:: 2004 2 July :: 11.45 am
:: Mood: just woke up/ fine
:: Music: AFI- Number 8

Close the World |

:: 2004 1 July :: 2.24 pm
:: Mood: fine

buda
Well, it stormed this morning and woke me up at 7 but I went back to sleep and when I woke up at 11:20 it was clear skys and sunshine so yea.. lol

Mom worked early so she is home now.. and has been for about an hour.. Brook is at work now.. I think.. Creg charged... Beer to Brook's account and he isn't 21 so he might have to pay a fine or get fired but he is hoping just to get yelled at, but I'm sure he's not in any real trouble, since he knows the guy who owns the place. So, he'll be off around 5 and mom wants to go fishing so that is time with Brook.. that is if I can get ahold of him ^^',\

But yessers.. bored as hell and hungry.. yep..

.. yea..

~

_____________
10:27


1983 is when Brook was born.. ..

I didn't get to see him today.

He called at like 6 something after I had called. He had gotten off at 3:30 and was over at Daniel and Amy's house. Daniel called me and said he needed me to cover for him tonight so I agreed and worked tonight with Jon and Amy.

Brook said that he was calling just to call before he left.. he went out with Creg.. and.. José.. José was gonna drop them off or soemthing. But yea.. brook said he'd stop by at my work if he could.. I didn't see him so i'm guessing that he was drunk.. or just plum forgot which i doubt...

Jon said I was looking good today.. ::slight smile:: he told me to put him on my waiting list for guys.. he said wished I was older lol.. damn.. I told him that Brook had me all booked up.. ... .. dang... crazy. Jon is the one that gave me what little confidence I do have..

.. Yea.. .. brook.. well I'm getting off just in case he decides to call when he's drunk again lol..

...


Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 30 June :: 2.04 pm
:: Mood: fine fine
:: Music: Rasmus

Close the World |

:: 2004 30 June :: 12.18 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Rasmus- The Shadows

Close the World |

:: 2004 28 June :: 1.17 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: AFI

Close the World |

:: 2004 28 June :: 12.09 pm
:: Mood: fine

buda
Well, I missed Luis's call when I was at chruch. He is in Puerto Rico right now... I'm a bit upset that I didn't catch his call.. dad was on the computer anyway and it was a message -.-'

Mom feel down the stairs not less then an hour ago -.-' I swear that woman is a walking hazard. I was right there and kinda cought her >_> after she had all ready fallen -.-' She is ok. Her shins are a bit achy and legs and all but.. she over steped the step and just went head first into the carpet -_- she is lucky there are only 2 steps -.-' like a 2 foot fall.

... haven't talked to Brook all day.. no messages, nothing.
Last night at like 12:00 he called.. Brook.. Drunk of course.. and wanted an answer to if I was gonna go out with him or not but.. I said I wasn't going to answer him and I've decided that next time he asks me I'm gonna tell him 'you should know I'm yours if you want me' yeps.. something like that anyway. That phone call last night was full of laughters.. I talked to creg too! He is so funny when he's drunk! He wants me to hook him up with a babe so I picked Kelly lol I still have to find out what her number is. I told him to sing to me and he did and I heard Brook join in in the background lol.

Took Amy into town with me today... went to the mall DDRed then bought me Eerie Queerie vol. 3 and a magazine that had a page on Gackt in it! Ga-ku-to ^^ it was the only why I bought it :} Yep went to the Shoe Dept. and bought me some Sketchers black with pink trim shoes that where on sale for 40$ and dad paid 16$ of it with check since I spent all my money almost so tomorrow when I get my check I'll pay him back ^^ I hope I get to waitress soon.. that'll give me a shit load more money o_o
Dangit I miss Brook.... .. damn.. .. .. god.. .. if I do.. if I.. argh If I am his girlfriend or will be whatever.. then.. will it change anything? ... .. god.. I just want to know what he's doing 24/7 ... damn..

... argh.. I hope mom's legs are hurting her too bad in the morning.. it's fucked up that she has to work.. she's an old fucking lady damnit.. she has to put up with so much shit at work too.. fucked up.

Well, I want to get off just in case Brook decides to call.. I wonder what time it is right now in Puerto Rico..

.. I can't believe he called me.. damn..

.. can't believe he remembers me.. dispite what he said too...


~

Close the World |

:: 2004 27 June :: 12.05 pm
:: Mood: fine but cold
:: Music: AFI-Sing the Sorrow baby

Close the World |

:: 2004 25 June :: 10.22 am
:: Mood: fine

buda
Well, mom kicked my ass in tetris -.-' so I got to bed at like 2:30 and mom came in my room at like 4 saying that she thought brook called becaues it rang once.. then someone called again.. o.o ^^ I star 69nd it and low and behold he picked up.. and guess what? He was drunk.

.. .. when he's drunk.. he says that.. he can talk.. that when he's sober he never knows what to say.. and he said that he really likes me.. and thinks he has something special here.. and.. .. dang man.. it was crazy.. .. but.. anyway.. he just said that.. bethany never... understood him and.. .. he.. likes me .. and wants to see me.. and.. it's just.. weird... .. .. he.. just ..had me in tears again.. .. .. .. and.. Autum did read the letter and said that that was wrong that he wasn't a drunk or anything and.. I guess.. Bethany .. either lied about stuff or just had no clue.. and.. it's just.. crazy.. .. he talked about bethany alot.. and.. .. yea.. but.. creg read it too. .. and.. .. I mean dang.. ... .. but.. anyway mom came into my room and wanted me to rub her legs because she coudlnt' get to sleep and.. brook had.. stoped talking alot.. and.. so I said yes.. and he used to rub his mothers legs.. he said they used to get numb and ache.. and.. that he'd stay up all night for his mother.. .. god.. it's so sad.. .. she meant so much to him.. she still does... .. he just says that i'm different.. that I was raised different.. with biker parents like him.. and.. I don't know.. but I went in there and told him not to ask me anything that I could'nt answer with my mother there... .. and.. anyway.. we was laughing on the phone and mom was up like me and we all was just laughing and they both was making fun of me and i was telling brook about mom's iq test and it was funny and we was all laughinga nd having a good time and then.. brook asked me.. because i told him about bethany asking if we was going out yet.. and.. he asked.. what i thought about it.. if I wanted to or not.. and.. i didn't answer him .. and so when i was rubbing mother .. he said 'you know you never answered me' .. and.. .. yea.. I still haven't.. but anyway.. ^^' he fell asleep on the phone xD ha ha I was yelling at it and mom was cracking up and it was like 5 o'clock almost six and the sun was comming up and me and mom was wide awake and.. brook was asleep on the phong >_< xD ha ha we even put the alarm clock up next to the phone and set it off and ha ha nothing from brook. It was so halirious! mom and i was cracking up! .. I .. could hear him breathing.. Brook.. yea.. .. and.. he turned over.. and.. I heard him.. and... it was just.. I stayed on the phone for like 30-40 mintues .. just listening to him.. (that mixed in with 'broook wake up broook' lol) But yea.. woke dad up and we all went fishing like at 7 ^^ juts got back xD no fishies at all! .. I hung up on brook because my ear was bleeding ._. the back of it is cut or something.. when i was rough houseing with jahsem i remember my ears rubbed against his jearsy so.. yea.. that might of cut it.. but yea.. it doesn't hurt ._. it just looks bad ^^
No messages from him yet ^^ i wonder when he'll call lol.

He said he was ready to leave yesterday or soemthing but just didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to me or talking to me first.. god there was so much more he told me.. .. god..

.. I just can't explain.

He said he could get a scholarship and go to school while he waited for me.. he said that he'd have a reason to come back.. visit me in the summer.. crazyness. He said.. that.. he wanted to know now .. if I would.. want him to wait for me or.. just for him to never talk to me again. He said that my letter just confused him and I jumped from subject to subject -.-' .. :| .. I just.. .. .. .. god I dont' fucking know what to tell him.. I told him that I didn't have an answer for him (the boyfriend question too) and he said 'fine, i see how it is' and I'm juts like 'that's fucked up brook' and.. .. he said.. he called becaues he missed my voice and he was sorry for not calling much because he had work and .. .. it was just fucking crazy fucking crazy. He said he was willing to get in trouble for me at work and everything and this and that and it was just crazy and he's rushing things and I don't fucking understand he said he's not the type to ask questions and.. i just.. I Don't KNOW.


.. .. I still dont' know what to tell him.. I'm seeing him tonight when i work.. of course right?.. damn.. I just want to talk to him.. .. just talk.. and .. have him hold me.. and touch him.. .. ....

... ... I really am confused.

~

_____

12:35

Well, today when I was with Brook it was odd. He didn't push me answering him about the boyfriend whatever question and that's good because he would of just been disapointed I'm sure.. but.. yea... he was realllly hyper ^^' he was late because he had had 3 packs of starburst already and was working on another one ^^' damn was he h.y.p.e.r. Yea.. But .. yea.. nothing speacial happened as we sat at the bench at the park and then on the walk back he .. picked me up by the back of my knees and my back was to his chest and he just picked me up some and .. hugged me from the back like he usually does and.. anyway.. he.. xD keeps kissing me.. and.. >_< I just can't french him back in the light, outside.. in the open.. with people driving by xD ha ha ha I just can't -.- I'm too shy xD ha ha ha lmao yes but anyway.. .. we checked the time and he had to go walk to work so.. I was sitting down on this broken dresser/nightstand thingie that was out front for some reason, I used it as a chair, and .. anyway .. I'm like 'okay okay brook go to work' and.. lol it just sounded funny.. and.. he came up to me and I stood up to hug him goodbye and.. he kissed me.. pecked me on the lips.. and.. said 'ok' peck 'i'll' peck 'see' peck 'you' peck peck 'later' peck peck peck peck and i kept inching backwards with my head lol I dont' know exacting what he said but it was just weird ^^' lol.. I don't know xD but damn was he hyper! ..

Work was working in a damn lake back there. Somekind of water leak that had to do with the toliet and.. yea.. i was standing in like an inch deep puddle -.-' and so we got out at like 9 because of it.. and yea.. the toliet over flowed and then in the kitchen there was the water and it was just crazy.. ^^' but.. Amy was wokring and she has to open up in the morning at like 5:45 and I told her if she watn4ed my help that I would come in. I mean I have nothing else to do and sleep in just because I know once I wake up there'll be nothing to do and I'll be bored so yea.. she was surprised and anyway she said that they dont' get busy till like 9 so I might go in.. I really was going to when i said it but.. now.. i'm just.. i dont' know.. I just dont' feel like it but we will see in the morning.

Went to Brooks work after my work and.. he was int he back and I got me some nerd ropes and paid for dad's gas and... .. anyway he said to tell whomever was asking for him that he was buys and got off at 10 ^^',\ I told the lady to tell him it was me but.. yea.. she was gonna do that AFTER I left -.-' butthead.. so yes I didn't get to see hyper brook and .. yep.. no call YET.. and I'm taking the phone into my room JUST IN CASE he calls within an hour and a half.. I'll hook up the other phone since the cordless will die like in an hour and a half so we can get calls if yaknow .. we get any ._.

But yes yes yes.. and whatever... .. damn.. i just.. dont' get.. brook.. and .. me .. us.. this .. relationship.. do.. i want him as a boyfriend? I .. just.. .. do i really need one?


~Ja

Close the World |

:: 2004 24 June :: 12.52 pm
:: Mood: okay

..buda
Well, I called Anton and had him call Brook's place again.. no one picked up within 6 rings.. so.. .. I'm really worried that Brook might of left...
I mean.. in that letter.. I told him that I saw no reason in him staying here... ..

.. my parents were also gone when I woke up.. that was just before 12.. I don't know where they are.. I called the casino but.. they keep hanging up so I have no clue.. I'm thinking maybe fishing but.. I have no fricking clue.. .. .. damn..
Someone called this morning.. so says my brother and he didn't get to the phone in time and he tried to star 69 it but.. it didnt' work.. .. damnit Brook....

.. Where are you?

...

_____________
6:19


Well, I had called Brook again but no one picked up then I started to clean my room with my music real loud with the phone on my bed. My brother came and got the phone from me and I continued to work on my room and blah blah my brother came back to my room with the phone.. Brook was on the other end ^^ meaning he called!
Thing is he had worked yesterday and today, from 4 am to 4 pm.. he called at like 4 something too...
.. He was tired and kept yawning and .. he said he had lost the letter I wrote. He said that Autum might have it.. .. all I said was great -_- ... I asked him.. 'so what did you think of the letter?' he said 'it pissed me off' and I asked 'was it because of bethany or me?' and he asked 'do you want me to be honest?' I said 'yea' and he said 'you both did'.. .. I'm guessing me because.. I told him that I just didnt' understand why he would let a single person hold him back.. maybe he thought I would be happy that someone would wait or come back for me.. even my mother thought I wanted Brook to stay for me.. but.. I just dont see the point.. I just want whats best for Brook I suppose and the best is not staying here.. where might the best be you ask? I dont know but I'm pertty certin it's not around here. That and me saying in the letter 'you say you are waiting because of me is it really that or are you just saying that to cover up the fact that you are still waiting for bethany'... yea.. but.. He said he wasn't going to talk about it because it would just piss him off but I'm gonna make him talk about it.. I said i was hoping we could talk about it tonight at the lake but he was tired and needed his sleep and he might even work tonight agian so... he just works whenever they need him and he didn't even remember that tonight was the night we was supposed to go to the lake.. oh and my parents are still not back.. i think they went to that casino .. in like.. that hour away town.. yea i don't know.. but probably.. no calls from them.. asses.... .. anyway yeps...

Broook damn I want to just talk to him..

Jahsem is over here watching my DBZ Broily movie thing.. yea.. he is supposed to be helping my brother with his car but.. he is taking a break lol he loves DBZ and hasn't seen this movie yet.. it's ok

Anyway.. Brook Brook Brook...

.. damn... ..

I asked him 'will I hear from you tonight?' and he said that he honestly didn't know.. creg wants to do soemthing and he might work and he will be sleeping so... yea.. I dont' know and .. yea..


...

~

______
1:18 AM

Test your IQ!!! Lol go to http://web.tickle.com/tests/uiq/ and take the test. I remember when we did it at school I made a 117 and was a Visual Mathematician.. I just took it a while ago and scored a 126 and was a Insightful Linguist. ^^ my mom did it xD and made a 95!! ^^' damn I was cracking up at the answers she put. I made her sit next to me and I went though the thing again and explained it to her (which I think didn't help very much) and anyway she had different answers then mine so I did hers instead of mine and we got a 117 ^^ ha ha but yea tomorrow we are gonna make dad take the test xD ha ha ha please once you take it! let me make fun of you!!! I want to know your answers!

Ja!

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 23 June :: 11.43 am
:: Mood: fine/stomach kinda hurts/bit hungry

buda
Well, last night at like.. 12 or something.. or after that.. I was in bed and gave up on Brook's call and was listening to AFI in the dark and was like about asleep when I heard the phone ring twice and mom got it and she came to my room saying to call Brook back. And I asked 'was it him?' and she said 'who else would call and let it ring twice and hang up?' So I star 69ed it and yea... he picked up and it was him. He asked me what I had been doing.. I said sleeping. He's like see I knew I shouldn't of called I told him not to worrie about it. I asked him if he read the letter.. he said he's a slow reader.. and .. he said he did.. and. he.. was thinking.. he usually is never.. never quite on the phone.. and.. I could tell he was at a lose for words. He had to call someone else and was gonna call me back.. but.. he never did I think... I fell asleep anyway so I don't think he called, if it did ring it should of woken me up so.. yea.

