Megan's Journal

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Megan's Journal

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:: 2004 27 June :: 12.09am
:: Music: m5

Tonight might be the last night that I sleep in my room. I'm going to miss my house.

It was the last place...ug. maybe this was all a big mistake. it'll be alright.

I'd torch the hammock if I wouldn't be murdered by my mother though. It was a happy place and I don't have a use for it now.

Good/Funny things
1. I threw myself a dance party and had a good time

2. I drew a picture of a pirate at work

3. I got an almost five dollar tip

4. I've got a stain on my shirt that makes it look like I've been lactating

5. My hair looked really good today

6. I'm not babysitting Monday

7. I'm going to see my dad

8. I found a place to get my senior pictures taken

9. Jessie is coming home tomorrow

10. Three weeks until sad camp

1 werd | leave werds

:: 2004 26 June :: 11.17pm
:: Mood: excited

Hey everyone! whats up! Not much here...well Today was like SO AWESOME!!! I got to see Tim today...He picked me up around 8 am, and we went to Denny's and met his masters arts friends there...they ate and then we left and went back to Tim's *Home Sweet Masters Arts* we played games and had a good time, one of the guys made me fall but i just laughed about it and Joe helped me up...we left from there and went to get Katie...we got along great she was so funny! I loved her!! lol. then we went to the store, got lunchables and went to the zoo park...we ate our lunches and then went in...Trish dressed really good as her character! It was great! every one was lookin at her weird! lol! After that we went to the mall that was the best part! We went in and started standin in line at the elevator...and they went in one by one seein if ppl would stand in line...so i went down with walter and then we watched eveyone come down and then started pointin at the ceiling and ppl were lookin i was laughin so much though! Then we ewnt walkin and acted like we were tripin over somethin and this guy actually went over there and was lookin at the spot we were tripin on...lol! then we played *Invisable* Uno but no one really seen us...so then when Mark came walkin out..me katie and lesley were like OMG your on that one show CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!!! then he went runnin and we chased him lol it was great! then we went and ate at Max and Ernie's er somethin like that! and Katie was like Tim I want to sit by Heather!! and i was like woah!! lol and tim was like fine...so i scooted over by katie and then Mark was like Fine i see how it is!! lol i was like wow ppl like me here!! lol. then Tim brought me back up to cedar...and we went to amandas house and he took a lil nap!! lol aww! then we sat on the bed and amandas sisters were there with us lol while amanda was puttin lights up. So yeah it was an AWESOME day! lol well I will talk to you all laters!

~**Heather Renee**~

:: 2004 26 June :: 1.19am

That's alright, I'd rather not do this. True to every sense, it's wrong.

Something smells like chicken feed, it's cold, and there are twenty-two more days of fun.

:: 2004 25 June :: 6.17pm

No, actually I'm not okay.

I feel defective. If I'm such a hot commodity why would anyone feel compelled to leave?

Even the knowledge that he'll be prematurely bald doesn't make me miss him less.

2 werdz | leave werds

:: 2004 25 June :: 10.14am

23 days today.

I still don't feel so great, but I've come pretty far. Esp. since it's been a cool week.

and i would also like to mention that Jessie the Wilde is the person who I am in lurrvvee with.

The Sarah says:
do you like how nothing i'm saying is not makcings sneses?

1 werd | leave werds

:: 2004 24 June :: 12.19am

So now it's twenty-four and i'm being very not like myself. so much for a mourning period.

as long as it's just one of those things where that's as far as it goes then i'm pretty cool with it.

:: 2004 23 June :: 12.16pm

So here i am sittin here and my sister is actin like a retard. seriously! anyways I am goin out with A guy named Tim now...he is 19...and its been a week and 5 days since we started goin out...so i am happy at the moment...i'm still not talkin to my mom...:( i dont know why she is doin this....oh well.

:: 2004 22 June :: 10.54pm

so nearly twenty-five days.

new schedual:
monday-babysat, dozed, cried, went out for pie with mom, barb, amy, hutch. did not eat the crust. talked to a lot of people online.

tuesday- babysat, dozed, attemped to curl someone else's hair which was a failure, drove around a lot. realized that i am not so pathetic that i need to volunteer at the library, but i am a big enough loser that the librarians have me recomend books to other people because i am a prolific reader. ate a taco then went to matt's hoose. cried a little, but did not have any toast.

wednesday-i'm going to meet brenda, go to the gym, go to the doctor, go to walgreens, then have nature date with kevin.

THURDSday- mitch claimed this day. causual snuggling ensues. then off to work. also it's payday.

friday-still open. will probably go to the gym. unless someone else wants me. i'll start the bidding at free.

saturday-ellie date. then work work working

sunday-dad's hoose. i'll probably spend the night cause i don't have to babykill the babies on monday/tuesday for TWO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL WEEKS. The money is probably not worth the boredom.

and i have to find time to:
clean my car
practice estelle
buy hose/nozzle
bring money to robin (probably tomorrow)
wear contacts
take calcium tablets
buy new shampoo
clean room
organize a beach party

here's this for being realistic:
obviously he had to leave me because he is spider man and had to choose between being with me and, thus putting me in danger, or loving me from afar while keeping me safe from the green goblin. he's choosen the latter. I WANT THE FORMER.

boys are easy to trick anyway.

3 werdz | leave werds

:: 2004 22 June :: 1.35pm

at least i'm not posting lyrics. One of those three doors down songs is a good one though. but i am listening to b93.

TWENTY-SIXXXXXXXXX!

1 werd | leave werds

:: 2004 21 June :: 6.24pm

Missing you fiercely. Still. Times 27. Come back now.

