jaganshi
|
::
2005 27 May :: 7.09pm
Enough! The lot of you!
Why must I constantly be expected to divulge personal information on command to make someone else feel better? I will not be made to feel guilty for the way I choose to live. If I lie, it's because I have a damn good reason. I can't trust you people!
To the bloggers: When you read my posts just to give yourself a grain of hope that maybe you're not the most fucked up person alive, I hope I can offer you that. When you read my posts because you're looking for someone to pity, I hope you die. When you read my posts because you want me to read yours, fuck you. Everyone. Everyone who reads and says nothing, everyone who replies to entries that mean something with silly juvenile bullshit. Everyone who thinks that the worst thing that could happen to a person is people might not like you. People might not accept you. People might think you're a whiny little bitch who has nothing to say except mindless appeals for pity.
To the anonymous lurkers: If you have something to say, say it. Don't pussyfoot around because you want me to spend that much more time thinking over just what you have to tell me.
To my friends: There aren't many of you. But you know who you are. You are important. Fuck the people who don't know me and are comfortable with that. You listen to me bitch, and I try to make sure I'm listening when you need the same.
To the people I know over the internet and actually communicate with(namely RPGWWers): Without you I'd probably have no one to talk to. I can talk about politics or the worship of pastagami or my budding interest in video games. Any number of things. You are also important.
I'll be back with the blogging foolishness. When I have something more to say to any of you. It won't be as long as I think it'll be because I'm just pissed right now. I'll get over it.
Meanwhile, I'm going to restrict communication to people who actually talk back.
4 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
jaganshi
|
::
2005 26 May :: 8.55pm
You may ask me one question. But I always lie.
There's nothing inherently wrong with lying. On the other hand, it could be considered the only real evil in existence.
Chibikeriana and I are having a conversation about sincerity in terms of being accepted at school. Here's my unabridged rant in all its glory:
I never thought of it as fear of negative reprisals, but rather in terms of the potential rewards of manipulation. A little prevarication here, a few windows washed there, and teachers don't question anything else they see. All they want is to believe that kids are okay. If you can help them do that, they'll get you anywhere you want to go.
I figure it's better to live a lie than sit at home for the rest of my life contemplating a sincere suicide because I'm sincerely dissatisfied with the way things have gone for me.
A lie is often better than nothing. As much as I value the truth, in my experience the only ones who know what it is are the ones who are forced to contrast it with something. As much as you can apply the laws of economics to abstract concepts, the more scarce truth is, the more people realize how important it is.
I tell the absolute truth to one person. Everything else is a lie. And I like it that way. The way I live is the way I live. I lie. The sooner people accept that, the sooner we can all live in happy bunny peace and harmony.
2 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
Jaganshi
|
::
2005 26 May :: 11.19am
| Your Star Wars Pickup Line |
"Hey, Beautiful. What's a nice girl like you doing waiting in line without bathing for 10 days?" |
Star Wars Horoscope for Pisces |
A typical Pisces, you have your head in the clouds.
You're self-sacrificing and a bit too passive to stand up to the dark side.
You become fairly pessimistic when put under pressure.
You are a chameleon - wanting to change your scenery on occassion.
Star wars character you are most like: Lando |
Read more..
1 comment |
leave a comment
|
|
Jaganshi
|
::
2005 25 May :: 7.10pm
*sniff* Psychopathic? Really?
I guess it has been suggested.
3 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
jaganshi
|
::
2005 24 May :: 3.27pm
:: how jedi are you? ::
Your Lightsaber is Blue
Blue is often associated with depth and stability.
It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom,
confidence, and truth.
What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
1 comment |
leave a comment
|
|
jaganshi
|
::
2005 16 May :: 6.26pm
Sitting here listening to music. What right to I have to be so profoundly unhappy?
There's nothing wrong with me. Nothing is being done to me. Just the same thousand petty torments that fly below my radar.
Even my repression isn't perfect.
I should not even be writing this. But then, why do I continue? Ah, the questions. *muses* I'd say that I'm probably writing because I'm doing the elevator-button thing. If I keep pressing the button, the elevator will go faster. If I keep writing, someone will log on and respond. The logic is roughly as sound.
Meh. Resume stoicism.
3 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
Jaganshi
|
::
2005 16 May :: 5.23pm
Home sucks. All of them. If they didn't, no one would leave.
