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2005 6 October :: 8.46am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: The Allman Brothers Band
So Mica's been on me to update my journal when it's only been a few days. If everyone I knew update their journal every day I don't think things would work so well.
Anyway, I've been having a lot of very bad dreams lately. Dreams where either people are out to get my friends (as in the white Mazda at work dream), or there out to get me (in the field trip turned into interrogation session, in which I am labeled a communist spy). Other variants include me losing my identity. I'm not sure what they mean. The two that I had this morning I woke up and it felt like I hadn't moved at all. That's kind of scary too. It might be the fact that I'm a little stressed out right now. Well, at least compared to what I was the last few months when I had absolutley nothing demanding anything of me.
I really wish that I could capture that feeling I had the night after I gave my presentation this summer. It was just that good feeling where you know that you nailed it. You did everything right when no one was expecting you to. That night was pure bliss, unlike Tuesday when I got out of class. I thought I had a fairly good plan coming in, but I asked some questions, and I don't think anyone was really into answering them. I wanted to have a good presentation, instead it was just as stupid as the rest of them.
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danibean
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2005 3 October :: 7.59pm
:: Mood: sad
do you love me?????
i had fun this weekend....thanks for everyone who was a part of it. i love you all.
8 Kiss Asses |
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upchuck
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2005 30 September :: 9.55am
I think the gay thing is nice. It really exposes the problems in the argument against gay marriage. But what you don't understand is that in this country, no matter how stupid you make people feel, they'll keep voting the way they want to. In addition, you can't get laws overturned by poking holes in how the law got passed. It's already passed and you have to give solid reasons to overturn it.
I will also say this. No matter how stupid it may make me feel, I don't support gay marriage. I don't have a reason. It's not that I don't like gay people. Yes, of course I feel uncomfortable around gay guys. To me, that's almost natural. Until I remind myself that I'm not wholy attractive to very many girls out there, so why would I be attractive to a gay guy. I know a lot of gay people, and in general I like the people themselves. What I don't like is the movement, the rhetoric behind it. It really bothers me that they are attacking the fundamental unit of society. Really it all comes back to a religious perspective. But the stereotype is that homosexuals are promiscuious. That stereotype could be further from the truth because there are many homosexuals who are 100% committed to their relationships, more so than even heterosexual couples. BUt if you follow the logic (or illogic) of the stereotype. If Homosexuals are already breaking the societal expectation of normal sexual behavior (which for the anti-gay marriage vote runs something along the line of celibacy) then what is stopping them then from breaking all the norms. Which is why homosexuals are portrayed as being promiscuous.
But I think I've drifted from my point. Which is to say that I do not feel comfortable endorsing gay marriage. I voted No on prop. 2 last year for only one reason. And I wished more people would have looked at it carefully and considered the consequences before they made it law. That reason was that it also closed the door on civil unions. I don't believe that the title of marriage should be given to gay couples, but they most certainly deserve the same rights as other people. To me, one is a legal quesiton (visitation, adoption, and inheritance rights) and the other is a socio-moral question (the title of marriage). So there. Despite having tried to think this one out, that is the conclusion that I have come to, so go ahead and blast away.
5 Kiss Asses |
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upchuck
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2005 29 September :: 5.44pm
So, yeah.
I finally got a response email from Kim. Yeah, from the one that I sent like three weeks ago. Apparently our freak coincidence of running into each other on the road on Tuesday got her thinking again. No, not that she wants me again (which wouldn't even be close to being on the table, it'd be in the backyard, or on Mars or something), but that her life actually sucks enough for her to realize that there are actually people who care about her.
On a side note: I'm really excited about tonight and this weekend in general. But also I was so freakin' tired today. I don't know why. My shoulders are sagging, my legs hurt and it has been very difficult to keep my eyes open. I've also been having extremely strange dreams lately. I have the feeling that if I had stayed up when I woke up at 4:30 I wouldn't feel like this. But it all doesn't matter because I am going to fully partake in all the Red Flannel debauchery that's goin' on this week. WOOOOOOOOOHHHHUUUU!!!!!!!!!!