2 werdz | leave werds

:: 2004 20 June :: 9.50pm

So I bought new clothes again. They make me feel better. And I had a really good time with Sam and Rob.

but i still feel scared being home and stuff.

and i'd go back.

and 28 days.

BUT WAIT!
Grandpa was being really funny. He said, "Sarah doesn't like horses, she likes boys."

and I enjoyed that

this week:
m-babysitting. . . MUST FIND A POOL!
t-babysitting and the zoo with sam
w-clean car, practice clarinet, go to doctor. . . hang out with ______? (someone fill in the blank)
t- hang out with ______? then work? i think. maybe i'll go to the gym
f- see thursday
s- see thursday
s- see thurdsay

m-start all over again.

9 werdz | leave werds

:: 2004 19 June :: 2.22pm

My tribute to Jessie Wilde

Good things about today:
1. My hair is not frizzy and I parted it on a different side
2. I bought School of Rock
3. I've been hanging out with my cousin and I almost felt fun
4. I'm going to Grand Haven tomorrow
5. I haven't cried and I'm going to put on mascara
6. It's very nice
7. Twenty-Nine days is only one day more than four weeks.

8 werdz | leave werds

:: 2004 18 June :: 8.22am

I don't think I take thirty more days of this. I hate this house. I hate myself.

This summer was supposed to be so great. Now everything is turned on its head. Once again it's like I'm just exsisting and not really feeling. And I'm not eating. I COULDN'T EVEN EAT STRAWBERRIES. I'm not hungry though. It just makes me sick.

I want to do something, but I'm too nervous. My mom sucks. I know I'm a lucky girl with everything. But I can't focus on that because it doesn't matter. I don't have everything. The person I want is not here. He'll probably never be here again. It's like he's dead, but only to me. I'm jealous of everyone who gets to see him. And any future plans just seem hazy now.

Let's Focus on these things:
1. I am not able to lay in my bed all day. Or sit and stare at things

2. I do have some mighty good friends

3. nothing. this list sucks.

Why couldn't he have hit me or been mean? I can't even get angry. That would be better than being sad. At least then I could release some energy.

3 werdz | leave werds

:: 2004 17 June :: 3.17pm

31.

:: 2004 16 June :: 9.55am

I wasn't going to take a shower today. I have 32 days to take a shower.
Yesterday I spent some time with the floor. Screaming at it.

But here are some goals:
1. Start wearing contacts
2. Call Brenda
3. Prevent ostioporosis
4. Stop thinking/Distract myself with anything
5. Practice clarinet

Also things I won't miss

1. Waiting to be let down
2. Secrets and awkwardness
3. His mom
4. His driving

But everything else.

DEAR GOD! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE WINDOW AND OPEN THE DOOR AGAIN?

but i read the e-mail again. it doesn't hurt the second time. well not as much.

going to see the doctor today.

7 werdz | leave werds

:: 2004 15 June :: 7.42pm

I WAS okay. But now. God.

other people.

33 days until i die

5 werdz | leave werds

:: 2004 14 June :: 3.40pm

hey everyone

my computer is totally broken so thats why i haven't been on lately. anyway...i just wanted to see whats goin on around here with you guys. hows your summer going? mine is really boring actually. i hope the weather clears up soon or i'm going to go crazy.

love....ronnnnnnnnn

5 werdz | leave werds

:: 2004 14 June :: 12.06am

I think my summer will be a bummer. There were so many things that we were going to do. And now? I'm dying. No not dying. Just sort of withering. I'm okay if someone is distracting me. Or if I'm working.

But this can all be very comical. Getting dumped. For the next 34 days I'm going to take myself on a magical journey to feeling better. That's right. . .deadline.

Thirty-Four Things I've felt in like the last five minutes.

1. Sad
2. Worried
3. angry
4. small
5. tired
6. overwhelmed
7. betrayed
8. rejected
9. abandoned
10. remorse
11. nostalgic
12. bitter
13. nervous
14.senstive
15. sick
16. dead
17. wired
18. clingy
19. scared
20. crushed
21. lonely
22. hysterical
23. mopey
24. wasted
25. disconected
26. vunerable
27. pathetic
28. lost
29. weak
30. ugly
31. quiet
32. desperate
33. uncomfortable
34. crazy

3 werdz | leave werds

:: 2004 12 June :: 11.50pm

Just 10 minutes and THIRTY FIVE ugly days until I'm whole.

:: 2004 12 June :: 6.50am

Thirty-Six days.

:: 2004 11 June :: 6.20pm

I've been dumped. Or pushed aside until July. I'm not sure yet.

But someone put an offer on the house.

:: 2004 10 June :: 9.48pm
:: Mood: dreading
:: Music: smashing pumpkins-here is no why

I don't understand.

But mom yelled at me because I was beating my dresser to death. And then I got the door involved.

It's not like I'm going to sleep. I'm so nervous and an angry. This is the last time though. That is my promise. I won't go through it again.

1 werd | leave werds

:: 2004 10 June :: 8.56pm

When have people even paid enough attention to me to even notice a change?

5 werdz | leave werds

:: 2004 9 June :: 5.26pm

So I guess today is National Tell Sarah You're Coming Over and Then Not Day.

I'm okay though. We're going to fix things. And obviously my love of Bosco Sticks and books is greater than my sadness.

friday friday friday friday friday.

ipromiseipromise

:: 2004 7 June :: 9.10pm
:: Mood: unraveled
:: Music: smasking pumkinds-farewell and goodnight

I'm making myself so nervous.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

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