Jakita pretty much banded Brook from work and I 'almost' lost my job because of him. .. yea in other words jakita was just bitching. She told us we couldn't have any friends over there and Amy was the waitress and Laura was there because Sonny was working and ha ha Jakita was bitching at Brook and said that she didn't even allow Laura to be there and right when she said that Laura had walked in the door (I wasn't there this is just what brook told me) ha ha Brook said she couldn't of timed it more perfectly ^^ but he idd'nt like being yelled at. He said he'd never been yelled at before ^^' such a baby xD lol he said his mother never did.. and I said 'oh so you mean no adult has yelled at you right?' that's what he meant... dang he just couldn't get it out of his head.
My plan was to get at work at 5:30 (got there at like 5:49) and sit at a booth and have him read that letter while I was there with him.. thing was jakita.. so we left and went to a park which was just beyond the ally.. so.. we sat at like the only bench and.. sat there.. absolutely nothing happened.. .. damn I wanted to touch him.. crawl in his lap so badly.. .. god.. but.. I haded him the letter and he just.. laughed and said damn please don't be front and back please don't be front and back and when he turned a page over he said 'dang' lol .. but yea..
....

.. yep... outside.. bethany.. said .. with a huge smile 'so are you guys going out yet!?' and I'm like omfg.. i can't believe her.. I said 'no' and she said 'oh you are but you aren't?' and.. i'm like 'what?' and she's like 'well i'm happy is all happy for him' and.. I just.. .. brook came out then and bethany and steph left and.. .. he was.. asking me what she said.. that he really wanted to know.. I told him why should I tell him when he didn't read my letter... the letter... and.. yea.. .. .. .. but.. .. I know .. it'll get to him.. .. i was like 'i wonder what she heard to make her come down here' .. and he said '... back in the day.. she could get me.' he was looking away while he said this.. i know.. he still loves bethany... and i'm all dandy with it.. i just want to be there for him.. as a friend.. .. just a friend.. 'i mean.. when i did something.. she'd know about it somehow' and it's true .. she told me she always knew where he was and .. stuff... yea.. .. but damn..

... that letter.. it said.. of how .. at the haunted walk.. and the.. when his mother died and how i didn't want to let him go when i had firsted hugged him and how i had to go to the pagent.. and how after that bethany started giving me rides home and how it became habbit to talk about him.. .. .. then.. how I felt when .. he called me and told me he was leaving.. and how i felt on my way to work.. how my heart .. just sank.. at how i would never get to know him.. and how shocked i was when we started to talk on the phone.... I told him how i wanted to just be there for him and how i wanted to help his and bethany's relationship and.. .. how.. he.. didn't ask me any questions .. that' how i told him i founded out that he needed me.. and that i was ok with that.. and.. yea.. .. ..
.. it was crazy..
...


....

________________

12:08

Well, I haven't talked to Brook all day.. damnit.. I had missed his call at 1:09... I got off the computer at like 2:28 and got his message.. damnit.. .. I wish I wouldn't of deleted it.. so I could play it back right now just to hear his voice. I had called him back after I got the message but.. no one picked up.. called at like 5:49 becaues of church and.. no one picked up.. ... Lance was at church.. I was so surprised to see him the first thing out of my mouth was 'is Brook with you?' .. yea.. he wasn't.. but... anyway it was just me lance and anton.. who showed up for chruch that is.. well that and white bethany and anthony indian anthony.. yea.. but.. it was fun.. me and lance talked for awhile.. he is cool.. .. like.. at 11 soemthing... I called anton and had him call brook .. but it turns out he wasn't there.. I should of had him ask him where brook might be but yea.. but anyway anton wanted to borrow a game from me right then and there so.. He came over and i gave him Forever Kingdom. I still haven't beaten that game..
Tired so I'm going to sleep.. ... tomorrow .. is thursday.. fishing day.. .. i hope i can get ahold of brook or having tomorrow off would of been pointless.. .

.. i.. just want to talk to him damnit.. it's been.. a long time .. a whole day.. since he's read that letter and we've yet to talk about it.. damn.. fuck tomorrow though.. if i can get ahold of him.. we can talk at the lake.. oh i hope we can..

..

~Ja

Close the World |

:: 2004 23 June :: 11.56 pm
:: Mood: fine

buda
... Well, last night Brook called me and.. he was Drunk.. yep.. over at Amy's.. drunk and high.. -_- ... he said he'd call me back at 1 so I kept the phone and waited... I wrote him a letter as I waited. I started I think at .. like at almost 2am and finished at like 3:33am.. Yea.. It was 5 sheets and 9 pages long.. front and back wise that is.
I gave it to him today.. at work.. .. he left and was suppose to read it and then come after we closed..but.. he said.. he had to stop after the 2nd page because it started to talk about bethany.. and he could'nt believe what she had said to me.. .. .. his face.. .. .. he loved bethany... i know he still does..
I was sitting next to him all complete and done.. i took his hat off and began to run my fingers in his hair.. it calms him down.. surprise surprise guess who drives up? Yep, Bethany.. and Stephany... .. I pulled my arm down and anyway.. .. I know he was glad to see her.. happy. .. he wanted to talk to her.. for her to talk to him.. it was so easy to read it off of him.. I was upset that he iddn't read the letter.. and there is more for me to tell but i want to get off because he was supposed to call me at 10-10:30 and.. my brother was on the internet till 11 so yea.. but .. I want.. him to read that damn letter.. i was going to type it on here.. but it's too long.. but.. it .. talks about how i .. first saw him and.. his mother.. and.. my feelings .. and how i knew he needed me .. and yea.. the end of it said 'i have feelings for you now, Brook'.. yep..
..

.... damn...

~

Close the World |

:: 2004 21 June :: 12.16 pm
:: Mood: fine

buda
No call from Brook. Dad took mom to the hospital.. she isn't feeling well. Called in sick twice for work so she kinda has to go to the hospital to back her story up. They are also taking back the fishing poles they bought at wal mart since they are screwing up so apprently mom isn't feeling that bad.

Jessee Told me to.. see how I feel about Brook once he leaves... .. to really decide then.. it makes sense but.. dang.. I don't know...

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) You'll meet new people and hit it off right away. Acknowledge your feelings. "I like you" may be the magic words that will start an interesting relationsihp. Don't call the person you know is bad for you.

.. .. and what does this all mean? Hell if I know but I will know at the end of the day.. just like always..

Brook's a Libra too...

Oh.. Saturday night.. he.. went to Justins house and he didn't drink or smoke but he sold beer ^^ he had like 5 30-can packs in his car and a keg and he sold beer for $5 a can and joints $2 and cig's $0.25 lol ha ha he made a shit load of money he said.. dang lol people are crazy...

.. yea..

.... Brook..

_____

10:19 pm

damn.. Brook is about to leave again.

I could'nt get ahold of him before i went to work.. so i was at work and he showed up at like 6:37 and was pissed off.. i mean MAD.

Turns out he bought a baby crib for nathins baby and it was like $300 or something so brook went over and set it up and then went back to nathins and nathin was mad because i had called too much and they almost got in a fight or soemthing.. .. brook is pissed and ready to leave again.. I just.. He was really upset and.. yea.. well.. i could'nt do anything about it.. jakita came and brook ent outside.. and i did too.. it was 7 so i had to go back to work so.. he said he'd come back after jakita left... which was like an hour later.. -_- yea.. but anyway.. mom had to go to the hospital.. turns out she is one step away from having na-moan-ya.. she has acute bronchitis and can't go to work till saturday.. anyway she was at the ER and dad came to get me and i still had shit to do but it wouldn't of taken me THAT long but I told him that brook would wait with me and we'd walk to the sub shack.. so.. he let me go with brook and he went to go pick up mom and then pick me up.. so yea.. after work i went.. with brook and we walked like 7 blocks lol.. but we stoped at amy's... yea.. (brook had picked me up and swung me around too -.-' scary) but.. yea.. I still havn't .. put everything together what i want to.. tell/ask him.. but.. amy and themwas smoking weed.. and this indian guy offered brook and brook turned to me and said 'can i?' and.. anyway he took a 'hit' or whatever.. but. yea.. we left like 3 minutes after.. and.. kept walking.. we really didn't talk about anything.. like I wanted to..

I want him to come over tonight.. he doesn't know what he's gonna do.. he said he really wants to leave but then he doesn't and he hugs me when he says that he doesn't.. it's because of me.. damnit.. i know he needs to leave.. this isn't his kind of lifestyle.. .. dang.. poor brook.. damn.. anyway.. i asked him if he could get a ride into .. here.. my town.. and he said he might.. and i told him to try hard.. that i really want to talk to him.. and i do.. i need to tell him so many things and clear up his fuckign head.. ... he said he'd call.. from 11-12... yea.. but .. yea...

mom isn't supposed to do anything.. so i just got through making.. tuna.. sandwhiches.. damn it was harder.. then i thought. I had to make two kinds add pickles and a hold lotta shit and made a mess becuase i had to cut up lettice and yada yada.. but yea.. brook.. i'm getting off now.. .. damnit.. .. damnit... .

.. damnit..


...

~

Close the World |

:: 2004 20 June :: 11.07 am
:: Mood: whatever the fuck

buda
Damnit... damnit..

Yesterday at work.. Brook came.. and... we was next to each other.. and Jon was working .. and.. well.. damn.. Jon knows.. I'm all Brooks and.. I dont' know if I want to go as far as to say he's jealous.. but.. Jon was back in the kitchen and Laura was just somewhere and.. well Brook kissed me and I kissed him back A BIT not alot cause I didn't want anyone to see ^^' but I stoped and started to pull away and he kept asking 'one more one more' and so I did and didn't and yea lol.. .. yea..

But anyway... he cuddled the whole time.. and yea picked up called him once I got home and Creg and Vernen wanted to go do something since it was Saturday night (I missed yu yu hakusho and rave master because of brook -.-' completely slipped my mind) but anyway he promised me he wouldn't do anything.. and I told him that.. he could call me whenever.. where ever he was he could call me.. not to worrie about it because i would have the phone in my room.. problem is .. after wolf's rain i fell asleep because my father was on the computer... (11:00 pm) so.. yea.. woke up at 5:20 becaues of a creepy nightmare and .. did i miss his call? Did he call? He said if he didn't call that he would call me at 10:00 am this morning again... .. i went back to bed and woke up at 10:20 -_-+ did i miss his call again? Dad was on the computer so there was no way to tell.. i .. finnally got him off and called like at 10:30 and.. no one picked up.. .. called like 5 minutes after and it rang like 3 times and someone picked and hung up the phone without word.. called back at like 10:47 and star 67ed it so they woudl'nt know on the caller ID who it was and.. they hung up like on the 5th ring.. mom said that someone called at like 2:30.. damnit.. I missed it.. .. damnit damnit..

.. damnit!...

.. I dont' know where he is.. what he is thinking.. i can't believe i fell asleep...

... brook.. i really.. am about to stop all of this.. this is crazy.. i dont' need a guy.. right now anyway damnit.. what does he see in me anyway? .. he says he's always talking about me..

.. god.. just fricking god... damn.. i.. it's so easy being around him though.. our hands are always playing with each others..a nd i was tickling him really bad and he was banging his elbows on the wall squirming and he hit his head on the booth back and.. he kept telling me to stop and.. grabbed my wrists.. but.. the way he grabed them.. it was so gentle.. he is never rough with me.. .. damn.. .
He was beside me and was tired and yea.. well.. i was scratching the side of his neck and his ears and stuff and .. his head was on my shoulder and he was almost asleep.. .. damn.. why?
.. .. i just.. want to talk to him..

.. but i dont' know why.. i'm getting a cell phone.. damnit i have to get one.. my dad got so pissed off at me for telling him to get off.. i told them about.. him being sober for me and.. that.. was the reason behind his calling so late.. damnit.. goddamint.. i need to keep my mouth shut... not like they care anyway.


____

3:32

Well, right before dad and I went into town I called him and finnaly got ahold of Brook. Yea.. in other words he had just gotten home at like 10 am and yea.. but anyway.. yea.. I just.. need to cool it with Brook I think.. I don't know.. I dont' want to deny his kissing me but.. I just don't feel anything and.. his breath ain't too hott with his cigs and shit so.. I dont' see the point.. i'm just .. letting him think things that he shouldn't.. thinking I feel one way when I don't believe I do..

I'm cooking me a pizza.. i think after I eat it I'll call brook.. I dont know what to say..

..


...... .

________________________

10:25 pm

Missed Brooks call.. god. at church bethany said not a word to me.... .. and when she found out brook had been there last week.. wednesday, she just looked so hurt.. but oh well she did it herself..
..

yep.. I missed brook's call.. and.. he said he's going into town so he doesn't know what time he'll be able to call me.. so.. if it's not too late he'll give me a call.. yea..

... had a nice long talk with that guy that 23 year old guy who went to japan for college.. yea remember me talking about him? I told him about Brook.. he gives good advice.. him and Jahreee.. .. .. .. .. damn.. but.. this jessee dude.. .. he's the guy i'm talking aobut.. but man.. he had.. alot to say.. and.. god we talk and talk when we do talk.. ti's great.... but yea.. i'm tired.. and.. i dont' know why but i feel weird :\ I need a shower ^^ lol yea. .. shower then i'll sleep with the phone next to me.. .. thinking of brook.. .. . but why?


~ja

Close the World |

:: 2004 18 June :: 9.27 pm
:: Mood: fine/content
:: Music: Metal

Close the World |

:: 2004 18 June :: 12.50 pm
:: Mood: in thought/happy/content/tired
:: Music: AFI last song (#11?)

Close the World |

:: 2004 17 June :: 12.39 pm
:: Mood: content/tired

buda
Well Brook and I talked for 5 hours today on the phone.

He said that he was checking me out at the haunted walk and remembers the whole thing.. He said that.. well yea..

He also said something about a medicine man telling him something about a further woman that.. would be in his life.. like a wife/girlfriend that was like his mother.. like his family or something.. He told me that because he was surprised when I told him that my mother and father were bikers back in the day.. just like his mother.

I'm tired so I'll make it all short..
Brook surprised me by showing up at church.. damn he looked so damn good.. lip ring, spiked hair, black jinco's, a marron long sleeve shirt that.. damn showed off his body very very fucking nicely damnit.. Anyway.. it was chruch camp.. or something today.. all this week.. i forgot about it and yea.. so we played games today.. and painted on the walls.. yea.. it was fun.. Brook came up behind me every now and then and grabbed my sides and put his lips next to my cheek.. He's always doing that.
(oh he song this AFI song to me on the phone like twice.. it's a slow song.. yea I don't know what it's called and neither does he)
But anyway.. at church ... (bethany was at work so she wasn't there) I asked brook what he was doing after church and he said just chillin and I said 'at my house right?' he said hell yea.. lol.. Lance was with him too.. he's like his little bro, his shadow (so he says) damn there is so much I have to tell but dont want to at the moment.

