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m&ms487
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2006 13 June :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: distressed
The other morning I read a horribly depressing novella. It's call As We Are Now by Mary Sarton.
It's about an older lady who is a retired teacher, who never married, and is put into a nursing home run by two uncapable, corrupt, and inhumane women.
The woman, Caroline, slowly starts to lose her hope of ever returning to a normal life. She is constantly emotionally battered and humiliated. She becomes childlike in the way others treat her, and in the way she becomes frustrated with simple things.
Eventually she can stand her life any longer. She asks a friend to bring her lighter fluid every so often. Eventually she sets fire to the nursing home, and presumeably kills everyone inside: herself, the ameoba like dirty old men downstairs and the two women she hates.
I don't want to be like that when I'm older. I don't want to revert back to a childlike state. I don't want to know my life is almost over.
I do understand the frustration, the need to escape. However, the degenerate course of her mental state throughout the novel, slight, but noticeable, make her commit an act that she would have deemed unnatural a few months earlier. Desperate situations drive people to desperate acts. The old and incaplable are left to their own devices.
I know I keep rambling on, but the novel touched me in a way I will not realize for many years. I will probably not even remember it (the novel itself), however, I will always remember how vividly the author constructed a picture of Caroline's degeneration, and the thought I must never end up that way: alone and desperate.
I've been working a lot lately. I have fourty hours this week; a sizeable check. The future is starting to look shading and every time I do it I feel I am one step closer to fucking up my life. However, the boredom and drudgery of every day life always counter acts that feeling ( not the best choice, either, but what the hell...).
Am I falling into the cycle that other before me have? I'm at a jumping off point right now. I could choose to work at Meijer the rest of my life (oh, i know, a promising vocational choice...), become a begrudged, senile member of the working class, get married, stretch out my vagina and other organs numerous times by having children, watch them grow up not having everything they want (i wouldn't give them everything they wanted, even if I could, however), worry about debt, and how I will stay sane, and hopefully make it through all that just to retire with a broken down body and a mind lacking the refreshing breeze of valueable knowledge and thought.
Or I could go to school.
Choices, Choices...
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. ~Flora Whittemore
-michelle
1 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 6 June :: 10.45am
So this is how it rolls: List ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.
1. You make him SO happy, You'll like what he gives you.
2. I want to do it again.
3. I hope to god it will all work out.
4. Thank you for your insight.
5. I want you to always be here, but I doubt you will be. I will miss you more than anything in the world.
6. You don't know you're gay.
7. I think it's cute that you don't know what you're doing.
8. Your ackwardness is what makes you wanted.
9. You need to get over yourself.
10. I love you, pips.
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 6 June :: 10.34am
:: Mood: confused
So my life's focus is working now. You don't know how much that sucks.
I don't want to waste my life, but it's so tempting.
I'm reading Girl Interrupted. I started about an hour and a half ago when I woke up and I'm almost done with it. It reminds me so much of so many things I thought I was the only one who thought them.
I have trouble with that, putting what I think into words. I just can't describe some of the thoughts that go through my head. They are so painfully abstract.
I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on anymore, but I guess I never really quite did in the first place. I'm on the painful edge of being an adult, but still living at home with the same rules I had when I was twelve. I defineately do not do the same things I did when I was twelve.
I'm ready to go, but I'm obligated to stay. This debate will last a lifetime.
In a phrase to cut these lips
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runningfreak
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2006 6 June :: 1.27am
:: Mood: Tired and Burned
This Hurts...
11 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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runningfreak
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2006 2 June :: 10.56pm
:: Mood: dirty
Yes...
I am finally done.
I finally graduated.
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 2 June :: 9.29pm
"I want what is yours, and I want what is mine"
It's like putting the kool aid into the pitcher and watching the water turn a lovely shade of translucent red.
It all dissolves into a homologous mixture, each part containing equal parts of the solution.
Except, it's never really that perfect. It's all very unequal upon closer inspection.
A closer inspection reveals what you may have never known as the fruity, sugary goodness flows down your throat.
In a phrase to cut these lips
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runningfreak
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2006 2 June :: 5.49pm
:: Mood: exhausted
Ok, so the other night I didnt really go swimming with Katie naked but I did go skinny dipping the day after.
Simply put, Jess Sly and I decided that we were bored swimming in our suits so we took them off in broad daylight. She ended up losing her top in the lake which was rather hilarious. Anyway, we swam like that for at least an hour and eventually the boys came out and joined us briefly. Abbey and Vicki joined us later topless but nothing more.
I had the most wonderful time that I have had in a while. I have no problem getting naked cause I have learned to be content with the way I look.
"If I could run around naked without being severly penalized then by all the green grass in Ireland, I would."
In a phrase to cut these lips
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m&ms487
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2006 31 May :: 3.49pm
You send me off,
With wishes of
Good Health and Good times.
Forget-me-nots line the road,
and i'm not suppose to
look back, but i do.
It's not your fault
But my very own
Don't look back and see me here.
I am stagnant,
in a pool
of my own blood and tears.
In a phrase to cut these lips
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Tails
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2006 31 May :: 3.09am
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: The Dresden Dolls - First Orgasm
Little bits And pieces of clouds.
Its been raining all day. on and off. then steady. now its raining.
I fucking love the rain it allows you to stop and think.
i went to the park alone and sat (not morely) a cop came up behind me and asked what i was doing out here.
Me: "trying to clear my head"
Cop: "troubling isnt it?"
Me: "yes it really is, especially when you cant decided on whats worth leaving and whats worthing taking"
Cop: "maybe i should just take your I.D. run it and let you sit"
Me: "that would be nice"
Cop: "ill be back"
(She runs my I.D. and all is well)
Me:"Thank you officer, Have a good night"
Cop: " you too matt, and remember something for me."
Me: "yes?"
Cop: "Whats left to lose?"
I stood stunned and in complete and utter awe at what just happen.
As she walked back to her car and took off all i could to what sit there and stare into the fucking trees as the rain picked up and fell warmer.
It was like i had been trapped in a fucked up movie.
it was perfect. It was honestly the answer i was looking for for so long.
But who was she? Why did she tell me that?
Why would she say that?
Why wouldnt she just be like get on out of here or something else rude and cop like?
Why did she tell me that profound truth?
Maybe she was sent to me from something or somewhere.
either way it was interesting and felt great to sit in the rain and think alone and clear my head of thoughts with a little assitance
BTW Becky, Run with the passing of the torch my dear. Run fast and dont stop.
3 I love you |
In a phrase to cut these lips
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runningfreak
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2006 27 May :: 11.23pm
:: Music: Grey's Anatomy Soundtrack
Why...
I am such a horrible person I cant believe it. I have fucked up so many times that it isnt even worth trying to fix. Now that I look back I have broken so many hearts just because I could but I never thought twice about the person that I was doing it to. Like with Jimmy. I really did like him alot and I dont know why but I dropped him for Zach and why I did that I dont know. I think about Jimmy all the time and when I look back on it, I find that I have made a humongous mistake. I should never have let him go to be with Zach. I find that is the biggest mistake that I have ever made. I called him a while back but I dont think it helped any. I wish it did. He was the first person that I really truelly felt for since my first heartbreak which was terrible. Usuallly after a while I have a neutral feeling about things like this but it has been almost a year and I still wish I hadnt been such a bitch because I am really not like that. I wish I could go back in time and change it all. I wish so badely. But I can wish all I want but it isnt going to happen. I only knew him briefly but I really fell for him more than I thought I did at the time.
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
If it were only that easy.
In a phrase to cut these lips
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