Read more..
1 comment |
leave a comment
|
|
Jaganshi
|
::
2005 16 May :: 5.23pm
Well. I was reprimanded for something interesting today. You know those picture holder things with the weighted base and a clip on a flexible wire? The clip holds the picture, and the base says something like "Butler Fall Ball 2004" on occasion?
My mother threw both of mine out, and told me never to bring drug paraphernalia home again. When I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, she told me she found two roach clips in my boxes from college. When she described those, I tried not to laugh at her, but I knew that laughing would only make it worse.
She told me that even though she knew I didn't know what they were (because God forbid they be for photos), if the military ever found out that shit was in this house, Mitch could be court-martialed. She said that she didn't tell Mitch what she'd found, she just threw them away. But if he'd known, he'd have been pissed and would have kicked me out of the house. (Which is just her trying to give us a common enemy to get me on her side.) Right.
"And it's not because we don't love you or anything like that, but we can't have these in our house. Don't ever bring drug paraphernalia home again."
"Wait, what? Where did that disclaimer come from?"
"Well, I don't want you to think that we don't love you or I'm just being mean about this, because I know that's how it must seem."
"Well, at the beginning I thought you were accusing me of smoking pot, but after that... that wasn't the conclusion I came to."
"No. I know that you aren't into all of that. [author note: Feel free to cast detect bullshit right about here.] But I was there in the 60's and 70's when all these came out, and that's what those are."
"Okay."
"Just don't bring drug shit home ever again."
Seriously. For fuck's sake.
Read more..
9 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
Jaganshi
|
::
2005 15 May :: 7.54pm
I'm considering doing one of those 'friends list cleanout' things.
So, if you still read anything on this blog, kindly post so I don't accidentally delete someone who might want to read the odds and ends I post.
9 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
Jaganshi
|
::
2005 12 May :: 4.29pm
This is all such a waste.
My mother is making me leave the house at night when they go to bed. I have to go out to my room now no matter when they retire. Don't get me wrong, I like living in the pool house. But I can't be online at night now without making a huge production out of it, and she bitches if I'm 'on that computer all day just like Mitch. I fucking hate that computer. All he ever does is play that game and I never see him and nothing ever gets done and I'm so fucking sick and tired of it." This goes on for another ten minutes until she gets tired, has something else to do or finds something else to bitch about.
Also, she bitches if I go out to my room to play final fantasy. That should tell you how hard up I am for effective escapism up here. Mindless repetitive leveling-up is preferable to anything else going on.
This is just such a waste. Where are those people who enjoy their vacations? Where are those people who look forward to going home from school so they can relax? Where are these people and why aren't any of them me?
We went shopping for food yesterday for four hours. Four hours of her bitching, both of them dithering about and Mitch wandering off because he doesn't want to be around her any more than I do. That kind of shit just drains the life right out of me. People wonder why I forgo emotions up here. I just don't have the energy for any of it. This is the kind of thing that saps the will to live right out of me until I'm just waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a good day, waiting for an open argument at least, waiting to be hit by a car. Anything.
Such a waste.
5 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
jaganshi
|
::
2005 30 April :: 7.13pm
Soul Caliber II!
I beat the game for the first time. With Ivy.
I've never beaten a video game before. *beams*
6 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
Jaganshi
|
::
2005 28 April :: 9.56pm
I'll be spending eight weeks this summer at an NSF-funded archaeological field school. They only chose 14 people, and they picked me.
Also nice is the $300/week stipend. 300x8=2400. That's a lot of money to take off of next year's college costs. That may just save my ass. It might get me ahead enough that if I keep my wits about me, I can stay ahead of my bills.
Fantastic. Also, Strawtown, IN is a hell of a lot closer to Dayton than MI is. Closer to Brian=good.
4 comments |
leave a comment
|
|
jaganshi
|
::
2005 24 April :: 10.26pm
For Caro
Love gives you wings. It makes you fly. I don't even call it love. I call it Geronimo. When you're in love, you'll jump right from the top of the Empire State and you won't care -- screaming 'Geronimo' the whole way down.
leave a comment
|
|
Jaganshi
|
::
2005 24 April :: 12.28am
I should never take just one or two shots late at night.
Get all melancholy.
1 comment |
leave a comment
|
|