Walked to my house and lance went off soemwhere and we went inside and my parents seemed happy to see him. We went out in the back after talking for a bit and played soccer.. yea.. lance came up in the feild too.. just kicked the ball for a bit. and then went to the door to ask if i could walk around (it was already dark almost).. lance went around the other way and was gonna meet us in the front yard.. at the door.. ... I looked at brook and he looked at me.. and knew i wanted him to hold me.. so he did. He's so tall.. his lips went right to my cheek.. like always.. his face is always next to mine.. .. heh.. it was funny.. we was right infront of the GLASS back door and he's all like 'oh his buda's mother, how are you doing?' lol while he was hugging me.. she really wasn't there.. oh nevermind.
Said bye and went outside ready to walk with permission from my parents.. they like him. As we walked.. Brook walked behind me and put his arms around my stomach and rested his head either next to mine or ontop of mine, my back pressed against him... it was wonderful.. .. as we walked around looking for them to get a ride from someone.. he kept holding me.. and his lips rested at my neck.. on it really. I could'nt tell if he was kissing it or not ^^' lol yea.. but anyway we went to chris and kellies and.. i didn't want them to see me with him but he did.. damn brook.. bethany lives right across the street from them and thinks brook isn't even here anymore.. anyway.. they wasn't home so we went off to try another house (this town his small so we like walked the whole town lol which is just like.. maybe 7 blocks if that many) and.. we came to a house, lance went off to the right and brook leaded me off to the left.. i really thought he was gonna do something but.. we just walked on like we where then right before we was gonna turn the corner he said 'ok, we can stop now' and.. he started to kiss my neck.. yea.. his hands never roamed.. i put my hand back on is neck and slid it under his shirt as far as i should. He had a cold sweat on him.. anyway lance peeked around the corner and a car came so yea.. we parted and then lance called jw and he was gonna give them a ride (my mother was their last resort lol ) and lance went off to his house and brook was walking me home.. like.. 3 blocks away?
Walked just like we were.. him kissing my neck and sucking on it a bit (should I stop lol? oh well my journal xD) and anyway i told him that he better not leave any marks and he said 'why not?' and i'm like i'll get in trouble is why and.. he laughed and kept on.. bite my necklance and tugged on it a bit.. and he's like 'what if i leave a mark right here in the middle?' and bite the middle of my neck and let go, very gentle .. and i'm like 'brooook' and he's like 'i know i know i'm just playing i know i'll get in troulbe too' and laughed.. .. he likes my parents.. the dogs on the other hand... yea..
But yea.. .. i wanted more and more of him.. his lips always so near.. god.. jw came after we had walked like.. not but a block and a half and he let me go and we hopped in.. i pressed my leg against his and his hand went to my knee, i smiled at him and placed my hand ontop of his. Instead of rubbing the inside of my thigh like I thought he would do.. like jonathin.. he .. grabbed my hand.. grabbed my hand instead.. damn.. how.. sweet.. .. just fucking damn..

I cant get enough of him.. i want to feel him with me right now.. ..

... dang.. a lust? A longing? .. fuck it's something.. He was supposed to call but my dad was ont he internet..
..

I guess brook just could'nt stand not seeing me today.. heh.. damn....

parents are fishing early in the morning.. i'm not.. i told them i'm not.. i don't feel like waking up early... brook is gonna be busy in the morning... gotta go to the indian hospital to pick up some meds and do this and that.. yea..

.. but anyway..


.. i can't wait till i get to see him.. aaron saw me and brook together.. i think arron might like me .. .. he sure did talk to me alot today while we was painting the wall.. and all i was thinking about was brook....

.. .. i can still feel his lips on my neck..

.. and .. when i think of jon.. i just.. get disgusted.. damn.. brooks been sober for me for like 3 days now.. no joints or drinking..for me.. .. and .. i like it.. but i know it's hard on him.. i know if he really wants to be clean he needs to leave.. .. .. but. i dont' want him to.. .. i want.. him.. i want him..
...

.. i really do..


~

Close the World |

:: 2004 16 June :: 1.07 am
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Daniel Kobialka-quilt

Close the World |

:: 2004 14 June :: 5.28 pm
:: Mood: fine fine/bit tired

buda
Would you believe me if I told you I just now woke up?

Well, no I didn't but I did just get off the phone with Brook a while ago. ^^ we talk and talk.. well it's usually me listening to him and.. yea.. He sings.. did I tell you? Rock music plays and he'll hold the phone away and sing.. but.. I tell him to sing to me.. and.. he said that I'd have to catch him drunk and that that's too bad because he just quit lol.. brook .. so cute. He sung.. on the phone.. he really does have a nice voice i'm impressed.. real impressed. He said that it was werid.. that he never sung to anyone on the phone before.. not even bethany I guess.. .. heh.

I woke up at.. 1:45.. pm that is ^^ me and brook.. well rewind.
On the car ride to the lake last night mom and dad and i went fishing well anyway I told mother and father about.. Brook.. and him leaving in 2 weeks and this and that and ended up in tears for some reason because i'm a dork like that. I coudlnt believe what mother told me. She said that her and father would have to realize that I'm growing up. I'm almost 17 and mom said he'd have to wait a year and a half till I turn legal age lol.. but.. I couldn't believe what she said.
I called Brook when we got back.. like at 11:40... and we talked untill 7:00am.
God the phone kept dying so I had to go to the kitchen and hook up the cord phone lol.. so I was switching back and forth between them. Yea...
Brook went this morning at 7 to go see if he coudl get a job at gas mart and yea.. I went to sleep at 7 and he said he hasnt' gone asleep yet. I need to call him back so he won't fall asleep.
He told me what he said that night he was drunk was the truth.. i'm just different...
He said he was laying on his bed this his pillows and was cuddling with them and that he wished it was me and I said the same. Except he calls it suggling.
He said he really can't wait till Thrusday.. neither can I.
Mom talked to Brook on the phone. Talked to him about this movie 'Last of the Dogmen' it's a good movie. Anyway, all the Indians out here are like.. movie people and some of Brooks cusions were in the movie or somethign I dn't know.
Autum told Brook to get off the phone.. lol I guess she doesn't like me. She is supposed to be more indian then white but you couldn't tell.. she is white lol..
Brook told me that he likes whites girls better then indians so thta is why he guesses that she doesn't like him talking to me.
... yep.. work is just like frickin an hour away lmao damn I slept all day.. i'm gonna hug him right off the bat.. damnit.. damn.. dammmmn..

.. ha ha damn


_______
11:51 pm


Damn.. BROOOOOK .. damn he smelt good.

He came to my work.. stayed the WHOLE time.. .. .. yea.... damn..
He came in the kitchen only a few times.. nagging on me that I was slow -.-' ..
...he stood right next to me.. and.. rested his head on my shoulder.. .. and .. he said I was slow XD lmao lol oh well I take my time, like always. Never in a hurry I suppose. But anyway.. I dont' remember.. I .. just smiled constantly xD ha ha I could'nt help it. But he was back there and I was almost done... and .. I asked him to clean the table.. little butthead wouldnt' help me with anything! Anyway.. I set it up for him and he just looked at me.. lol.. but anyway.. he said something and I.. said something back and then he's like 'Ooo' and I'm like 'what? what'cha gonna do about it? nothing. just what I thought' and I said that like 3 more times.. knowing he wasn't going to say anything.. damn I forgot what it was about though.... but anyway.. he's like 'i'll leave. I'll just walk up out of here and not call you tonight or tomorrow or ever' and .. I just.. got quiet and.. it hit me that .. hecould just do that.. and I could never see or hear from him again.. I stared at my sink and he nudged me 'damn girl, i was just playing. getting an all serious face on me dang'.. yea.. .. damn.. i don't want.. to let go of him.. do i even have ahold of him?
... but anywya I got done.. and.. oh he had come up behind me.. and.. pressed himself against my back and put his arms around me and patted my stomach ^^' .. god.. he's like 6'4 and is shoe size 14 ^^' lol around 6'4, he doesn't know and neither do I. But.. yea.. .. ..
After I was finished.. I don't know the order.. juts today was.. great I guess.. but.. we was in the kitchen to outselves with sonny and laura at the booth and some other 2 stoned dudes who was there that i had never heard of.. yea.. but we was int he back.. and.. he just.. hugged me.... first it was loose and.. i put my arm around his shoulder.. damn he's way tall.. I was up on my tip toes with both my arms wrapped aroudn his neck.. my face pressed into his neck.. his face in my hair and on my shoulder.. .. god.. he wanted to snuggle.. I did too.. badly. ..
We went out and sat at a booth.. he sat on the edge and I came up and leaned up against the wall and said ' you gonna scoot over?' and he's like 'cha no' and i'm like 'are you going to scoot over or do you want me to sit on you?' shit ha ha i was wanting him to pick number 2, hey lol 'cha.. those are your options' he said 'you choose' me: 'you pick' him: 'no you' so he ended up scooting over and I sat next to him with my leg folded under my other leg and my kneed on his thigh.. then.. his arm went on the booth back and slowly his hand made it's way to my shoulder.. heh.. he's so cute.. taking it slow.. so nice.. damn.. . so anyway I said the hell with it.. he was facing me.. my leg was on him, so I just turned my back on him and sat/laid back into him.. my back on his chest.. kinda in his lap too.. over his left thigh though.. yea I was keeping myself off an area lol and my right arm was across his lap along his right thigh.. .. his face was back in my hair.. always comming down to my neck.. .. damn..
We only stayed that way for a bit because sonny was out the door like every one else and we was about to be locked in so we jumped up and went outside to wait for my ride. (but before that we was back in the back and he had started to hug me again.. this time more slow and .. gentle xD ha ha god i'm so stupid but anyway i started to hug him back. and he always tried to get my face next to his but.. i always looked away and hid my face in his neck.. but anyway we heard sonnys' voice 'hey you two stop fucking aroiund back there!' lol damn sonny.. lmao you know i let go of brook quick.. lol.. damn..)
But we was outside and he stood by me and we was leaning up against this old coca cola drink holder thing.. you know you put ice in the top and put the drinks in it for poeple to buy? y ea that thing.. the jakita uses it as a planter.. we was leaning up against it and.. his arm was behind me and so i put my arms on the edge of the thing and my elbows was up.. right hand over some of his fingers and left arm against him.. my shoulder under his right arm.. because he's so tall i just fit right in there.. his head rested ontop of mine.. and i leaned my face into his.. he was watching for the pick up truck.. .. .. we stayed out there.. for like.. I dont' know.. under 10 though.. yea.. but once the truck came into sight like fucking 5 blocks down (a hill) he dissappeared around a corner.. yea.. ..
Damn.. i want to cuddle with him.. .. .. god.. .. just.. damnit >_< come back brook!

Anyway he was supposed to call me back in an hour since I had to rub mom and an hour was like 10:50 and it's 12:03 now.. so yea.. dad was on the internet and now i am.. I hope he is getting some sleep..
I called him like at 9:40 and told him i didn't have long and asked 'you gonna call me back or sleep?' (he's been up all day) and i'm like 'you need sleep' and he's like 'naw.. i'll call you' .. damn.. i couldn' believe it.. ..

but yep i've probably missed it.. .. there is so much to him i haven't told in this journal..

... .. .. can he really.. like me? think i'm pretty? .. .. everytime he gets close.. i shy away with my eyes.. .. always .. thinking.. if i look at him too long.. he's be disgusted somehow.. i'm like that with all guys.. unless they are ugly or annoying or some shit lol.. but.. .. yea.. dad is still up damnit.. he'a watchign me.. thinking i'm gonna get ont he phone.. he is.. .. .. getting ticked off at mien and brooks relationship.. it really isn't one yet.. well.. that kind anyway.. dad thinks it's going there too fast.. brook looks like a punk.. but is a really sweet guy..

.. tall, dark, and completly handsome.


