::
2004 14 March :: 10.41 pm
:: Mood: . none .
:: Music: . yellowcard . way away .
. randomosity i suppose .
had a little weekend getaway up to cheboygan/onaway. visited the g.grandma w/ the parents and marcus. she turned 100 last week. 100 years old, holy shit. and she hasn't left her bed since her stroke... 2.5 years of lying around with very limited sight and hearing... poor woman. she used to look alright. she was always so proper - the typical little old lady. i remember when she lived down in charlotte, mi in her own apartment and everything. now all she does is eat baby food and call out for her mother/sister/God to come take her home. literally.. she asked how i was, but other than that, the only understandable words out of her mouth were "momma... take me home." so sad. i mean, what do you say to that? and my g.aunt lee and g.uncle bob who watch her are just saints. absolute saints.
i never want to get old.
it's been a while since i wrote in this thing.. i actually have typed stuff in here a few times since that last post, but my computer always does something funky and restarts in the middle. i can't wait until i get my mac laptop this summer... ahh, wonderfulness of no viruses or other pc-related poopiness.
but yea.. shit has been hitting the fan with yearbook and student government and danielle's lack of attendance at both. its one of those issues that i know i need to just bitch about all that anger... but i cant get myself to. therefore, i hold in all that hate. and its a lot.
but lately ive been doing that.. shutting my mouth. i decided that marcus shouldn't listen to my whine/bitch sessions. but then there's that silence because all i can think about are the things i need to scream over, and he doesn't say anything anyways.
sometimes i don't know about that kid. we broke up for a day or some ridiculously short period of time a week or 2 ago. he literally came apart at the seems when i brought it up. but idk. maybe im too much of a confused feminist to have a boyfriend. me and my controlling ways try to manipulate everything and everyone. and i get pissed with his slacker ways. its one of those "god, why can't you be more like me?" situations. we're such different people, with different goals and different backgrounds. our families are night and day.
i don't think we'll last through next year, regardless of whether or not he transfers to msu. i think next year im going to start talking to jason again and get back into that crowd... as opposed to the lack of crowd in my life right now.
so.. this went nowhere and its going downhill fast. i think its time to go load up on more meds and inhalers so i can pass out in bed for a few hours. goodnight.
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 27 January :: 8.14 pm
please read.
especially if you live in michigan.
even more so if you are 18 or older.
here in this wonderful state of michigan, some of you may know about the Legal Birth Definition Act. Gov. Jennifer Granholm decided to veto it after it overwhelmingly passed in the Michigan Senate. yes, she is "personally opposed" to abortion, but politics get in the way. pretty sick and twisted. anyways - this piece of legistlature would declare a baby as being born the moment any part of his/her body is outside of the mother. makes sense, right? well, there is currently no standard for when a person is legally born. under this lack-of-law, millions of babies are killed. partial-birth abortion style. for those of you who do not know, this is what most abortionists perform later in the pregnancy (2nd and 3rd trimesters). they force a woman into early labor, then partially deliver the premature baby, breech style (feet first, opposite of normal childbirth). once the shoulders are visable, the abortionist then crushes the skull of the child, typically by suctioning out the brains. the skull then collapses and the rest of the child is removed, dead. pretty disturbing, even to the most desensitized person.
anywho - there is a procedure that we, the citizens of michigan, are able to do to override the govenor's veto. there is an 180-day petition drive (began in early January, so theres still time) to collect approx 235,000 signatures of registered voters (ages 18 or older) who believe that there should be a legal definition of birth at the moment any part of the child is outside of the mother's body. PLEASE PLEASE sign this petition if you have not already. if you are not 18, are not registered to vote, or have already signed it, please do not! e-mail me at mle3102@yahoo.com if you are interested... i will go way out of my way to help you join in saving millions of lives.
check out www.thepeoplesoverride.com to see more information, including the bill itself. i believe they also have information about becoming a registered voter.
crying out for the voiceless,
emily casari
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 27 January :: 7.20 pm
:: Mood: . negative .