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upchuck
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2005 28 September :: 8.55pm
:: Mood: buzzed
:: Music: "Night Moves" - Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
Y'all got a little confused on my entry about needing guidance. I think it's funny that you did. You see, right now I think I need the least guidance I've needed in awhile. I know what I'm doing and where I'm going. I know who I am and what I want. And that's a good thing.
The thing I was looking for guidance on was whether I should stay on campus, or come home. But no one was responding to me, so I just said screw it and I came home. So I guess the only one who got that one right was Mica (good job honey). Okay, I'm so looking forward to tomorrow, not because I"m doing anything incredibly great, but because it's Mica's birthday. It was also nice to find out that I get accepted just on the basis of my birth date.
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upchuck
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2005 27 September :: 5.57pm
Okay, so i was looking for a little guidance. But I guess I'm not going to get any. I think I'm going to head home and do some shopping on the way.
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Upchuck
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2005 27 September :: 3.44pm
So i'm sitting here waiting for my last class to start and I'm seriously debating my plans for tonight. I know I entered the semester with a commitment to get more involved in the things going on on campus. Especially with Campus Ministry. But now that I'm on the verge of going and attending a small group meeting I feel kind of reluctant. I don't know, it was fun to do it when I was freshman. It felt right and I felt like I could learn a lot from Dan, my leader that year. I mean after all it was my first year in college and I was learning about who I was and how my faith fit into my life. But now I know all that and I just feel like I'm going to be looked down upon because of my feelings on certain issues. Anyway, I might be home earlier than 9 or 10, so be ready.
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upchuck
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2005 27 September :: 12.53pm
Wow, hotmail server is extremely slow. It really sucks.
On another note, I need to start listening to my Spanish CD's again. My accent it terrible.
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2005 22 September :: 9.44pm
:: Music: "If 6 was 9" - Jimi Hendrix
What is this, like the 6th time today
I've really got to stop this. I really do.
I was thinking a lot about tonight. I don't what it is about those night classes at Grand Valley that get you going. Well, especially in MAK. There's a special quality over there.
Professor Aragon was so completely right that I haven't seemed like myself in his class. I feel really guilty because I have not done the readings. So that is one of my goals for this weekend.
Another one of my goals, for at least tomorrow is to encourage Denise. She's had a pretty rough go of it for the past year and I see it as my role to help her. Now, I just need to make sure that I don't get sucked into it myself and get dragged down if the ship starts going down. That wouldn't be good for anyone. Like Nita said, I am an asset to the company. I don't see myself that way, but they do. I have no desire for them to start viewing me like a liability.
Another goal for tomorrow is to clean my room. It's bad. I need to clean it. It should be easy since there won't be anyone home tomorrow night. I also have to get up early enough tomorrow to run some errands before I go to work.
And then my goal for Saturday is just to enjoy myself. It's going to be interesting, but it should be fun. Josh's parties are always fun. Good times with good people.
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upchuck
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2005 22 September :: 5.24pm
She described her mood as giddy. That's good.
I feel I no longer have the need to trouble myself with deep, soul-searching questions like I did in the past.
Talking last night made me realize that my approach to life has taken a very different track in the last year. I'm not sure what has caused that, and I'm not sure many people would agree with my assessment. But I feel as if I approach things as being more laid back about life. Such as, if something happens that I want to happen, great, it happened, but if it doesn't, then no big loss. I guess that's part of growing up. It's like if I get a good grade, great, but if I didn't, well, I'm not blaming the professor anymore because I really don't care. And that could be where I'm getting it from. I don't care if I passed the test. I never have. I never understood people with test anxiety. Either you know it or you don't. If I learned something from it then good for me. If I didn't, it's my fault and I just wasted a great opportunity.
On a side note. All though I haven't been single all that long, this not being single is still going to take an adjustment. Meaning I shouldn't probably talk about all the cute girls that I meet or anything like that anymore. Note: I didn't really do that before and I'm just joking.
I know I said I'd talk to you somehow tonight. I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish that beyond this right here. But perhaps later.
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2005 22 September :: 3.13pm
So, three entries in like three hours. I thought I didn't have a lot to say.