~

Close the World |

:: 2004 13 June :: 1.57 pm
:: Mood: fine

buda once again...
... I was wondering if he'd call me.. .. at .. 11:something.. I heard my father get off the Internet.. mother awas already asleep and I rushed to the phone to see if there were any messages.. hoping to hear one from Brook.. Dad said 'expecting a call?' Pretty much guessing it would be Brook..
There was a message...
... I pressed 1 and... it was Brook's voice.. god.. ..
I went to my room and started the message over.. I listened.. he said.. .. my name.. and.. told me that he was over at his friends house.. gave me the number.. and.. paused.. said sorry.. and.. paused again.. and just when I thought the message was over.. he said 'oh .. and umm.. i miss you'.. then the message was over. The message was an hour earlier.. at 10:something.. I ... didn't know weather to call him or not.. I knew I would get in trouble but.. I just wanted to be there for him.. I would call him and let him talk and only listen, I told myself.
That's just what I did. I called him up in my room, the number he gave me that is. Some guy picked up and said Brook wasn't there.. I was confused. Did I dial the number corectly? I didn't want to try it again .. so.. I hung up.. and.. just.. was confused.. in my dark room.. and then 2 seconds after I hung up the phone rang. I was so shocked I pressed TALK during the first ring, afraid my mother would wake or my father, whom was outside with the dogs, would hear it.
It was Brook.. .. and he was drunk.
He said he was drunk and.. ... he... .. he started to.. confess..
God I felt my heart pounding and the arm that was holding the phone wouldn't stop shaking...
Everything I wanted to hear from him... everything I wanted to mean to him.. he said...
He said I was different then any other girl he met before.. he also said something have have 5 twins? And he was the oldest? And that they was spread out all over the world? Yea.. he said he told Bethany that and she didn't believe him and.. that he thought I was different.. In the background people were drunk and yelling and falling... everything. He went outside and the wind made the phone all static.. yea.. He kept saying he was sorry and.. kept asking me which one I wanted him to quit. He said he would quit smoking or drinking for me.. to pick one.. that then on the phone that.. he just wanted to please me.. He said he'd do both.. that he was tired of this.. all of it.. that .. when I called him.. he was ready to pack up and leave.. that.. my call.. only stoped him. He said that I was the only thing he was thinking about.. that he hadn't had a girl on his mind in forever.. He kept saying I was better then Bethany.. ...
He said.. that.. Him and Bethany didn't even kiss.. and she had told me that .. and for him to bring it up.. it must be true... and I was.. just like 'well, what do you want from me then?'.. thinking about what he said about not even kissing.. and he said 'just.. for you to say you'll be here for me.. and i'm here for you.. i'll be here for you.. bethany wasn't there for me.. she just took up and left..' and.. I was.. speechless pretty much the whole time.. He said that.. back then he didn't know he liked me (haunted walk) that he thought I liked Lance.. but.. when .. he saw me.. that.. bethany didn't mean anything to him anymore... .. ..
He also said.. I forgot to mention that is.. that when we was talking to Jose.. that.. Brook said.. 'I've been out there ya'know. To that place you go to.. ' .. I .. dismissed what he said.. he meant.. the pagent.. that he was there.. and then.. on the phone.. on the goddamn phone.. he said to me.. he said that.. he had waited for me.. though the whole cold night.. he waited for me.. .. I I didn't know he was there.. I never saw him.. the pagent.. Jon was on my mind.. I feel.. so stupid.. so so stupid. .. he knew about the pagent? And.. he went to it? And stayed the whole night? .. .. for.. me?..
He .. told me that he was ready to leave again.. that.. I had to convince him not to leave.. and.. I asked him.. how I could convince him.. and .. he said.. for me to be there for him.. when he needed me.. that he'd.. wait for me.. He told bethany he'd wait for her too.. .. He said .. he'd wait for me..
I told him to just not get up and leave without telling me.. because I was here.. for him.. and.. .. and I told him.. that ever since the first him I saw him.. and he said 'the haunted walk?' I said yes.. that .. I just wanted to get to know him.. that it just seemed there was so much more to him that he didn't let on.. and he said 'there is much more to me.. ' and.. I told him I didn't see the point in telling him all this now.. because he woudl'nt remember it.. and.. he said.. he would..
He said that even though he was drunk.. what he told me was the truth.. that.. what he was telling me was really how he felt..
He said.. that I was just different then any girl he'd ever met.. that.. he didn't care that I wouldn't even cook for myself.. that .. he said that he wanted to cook for me just once.. just once.. and.. he said he would go fishing with me too.. he said 'see I remembered. I don't want to go but I will.. for you'.. and.. .. he just kept saying.. 'for you'... .. he said he would be there right now if he could but he didn't have a ride.. ..
It was storming outside.. lightening... bad.. the wind was blowing pretty good too... .. i'm never on the phone when it's storming.. .. but.. he kept asking me if I was ok.. if I was alright.. because I wasn't saying anything...
When he said.. he'd be moving.. he said it would be for about 5 years or soemthing... that.. up in the North.. the Tribe (the Tribe is something all indians belong to.. .. you know how idians have their own schools and hospitals and stuff? well.. ) he said that they'd hire him no matter what.. and he'd get 2 or 3 dollars an hour and he said something about school.. i dont know..
He asked if I was going to call in the morning and wake him up.. that.. he'd never been woking up .. before by bethany or something.. that he seemed not to care.. and that he didn't care about her anymore.. that he could only think of me.. and .. he said he didn't care how others saw me.. .. damn.. he just.. spilled everything.. and.. if he'd say it once again..when he was sober.. .. I'd believe him..
I told him I didn't know if I.. was gonna call him in the morning.. he asked if I wanted him to call.. and I just said that I didn't know.. he asked about which one he wanted me to want him quit.. and I told him that he needed to stop needing people to want him to quit and quit for himself. I told him not to quit for me but to quit for himself.. how cliche right? .. it's the truth.. it does'nt bother me that he does that.. well.. maybe smoking.. weed but.. not drinking.. he .. seems he knows what he's doing.. I just told him not to get hurt.. asked him how he was getting home.. asked him if he could just wait there the night and go home in the morning so he'd be sober.. he said that.. he wanted me to keep caring like I was.. that bethany never asked such questions.. ..
I'm glad I'm different.. but... I dont' know how long I can be there for him.. .. he said he'd wait.. that always gives me someone to fall back on.. I'm thinking about bringing this out in the open to my parents.. I mean all of it.. but first I want to talk to Brook about it.. he is concerned about my parents aswell.. I guess.. he is serious I believe... .. dang.. just dang..
He said he's call around noon.. meanign 12 right? He asked if I'd be home.. and I said 'I guess.. I should be' and he said 'I want a guarantee' .. and I said 'yes I'll be home' ...
He said.. he had to go.. and.. .. I didn't reply.. he said he was sorry.. I told him to stop saying that.. damnit.. he apologizes too much.. he asked if I was alright.. if I was there.. I said yes.. and.. he said He was sorry again.. and.. he said 'i'll miss you'... and.. I was.. in total shock the whole time.. and I said... I'd miss him too.. and.. he said he was sorry.. that he was gonna stay with these guys for a bit longer.. .. and.. then he said.. .. after long pauses.. he said bye.. .. and I said.. bye.. softly and.. a pause again after he sighed and I heard him.. hesistate before he hung up.. I hung up too.. we had only talked for an hour..
I couldn't help but cry after I got off the phone with him.. it took me forever to get to sleep.. the storm got worse.. and this morning at 4:30 loud thunder woke me up.. the storm was aweful.. I only had had.. like maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep.. and.. I remembered Brooks call.. and.. It took me a long time to fall back asleep.. that with the storm.. I was shivering I think.. a mixture of the storm and remembering brooks words.. and wondering where he was.. how he was..
Woke up at 8:30.. tired to go back to sleep.. got out of bed at.. 10 something I believe.. and.. put in Pirates of the Caribean.. and started to wait the 2 hours until Brooks call..
time passed and it was 12:30.. movie was almost over.. .. and..still no call.. 12:40 something.. and the moive was over and the phone had not rang... dad went outside to weed eat and I took the phone in the bathroom with me while I took a shower.. still no call.. ..
I'm thinking about calling him.. .. but. I'm scared too.. damnit.. I just.. don't want him to leave.. and i'm worried about him.. but.. he said he'd call.. if he can't.. then.. then why should I keep reaching out to him? Just.. keeping it alive? ... like I did with Brent.. we all see how that turned out..
... will there be a message on the phone when I sign off?.. ..
.. .. I can't help but think of him.. I told him I really wanted to be there for him.. and know him in a way no one else did.. ..
He said that Autum (the girl.. that used to go to this school, fat, really white, black hair, bitchy i didn't really know her though) .. that she knew him.. his whole lifes story.. that he thought he liked her but then there was me.. .. he said he'd drop everything for me.. stop whatever he was doing to get to me if I wanted him to... ..
.. do you know.. what all that can .. make someone feel like?
And Arizona.. .. we ca'nt forget about Arizona.. .. life.. .. is crazy.. ..
5 twins.. .. .. .. I have to fucking clue.. ..

.. I just want .. to hear his voice... .

... but.. I just.. don't.. ..

.. .... dont' know

Close the World |

:: 2004 12 June :: 9.49 am
:: Mood: tired/ah my stomach/tired/just woke up

::yawn:: buda
Dad comes in my room says get the fuck up. I went to bed at I guess around 1 or 1:30 because I watched Street Fighter 2 and I'm like "i'm tried cry cry give me an hour'' shit 20 minutes later I'm up and my stomach is killing me. Damn I hate waking up, it's always worst then. Got up and dad was mowing the back yard. I called anton to see if he would come over and mow it and I'd pay him next week but he's busy and can't. So Maybe TOMORROW anton and come OVER and MOW the GRASS.. yea the Front and BacK .. well not back but the SIDE field.. yea.. .. damn my stomach.
Oh I want to Call Brook Damnit. I want to talk to him all the god damn time. Every fucking second I want to be able to say whatever the fuck to him.. just to be able to hear when he sighs or yawns.. drops the phone.. or ice.. ::smiles:: just whatever.

I talked to mom and dad yesterday at the lake about.. Brook. That he was 20 (really 21 ) and that we are friends kinda I guess we are. Mom can tell I like him Like him and they said they don't have a problem with me TALKING to him as long as he knows it only goes that far. I tell mom and dad that our phone calls consist of him asking me about bethany and shit.. I dunno.. I'm lieing out my ass but i can't stop. I can't stop and not talk to him. If I had a cell.. I would be talking to him now.. I told my dad when we went off from mom to fish.. "i love takling to him dad and I'll be damned if he likes talking to me too'' .. yep.. said that.. -.-' and didn't catch a damn thing..

.. Racoon came and got in the back of the truck, we could hear it. Dad cought 3 fish. mom cought.. one? I got none.. yea.. fuck my stomach..

ah.. and brook. damnt.. I'm gonna see him today.. right? am i? I don't know..


...

____

4:31

Oh yea.. lol just got off the phone with Brook like.. 5 minutes ago.. damn.. I LOVE talking to him.. .. god..

Yea.. bought a soccer ball today and played outside with some kids.. yea.. when we got back from town that is. I haven't eaten a thing all day.. and I mean that. Just gum and water.. .. I'm eating a burrito now lol.. .. making me another one right now too >.>'

What is the plan brook? Well, Brook, the plan is I'll call in for food and go in early with the disguise to eat .. when really I'll talk to you.. 6:20 is the date.. i was gonna call Laura (sonny's girl, new girl) and have her call me in to work early.. but.. I do'nt know.. humm... yea..

.. Thursday Brook, me moms and pops going fishing! Ha ha i'm making brook go.. I know he wants to anyway.. he'll do wahtever i want him to.. ::softly smiles:: damn.. Such an odd feeling..

He said he thought about calling me today.. fuck I thought of him all day.. god.. at wal mart i was about to pick up the pay phone just to say hi.. shit..

... yea.. .. He woudl'nt pick a time .. to meet me at my work.. he made me pick it.. damnit.... god.. .. just.. damn... .. i want him.. i really do.. .. i want him.. and .. shit i've had this lust forever.. lust? .. fuck.. I do'nt know what you want to call it.

Got ride of the bird this morning thank god. yea he took to the other chickens there.. ha ha..

... he keeps calling me goofy.. yea.. ha damn I have such a laugh on the phone with him.. he's always laughigna t me to.. .. damn.. .. and hour and 20 minutes.. yea.. .. wow.. ..

.. wow wow pow wow.. heh he's going to a pow wow after he .. stops by.. he said he's gonna stay the whole time and he said ' you just wait! you're gonna get it! i'm gonna embarrse you so bad make you turn all red and run into the back screaming at me.. '.. .. .. damn.. .. brook..

.. damn.. god.. he can't like me.. then why would he come? .. just a thing? boreing? another girl? fuck.. why.. shit.. no more questions.. it does'nt matter.. ..

nothing does..

____
4:58

oh ish my nuggets, I also bought me some vitamins today.. yep.. oh my pay check was 31 $.. I guess jakita paid me for my work today too.. even though i haven't worked just yet.. >.>


~

____

8:54


Cha.. he showed up.. we went outside.. talked for a bit.. then José (mexican i always get a hug from from the pagent, 21, yea that josé) Drove up and Brook was like 'now you'll get to meet one of my friends' and I'm like 'i already know him' lol Jose was soo fucking surprised to see me.. god so surprised.. but yea.. I'll finish it when I get back.. time to go watch my shows.. yea.. .. fuck.. i want to see brook.. damnit..
Now I would be back (9:48) yea.. Well anyway.. Jose was so fucking surprised to see me, I went up to him and hugged him, he hugged me and walked backwards like he always does, making me fall backwards and hold onto him for balance. Heh I bet that freaked brook out XD lmao he deserves it .. damnit.. Jose was drinking, i could so smell it on him. That mixed in with his cologne .. Mm fucking damn, he smelt fuckign great.. great.. damn he always does but that alcolohol smell with it.. god.. he smelt great.
Ha he let me go and over and over he juts looked at me all drunk and was like 'damn i can't believe you are standing there! infront of me! fucking you always see the good side of me damn' ha ha he's like 'you better not tell your mother about this' lmao .. he's fucking cute.. ha ha damn he smelt good. Well anyway we all was by his jeep (me brook and jose) and talking and laughing and it was great.. jose just couldn't believe i was there lol damn.. ha ha yea... but anyway we talked about the pagent and how he lost his part and his ex for some reason then he asked my age and yea lol.. oh brook is 20 btw, not 21 my bad lol his b-day is oct. .. fuck.. umm.. 19? I think so yea..
Anyway, I had to go start working so.. jose asked brook if he was gonna roll with him.. and he said yea.. .. so.. anyway jose went to get in the car and brook started to walk right to me.. like right infront of me ::smirks :: heh guess i made the ass jealous when I hugged jose ha ha well anywya.. he walked right into me and wrapped his arms around me. My arms were folded across my chest .. so when he first came up to me.. my arms just.. felt him.. damn.. he feels good.. bony.. thin.. but build.. i'm sure he has a gut though lol geting drunk all the time.. i unfolded my arms but he didn't stop, he did the jose move and just kept walking at me making me fall backwards somewhat. Brook towers over me.. he's so tall.. .. I just.. wanted to press myself against him but I can't even remember what happened... i put my arms around him and hugged him and.. .. well he was stepping towards me so yea.. well nevermind lol he was sober too.. i bet he isn't now.. damnit.. brook.. ..
He smiled at me.. gave me a look.. like he usually does.. got in the car and i went to jose and he was sitting in the car and i hugged his neck and then jose wrapped his arms around my sides and close to my chest -_-+ perv and pulled me into the damn car >_< xD stupid! He kept pulling me in and i was fuckign trying not to touch his lap xD you know why and yea it was fucking .. annoy xD ha ha and brook was just then sitting in his seat and i'm all leaning over there xD ha ha ha god fucking shit man i'm like 'let me fucking go jose! ' lol and hit him in the head xD ha ha yea.. he said see ya later.. and i shut his door and rolled my eyes at brook and.. said to drive safe since brook was in there and gave brook a smile..
They drove off.. and.. he never came back. After all that talk.. he didn't come back. Brook.. yea.. .. i was looking over my shoulder and i got done with the dishes quickly damnit.. it was perfect for him to be there.. damn idiot .. he ran off again.. i called him.. he isn't home.. inu yasha is on so yea.. i'm gonna go.. damnit.. i.. i want to call him tonight.. but i think i'll .. wait for him to call? I'll be on his caller ID so. yea.. .. .. damnit brook.. ..

just fucking damnit.. and jose.. heh .. fucking perv.. i sure as hell lost what little trust i had in him.. .. yea.. ..

.. Brooooook.. .. fuck it.. man..

that fucking sucks.. damn..

Fucking Perfect timing to.. damnit.. .. damnit


~

Close the World |

:: 2004 11 June :: 6.58 pm
:: Mood: fine/thinking

2nd post for today, buda
Just got off the phone again.. another 1 hour and a half phone call with Brook.. consisting of music, oh ishing, boying, and.. him saying ... he'll miss me.

.. I called him like at .. 5:.. something .. and yea just now got off because the phone died. I told him 'hurrie, any last words' once the phone started beeping and he said.. 'I'll miss you'.. .. fuck yea xD omg ha ha I .. started to giggle lol

He had some music on (rock dah) and was singing a bit and.. yea. it was cute. He said he could'nt sing. He really does have a nice voice.. yea.. heh.. he said thta girls beg him to sing.. that he only sings when he gets drunk. Oh.,. he's been sober all day.. has it been because of me?

He started to call me women because I called him boy.. his Creek name is Chabon .. meaning Boy in Creek. .. lol yea.. ...

I also said if I cought a fish tonight what he wanted me to name it.. he said boy. .. I said I would..

And he's like 'I might be comming in town tonight' meanign my town and he asked what was my best bet of being home.. I said 12:30 - 1:00.. shit. He said I jinxed it and I know I did. .. damnit.. I said 'what you comming over?' and he said 'yea, if you want me to'...