:: Music: . yellowcard . way away .
back from the dead.
but wishing i were back there.
just got home from march for life in washington d.c... so powerful. we were 2 ppl from the front of the march. it was mind-boggling at how many people traveled so far to protest abortion in this nation of "freedom." i picked up so much information about new groups and lots of kick-ass pamphlets. i am such a nerd that i read all of them as soon as i got back to my hotel room. tons of new statistics to put up on the students for life bulletin board at school. plus a perfect article for our meeting next tuesday about debate over putting the morning after pill in the over-the-counter category.
horrible idea, by the way. the "emergency contraception" pill is equivelant to 50 doses of the typical birth control pill. and dont even get me started on the birth control pill.
over 1/3 of our generation has been erased though abortion.
save the babies.
on a more personal note, i am falling apart. today was a horrible day, even if we got out of school at 11 because of snow.
i dont think its possible to feel any more alienated than i do, even though i basically carry that school on my back, getting stuck to set-up and follow-through with 90% of the student activities. and i mean that whole-heartedly. even some of my friends that i hung out in-school and occassionally out-of-school are hanging out w/ different people. people who i could never be around because i would feel completely incompetant. sure, i get a few seemingly-genuine smiles and "hey, how are you?!"s in the hallway, but i never see those people normally, nor do they every call me or have actual conversations with me. all of the guys ignore me except for benny and steffen, and they only realize i exist during religion class. my old best friends, who now attend calvin college, on the other side of town, have created an anti-me club (titled the HOE club, "protecting the innocent" with its motto of "cute like an elephant") once marcus and i became official at the end of last summer. i cannot begin to tell you how much it hurts, especially bc 2 of my old-really-good-friends still hang out w/ them every now and then, even though they know what they do to me. my weekends consist of work, wasting time napping, and falling asleep at 9 with marcus's arms around me.
pardon my listing, but thats just a fraction of the walls i face every day.
it makes me break down just thinking about how much my life is going downhill...
saturday was 6 months for marcus and i. i got back at 7 am from an over-night bus ride back from d.c., and had to work 830-1 teaching kiddies gymnastics. of couse, my elaborate plans didnt work out bc of the parents. and i was so upset. we ended up just going to olive garden and having champaigne at his house. of course, i fell asleep immediately afterward.
sucky.
i did a revised-version of our plans last night. i made a three-course meal of everything he loves, from apples to st. julians to grilled chicken (yes, vegetarian me even cooked the chicken) fetticini alfredo to chocolate covered strawberries to spiced hot apple cider. we sat on the floor in the living room with a fire in the fireplace, the lights off, and the rest of the fam in the basement. very romantic. but before and after sucked horribly, as typical.
i dont know what to do.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 31 December :: 10.07 am
:: Mood: . none .
:: Music: . hoobastank . out of control .
hahaha. i cant believe im filling this out
epitome of wasted-time loser-ness
PT. I
1) Using band names, spell out your name
e (eazy e)
m (mad at gravity)
i (incubus)
l (lenny kravitz)
y (yellowcard)
2) Have you ever had a song written about you?: steffan wrote one for all of his friends a few years ago. lucass wrote a ton about me but ive only heard a few.
3) What song makes you cry?: most of them.
i think . simple plan . perfect . AND . good charlotte . hold on . make everyone cry, even if its only mentally.
4) What song makes you happy?: . hot hot heat . talk to me, dance with me . or anything techno
5) What do you like to listen to before bed?: silence
PT. II
a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5 2
AGE: 17
HAIR COLOR: currently chocolate brown w/ faded reddish and my natural blonde-ness popping through. i need to re-dye it back to blackish brown very badly.
SKIN COLOR: winter = pale
EYE COLOR: blue
PIERCINGS: ears twice, cartilage, belly button
TATTOOS: no thanks
r i g h t n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: blue fuzzy pj pants
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: . brand new . sic transit gloria .
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: oatmeal with a hint of the soymilk in it
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: all i know is no snow. therefore, its not worthwhile to go outside.
d o y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: nope
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: i plead the 5th
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: no.
LIKE TO DRIVE?: yea. but its always nice to have marcus drive me home at night. the whole falling-asleep-while-driving thing has freaked me out. (plus then i get to see the best view of downtown GR as we drive through the s-curve on 131 north)
f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: trading spaces/what not to wear. i am a TLC junkie
CONDITIONER: amplify
BOOK: the things they carried by tim o'brien. best fucking summer reading *ever*. totally reaffirms why vietnam (and war in general) is so horrendous.
MAGAZINE: B&W (black and white fine photography)
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: diet coke
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: sprite/smirnoff raspberry twist. but shots of bacardi limon or a nice deucer are also high up there.
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: wander downtown. coffee lounges (yes, even the gay ones), purple east/little bohemia, thrift shops, ice skating. <3 downtown GR
BAND/GROUP or SINGER: lots. im a fan of pop-punk, alternative/mainstream, techno
h a v e y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: si
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: touchy subject
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: lots. but not since i got busted...
