Mike
Uumm, yeah Mike. Hes been texting me all day. I like him. Hes coming to mine on tuesday and hes coming to metal guru to get my nipple or tragus peirced. ^_^
Apparently I spoke to damian last night but its lost in the haze of drunk. Ah well. Gonna go through the process of taking his pictures down and putting the stuff he bought me away tonight.

woot for last night.
Last night kicked sooo much ass, got uberbly drunk and stoned. I think im still a little drunk actualy. Paid for fuck all of it as well, went out with a tenner came back with 5 quid after buying fags.
Damian didnt come, kinda sensible really as I proberbly would have ended up getting upset, hes right its still too soon. Tis gona take a hell of a lot to get over him.
Random pullage though. I managed to stay away from john most the night (did get off with him once but blergh), which was good. And I did randomly kiss lini (errm ick) and some person (also ick).
I spent most of the night with mike, hes good ^_^. Ended up doing stuff (not bad stuff but some stuff). Hes gonna give me a ring today n he txtd me much last night. Meh, ill see how things go.

Random blabberings
I hate john being so sleazy and gross (even if he is buying all my drinks on friday its still fucking annoying). Hes supposed to be my friend.
My mam is having an 'im going to make sally feel as bad as possible about herself' day. The cow.
And jono is a psycho!
I really dont need all this (among other things) after last night, I got a grand total of about 3 and a half hours sleep because of that fucking dream scaring the shit out of me. I kept going over and over it in my head, which isnt unusual after I dream about it but ... I dunno. I just really hope I dont have it tonight. I could do with a good sleep.
Thank fuck for emma, she sat with me all day and wrote stuff, shes a good writer.

edit - got my hat back of martin ^_^(must remember to give him his dvd when out)

Nutral Tones
We stood by a pond that winter day,
And the sun was white, as though chidden of God,
And a few leaves lay on the starving sod,
--They had fallen from an ash, and were gray.

Your eyes on me were as eyes that rove
Over tedious riddles solved years ago;
And some words played between us to and fro--
On which lost the more by our love.

The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing
Alive enough to have strength to die;
And a grin of bitterness swept thereby
Like an ominous bird a-wing....

Since then, keen lessons that love deceives,
And wrings with wrong, have shaped to me
Your face, and the God-cursed sun, and a tree,
And a pond edged with grayish leaves.

Uber blizzard of DOOM
twas so snowey today, kick ass, we got to miss two lessons cause of it.
Just this minuet got back from luceys. Twas much fun, me and martin went down and tormented steve over the internet. Steve is a cock.
SHAT ive just thought. martin has my hat with ears >_< ah well i have his dvd ^_^ shall ring him and tell him to come here to get it back as he has carness and only comes into college once in a blue moon.
im in two minds about thingy, on one hand he has all the stuff i like in a bloke but on the other hand he has qualities in him that have fucked me over in the past. Im starting to see a patern here harris, jason, cuv and damian to some extent. Maybe i just go for dick heads *shrugg*

Break up.
Damian and me broke up. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, was particularly cold over the last couple of weeks/month.
Its ... I don’t know what it is. I don't even know if I feel anything. I know I love him, allot, a hell of a lot. I'm gonna try make that stop though, can't handle it if I let myself go on loving him. Actually I don't know how to handle it. He said before he left; don’t go back to how you were. How I was being sleeping around to make me forget and the whole cuttness stuff among other things. But that’s the way I dealt with stuff, especially stuff like this. If it happens it happens I suppose, don’t want it to though, really really don’t want it to. Bad stuff.
I remember what happened in my last big break up, no crying and stuff then, I just rang fucking Jason up. Fucking tosser. Then that bit of the Jason saga lasted till he moved away. That fucked me up good and proper.
I really do need to find better ways of dealing with stuff.
This is weird though, I've never felt this stuff before, I’ve felt close but not this.
It’d be so much easier to just block it all out, be like I was before with the whole 'emotions are gay' stuff. I don’t really want to but that’s what’s going to end up happening. It’s only when I’m not like that that I get hurt.
The quote ‘I’m only going to stay with her until I get my money sorted’ keeps ringing in my head. And that’s how it ended up. In the end that is all he was with me for he kept saying that he thought I was ugly (well not in those words but...) and that he didn’t like the way I acted so I figured why is he with me then? He wasn’t in love with me, just with what I could give him. I figured that out like 2 months ago. Didn’t care though, I just want(ed) to be with him cause I love him so much.
Ah well, at the end of the day only love can break your heart. And I was very in love.