Damnit brook.. god there is so much more.. we pretty much don't talk on the phone.. i just listen and he listens to whatever stupid shit i have to say.. and trust me it is stupid and he called me goofy today.. lmao.. then

oh Yea.. There was this fly right? And anyway it kept comming back to bite him (so he said) and yea.. I'm like 'oh you have a pet fly' and i'm all picking on everythign he says lol and anyway it kept bothering him so I'm like 'what'cha name it?' and he's like 'buda' xD lmao then he was like 'damn thing keep bothering me' XD >_< !! I was like 'Hey! What does that mean!' lmao he's like 'oh i'm sorry! i didn't mean it that way!' lmao ha ha it was so fucking funny.. god.. we are always laughign and shit on the phone.

I was outside with my bird and mom came out there like 40 minutes later and was cooing and quacking at the bird and brook was like 'i guess' lmao lol he says..well yea he has his words to say lol.. ..

I asked him if he wanted to stalk me.. meaning to follow me .. correcting 'us' out to the lake.. yea.. he said no lol.. that he won't have a ride till after 8 and doesn't ride his bikes.. yea.. ..

I asked him if he would'nt really go fishing with me.. he said that he would.. .. .. god.. .. damn..

He didn't let the dish washign thing go either.. ha he said he is comming and was like' will i really make you nervous if i go?' xD fuck yea brook! .. Chabon.. .. weird.. yea.. Chabon Brook .. Forgot his last name.. oh well..

My shoes are still wet great.. i'll just wear. other shoes? Fuck I dont' have any other shoes -.-' yea..

.. Brook.. I said he can call whenver.. and he's like 'what you ca'nt call?' and i'm like 'yea.. '.. i just have to .. wait till i can ge the phone away from them.. god I dont' want them to find out how much I call him.. i guess they kinda know now.. but FUCK!!! Why did he say he'd MISS ME!? WHY!? Fuck .. I do'nt fucking know.. what the fuck is up with him? Is he that bored? .. I dont' fucking know.. god..

..DDR .. ah.. Brook.. Brook or DDR.. Hum... .. ::smirks:: That's a tough one..

.. damnit..

.. I can't go out in the back again.. be to suspious.. damnit.. tomorrow.. argh i'm gonna get so nervous... damnit.. damnit.. ah..

...

Close the World |

:: 2004 11 June :: 9.20 am
:: Mood: tiiiiired/argh my stomach

Heh heh .. got off the phone with Brook... like 12 minutes ago.. because I coudlnt get ahold of him last night 'he was crashed' so I said I'd call him this morning. Yep.. 7:58 I called him.. he apologized like a thousand times lol.. ..
.. Yea.. god I love talking to him.. ah.. my stomach isn't friendly in the morning.. it was killing me to talk to him.. my stomach oh it hurt so much.. damn.. I really wanted to talk with him though.. damn..

I woke him and he said I coudln't go because I woke him up so that I'd have to wake up too.. .. heh

He kept saying sorry and he was way surpised that I called at 1:20 am lol (lastnight) yea.. .. he said that i was mean and he was mean and we was being mean to each other and that we didn't know it or some shit lol.. he was sober though.. heh.. i guess he is in the morning..

He said.. that .. bethany always got mad at him for forgettng stuff.. that's why he did'nt like to talk to her he said.. that he rather talk to me then her .. but cause I was funny.. and that's all he'd say.. that I was funny.. .. ..cha

He said just wait till Saturday (i work) that i'd get it then.. heh.. and i'm like 'you better now show up saturday' and he's like 'why not?' and i said 'because..' fuck i dont' even remember.. god we was just mumering on the phone i was too tired to fucking talk..

Yea.. I can't help but love to talk to him.. .. I just.. can't help it.

No one was up and I got off the phone at 9 so no one knows I called him.. my stomach only lasted till then... yea.. god.. .. i love talking to him.. .. cha..

damn.. it's early.. we are supposed to go fishing.. and it's late.. mom was supposed to get up at 6.. i told brook we was going fishing .. he asked about okc.. i'm surprised he remembered... .. ..

.. yea.. i said i'd call him later today... did I jinx that too? the fishing? .. argh.. i just want to all him back.. right after i hung up i was debating weather to call him back or not..

it's hard when you and your good friend are going though .. questioning times.. and you both want advice from the other.. but one has to shut up to listen to the other.. when you want to talk.. but.. someone has to do it right? .. brook.. i want him to be with me.. damnit.. my parents'll flip.. they'll find out soon enough.. god.. .. just god..

Brook said that I'll be surprised saturday.. and I said 'i'll be surprised if you walk up in there and start doing my dishes' lol.. he said 'dang, now will you? i will you know' and.. we got off the subject and then before i hung up he's like 'you nver ansered me you know' and i'm like 'hum?' and he said 'what if i did go in there and helped you with your dishes?' I said hell fucking no. I'd get in trouble.. sonny'd say something and laura'd spread rumors.. fuck.. brook knows them both and he said it'd be cool and i'm like 'no' lol just no.. .. i can do my own fucking dishes.. damn..

What the fuck does he have planned?

I really .. was gonna let him in the house yesterday.. fucking not my room.. limited to the livng room, hallway, kitchen and downstairs den.. that's it.. i'm so stupid i had nothing planed but that's the way it is with me.. for if i plan.. i jinx.. i'm cursed i jinx what more could you want from a girl?


...

_____

3:37

yea.. fishing was ok.. I got burnt on the back of my neck somehow o_O Yea.. ^^ lol I had my beanie on so xD ha ha you can tell where it was on the back of my neck ha ha...
::clears throat:: we went to a town like 20 minutes away and yea.. it's like .. a bit smaller then bulldog town.. old fashioned.. We (mom dad and i) had to stop at a gas station so I could get some water/mizu (to settle my stomach/chest) and yea.. I walked up in there with my beanie on heh heh red shrit on and blue jeans and white shoes ^^ I soo matched >.< but anyway the dude/casher fricking was like in his late 20's or maybe even 30's didn't take his eyes off me >_.>' just said that to prove it -.-' no I would of smiled at him or something (my face was just as expressionless) but he was.. too old and it was fucking creepy.

I haven't called Brook yet.. planning on doing that once mom goes to sleep.. yea.. (dad already is) She's reading the newspaper so.. I'd say another 20 minutes or so she'll start getting tired? Jinx ^^',\

Yep.. the lake was nice and I took a dive in.. dive meaning I did a belly flip in the shallow end and got sand all over me ^^' It was fun. xD ha ha I did that then ran out of it because I was scared because the shallow end wasn't very.. shallowly for very long so it got dark and I couldn't see the bottem and .. xD I was right by some dead trees so yea.. xD ha ha ha scary!
I took my shirt off and emptied my pockets so I was just in my jeans and shoes.. and bra ::rolls eyes:: yea.. I was gonna strip down but >_< I didn't know of someone was gonna pop over the hill or not xD plus there was boaters out there lmao.
Yep changed into my mom jeans.. they are like a size 12 and I'm a size 1 xD ha meaning they did'nt fit worth shit! Lol luckly I had a belt. ^^ yep. It was fun ^^ Mom cought a fish that my dad falaid there.. and yea.. we'z gonna eat it tomorrow? I dont' know when... but yea.. I didn't catch anything but got like 2 bites lol dad didn't get anything either. That lake is WAY to big I don't like it. People camping all around it and shit.. I like it to be.. like empty ^^' heh
Yea.. the lake had gone down like.. fucking 15 plus feet. You could walk on the huge rocks and everything and the weeds because the water was all down and there was booies and shit it was cool. And I left the camera at home -.-' so smart xD ha ha there was this sign that we did'nt see going there but saw it comming out.. it's .. well the lake is big and you drive and the sign is infrom of you and the lake curves round and is infront of you and you drive along it.. it's a T yea.. but the sign said ''road ends in lake'' ha ha we are gonna go back sometime to get a picture of it.

Damnit mom go to sleep! Yea.. I'm about to call brooooooook I want to anyway.. I think I"ll save this paycheck and next and buy me some shoes.. either that or make mom pay the rest of the half.
She is still making me rub her and she hasn't 'paid' me in like.. fucking what months? yea.. heh she said she's saving it for me to buy school clothes.. fuck.. excuses.. god how gay.. oh well..

...

Close the World |

:: 2004 11 June :: 12.53 pm
:: Mood: tired really tired

buda
Fucking tired as fucking hell.

Brook really did stop by at my work. I mean fucking he REALLY stoped by.. for ME only fucking me.. .. wow.. we went outside for like 10 minutes then I had to go work. I asked him if he wanted to come by after we closed like around 8:10 he said yea that he would just walk around or stay around whatever. Fucking 8:10 on the dot he's there and waits 20 minutes for me to finish.
I could'nt believe he was on time AND waited for me. ME. He didn't talk to anyone else.. just .. waited.. ..
Called my parents to come get me and went outside to talk with Brook.. yea.. we had like.. 15 minutes? God it was .. fucking great seeing him. He's so cute.. god.. cuter then the last time he saw me. He had his hair spiked and his right lip ring in.. so cute.. omg.. and .. after I was finished (I can't believe I forgot this) .. he was to my right and we was both leaning up against the building.. his hand..ok the back of his hand came up to the side of my face and I thought he was like gonna brush my hair away or something but he just pressed his fingers against my temple like twice and said 'dang you sweatin' .. and I was just about to drop dead on the ground lmao god.. why.. does he always.. touch my face? I remember at the hauted walk.. I have it saved on my harddrived.. I'll find it and post it to this entry.. .. I still read it every now and then.

He's my carpet boy lol I ain't letting that go.. .. god.. he gave me.. his attention.. .. like all of it.. it was.. fucking.. just a great feeling.

I told him.. 'you have two choices. Mom and dad are going fishing' he hates to fish btw 'you could either tag along behind us and say 'hey yo didn't kno wyou was comming here what's up' and stay and we can fish and have fun or I can not go and you could come over or whatever while they are gone' heh he picked number two. He was surpised too.
I told him to call me in 20.
Dad stoped by tikas house to talk to skiff so I missed Brooks call -_-+
I called him back and we talked about him comming over.. about which window was mine and to watch out for our dogs and I was just freaking him out.. oh I told him my parents weren't going fishing (oops left that out sorry) yea mom didnt' want to go fish anymore.. so yea.. he coudl'nt come over obviously .. so I told him i could go outside for like 30minutes then have to go back since i'm not allowed to walk aroudn at night.. my parents sure as hell could'nt know brook was outthere.
But anyway I was freakign him out about the dogs adn I told him that I jinxed the fishing thing and he agreed so that it was a bad idea and all but.. he said i got him.. he always says that.. when he doesn't have something to say .. like a come back.. he sayhs you got him.. it's cute.
Oh he can't say earth.. he says earf lol it's cute too...
AnYway. He said his ride just showed up and he'd be in town in 5. .. my town in 5 (speed demons) so yea.. mom had cooked I was so nervous I didn't eat but a few bites.. I haven't been eating latly anyway.

Went outside saying I was spending my last minutes with my birdie since we are giving him away in a few days hopfully.

I waited.. for like 45 minutes.. probably an hour waiting for him.

Yea.. I'll just say that because it was.. wasn't really boring because I've been outside just like laying around before and... yea.. it's nice.. I was just looking over my shoulder every two seconds..

I'm about to call him to ask what's up.. I .. dont' want to because .. my parents.. will.. fucking ask what the fuck is going on.. maybe I shouldn't.. god I don't know.. I just.. ..

. ... Had a dream... well not really but before.. I was just outside like this was like last month or somthing.. just outside and thought about how it might be if brook showed up just then and then.. tonight.. it really could of happened.. and.... .. .... he didn't.. show.. ..

No OKC tomorrow. Drew has something to do.. ..

we are fishign in the morning.. fucking early and i'm about to fucking go crash because i'm tired as hell...

Dad is going asleep.. mom is awake.. i want that damn phone.. i wish i had a cell phone damnit..

... i want to be woken by tapping on my window lol.. god.. ... what the fuck.. god.. just seeing him.. smelling him.. .. was.. enough .. to shut me up and just listen to his movements.. .. .. .. god.. just being around him.. is enough.. .. god I wanted to see him tonight.. i knew it was too good to be true.. fuck where is he?.. damnit.. i'm about to get that phone anyway.. god I know they can hear my loud voice though.. damnit.. so confused.. cha right.. no i ain't.. god.. i just.. want things to be easier.. for him .. to just.. be able to be whereever i am whenever i want him to be or he wants to be.. and not have to hide him from my parents..

He smelt good.. looked good.. fucking waited for me.. .. god there is so little things that i havent' said shit about..

time for me to go have sweet dreams.. i'm fucking tired as hell.. hungry.. and my chest hurts from not eating.. damn.. just great.

Played DDR. Turns out lez girl I played telephone operator song with with the nose ring and i was taped by her friend, yea well THAT girl works at the .. ticket place in the mall like near the arcade.. ok right there by the arcade lol.. yea.. she waved to me ^^' brent was there too ¬_¬+ he made kissy lips at me and when i left i poked him in the back.. heh kinda hard..

.. brook damnit brook.. I want the fucking phone.. I guess i'll look at some yaoi untill mom falls asleep.. shouldn't be too long....


.. I still can't believe he fucking .. waited for me.. .. .. waited.. damn..

.. what do i mean to him?

Did he treat bethany the same way? Does he want to use me to get to her?.. ..

..

All these questions and more next time on.. yea.. fuck that..


Ja~


NOW FOR THE THINGIE :

I love Evaescence.... damn.... this music.... Rock.... .. these people have something special about them... to be able to touch people in such a way to sooth and calm them, excite them, make them feel free.... ... it calms me down, but makes me feel lonely... it reminds me that I'm alone, but it gives me a chance to dream....

Last night went great.... I do like Brook. He is 20 so I won't admit it... I found out that he's full blooded Creek Indian... damn he's like over a head taller then me -_- I think he may like me too... well.. at least wants to use me ^^' >_> I love his music (this is his CD) I love his muisc, and how he is. He's 20 but you wouldn't be able to guess... he doesn't hang with the older people at the creek, he hangs with us... 16 year olds...