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: nope
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: haha. yea i was a silly little girl when i was a kid
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: revoltingly disgusting. however, hilarious when johnny knoxville did it.
USED YOUR PARENTS CREDIT CARD: every day. saving my stash for beer cups at MSU next year. (lol)
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: yea, but only a few classes at a time.
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: no. kinda hard to fall asleep while standing, dont you think?
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: in grade school
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: yup, thats what its good for.
l o v e
BOYFRIEND: yes, sir.
GIRLFRIEND: no
CHILDREN: i have 70ish of them... in my gymnastics classes lol.
CURRENT CRUSH: the lead singer from justincase. sooo too cute. hahaha. but johnny rzeznik (goo goo dolls) will always be my true love.
BEEN IN LOVE?: yes
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: uh, the name brad comes to mind. lol.
BEEN HURT?: obviously
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: being myself
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: umm.. brad told me he loved me the first time we hung out. intoxication makes ppl insane. i think we became official like a week later ?
HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN/RECEIVED ORAL SEX: umm... yea, maybe you should have asked this question when i was 11 and could still answer negative lol.
r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: yup. ive worked for GR parks and recreation as gymnastics lead instructor/lifeguard since april 2001. great schedule, awesome pay, never see a boss/supervisor during the school year. yayness :)
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: car = no doubt - the singles. room = thrice - the artist in the ambulance, 19 wheels - jawbreaker, linkin park - meteora.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: emo black. with a hot pink swirl down the middle :)
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: productivity/control, perfection, dancing, peppermint patty (mint/mocha espresso drink from Discussions), live music/mosh pits, racey yet sophisticated fashion, people watching, natural views that make your jaw drop, sunshine on your face and wind through your hair, crude humor, followed by "oh my god, that is so awful"
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: marcus. stuss, m.lo and l.jo also rock my world.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: im fixing to burn another techno cd :) or maybe trapt
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: in all honesty... only marcus.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: what the hell kind of question is that?
w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: last night when gerald and my mom threw out my turtle hash pipe from spain.
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: except for stupid junk mail... was that week in early december when i found out my grant to make West Catholic's lab laptops wireless was accepted, got my acceptance letter into MSU's honors college, got my new ACT score of 32, and UofM's letter saying they lost my ACT score and transcript (fucking failures at life lol). that was a good week.
YOU GOT E-MAIL: i get like 45 junk mails a day, and about 4 actual ones... from the haiti committe at church, delia's, etc. no one writes personal ones to me. ever.
THING YOU PURCHASED: uh, went up to meijer's last night... got stuff like VO5 hot oil for my hair, crest whitestrips, mascara, picture reprints, storage bins, etc.
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: 100 sexiest rock stars on VH1 for like 4 minutes. after being so disgusted that gavin rossdale was only 74 or something like that, i turned it off.
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: mona lisa smile. amazingly good movie. yay for progressives :)
y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
ABORTION: homocide. i devote a huge chunk of my life as a pro-life activist. lol im actually wearing a rock for life shirt right now.
TEENAGE SMOKING: horrible for you, but sometimes you just need a smoke.
SPICE GIRLS: hahaha.
DREAMS: i admit - im a hopeless dreamer.
4 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 23 December :: 5.40 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: . revis . seven .
. pulling off petals from a flower .
alone
with marcus
alone
with marcus
alone
with marcus
alone
alone
alone
lonely
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 15 December :: 7.40 pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: . josh groban . you lift me up .
my two cents on saddam
why i feel bad for the fallen dictator...
discussion between benny hawkins and i:
BENNY: why do you feel bad for him? i kinda do too
MLE:its just a degrading, prideless way to live - in a hole, with lice, no toilet.. i feel awful for that man because so many people in the world blindly hate him.. only because everyone else does. in all honesty, i dont know the horrible things he has done. therefore i cannot hate him. i believe every person deserves dignity and respect, and bush was the biggest cocky bastard to him, showing not even an ounce of respect. if our leader cannot be even the slightest bit compassionate, how can our nation?
BENNY: *tear* thats beautiful... youre so nice, emily
we are called to love our enemies.
i can only pray that saddam will be allowed a fair trial, resulting in his due punishment.
the death penalty is never a justifiable conclusion
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 4 December :: 8.30 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: . the beatles . strawberry fields forever .