One whoolllee year.
It seems like I havent written in this for agggesss.
I have pre-period blues, I feel sad for no reson and my tummy hurts. I think a long sokey bubbly bath may be in order. Still contemplating that implanty thing. Not sure though, itd be a bitch if Ihad a bad reaction to it but pills annoy me a bit. Gah, I care not.
Im still mulling the contents of mams diary in my mind. It was really upsetting to read, it was like some one else had made it up because i always thought my mam was strong and was a door mat for no-one, but its all just a front, and nowi know about it i can see the flaws in the front. i know how part of her problem feels, the bit about the person youre so in love with fucks you over, i know it well actualy, past relationships and present. And i know it hurts like hell, all the time untill you learn to live with it. Broken heats are the most painfull thing ever. I dont know what happens after a heart heals though, never let meself find out really. I know what happens after some one else heals it (even if they did screw it up a bit alongthe way) and its good, very very good. So maybe, in the long run things will work out ok for mam, but not for a long time.
Im proud of her for leaving it though, even if it took her longer than trisha would recomend (i hate that programme). Thats somthing ive never been able to do, leave when i should.
Ive found similaritys with me and my mam that ive not known about before too which even if they are bad things make me feel loads better about myself (sounds gay i know but its true) cause if shes doing ok with all these secrets then so can I. I look up to my mam, ive just decided.
On a lighter note twas me and our damos one year mark yesterday. I cooked, couldnt afford to get him anything though, im gonna get him a random surprise one day as a late one when i have money. somthing he said that made me laugh: damian first elbowed me to wake me up then said 'do you want a doh-nut' 'no..? 'i do' then he rolled back over farted and continued watching telly. Heh. Hes still asleap at the moment, hes sleeping paterns fucked up again, its fucking annoying.

my poor new jacket =(
I was prrly in college today i threw up in one of the bins outside dermots room and it went over the sleve of my new jacket so i rang my mam to pick me up =( i feel sad for my jacket now, brude lended me his coat too keep me warm as i was all shivery and shakey but still =(
yey the boyfs coming sooon ^_^
I just read my mams diary even though i promiced me i wouldnt, i feel bad about it because there was a lot of things in there i didnt want to know. Ill explain later cause im gona go wash my sleave now

GIVE ME A JOB DAMNIT!!
really, my cash flow situation is getting desperate. I actualy have the motivation (finaly) to get a job. Its just the finding a job thats bugging me. Our Damo didnt want me working satrday and sunday (holiday inn) but i think maybe he'd be okay with the occastional saturday, staurdays are shit anyway all i do it say in bed. This means after college and sunday stuff only which is gona be tricky but ill find one damnit >.<
I shall have to speak to out damo about it and start ringing round places.
I will have a job before summer or i wont be able to party hard. *winge winge winge*.
Time to be productive and do some work...

Shopping hurts my everything
This weekend was weird. Me and the boyf went to the acklam and emma was there and so was charlotte and john. It was like the times we used to sleep at emmas after the arena and stuff (If emma and siggy and richie has been there it would have been a full house) and we all went out with bottles of vodka in our bags and buy like one drink. heh, and emma ran round like a mongstick trying to get everyone in the taxi at the end of the night. The grape fights and the 3am tesco trips. and the people in greggs thinking siggy was a fat bastard and when ritchie ripped siggys pants heh. I miss that. Lots.
We were gonna go in the arena but I started to feel sleepy and my tummy started hurting again (its been doing that alot lately, its like cramps but worse and random, starting to worry a bit actually) so we went home and I passed out.
It surprised me that damian was up for going in the arena. Hes been wonderful this past week, very lovely. Love him lots ,couldn’t really ask for a better boyfriend even if he is a cunt. And hes got a nice bum. I like the way he makes me feel all safe and protected, thats a huuuggee difference from the last time i was really in love.
The tash has to go though.
I was thinking the other day, well friday. I was thinking about iveforgotenhername, not sure why. It reminded me of when I used to do it, it was weird I started to miss it. Which is stupid. I continued thinking and made a clicky, when I stopped that stuff was when i started the whole 'i dont do emotions' stuff, which makes sense really cause I only ever did it if i going to cry/have and emo outburst because it distracted me, worked like a charm as well but damian would disown me if i even thought about it. So yeah ...
Wonder if im ever gonna make a short post?

this week in genral
has been pretty blah, the good bits were when me, lucy, liam and lau all went in ellens new skoda to the car wash, that day was fun. 3 colours of foam ^_^
That was the only good bit really. Mams been strange this week, on tuesday she told ellen that I shouldnt be trusted. Ellen told me this on wednesday, i went dow to ask mam why she said it and she spouted some crap about how ellen always says yes to me and stuff (which is untrue) and if that wasnt enough then she started going on that i looked like crap. Doesnt she get that its quite enough to kow that yore ugly and fat and disgusting without your own mam pointing it out. Fucker. and why would she tell my sister not to trust me? thats what upset me the most.
Yeah so anyway that upset me so i hoped into bed with damian to try and cheer up but i started crying (despite my second best efforts). Im glad damian was there though, he did all the right stuff, gave me hugs asked me what was wrong n sutff and more hugs and stopped my from getting ridiculous by sending me upstairs to sort meself out. Fankoo damian xxx. so i ddint go to college that day cause i hate them seeing me cry. hate it with a passion.
By the time mam got home though she was nice as pie. Offred to take me shopping and stuff.
Were going shopping tomorow. Gonna buy some new boots for my suit and a top to go under suit and pinstripe trousers and the list goes on, yey.
Lau got confronted in college on thursday. She'd even gone that far as the turn Mez off her so Mez said stuff to her and she stormed out. Apparently accoring to brnsey who went to college with her last year (when she made up the first rape story) she got made appologise to the two lads who shed accused by the police. Shes one messed up girl, sort of feeling bad for her though.
Anyway im going ill finish this entry later.