There is a tent, yeah remember? Yes well it's up hill and me and Anton are down that small hill and are in that clown cage (was awesome last night, we got a lot of people. This one group went though, like 3 girls and 2 guys, and one of the girls had a cam corder, and couldn't keep that damn thing still, but anyway, one girl got freaked out and Anton got too close and got smacked hard right in the nose! Ha, I didn't see it but I heard that girl yell 'Oh My God! I'm Sorry! I Hit Someone In The Face! Sorry Person!!' heh anyway <.<) He had some little (Brook) speakers that hooked up to his CD player so I would go up there, with Anton (told him I didn't want to be left alone with Brook) and all changed his CD's that he had in it and stuff, and Brook was all cool about it. Ok, like not last night but the night before, Brook would like grab my sides -_-+ In a attempt to tickle me I think, it kinda hurted, yeah, but anyway, we was by the fire and Brook came up and he was changeing the music for me (the fire had gone out, changed it to PaPa Roach) and the wood and ashes where all glowing and smoking, so I'm like 'you said you would restart the fire' I smiled, he always does stuff for me. I complain so much and am so lazy... I'm surprized he put up with me. He smiled and shook his head. 'gahh ok you wanted the CD changed! I'm comming!' all I could do was smile to myself. He came up behind me and wraped his arm around my neck with his right arm (not too hard) and pulled me back -_- enough to make me feel like I was falling and was off balance, and he all tried that tickle thing again with his left hand -_- it kinda hurt -.- I'm so boney ^^' no I got meat but everyone doesn't see it xD I do have a gut! But anyway, he let go and I just was like mouth open, and he broke off a twig and leaned over the fire, blew on it and flames all shot out I was like O_O and he just poked it with the stick and blew for a while and got it started again I just smiled... He is so kind to me... I love Indians.... -_- I love Aaron's family ... I love them all... I love going to church and spending time with everyone, even if I'm over looked .... I just like being there... around them... but anyway back to Brook ^^' heh ... oh BTW brook had on this white starle doctors suit thing like over his cloths, ya'know those really thin things just to keep germs off... yeah and his lips where black, and he had black all around his eyes with lines going down them... above his eye brow and like some ways down his cheek. Hott... well.. I like the guy off the Crow (he has that soundtrack) yeah.. but anyway, .... before that, (yeah this ain't in order) we was down at the little place where they pay to come in, we was on break, the place had like drinks and chicken there and candy that we got free, and it's just a crappy wooden thing that you stand under, lined with christmas lights (icicle) but anyway, I brought down Brook's CD player and then I got me some water, and the water was icy (it was cold outside too) and anyway, it was dripping with cold water so I was just all holding it at the cap and Brook walked by, I just looked at him and held up the water. He's like 'what?' I'm like 'it's cold' ::smiles:: then he all sighed and made a face annoyed face (I know it well now) and took it from me and whipted it off using his shirt... I was soo surprized he did that! I just looked at him like he was stupid ^^ and he handed it back towards me, and I reached out and just held it, and he's like 'what? you want me to open it too?' I laughed and he chuckled, I said no and thanks, and he walked off. So I set it on the table, hoping no one would get it, (only had one free hand cause of the CD player) and then I just stood around then got me some rice and chicken that Aaron's Grandpa made I think, and started chowing down. Then everyone was getting ready to go in our spots cause we had some more groups that wanted to go though and so anyway, Brook came up to me and said ' you ready? we're going' and I'm like 'my water' and he's looks and sees that I don't have it 'where is it?' 'somewhere on the table' so he turns and gets it, then turns to me, holding it out, I just look at him 'I can't carry it and this together, smiling on the inside again he just sighs and shakes his head, hiding a smirk and carries it for me, so we walk there and we get to the cage and I set my water on the ground and give him his CD player back, I was sitting down and he's like really tall and I just took it off and bearly lifted it, he sighed and said dang, and bent down to get it ::smirks:: I like him. yeah but anyway, ::trys to think of what else happened:: anyway, there is this little girl that is up there working with brook, and this dude named kyle (the black one, no offense) but kyle was never up there cause brook doesn't like him, and kyle knew that. He's like related to the Indians, the only black person that is in the jr high/high school. Yeah. But anyway, Anton was going somewhere, and I was sitting inside the tent like right next too Brook, who was laying down, legs up like his legs was by me and his head was infront of me... well kinda.. he wasn't like up against me.. but yeah. It wasn't dark in there cause of the fire.. gahh it made it nice and warm.. all glowy but anyway, that girl went with Anton, I tired to perswad her to stay, but she doesn't like rock and left with Anton (she was like 10 or so? I think younger, yea, like 8? no... older? I don't know) but anyway, I didn't want to seem dumb, so I just stood there and started talking, hopping he woudlnt' try anything. (Oh like last last night, we had waklie talkies out there and him and Anton was all saying that I had them hand cuffed and stuff ^^' it was funny xD but not true!!anyway,...) I asked him what other anime's he had. He's into anime, he's seen a ton of animes >.< makes me jealous! He has them on DVD too. They are in Chinese though... I wonder where he gets them. Does he know Chinese? Dought it, subtitles ^^' anyway.. My hair was red and spiked up really good, and I had a black circle going around my right eye and lines right under my eyes then some black tears and then on my left eye I had a large line going down, that was above my eye too. Yeah but anyway (gahh you dont' know how many trees I hit with my hair! I didn't get stuck though ^^' o_o I did in the cage though xD the plastic straps they walk through got wraped around my spikes >.< it hurt!) anyway, we are alone remember? me and brook, ya ok. Oh, I had like a smile painted by my mouth too, with a stripe down the middle of my lips -.-' and brook said that my line on my lips was all crooked. And he was chuckleing as he said it, and he showed me on his face, pointed to his lips, 'one is here and the other is here' and he was laughing, and I was like 'oh really? heh oh well' and I smeared my lips together, and he said 'you just made it worse' and laughed, 'they are here' and gahh I just froze, and pulled my face back slightly as he raised his hand to my face, warm hands, and touch my lips ::smirk on face:: and said 'here' pressed on my lip' and here' then pulled his hand away. I'm like 'really?' and was all blushin, and blinking, then tried it again, smeared my lips together and he laughed again, then proped up on an elbow, I was really freakin now, and he put his fingers on my lips again, smiling, 'now here and here' heh. I pulled away and brushed his hand away, playing it cool (heh as cool as i could ^^'') and said 'oh well' kinda chuckling and just smudged it away with my sweater, hoping it would just come off. He laughed anding and pocked my chin, 'now it's smeared on your chin' i'm like 'ger-raw' and rubed my chin and lips with my sweater arm. He just smilied. Yeah... then Anton came, and said what cha'll doing? and Brook's like, 'she had me in handcuff's again man, I was feeling all violated' and then i'm like 'anton! do I have anything on my chin?' Brook cracked up and anton looked at me, 'no, I don't see anything' and the looked to brook then walked like by the fire or something, I looked to brook and he looked to anton 'man.. do you get it? I just said she had me handcuffed and she just asked if she had stuff on her chin and' laughs' that doesn't sound right!' I all smilied to my self, feeling dumb, I said 'ya ya ha ha I get it' lol and anton just made a loud 'cha' smiling and stuff and ok before that ^^' (see not in order) the batteries died and brook said there where more in his bag so I just lifted it and threw it down infront of my knees (he's laying down, i'm like sittng with my legs at my side away from him) he sighs and got in his bag 'all you had to do was look for them' he has a sponge bob bag -_- gay. anyway he got them, and all i saw was one battery so I just got that one that I saw and the other fell and he's like 'gezz girl' and it feel ^^' like infront of my knees and rolled towards me xD ' i'm like oops sorry only saw one' and went for the battery but his hand beat mine and he got it ^^' naw he didn't touch nuttin, and he handed it towards me. I took it and switched them out. and yea anyway i'm getting tied so to cut out some details, that was the end of that and ...

END



.. heh.. yea.. brook.. damn...

Close the World |

:: 2004 10 June :: 11.12 am
:: Mood: tired/eating/tired

buda buda
.. The phone rang at 8:30 and mom didn't get it, she let it ring. She thought it was work and didn't want to be called in.. I could'nt get ahold of Brook last night so I thought it might be him.. I got up and got the phone and called him.. he picked up.

The reason he wasn't there was becaues he went to a party.. and had just got back when I called. He was a bit drunk.. but he talked just fine.. that with slurs.. god... I loved talking to him.. I was so fucking tired though and so was he....

God.. I was just listening.. him mumble to himself and to whomever was there.. and he was playing a video game.. I loved it.. he was mocking me and .. heh he said that he laid down and once he does he's like a carpet.. lol he does'nt move.. lol and he's like 'if that makes any sense' lol I got what he meant.. and then a bit later I called him carpet boy lol and he thought I called him a carpet muncher XD lmao ha ha we was cracking up.. god he is awesome to talk to. .. yea.. we talked and talked.. for about an hour and a half.. till.. .like. 10:something.. the phone died lol...

I told him I was going up to the school later and .. asked if he wanted to go. He said he might.. he'd try.. .. heh.. I said he could ride his magic carpet lmao XD he is so funny! I love his laugh.. god.. I love it.. everything about him that I know.. I love.. I respect.. I want to know more.. just more.. always.. I push people.. well guys really I could care less about girls.. we never get along.. girls .. god.. I dont' know.. I just always get along better with guys.. .. ::shrugs:: he said he doesn't like to talk on the phone that he rather talk to me in person.. I was quick to say 'me too, I rather talk in person'.. .. yea... we can.. piano.. heh.. ..

.. I told him how lazy I was.. he said that like at 5 or 6 that he walked to the store and bought some food all drunk... lol and I told him that I was hungry and he told me to go eat but I told him how lazy I was that if I had to even microwave it then that's too much to do.. if it ain't there ready to eat.. fuck it lol and he said 'damn, you lazy.. dang I gotta lazy babe on my phone.. that's cool... i wanna lazy girl.. because i'm lazy..' yea he was mumbling lol.. .. he.. might like me.. I hope so..

.. i said that... ... i wanted to go to the mall and play ddr.. he said he doesn't like the mall and I was saying that it's like empty int he morning and that i'm gonna take him with me sometime.. like for real .. lol.. and hes' like 'well lets go now' yea. .. he was really sayingl ets go now.. I said you drive lol.. yea.. .. wow.. .. was he foreal? .. heh..... awesome..

I'm calling him at 12.. i'm like 'you gonna be there?' he said yea.. then like 'dang only 2 hours of sleep?' lol I said he could work with it.. he said he'd be asleep.. he told me to wake him up.. heh.. brook... .. will i get to see him .. it's 30 minutes off.. i'm just worried since my mom doesn't work that she might stop by to hear me play... great right? .. with brook there.. if he goes? and today laura and i was supposed to go play.. .. yea.. .. .. grrreat.. ...

tomorrow OKC.. maybe... .. i work tonight.. brook might come.. after we close.. heh.. oh

Brook also said since I was hungry and lazy that he wuold go over to were he 'used to work' (he quit yesterday) and cook me something but he couldn't since he dont work there no more lol.. heh..

.. ah.. i'm tired.. really tired.. 30 minutes till i call.. i need to find out if my parents are gonna come.. i do'nt even know if the school is open -_-

....

______


1:29

No one's at the school.. so no piano.. I just got off the phone with Brook before I left.. talked to him till it died again lol I asked him if he wanted me to call later and he said yes that he did.. like yes yes.. wow.. that's awesome.. I just listen.. he was watching pirates of the caribean.. yea.. and laughing.. i love his laugh.. .. if he asked me .. if I trusted him.. I woudl say yes.. and.. I do.. trust him.. I guess.. its'.. really I want to trust him so.. the only way to want to to really do is to just trust him.. if that makes sense.. I don't think.. that.. he would.. hurt me.. .. yea.. everyone knows him.. in bulldog town.. yea.. pretty much everyone.. wow.. popular guy.. dont' know if that's a good thing though...

He said he was getting sober.. and didn't like that.. he said that every time I talked to him that he had somethign in him.. yea.. .. that doesn't matter, he seems used to it.. he konws atleast what he's doing.. .. turns out that he never stoped drugs for bethany.. maybe he's just saying that.. I dont' know..

He keeps saying aobut tonight at my work.. ... he says he's coming by.. and this time I believe him.. .. i want to believe him.. and do.. but I still have my doubts.. about him.. alwyas.

He says he hates crowds and.. when he went to the mall he freaked out and made a scene.. saying he wanted the fuck out of there.. .. I told him that if he went with me that he would have a good time.. and he was quick to say 'i'm sure i would but' and the but was all the people.. he said he's ok as long as he has someone there to keep his mind off of things.. but once his mind starts to wonder.. he feels like everyone is looking at him watching him.. yea.. I've learned to just.. ignor them.. i'm always in my own world anyway.. .. i watch them.. awear of where they are standing.. read their movements.. how they are breathing.. atleast that's how i used to be.. untill i stoped caring.. people can sneak up on me now.. they used not to be able to..

Brook has a motocyle lisense and that's it.. heh .. i might see him today.. .. yea.. might.. ..

... oh and when i called i did wake him.. ..

.. i'm falling for him.. ..

shit.. he has me.. if i had a car.. i wouldn't be writng this right now.. i would be next to him eating gummie worms watching pirates of the caribean.. ..

i'm gonna find a cell phone.. this phone dies wayy too much.. mom says that she won't have a credit check in her name.. because she's embarrassed.. cha.. stupid.. she said come up with $400 and then she'll think about it.. shit.. i'll get it checked in dad's name.. he wn't either .. i know he won't.. damnit.. that's fucked up..

.. brook brook brook...

time to wake dad up and beg for him to take me into town.. .. such joy...


...

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 9 June :: 3.28 pm
:: Mood: happy/excited/bit tired like always

Called Brook to seconds ago.. he apologized right off the bat about not showing up.. He said he was 2 blocks away and his friends came and picked him up to go drink.. .. he asked me why I called.. I said he gave me a number so I thought I would.. He said that i was bored is the reason why I called.. yea.. I called him at work.. but anyway.. I'm going fishing and he said he would call me back so I said I would be home but i'm not going to be so I have to call him back real quick.. ... yea.. ...

... I woke up at 1:14, ate, went to the school snuck in and played the piano for 40 mins, got back at 2:45 and called Brook, mom is home we are about to leave... .. god I went to bed at like 2:25... damn.. I slept too long..

.. Brook!!! Ha he said he never fished before except for yesterday. He said it was sooo boring.. I wish he could come.. I lied about Brook to my parents.. ...


____



10:14

Just got back from riding with Bethany and Stephanie.. it was a waste of time.
After church they was bored.. I was invited and we went to albires but he was'nt there and so we stoped by these dudes house.. justin and .. josh.. indian/mexican twins.. yea one was high other drunk. Waste of time. Me and beth wanted out of there lol.

Before that I went fishign with mom and pops.. cought a little baby bass that I named BB, Brook Baby lol... yea.. Brook.. I need to call him.. now I guess... ..

Fucking hungry.. God it was a waste riding with them.. it was good to see that bethany was uncomfortalbe too..

Brook... yea.. oh he said that he called bethany's cella nd left a voice message.. saying he was leaving or something.. and Bethany told me about it.. that it said that that might be the last time in a while she would hear his voice.. yea.. she thinks he might of left.. and said he pissed her off with that message.. i'm glad.. that seh thinks he's gone.. .. .. i want to see him now.. my stomach hurts.. i'm hungry.. ..

and tired.. really tired.. .. and I slept for like ever lol damn..

___________


Yea.. called.. can't get ahold of him.. .. I guess I'll try once more after I sign off here... I'm so tired though.. I hope.. he.. he didn't leave.. . do you think he left? I hope not.. god I hope not..




Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 9 June :: 2.00 am
:: Mood: tired/sore/in thought

buda
Brook... tall.. Indian.. 21.. into anime.. loud rock music.. drugs.. alcohol.. alone... doesn't know his father, mother died.. the girlfriend he loved can't grow up, lives with 2 friends, brother and sister for all I know.. The guy he lives with his his ex's ex.. ... and yet.. I know there is so much more to him.

I called Brook this morning around 11. I wanted to call him using the excuse to tell him that I worked tonight, to have him come by all gothic... I really just wanted to hear his voice.. and to see him.
Some guy picked up and said he was asleep, the guys name I've found out to be Nathin.

The day went by and I cleaned and clean. Found my piano music and walked in the misty rain to the school, hoping to play on the piano but no one was there.
The day continued and I called Laura and then.. got off and was getting ready for work.. 6:40 the phone rings. (I leave at like 6:40 because it's a bit more then a 10 minute drive to work) ... it was Brook..