"living is easy with eyes closed"
saw this in a friend's profile. enjoyed it and thought id save it here:
Yeah, I have my addictions
I keep my share of secrets
And things you値l never see
I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention to my insecurities
I知 just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself
I don稚 know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me
Yeah, of what I do and who I am
All of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me, yeah, this is me
Yes, my heart breaks for the homeless
I worry about my parents
And all my bills are late
Yeah, I知 dealing with the changes
Of this complicated strangeness, seeing life this way
I laugh at silly movies
Tear up when I see babies
And I知 stubborn as a stone
Yeah, I criticize my body
I wonder if I知 ready to ever be alone
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 2 December :: 9.41 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: . trapt . still frame .
balance?
well there was another explosion sunday night w/ gerald. possibly the worst verbal abuse ive ever taken from him. and he still thinks its all valid.
basically, it came down to the fact that we cannot live together and one of us must go. its sad that our typically-silent hatred errupted while simply discussing my schedule for next semester. that miniscule act. but the tension had been building, so i suppose it makes more sense.
anyways... sun night was horrid. i havent cried that much in a long time. just thinking about it makes my eyes water. it was definitly one of those times when i seriously had to think why on earth i am still here on earth. because at that point, we all would have been much better off if i were not.
gerald and i have not spoken since.
the odd thing is, yesterday and today i have been intensely chipper, energetic, dreamy, goofy in school. i must get some sick high off knowing that i can hold my own in a battle against a 50-yr-old asshole.
or, a more likely case, this is just my sense of balance in my life. in a twisted bi-polar sense. i am lazy to death at home (nothing going on in extracurriculars, no work, no committments till after xmas break). i take 2-3.5 hour naps and take my time doing hw and just lounging around. just like i told the rents would happen if i have an empty schedule. my life becomes empty and fruitless as well.
anyways - back to my point of "balance" - i got out most of my anger and dissatisfaction and sadness in that series of arguments w/ gerald on sun, leaving me with only outward happiness to live in during school hours and exhaustion to exist in after school hours. this swaying would kill anyone else, but its kind of soothing in a weird way. i have felt more at ease these past two days than i have all school year. very little to do, bare minimum homework.. what more could a girl ask for?
oh, thats right, everything in the world
... i still feel it pulling inside...
*tear*
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 17 November :: 10.49 pm
:: Mood: sleepwalking
:: Music: . hot hot heat . talk to me, dance with me .
. well . thats . typical . of . me .
im a mischevious little slut.
so marcus and i - on verge of breaking up. he came to visit me while i was working away at yearbook (like always) tonight. we walk around and chat for a half hour or so. at one point i believe we were not together. i mean, in all honesty, i do not have time for marcus as a general statement. i do not have time for a personal life, as simple as that. i have so many responsabilities and tasks at hand that i feel have priority that i honestly cannot have a personal life. why my social life is nonexistant this year.
im fine with it. as long as i can be productive. but i feel like he gets in the way w/ that. after every time im with him, i get so unmotivated, sleepy, lazy. like last night and tonight. not cool.
i have better things to do than wrestle with other people in my life.
last relationship (ok, even though it ended almost 2 full years ago), brad dumped me out of nowhere and then later that night, we proceeded to mess around in our semi-drunken states. typical me.
now, after 2 days of serious rethinking of our relationship, i do the same thing w/ marcus, except i am in brad's position. i initiated the "breakup conversation" i guess you could say, and then i was also the one who proceeded to push for the booty call at the house marcus is watching for the week.
and as disgusting as it sounds, i felt like everything was fine after that. and as stupid as it may be, i hope that i just felt so disconnected bc we hadnt been physical at all in like... couple wks? idk - felt like a long time. and yes, that can take a toll on a relationship.
yet i think/hope that there is more to the problem than just that. and that i hope i can work this all out... my mind is just overwhelmed with what to do...
public service announcement: all you little manwhores out there, treat your girlies carefully. that kinda stuff hurts after. (lol)
oh, and i am obsessed with this song. obsessed.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 17 November :: 12.59 am
:: Mood: annoyed, spaced out
:: Music: . goo goo dolls . its over .
