow
Dani Lynn says:
hahaha
Brotha J says:
it was alot of fun
Brotha J says:
then we got kicked out of our seats.. that really ticked us off
Dani Lynn says:
oh my gosh
Dani Lynn says:
why?
Brotha J says:
well the guy said we had lawn seats ok.. but me and shae were like uhh no.. so we sat wherever we wanted
Dani Lynn says:
haha
Brotha J says:
and we wanted to sit as close to teh players as we could
Brotha J says:
so we could yell at them like we did last time
Dani Lynn says:
ahhhhhh
Dani Lynn says:
haha
Brotha J says:
but go figure.. some loser old guy came down and was like.. where are your tickets.. were like sorry we threw them away.. then hes like no one thows away their tickets.. I dont believe that for one second.. so he kicked us out.. goes to show.. it was someone elses seats we were sitting in
Dani Lynn says:
hahahaha
Brotha J says:
it was funny too
Brotha J says:
haha
Brotha J says:
then i won a ticket to a whitecaps game(free)
Dani Lynn says:
no one throws away their tickets!
Dani Lynn says:
hahaha
Brotha J says:
thats what he said.. and he was like 70 yrs old
Dani Lynn says:
wow
Dani Lynn says:
that's so funny
Herm says:
well you should try and go
Dani Lynn says:
well, okay ross huber
Dani Lynn says:
mabye i will
Herm says:
lol
Herm says:
thats what i thought
Herm says:
haha
Herm says:
the last song this year was really fast and had a lot of runs in it and we had this one clarinet which kept on squeaking, it was so annoying
Dani Lynn says:
ahhhhhh
Dani Lynn says:
clarinets suck!
Herm says:
i know
Herm says:
they are so overrated
Herm says:
cept beans
Dani Lynn says:
ahhh
Dani Lynn says:
i know
well, that's it...that's the fun
bye gumpy chambers! (for you beans)
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danibean
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2004 26 August :: 12.59am
:: Mood: confused
okay, bad....i miss you and it's been what, 3 days!! and now you tell me that you'll be in the area, but you only want to stop over for an hour. which i'm so pissed because i could drive and see you all damn day. my mom is letting me drive!!!!! this is not an opportunity you turn down boyfriend!! ugh....just get your shit together! in good news....i love you and you were super sweet tonight. at least we both know what a cut lip feels like...ouchies. haha...night :)
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danibean
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2004 23 August :: 10.29pm
:: Mood: happy
ooooo la la...i'm in love with my boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tee hee hee~!!!!!!!!!
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2004 20 August :: 4.07pm
:: Mood: scared
Now it's about conquering the fear
I guess I could always tell myself that I can be the man that I want to be if I could only conquer my fear. Times like this make it seem like an impossibility. Things are changing and I am absolutely terrified. Why do I have to be like this? Why did this have to be my curse? Other people fly from job to job to different thing to different thing in life and have absolutely no anxiety about it. Why can't I? Why do I have to worry that I won't be able to do my new job as well? Why am I afraid of going back to school? That's an easy one. This summer has been so wonderful, well, it's been okay with it's ups and downs. But I don't want it to end. I'm scared for what our relationship will become now.
I'm also scared for you. With what has happened in the past few days. I know it hurts and I wish I could make that pain go away for you. Because I'm scared that this will put you back to the way you were. That you will go back to that place and you'll never be the same again.
And now, when I have these tears streaming down my face is when I need you the most, to reassure me that everything will be fine. To reincorporate me back into normal life again. But that's not going to happen. I have no idea when we'll see each other again. I need you now. But it's not something I'm going to bother you about.
Fear won't go away. And I don't know what to do.
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