He asked if I called and I told him yea. He said that he wasn't asleep that he wasn't home. He said... he was packing, busy packing... that he was moving.. getting away from it all forgetting everything... My heart sank.
He's left before. (so i've heard)
I asked him about a million times if he was serious.. he said he was. He said he would never come back, that he was leaving the states... I said if it was Japan to take me with him.. he said 'close' meaning it's close to Japan.. so he says. I hope it's just another one of his lies.. I can only hope.
I asked if he was leaving because of Bethany.. he said hell no.. that it wasn't because of her.. I told him that Bethany told me to tell him something.. he said what.. I said.. that she told me to tell him in a nice way that she was over him.. ... ...
he wouldn't tell me the reason why he was leaving but.. a bit later he said it was because of his mother.. that's she's gone and he has no reason to stay anymore, no reason. How aweful that would make someone feel.. I want to comfort him so badly...
I was.. speechless.. i could'nt talk. I asked him if he would come by and see me before he left.. he said he was thinking about it. (meaning stop by my work) His voice.. .. I love his voice.. how he talks.. all his 'cha's'.. .. the expression in his eyes as he talks.... every moment I get to see him.. I record it in my mind.. I'm pretty much like that with everyone though.. can read their face... if I'm around them long enough..
I was in my room.. trying to get ready.. for work.. time went by and it was 6:52.. I was late already. I asked him if I could call him back once I got to work.. and he said that he might not be there.. that he was leaving at 10 tonight but heading for the airport now. I could hear him talking to someone.. saying what to box up and keep or sell or pawn or keep themselves.. he said he didn't care. Was he talking to no one? I didn't hear anyone in the background...
I said.. 'well please.. be there.. or atleast come see me' and .. he said why .. I told him that I just wanted to see him... .. I said sorry that I really had to go to work.. and he said ok.. and .. I said that I hoped I got to talk to him in 10 minutes... ..

We had to get gas before we went so that just took up more time. The ride to work was hell. Hell not knowing if I'd get to talk to him again, if he was being serious.. or just.. lieing.. I was almost in tears.. thinking about how.. he would leave so alone.. and that.. I would never of gotten to confess to him how much I wanted to care about him.. how much I wanted to .. know him... in a way no one else could. My heart just ached so bad.. and I didn't know why.. there is just something about Brook.. somthing about him that... I just can't get away from.. he pulls me in.. whatever it is.. I want to know more of it.. want to know how it works.. how it ticks.

I headed for the phone first thing... called him up.. I said I'm glad he hadn't left yet.. and he said that he might be rethinking it.. I was speechless once again. I really can't remember all we talked about .. I was speechless most of the time.. and I knew I shocked him with whatever I said..
He said that he could get a plane ticket in 2 weeks.. that he could wait two weeks.. and I said 'great' .. god.. something lifted off my chest.. I was.. so happy.. I so hope he doesn't leave.. He said 'well fuck, I had it all planed out.. I was gonna no show up for work in the morning and everything.. but I guess I can go..' and.. he.. said.. I can't quite remember.. but.. he was.. hinting to me.. that those two weeks.. would be mine? Was that it? He said two weeks.. and I'm repeated.. two weeks.. He asked if I was getting in trouble talking on the phone. I was 6 minutes late and 6 minutes had passed.. making it 7:12. I said no that it was ok. I could see the dishes pilled up, I would be busy later. He asked if I was late because of him or because of myself.. and I said because of you.. and he's like what? and I'm like I guess becaues of myself.. but I dont' care. He repeated 'you don't care?' and I said 'no, because I was talking to you'.. he idd'nt say anything.. I didnt' want to hang up the phone on him.. never.. I never want to.. .. I was watchign the clock.. I knew soemone would say something.. Jon came over to me and I thought he was gonna sit on my lap but he just nudged me and swatted my leg with a towel and leaned in towards the phone to hear who i was talking to... I paid him no mind.. I paid no one any mind. It was me and brook. i could'nt believe how I toned everything out. My finger was in my ear so I could only hear him.. there were people there.. Amy running around.. that retard waiting for me to get off the phone so he could probably try and hug me.. atleast he had manners not to inturpt me.. I didn't pay attention to any of it. Just Brook's voice. Jon left soon after he came to me, he got the hint I didn't want him by me. i knew it was his way of saying get off the phone and get back here..
Brook said that I convinced him.. 2 weeks.. I wanted him to come down.. I asked him if he would.. he said.. maybe... and he asked why.. I said I just wanted to see him.. I was in a total mellow tone. I was still i shock I guess.. from all he said.. leaving then not leaving.. And he said.. what would you do if I showed up right now? I said that I would go outside and talk .. he said 'just up and leave?' and I said 'yes' .. he asked if I would get in trouble and I said.. maybe probably not.. heh.. ..
I know.. that he coudln't believe the words that were comming out of my mouth.. I wanted to see him.. I sure as hell made that clear. I said that I was sorry but I had a shit load of dishes to wash and that I would call him back. He said ok, I asked him what the number was to his work.. he gave it to me.. and he said he might not be home when I called.. I said.. where can i reach you? He gave me the sub shack number.. and the pay phone number to it.. I said 'keep the numbers comming' He have me 2 more numbers to call.. I have them written down in my wallet. I'm happy he gave them to me.. really happy... .. completly happy.
I said.. that I'd call him and talk to him later.. that I would call when I wanted him to come...

Dishes took forever.. and hour rolled by and I got .. a little talk from Jon.. not really he doesn' like to be the boss.. especailly with girls he likes.. so.. he told me the phone could wait till I was done. I washed as fast as I could.. with out leaving spots.. that hour went by quick and I was only half way done. Amy had not washed any i swhy I had so many dishes..
Brook was on my mind the whole time. Me and Jon started talking.. we talked the whole time pretty much aswell. it's fun taling to him.. we talk and talk and talk.
Amy left and I went to call Brook back since it was like 8:15, an hour after I hung up on brook..
Jon got me and said to do that afterward... I had called and it just ringed... so I hung up and.. went to my dishes.. 2 seconds later the phone rang, jon got it and waved me over.. it was Brook.
I told him that I couldn't talk, that I had to work.. he was somewhere and the music was loud.. he said it was his music so he must of been at home. I asked him if he was comming by.. he said 'do you want me to come by?' I said 'yea of course' he said 'why' and I'm like just because.. and he said 'what if I said I wouldn't come?' and I said 'well I guess that is your choice' .. and he laughed a bit.. a chuckle I suppose .. 'he said ' alright i'll come later' and I said 'ok' .... something.. I can't remember.. I just know.. that is was wonderful talking to him.. god.. so wonderful..

Went back to washing because, looking over my shoulder out eh window waiting for him.. I thought he said he would come by.. jon apologized for nagging about the phone and stuff and .. I .. was not even listening to him. I was stareing past him.. outside.. waiting for a certain indian to drive up.. ..

Another lie?

After I was done.. called mom and dad to come pick me up (dad always does, its' always me and dad) and called Brook.. no answer.. called the sub shack dude said he was the only in there at the moment.. .. I gave up.. and sat infront of jon..

He asked me if that guy who called was my boyfriend.. i said no.. and laughed.. then told him.. a bit about brook and .. his name and.. how i wanted to get to know him .. like I wanted to get to know him (meaning jon) and he nodded knowing what i meant.. so he thought. .. Jon is out..Brook is in.. I ddn't want brook going there with jon there.. if he did come.. i would of told Jon, 'no strings' and left... i would of been so rude.. god.. poor jon.. I hope i'm not hurting him.

I doubt that.

I wanted to see brook.. dad showed up and I left.. Jon wanted me to call or have someway for me to go to bulldog town in the morning before his work.. I said 'there is no way' he's beginning to realize we can never hang.. becaue i'm not willign to risk anyones trust in me again.. not again.


I would try to call brook.. but the house is so quite i'm sure you'd be able to hear my voice anywhere is this tiny house.. even if my parents hearing is off.

My plan is to call him at work..

Antoher Idea is to go play the piano tomorrow .. that and then go to church and then go fishing? yea, mom says fishing.. I dunno.. I don't like fishing at night... I like fishing in the morning.. .. if brook came with me.. I wouldn't mind.. having someone there with me next to me.. sure my parents are there.. but for some reason I can't stand it if I feel even a bit of fabric off of their clothes on me.. If i can feel their warmth.. I just feel so discusting.. I don't know.. but .. with people my age.. and of course 20 year old's .. i dn't mind.. it's weird.. i've been that way for.. heh.. since that time.. in my last entry.. I suppose since that happened...

I know where brook lives.. because of bethany.. I want to go to his house and see if there are boxes ... see if he is telling the truth or telling another lie.. why.. how could he have a ticket.. he didn't.. .. I don't understand it.. I don't understand why he lies... ... .. god.. .. i love it though.. always keeps you thinking.. .. it's quite hard soemtimes...

I told Jon about Brent..filled him in on the model thing and shit.. he cracked up sayingI had a stalker and then said that he wished if he had his own place his own car that he could just hang with me so I woiudln't have to worrie about creeps like brent.. that exactly what jon said.. so sweet...

I'm not being fair. but.. ... I dont' have to be.. I mean.. he's 23 and has an ex gf that is married and .. god.. it's crazy. He talksa bout her and i talk about other gusy.. can't he see I just want to be tight like that with him as friends?

He was surprised when I told him brook was 21 .. real surprised..


.. .. i'm surprised...

It seemed Brook.. really wanted to talk to me.. he said 'you have me... you have me'.. he really said that.. he said I have him.. .. that was before he said 2 weeks or whatever.. .. .. I want to understand this.. should I call him in the morning? I think I'll try and sneak in an office tomorrow at school and use their phone to call brook.. at his work... ..

.. he called the house.. bethany never called him brook always called her.. does that mean he'll call me? or wait for me to show up on his caller ID then call?

..


... I would sneak away for him.. I .. feel like I can trust him for.. some fucking reason... ..

.. trust him.. did I just say that?


I did .. I did say it.. and I mean it.. I want to trust him...

Trust Brook...



Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 8 June :: 12.05 pm
:: Mood: fine/kinda tired

holy buda!
God DJ is awesome! I've known him since we were kids and we went out for 2 years. He is.. just an awesome fun guy. I hope you all remember me talking about him and Drew and Tammy and Jeb, Blake, and little Sammy.
I talked to DJ for like over an hour.
Kyle had called, black Kyle. How he got my number he wouldn't say. I had just got back from work when he called. I was gonna cook so I said I had to go. Cooked Teriyaki chicken breats and teriyaki noodles ^^ yummie! Both mom and dad liked it!

But anyway we are supposed to go up there to visit them Friday... yea.. DJ will be at camp but will be back in the evening...

God me and DJ talked about old times.. god... we laughed.. .. I can't believe he would remember.... I showed him how to make an origami balloon box.. and.. I mean back when I was like 9 I showed him how and he said he still makes them and has shown like every kid at school how to make one.. do you know how that made me feel? That he.. he would remember that? I was speachless.. .. .. god..

That and now.. I find out a dear friend of mine.. just met a girl.. at his work.. made out and.. is going over to her house.. tomorrow.. Of course she wants sex because she doesn't even live there and is leaving Wednsday to go back there... to her state and.. my boy.. my friend.. I just.. .....

Ok.. I've thought about sex myself, all teens have to. I.. one day I think 'hey it's my first time, get it over with so I don't have to worrie about it being special' but then the next minute it's like 'i'll wait till i have a good boyfriend that i've been with for atleast a year or so and '.. yea.. but.. then .. it's just like .. why have sex? I mean.. i'm not dying without it.. .. I'm not stranger to the feeling, it feels good and all I'm sure.. but.. I dont' need it.. I haven't kissed in forever.. I just lust for it.... but .. I dont' need it.. Sex.. will just complicate things.. and.. when I think about it.. my first time.. who will it be with? I've thought about it many times.. with Jon.. Brook.. even that freak Brent... but.. I think about it.. and then I think if I did do it with them.. things would never be the same.. I would never be able to look at them the same way.. to look at my friends and family I keep it secret from.. I just.. dont' need sex right now, I want the feeling but it's just a lust and I understand that.. and my boy.. my friend.. I want him to understand that.. but for guys I guess its' different .. and I'm sure its' not that big a deal their first time.. but for a girl it's a whole different story..

Kyle.. he has a gf in TX that my be pregant.. he wanted me to come over today.. he is such a cheater.. he's a teenager.. no one can stay.. loyal at this age.. ..

It's just crazy how someone can think they are in love.. I just.. dont' understand it... .. .. but sex.. I mean.. who do you see being your first?

Who? And .. why?



...


1:30 am

Just got though baking some chocolate chip cookies and finished reading volume 2 of the demon ororon manga.. I love that manga. The style.. the characters.. the story.. everything about it.

I've found out that I care about nothing.. that nothing holds any importance to me anymore.. nothing at all.. .. why? How did I become this way? I think.. I know the answer.. it's one.. one incidence that changed everything for me. I started to loose my memory.. of all that happened before that.. and.. when things started to hold no meaning for me.. when I started to hate animals.... and everything else.

.. I've never told anyone about it.. and I had no one at the time that this all occured. It lasted for.. more then a week.. and it's after effects still haunt me everyday..

I want to change.. change it all.. make it better.. money can do that.. I have nothing of it though.

I refuse to live in this world and make up one in my mind.. the books I read, stories... dreams.. my dreams are stories .. having nothing to do with this earth that everyone knows of.. I believe in demons.. and .. more then one god.. I believe people can be reborn and there are more then just this world. ... I want to be immortal.. .. that's my goal.. my wish.. .. everything to me. Why can't.. I find things that hold meaning to me? I've tried.. but they just turn away.. can I explain myself well enough for someone to understand me? Is that why I talk in such detail.. because I want someone to be able to understand me.. ..
I have a memory of that time that changed how i see things and think.... why isn't it a bad one? Why do I just see.. calmness? .. I was calm.. .. am I still in shock from it? ... ... i'm just discusted with myself when I think about it.. think about how calm I was.... ...


To prove how many moods i have, i played DDR today. Brent was outside and winked at me. No one was in the arcade.. just some passerbys and some dude playing.. street fighter... I felt the music today.. my body moved on it's own to the steps.. I couldn't believe how well I did. A's on all but one.. missing only 3? getting all perfects but maybe 20 greats? ... Music... that's something that has meaning to me.. right? Why can't I have the talent to just.. place my hands on an instrument and make it make music that plays in my head? .. Immortality could do that for me.. ..

Do you think I'm strange? Odd? Foolish? Think I need a reality check? What if ... you were the one in the wrong and my beliefs held to be true? No one stops to think about other religions, they just dismiss them, putting their beliefs in the wrong and nags at them to believe in their god. My parents are like that.. I'm not. I go to chruch only to hear more of a story.. just another story.. .. I pray to this god.. but.. I also.. speak out to beings that.. I know.. I know someone is there.. is it god? or is it someone .. something else? .. Do you pity me and think I need a friend? ... A friend... .. when I think of it.. .. I dont' have one.. not a friend.. no one.. I really don't.. when I think about every single person I know of.. here with me and on the internet.. I dont' have a friend.. I want to think i do and they might be a friend in their eyes to me but.. .. god.. i'm talking stupid again.. of course i have friends.. but no one can see though my eyes.. ... no one... ... i can make them see.. through my art. ... I will make them see.. through my art.. through my music.. .. I would love to have powers like a demon.. never having to fear.. .. being alone.. when I think of it.. I see myself alone.. but then...... yea you guys dont' want to hear anymore.. .. I see the world in more then just colors.. ... I see the world in pieces..