. this . is . ridiculous .
what the hell. seriously - if this isnt ass-backwards, then i dont know what is.
so marcus is a frickin girl and its making me physically ill. hes sitting on the curb in the mist out at calvin, cryin like a baby. i dont know when i became so mean, but i feel like i reverted back to markie and i 7th grade and freshman year, except flipped. i feel like hes overexagerating all of this and just whining for no reason.
ok ok ok. so maybe it slipped that i dont know how i feel anymore. he took it as "hey, guess what? i dont love you and im probably gonna dump you." when in all actuality, its more of a "gee, my feelings seem to have cooled off a little. i think i need to reevaluate whats going on." two totally different things, from my perspective.
i mean, im sorry i dont know how much i love you. but in all honesty, the way you handled the situation has been the biggest turn off you could possibly ever do. (yes, even worse than when you got your chin all the way down to your bowl today at mongolian bbq and you didnt even think it was bad manners.) i mean, tonight, the way you handled this, has nudged me into the direction of seriously-rethinking us. sure, i may be a take-charge kinda gal, and balance in a relationship means that we make up for each others downfalls, but dammit boy, its still not acceptable for you to act like a girl. you called yourself a wimp, and i cant deny that. you need a backbone and it drives me up the wall sometimes. you let me walk all over you and hold the door open for me to trample on your little world.
youre just asking for it.
i dont know whats up w/ me tonight and my sudden malicious, impulsive, seeking-an-end inclinations, but right about now, im ready to throw the towel in on even knowing you. just kinda wipe my hands clean of you.
its sad... but if i didnt have to deal w/ you being like this x10 (if we did break up), i would end it. right now i see no point in continuing. i have no urges to put any effort in any rescuing of any past sentiments.
but i know tomorrow i will return to my caring self and will get suckered into listening to you mope and fret and calming your sleep-deprived little body.
conscience is an awful thing.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 9 November :: 7.16 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: . sugar ray . falls apart .
possible irreconcilable differences
last night i was so in love with marcus. cuddling on the couch, watching lilo and stitch (i cried 3x bc im a loser like that lol), i felt so content. we have such a wonderful relationship. sure, we are little sluts, but we laugh our bums off when were together. im just so funny, ya know. and there is this mutual support because we both have lots going on in our lives right now.
but i fell asleep for 2+ hours last night. he left kinda upset. i dont remember bc i was so in and out of consciousness that i couldnt even stay awake to say goodbye. i realized i need to do more for him. i surprised him this afternoon after a brief phone conversation that i was planning to drop a bomb on him in, but he was so distressed from not sleeping that i had to keep mum.
the truth is... i love marcus. with all my heart. but in looking ahead, i feel little differences could explode into huge problems. the biggie is that we would both just kinda go with it and silently allow resentment to grow.
i have always admired his freedom from material goods and his "hippie" tendancies. i, too, share in a lot of his same humanitarian and equality philosophies. but i like to be professional. i want to be successful. i want to wear one of those little skirt-suits and carry a brief case and drink cappucino and have black and white photography strewn throughout my modern, yet traditional, well-designed home. i want to be successful and independent more than anything.
marcus takes the view that love is more important than success in happiness. he could be working at the corner drug store, but if he is content with his wife, hes fine. his comment today: "sometimes i wonder why im even here at calvin (college)." marcus, youre there because you need to get somewhere in life. and although i hate to admit it, sometimes i wonder if you will make it. his ideal life 10 years from now is not making very much money and just living life simply. i want to make money. i want to be sophisticated and respected. i want to make huge contributions and volunteer at nonprofit organizations. but in order to have that financial freedom, i need to be economically stable.
even now, i know people give us weird looks when were together in our favorite attire: him in is duct-taped jeans, converse high tops, random tight broken-in tee, cheap zip-up hoodie, obnoxiously thick hemp necklace, with his getting-shaggy hair all bed-head-y. and me in my lovely steve madden heels (which make us the same height, mind you), red/black shimmery dress pants, vintage black assymetrical shirt, ribbon-choker, with dark eye makeup and yummy lip gloss and my hair all perfectly twisted in the front and spiked up in the back. im sure we look quite odd together. i care too much about my appearance and he couldnt care less (except he does have a little obsession with his belly)
i just feel like that could tear us apart when we get serious about settling down a little. yea yea yea, i know its jumping the gun. but to me, why be in a relationship if you know it wont last?
and i wish that i could only tell him what ive been thinking. its hard enough for me to put it in here... words dont do it justice.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 3 November :: 11.41 pm
:: Mood: inadequate
:: Music: third eye blind's self-titled album
never enough (insert word here)
time
love
sleep
work
money
friends
solitude
accomplishments
motivation
productivity
mle-time
marcus-time
down-time
study-time
fun-time
confidence
trust
brains
experience
truth
beauty
intrigue
support
self-control
... shall i continue the list?