So, Professor Aragon asked me if I was okay today. Well, I guess he can see that his class isn't going to way I hoped. Actually, it has been one of the biggest disappointments of my semester so far. I mean, my Russian Thought class totally sucked, but I kind of expected that. I just told him that I had been sick for the last week and that was why it seemed like something wasn't right. In reality, the class just isn't doing for me what I hoped it would. I guess when I had him before there was a tenuous balance. I really enjoyed the class and felt like I had mastery of the material. This year I don't feel that way. In fact I feel I know less about it than I should, which isn't a good thing for me. But alas, I'll stop complaining and get ready to go to my favorite class so far.
Oh, and I've felt terribly complacent because I hadn't been keeping up on my reading, but after reading for four hours last night, I felt a lot better. Honestly, I thought I was never going to get done. BUt I had to because I had someplace I had to go. It's really amazing how time flies when you are with someone you enjoy spending time with.
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2005 22 September :: 2.29pm
You know, the good thing about today is that I only had one thing to write for class. Because I seem to be very, very, very comma happy. And, in addition, I also seem to be very apostrophe happy as well. I'm using a ton of contractions, which I don't usually do. Instead I prefer to actually write the words out, but I'm not doing that today, for some reason.
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2005 22 September :: 12.54pm
I really would like to update. Something good. Something solid. But the words escape me right now.
BTW, I am no longer lonely. If you catch my drift. Which you probably won't. Because you all have sick minds.
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2005 20 September :: 3.09pm
So I was sitting in upstairs MAK reading, and then I stopped and was just looking out the window up at the sky. The blue depths and the white whispy clouds darting across it. Some of them even seemed so close that I could have reached out and touched them. BUt then they stopped darting in just one direction. It must have been a cross current or an updraft or something, but the cloud started churning. Understand that this was a fairly transparent cloud, only casting a shadow on it's own in the very center. But it roiled and churned. The bottom becoming the top and the top becoming the bottom. The two parts of the cloud moving in different directions but the whole thing go nowhere at all. It began to spread, thinner and thinner. It seemed to eventually equalize itself vertically in the atmosphere. No longer occupying different vertical levels in the sky, but on singular one. Then it began to fade. Unlike anything I can describe. The whiteness of it was absorbed by the stark blue mass of the sky. Fading, slowly, into nothingness. Disapaited by some unseen force. Continually fading until the extremities of the clouds were gone, the body itself becoming increasingly transparent. And then the body, once large enough and thick enough to shield it's bottom half from the sun, casting it's own shadow, began to fade. Slowly at first, and then at ever increasing speed it disappeared. Until that cloud, a collection of millions of molecules of water, clinging to millions of microscopic pieces of dirt, became as transparent as glass. Revealing the blue sky, illuminated by the presence of the sun, not as deep as before, slightly more pale for the experience.
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2005 17 September :: 4.39pm
"Ole' Curt was a black man
With white curly hair.
He spent a lifetime
Playin' the Blackman's Blues
And on the day ole Curtis died
That's all he had to do."
"Play me a song Curtis Lowe, yeah Curtis Lowe,
I got your drinkin' money so tune up your dobro,
People say you was useless
But them people ought to know
That Curtis Lowe was the finest picker to ever play the blues."
I really like that song. It goes back a ways I guess. You don't hear it on the radio and it's not one of the biggest songs that Skynyrd ever did, but it's still a good song, with some really good electric slide in it.
Anyway, playin' up in Newaygo tonight. Sportsman's Lounge from 9-11. It's in dowtown Newaygo. Down the hill, but before you cross the bridge on the right hand side. I really wish I had something to do after that. But if I don't, I guess I'll just come home, go to bed and maybe go to church in the morning.
Well, I accepted Nita's offer and now I might have dispensible income. I have seriously been contemplating getting a phone. I envision it being somewhat of a boon to my social life and expanding the possibilities of meeting new people. Of course with work and school I'm not sure how much of a social life I can afford. But that's just the same crazy talk that's kept me where I am.
I haven't taken any cold medicine since the other night. I figured that if I could stay up 22 hours that I really was getting better. I also realized today that I have been posting a ton since August. Kind of weird huh? I guess I'm just back in a "hey, I want people to know what's going on in my life" phase again.
I am also very happy that FX picked up the rights for "That 70's Show." This morning I heard the line that my journal is based on. You know, the one from Red, "if we didn't follow rules we'd all be sitting in trees flinging our crap at each other." I'm really, really, not talking about anything that makes any sense at all.
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