...


....

Close the World |

:: 2004 6 June :: 12.39 pm
:: Mood: pissed/uncomfortable

I really hate the fact that no one reads this, buda
I want a car, I want a place to be able to be besides here.. and I want someone to understand me.. and I understand them.. I want my mom to have a easier job.. and I want my father not to stay home all the time.. I want my brother to get a life .. and I want one for myself.. I guess this all would make me depressed at the moment.. and I don't fucking care about a goddamned thing but myself... I can only care about myself.. if I cared for someone else and they needed me.. then fuck how would I get to them? Get a ride from my parents?.. everything about this place fucking sucks... Fuck it.. at 1:30 I'm gonna fucking call all the AZ schools I can and ask about Host Families for highschool students.. No one will probably answer.. my fucking luck.. sorry for bitching once more..


...

LATER 10:20

Just got though cooking and dumping it out in the trash! Ha damn it was sick. Thai curry. I can't cook I guess. Bought chicken breasts and cooked them and did the yummie noodles and nasty sauce and had to put coconut milk in it (could'nt find soy milk and the box said to use either of them) and I hate coconut.. yuck! It was so nasty! xD ha ha ha I dumped it outside because mom thought it would poison the dogs.

I haven't heard from Luis.

Now for more important matters.. Bethany at chruch asked me if I called Brook.. I said I did and she said 'i knew it! because he called me and I just knew something was up' ..
Brook told me that he didn't like her going there because he felt like she was hinting that she had a man.. and he said he didn't care if she did.. but.. I think he does.. and.. Bethany told me.. on the internet.. that.. she was over Brook and that he was all mine and that she woudl talk to him if I wanted her to.. I told her hell no.. seh won't... and she said... that if I talk to him.. to tell him that she's over him in a nice way... .. ..

I'll call him at work and tell him to stop by.. since I can't go see him.. I forgot when he told me he worked and when he didn't..he said he was off sunday..which is today.. ..I don't have the courage to call him now...

School ain't open on sundays so i didn't call.

I'm gonna pay for a new account for Jahreee.

Brook is on my mind.. damnit.. .. ... I feel.. so.. sad for him.. sorry for him.. pity him damnit and i don't want to pity him but.. I know it and he doesn't.. i know ..t hat bethany.. is too young for commitment and.. wants to date and explore.. justlike me... but... brook.. he'll just.. fucking.. .. he is already partying.. drugs.. alcohol.. because bethany broke up with him... he'll fall even deeper into it.. and i can't stop him.. only.. try.. reach out and never be able to touch his heart.. i'll never be able to...

.... Aaron today at church.. had a cut off shirt that hung low.. he's always putting his arms inside his shirt.. he did... and the arm hole was like over his back.. i could see his back skin and it looked so smooth.. the whole time I cought him looking at me now and then.. now and then being atleast every minute.. 2nd time he smiled then just advirted his eyes very quickly.. so cute.. damn .. I want to touch him.. his arms.. face.. hair.. .. .. lips.. ^^' heh and brook.. .. well he ain't no prince charming but.. .. there's just something about him.. his aura.. i dont' know...

At Wal mart.. some dude in the meat isle that worked there smiled at me as i walked towards him I smiled back and felt stupid as he looked back at his boxes, I guess he didn't know I was walking towards him to ask where chicken was lol what a dork. He had pretty fucking blue green eyes.. they were contacts him sure.. he had a cute smile too.. heh.. he was gonna talk but he had someone else that needed his help.. heh..
That and we was walking in the cloths part because we had to buy my mom a work hat and this guy had on a shirt and on the back of it it had 2 japanese/chinese symbols on it. it was like this (1st symbol) (2nd symbol) the symbols where in "(" '')'' things... the first symbol was the symbol for power.. with a .. mark at the bottem right corner so i'm guessing it iddn't mean power and the next symbol was the symbol for mizu, water. I was so excited i could reconize it and was gonna ask him.. only thing was he looked like a mexican thug.. rapest.. him and his buddies he was with.. creep fucks.. I had to walk though them since they was blocking the whole place (dad was tagging along behind me somewhere) yea.. but god.. it's awesome to beable to .. see them and know what they stand for... not fully understand them but.. you know.. know their meaning.. .. Power Water? Water plant? I dont' frickin know.. oh well..

Brook.. DDR .. lol he doesn't like crowed places.. hates the mall... oh well..

... that coconut smell is haunting me.. .. my head hurts too..

I drove home from walmart again for the second time.. about 19 miles.. 58 was my fastest i think 55 is my limit xD ha ha dad only drives 60 mph and that's when he's going fast! lol!

yes well..

.. I'll leave you be...



Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 5 June :: 5.00 pm
:: Mood: tired/fine

buda once more
Yesterday I wasn't on at all and it was hell.

AOL is evil, never trust it, it's not reliable.

Well, it's working for some reason now and this early morning my brother and I went into town,yes in his car. Went to Jahsem's to put a new starter into his mother's car and then we went DDR'in and I wooped his ass.. Brent was there.. he didn't hug me but he did'nt shut up either.

I work tonight so that'll be fun. I started this morning so my stomach is killing me.. all that jumping didn't help either. I was doing well today though. Some black guy was there, so many army people. He was cute, short glasses.. name was ken. ::raises brow:: yea he had a nice hand shake ha ha.

Went to GameKing afterward and this guy worked there, white glasses black beared that was like.. 5 inches long and was tied into a pony tail. it was cute. Tatoos all over his legs and yea.. he was cute. Talked about anime with him and this other guy that worked there. I'm supposed to go see MD. Geist and Chinese Ghost Stories. Yep.

Went back to Jahsems and his girlfriend and her two girls where there. (4 and 6 years of age) and yea... she cooked and I had nthing to eat so we stayed adn chilled and I playedwith the kids while Jahsem and my brother played Grand Theft Auto Vice City. (I played it too while he was changing her starter, it's fun)

Ate played with the kids. God those kids are wild. And now i'm back here... 8 and a half hours later -.-' Yea it wasn't too bad.

God I hope the internet fucking keep working, it's just hell without it. So boring.

Jon.. Brook... yea Brook ha ha..

Yesterday.. Sonny was'nt feeling well.. umm.. still dont' know about this modeling thing... Not with him though for sure..

I do'nt know.. I'm tired but only because of my stomach and I want to go back and play more DDR .. DDR DDR DDR!!!!

Thousand Arms is a fun game.. I played it yesterday.. damn those girls are a bunch of bitches...I saved it and then just dated them and pissed them off for fun. Yea ya'know my level went down ha ha oh well..

.. water.. I need water.. Oh did I mention that I thought my niece the japanese word for water? Yea we was playing in the sink with the water and she wanted to play and I made her say 'mizu' before I would let her. So now she knows that mizu means water. Ha she is drivng my sis nutz with that word. Cool though.. AZ AZ AZ


Arizona...

Yesterday I was woken by my mother asking me if I wanted to go fishing with her and my father. I said yes. Got up got ready and we left. Fishing fish fish fish. Well we crossed the Dam and walked around the edge and I had on my black gothic stringie really baggie pants and yea.. I had them pulled up and then I found myself a nice rock ledge and striped down to my shorts and bear feet. I stayed in my place while my parents walked around a bit more. No one was on our side of the lake, just us.

I cought a fish.. a little bass. I could'nt get the hook out so I just bite the string with my teeth and threaded the hook though it's mouth to get it out. Threw it back in the water and went back to fishin. I named it JJ.. the little fish.. yea..

There was some water snakes and one came up so I stuck my pole down there and was trying to hit it and it bite the work hea.. I hled it up for all too see. It was scary. Only about 2 feet or so long and it had ahold of my worm and I was holding it out so i wouln't get on my ledge and slither over to me and bite ME. I couldn't take a picture of it because it let go and splashed back into the water. Yep mom cought 2 fish and I cought one and a snake and dad cought none ha ha. I like fishing... I like Brook.. ha haha


UPDATE 11:23

I worked with Tona and Laura. Laura told me that Jon had come in late so Jakita just let him go home. Sonny came with a guy named jerrie that i'd seen before that has a lip ring. A bit later I saw Jon walk in ^^ he smile and raised his brows at me like he always does and said what's up and then.. a bit later and no one was paying attention he walked past me and put a hand on my side and squeezed and said hello. He's sweet... ha god so predictable though. One thing on his mind: body. Which sounds stupid but if he see's a girl his hands just start itching. He surprised the shit out of me when I felt that hand because I dnd't know anyone was near me.

He apologized that he wasn't there to get my call because he was called into work.

Still thinking of Brook here...

Work went fine and.. yea.. I want to go DDR tomorrow..


ANOTHER UPDATE
11:55

so who were you with today?
BudaFalL87: lmao
j/w
BudaFalL87: heh it was my oni-chan
do what the hell
(I saw a chat invite and it turns out that I invited him on accident. there was alot of IMs and i guess I clicked on it somehow)
i dont chat
BudaFalL87: x_x oops that was me?
BudaFalL87: Ha ha I thought that was you xD lmao aol fucking sucks
BudaFalL87: Sorry did'nt mean to click on that
k
BudaFalL87: Oni-chan means brother, he was my brother. Names ____, he said he met you before a long time ago.
interesting
kinda glad i didn't hug you, thought he might not like that
BudaFalL87: ha ha ha
well, i wanted to hug you, but yeah
BudaFalL87: yea... >.>'
would you have hugged me though?
BudaFalL87: To be nice yes.
then i wont ever hug you again, if you are only hugging me to be nice, wont waste the effort
BudaFalL87: sorry babe...
well, dont ever worry about me trying to hug you now, because it wont happen
and not being rude, im not your babe, remember
BudaFalL87: >_< You just remember you're not my babe. On the internet I call guys babe btw just so you know.
well, not me, sorry
BudaFalL87: ::holds hands up:: okay okay chill with the defense.
im not being defensive, you layed down the rules that you aren't interested, so i lay down the rules also
BudaFalL87: Good, I'm glad we're understanding each other for once.
okay, well just was wondering that, have fun, got things i have to do, NOW, that we understand each other
BudaFalL87: Goodness... god you crack me up..
bye :: walks away giggling ::
BudaFalL87: ::rolls eyes::
oh yeah, definitely bye now, clicks the almighty overrule button

And he signs off.. I wish he could see how fucking stuck up he is.. bastard.. god.. god damnit.. grr.. why do I feel.. bad.. god .. argh I'll stop saying bad about him.. it won't help anything.. just avoid avoid avoid.. that'll do.. I hope.

...

.. 12:54

Luis.. just asked me to be his big sister. He said that he understands if I don't trust him but that he trusts me.
I'm completly shocked and way open to the idea. I don't know about being 'family' as he called it but I'd like to be there for him.. for someone..
He said he only asked his girlfriend to be the same.. close ya'know.. and so.. I'm flattered.
I gave him my work number.. and .. I told him that I was putting it out there for him and that he better not make me be waisting my time.. he said he won't.. .. this is odd.. ..

.. .. god.. I don't trust him but.. I ca'nt help but feel for the boy.. .. .. if he .. I'll use the word betray, if he betrays me.. god.. .. I'll be.. just crushed .. i'm already completly pissed at brent..and i understand he's just another speck in the world that i need to let it go and sure as fucking hell it's gone.. but.. when i go ddr.. he'll be there.. looking at me.. watching me.. and fuck.. i dont' want to see him.. at all.


Ja~

Close the World |

:: 2004 4 June :: 2.01 am
:: Mood: kinda tired/fine

Work went great! Well, not the work itself.. well I guess so. God so many people there. Laura, Sonny's gf, Amy and her husband and his brother and another friend.. so.. it was me amy and laura then sonny david daniel and dustin for the boys. Alot of D's.

It was fun.. got splashed by all the boys.. Sonny .. kept it on and I got him back.. but then he snapped at me and told me to get your fucking work done and wash the fucking dishes or something.. yea.. that cought me off guard.. I felt bad.. real bad.

I shut up and got to washing, I was almost done and anyway.. Sonny said 'hey sorry for yelling like that' and I said yea well sorry for whatever i did to piss you off and he said that it wasn't me and then i was just not talking anymore and wasn't saying a thing and he kept telling me to talk and yea.. I guess he felt bad since i wasn't talking after he had yelled at me. I guess you never realize it but.. there is alot of yelling in this house.. brother and mother.. myself.. but.. when someone yells at me.. .. i just felt bad.. .. i like sonny i really do.. i'm glad he apologized.

Anyway I had Called Brook but it just rang so i hung up. I was waiting for my parents to come get me (we was going fishing right after) and someone called and sonny answered it then handed it to me. It was Brook! We really talked! It was great! I had wanted him to come so I could see him gothic he said he was just now changing and that he was in my town and stoped by my house but my parents said i was at work.. (i asked my parents and he never came by -.-' such a lier) yea but.. we talked for probably 10 solid minutes. God.. He was.. really into it too.. I love hearing him on the phone.. .. Brook.. damn.. I want to get to know him so bad... I asked him' do you want my number so you can call before you stop by next time to make sure i'm there?' and he .. said sure! I was so surprised and he went and got paper and shit and laura ran to tell me my ride was here and I gave him my number and said bye.. ha ha awesome.. Mmm brook.

fishing was cool. Got many bites. mom cought a catfish and so did sis, a bigger one. mom caught a mudcatfish too. Dad threw him over the damn so an animal could eat him. I stoped fishing by the damn because my line kept getting junk stuck to it like gum and i couldn't reel it in.

I dont' know what to tell Brent. I mean.. well I just got his modeling thing in the mail.. so on june 12 i'm going to OKC to go meet this lady for modeling for a pagent. I dont' have any clothes to wear though besides jeans.. so.. I'll have to go check a store out or something but.. yea.. I just want to talk to her.. see what she thinks.. if she thinks I have a good chance then.. maybe I'll let brent make me a portfolio.

.. Mom and myself and my brother are supposed to DDR tomorrow. It's 2:00 and we just got back like 40 minutes ago.. so I'm sure they won't wake up early.. I don't want to go there late because they'll be alline but.. oh well..

.. AZ is sliping further and further away.. it's.. looking more of just a thought.. and staying here.. is .. becoming a wider area.. brook.. ddr town.. modeling.. ... ..

All while we was out in the dark with the full moon and tons of bugs.. I thought of Brook.. of Brook and how it'd be like if he where there with me then.. .. .. then I thought of jon and dismissed him and keep brook on my mind.

.. .. I'm gonna go rest now.. I bet I won't get tosleep untill like an hour from now.. I'm actually not that tired... .. great..

I want to call brook again.. he's off sunday he said.. I might call him then... he doesnt seem too happy with beth.. god i want to talk to him again... .. ah...


Ja~

Close the World |