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m&ms487
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2006 26 November :: 8.26pm
Driving home brought so many thoughts into my head. I have an immense fear of those around me dying. That's probably my biggest fear. Some nights I lie in bed and think about things as if someone was dead. What would I do? What would I feel? It always makes me start crying in the end, and I feel like I've committed some sin, as if thinking about that persons death is equated with me wanting them dead. How would I feel if I thought about them dying tonight, and then they did die tomorrow. Then all I'm left with is guilt, and all I have done is lie in bed before sleep overcomes me.
I've been lucky. No one close to me has died. I know it will happen soon enough. I don't wish for it, but the truth is, no matter how much I or anyone else wants to deny it, is that we all secede to death. It's our final end, an end we have little control over. I thought I had control over it once. It had control over me.
My grandparents are old and frail. They act with dignity, but they are slowly realizing death will come soon. They are planning the rest of their life for their death.
Do I plan my life for death? Do any of us? Do we wake up in the morning, watching the sunrise, or falling out of bed, or dreading another monotonous normal day and think of death? Should we? Would that circumvent the reason, whatever that reason may be, why we are living?
If we thought of death everyday, could we enjoy life? Are we meant to enjoy life?
Are we suppose to be "grieveing the sun" on it's final journy to the horizon? Or are we suppose to ignore the inevitable, find some shallow work to busy ourselves with, and only recognize the end when it comes knocking at the door to your [trailer, suburban two story, houseboat, yacht, mansion, cardboard box] home?
I am reminded of death when I look at my grandparents, the leafless trees, the brown grass, and deer splattered along the roadway.
Perhaps we are never meant to come to terms with death, only await it's inevitability. Freedom from our imperfect bodies may be our biggest birthday present. I once thought it was.
Michelle
5 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 24 November :: 12.30pm
Thanksgiving.
Work.
Feet hurt.
Loverly.
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 21 November :: 1.35pm
I will be home at approximately ten p.m. for all of those who wanted to know.
Jessie: I expect a romp with you within just a few days of my return.
Michelle
3 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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2006 20 November :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Elastica 2;1
The list is getting longer but the base is getting stronger
My car is fixed.
Cellphone Still Lost.
Still owe the bank money.
Still in debt with credit cards
Still working one shitty job
Still Living at my dads house.
Still alone.
(Ive got some problems to work on)
(but at least one of them is solved)
1 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 20 November :: 6.32pm
:: Mood: contemplative
I lay down exhausted,
But sleep will not come.
I get up,
Wash my face,
Put on new night clothes.
But sleep,
Sleep will not come.
I cease my thoughts,
Lie blank, staring.
But sleep,
Sleep will not come.
I recite these lines,
An unorthodox prayer.
My eye lids grow heavy,
I try to remember these lines
For the morning.
Creativity comes,
In this void of time.
When all I wish is
To remember until morning.
And sleep,
Sleep comes,
At a most inappropriate time.
2 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 20 November :: 3.18pm
ANT 175 Archeaology of the Americas
EDU 107 Intro to Education
ENG 175 Intro to literary analysis
ENG 232 American Lit Real-present
PSC 105 Intro to amer. govern.
MUS 186U UNIVERSITY BAND!!
All of my classes are in the same building, except for uband of course, and they're all on MWF.
Heh. 16 credit hours, baby.
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 19 November :: 11.07pm
Laundry.
Tired.
Grumpy.
No energy for a real entry, although I have so much bottled up inside that I need to write about that one will be coming soon. I hate how when I wait to write, everything just doesn't come out right. When the passion for the moment has been replaced by reason and thought, I've lost any spark of creativity I might have possessed. Everything just comes out wrong after I mull it over.
Michelle
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 18 November :: 4.57pm
:: Mood: contemplative
I'm so excited that my car is fixed. I just went and got it from the parking lot in no man's land, and went and put gas in her (and got a cherry coke). I drove her all around and it made me happy.
And, I have half way good shifts for Thanksgiving weekend. 3p-11:30p on Thurs, Fri, and Sat. Of course, I'm sure I'll be staying into the wee hours on Thursday night/ Friday morning. Friday is what we in retail call "Black Friday". It's the most busy shopping day of the entire year, and it all started with the four a.m. sales. Last year they had lines of thirty people at all the open registers at four a.m.
The holiday season is starting!
Michelle
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 18 November :: 2.11pm
:: Mood: cranky
It's like when you eat all of the marshmallows out of the alphabets box and all you're left with is the dry, tasteless, cardboard-like letters.
I figured out all the classes I need to take to graduate from college. From my calculations, I have to take 17 credit hours every semester to get out of here in four years.
Sometimes I feel like the world is just trying to screw me over on purpose.
In a phrase to cut these lips
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