i know i know
i cant keep it all together
in the silent song that is your madness
holds a truth i cant erase
. third eye blind . god of wine .
i just feel so isolated, so alone. yet, so attached to marcus in a we-are-one-person way. yesterday was the only day in over a week that i didnt see him. it gets repetitive, but its like an addiction. i must fuel it. i must see him. it doesnt even feel rewarding or satisfying sometimes... just necessary.
i dont know... my complete sense of inferiority to the entire world seems to be eating me alive. im not good enough for anything or anyone, especially myself. or my parents. so many other parents would be thrilled to have me, hard-working, ultra-involved, passionate, humanitarian, smart, compassionate little mle as a daughter. instead, they see a failure who places emphasis on the wrong things.
to them, yearbook is nothing. to them, work is meaningless. to them, my sanity is second to school. to them, i am an immoral glutton. to them, marcus is just another boy. to them, i am scum.
and its not necessarily that i want to please them.
i just dont want them down my throats vocalizing criticism parallel to the thoughts that spin through my mind for hours every day.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 11 October :: 8.09 pm
:: Mood: angry crying
:: Music: drowning pool - tear away
. i . hate . you . all .
... with the fury of a thousand buring hells ...
yes i am so infuriated. fuck them. seriously. i hate every fucking person on this planet.
i hope you enjoy an eternity frying in fuckin hell. asap.
this is driving me insane. marcus's inability to argue just makes me crave an arguement 10x more. i cant get out my anger because he doesnt say anything to bring out what im feeling. he just shuts up. well fuck you.
and the stupid girls who dont invite me places. you shall die as well. what makes you even the slightest bit better than me? oh, thats right. youre "cool." whatever. i hate everything that you are. i have not even the slightest tolerance for any of you.
and the stupid boys who make me feel completely nonexistant, worthless. youre just as bad. go suck off some makeup off those girls and enjoy the fumes of their hairspray. stop being so fucking immature and self-serving.
i have never felt such anger toward every person i know. you have all failed me and therefore i shun you. get out of my life. i never wanted you here in the first place.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 11 October :: 8.03 pm
:: Mood: throwing another little pouting fit at marcus
:: Music: broken sunday - lost in you
| Three things that scare me: | | 1: | failure | | 2: | reality | | 3: | stupid people | | Three people who make me laugh: | | 1: | m.lo | | 2: | stuss | | 3: | laura joyce | | Three Things I love: | | 1: | sleep | | 2: | dreams | | 3: | laugh-workouts | | Three Things I hate: | | 1: | myself | | 2: | people i am jealous of | | 3: | upper math/physical science | | Three things I don't understand: | | 1: | myself | | 2: | pro choice people | | 3: | other stupid people | | Three things on my desk: | | 1: | diet coke | | 2: | cell | | 3: | film canisters | | Three things I'm doing right now: | | 1: | being emo | | 2: | ignoring marcus | | 3: | enjoying diet coke | | Three things I want to do before I die: | | 1: | weigh less than 100lbs | | 2: | develop my own film | | 3: | get arrested for protesting war/abortion/other worthy cause | | Three things I can do: | | 1: | computer-y art stuff (html, photo editing, etc) | | 2: | take charge | | 3: | dance away my anger | | Three ways to describe my personality: | | 1: | perfectionist/passionate in everything i do | | 2: | emo | | 3: | humanitarian | | Three things I can't do: | | 1: | be satisfied | | 2: | forgive my parents | | 3: | most sports |
Three Things brought to you by BZOINK!
go ahead. do it. |
::
2003 6 October :: 11.34 pm
:: Mood: sick, exhausted, intimidated
:: Music: adema - giving in
. i . give . up .
. i . give . in .
i dont want to put up with this anymore. its only monday night and im exhausted out of my mind. im literally behind by months. im sick out of my mind but i cant call in to work bc i dont even have that option. i cant miss school because im so far behind. i cant sleep because im sick. i cant function because im sick.
i cant breathe because im sick.
i cant live because im me.
i dont know why i struggle with this so much... it seems i can never overcome this. im so ashamed.
why do i breathe?
even his arms tonight, for the brief time they held me, were not enough. i need peace.
and i cannot even begin to find even the smallest hint of it within reach.
"the stress has got me. im giving in ..."
mle
go ahead. do it. |
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