hoo-hah
right, so the show's done and over with. it's sad, i was kinda getting happy with it. now it's gone and it's not so fun anymore. fun to talk about, but we're not doing it anymore. i'll miss being ouiser (oyyser). it went great. people laughed a lot more, which just goes to show you, having a clump of teachers for an audience will earn you more laughter at the subtle adult jokes than a mass of high schoolers. i certainly felt much more appreciated. it was a good feeling. *giggles* hoo-hah shadow... anyways... yeah. *giggles osme more*. so after it's all done and we step out for the curtain call, we bow, we give flowers, blah, then all of a sudden, i stop the curtains, just before BJ closes them and go "wait! the crying mother, m'linn, turned 16 today" and people started whooping, cheering and clapping! andy turns to look at me, goes "i hate you" with this huge smile on ehr face, i don't mind. well, afterwards, i went to andy's house to spend the night. i attacked her in my sleep, stole her covers, she rolled over on me numerous times. it was ok, we laughed over it in the morning (er, noon). it was a good weekend. i enjoyed it. thank you andy, for moral support, being a good sport, and just big boobful hugs. you rock. *dances the andy dance in celebration of you*.

we rocked! woohu!
ok so yesterday, as it turned out, blag ended up staying with me at school the whole day. he suggested we go back to his place, but i don't know why i decided against it. (seriously i don't know why.) so we stayed in school, folding programs, walking around, then we got a hold of conway's keys and went to her room for a while. it was really really nice. i'm going to make a restriced entry about it later (for my personal enjoyment *winkwink*). so anyhow, we had a great time, and we talked a lot about everything and nothing in particular. at one point, when all the girls came back to school and started getting in costume and makeup, someone asked him "so are you and fajer dating?" and he goes "i don't know, hey ToTo, are you and i dating?" so i thought about it for a while, then shrugged and responded "you tell me." funny. they laughed. i laughed too. well there's more! the show starts up and we get on stage. it's not perfect but it goes well. people laughed when i got on stage, they laughed at most of my funny lines in fact. well come act1 scene 2 and yes, here comes the screw up. cathy forgot her line. so reem fed her the wrong line. all of a sudden, i'm staring from backstage, jaw open in shock as cathy skips 6 pages of script and starts saying MY LINES because i'm not even on stage yet! well i grab concubine, who is practically crying "it's not use it's ruined! it's over there's no point getting on stage now!" and try to talk some sense to her. i don't get through, so i grab her by the wrist and drag her on stage, literally DRAG her on stage. we cover up beautifully. i was impressed. as soon as the curtain closes we run at each ther, hugging, jumping up and down, not believing we fucked so bad and yet pulled it all together. it was beautiful. when the play was over, and concubine and i stepped out for our curtain call, the clapping turned into whooping. i felt ready to burst. it was one of hte most precious moments of my life thus ar (yes that's al ine from the play). so tonight, i hope to repeat the process, only BETTER and without skipping six pages of script. until then, i go.

MERRY BITTER SIXTEEN, ANDY-CUNT!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOO YOUUUUU. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOOO YOUUUUUU. HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAY DEEEAAAAAR ANDYYYYYYYYYY. HAPPYYYYYY BIIIIIRTHDAAAAAY TOOOOOOOOO YOUUUUUUUUUUU! happy "bitter" sixteen andy! i (heart) you!

sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble, tres bien ensemble
i'm nervous. i'm really really nervous. the show's tonight, and i'm gonna be here in school all day. i didn't see andy this morning, so i couldn't get a boobful hug. blag was in a bad mood and kept cussing everyone out, almost got into a fight with nasser over the friggin bass. just unbelievable morning. i hope tonight gets better, because if it doesn't, i... have no idea what i'll do.

overload
i feel like i've reached a limit. fuck school, fuck housework, fuck all of it. all i wanan do right now is just drop everything, and go... i don't know where, i don't know how far or how long, i'd just go. i'd leave everything behind, take just the clothes on my back. i'd fly somewhere, to a palce where no one really knew me. start over, fresh, clean. forget school, my home, my family, even my friends. i just need to let it all go.

i'm alive
life can be good to you, but you can't wait for it to be good to you. you can't just stand there waving "i'm open! i'm open!" you have to get in there. life won't pass you happiness like a ball in a game. you have to go tackle it. sure you don't have any 0padding or protection, but think of it as rugby. get hurt, get in there, it's all good.

so let me be your sin, don't know my face, let me sink in...
i adore drain sth. i can't believe they broke up. what a waste of feminism, talent and beauty. *sings along at the top of her lungs* ALL OF MY LIFE, DRAINED OF EMOTION, I NEVER CRIED! (i never cired!) WHAT AM I NOW? A LACK OF DEVOTION? I NEVER TRIED... TO STAY INSANE... beautiful... so yeah.

i just showered, and put my hair in a french braid. it was dripping wet (literally) when i tied it so right now it's behaving itself. i'm so pleased, it's long enough to braid! not really, since there's little pieces of layers sticking out the braid, but still! there's none on my face (it's been washed back) and none on my neck (except the bottom part of the braid). woohu! i feel clean and girlish! i havne't had long hair in a while. it feels wierd. it's gonna be real hard growing it out longer, considering i haven't had hair much lower than my shoulders in about four years, but i'll live. it's entirely likely that i will hack it all off by summer though, despite my resolution otherwise. *shrugs* ah well. my hair. kaifee *sticks index finger to side of head*. i go now, because fay and reem are coming (coming) up the stairs, and we work. *waves*

lyrica
butterfly wings flapping in your breast
standing on the moon, waiting for a shameful saying
what a day it's just a way to say you're sorry
the sand in my grasp, scarrs the water that you bathe in
***
falling down, it's the snow from a dead tree
lifted by spring and the streams that melt into me
to learn your wish is a spell that will wash your craving
leave it cold, shivering clean and contemplating
***
growing up to start to like your face and your neck
watching close the ways of breaking and mending it
turn your back on your life, it sounds amazing
you thought it was dust, but it scars you and it's raining
***
silence in adultery, through the winds it's shaded
lifting you up to a place that you once hated
a hand in the clock and another held to your breast
butterflies still flapping tiny wings to your breast
***

i'm so miserably obsessed with this song
i'm sitting here wondering what life would be like without me. i don't mean what MY life would be like, duh, but what would everyone else be like? what kinda family would there be in my place? would my parents have even gotten a divorce? what would my brother be like? my mother and father, what would they be like? what kind of place would they live in?

what about my friends, what would they be like? what kinds of inside jokes would they be missing without me? would there even be any? would they be happier, or less happy? would they have more fun or less fun? what would they talk about? where would they go hang out? would barney have met andy and concubine? what about AC? would she have met them all or would they have just been casual aquiantances? what would faisal be like? what would zach be like? what would fara7 be like? would they be the same, or have i changed any of them?

what would my teachers be like? my classes? the people that know my surface? what kinds of smiles would there be in school? what kinds of jokes? who would people tell their burdens to if i wasn't there to listen? where would they turn to if i wasn't there to say "it's ok, i've been through worse"?

things to think about, things i'll never know the answer to i suppose.

damn bakasan!
manga isn't out yet. *waits patiently*

not sure where to begin. wednesday was blissfully sleep-filled. yesterday was fun to the bone. i woke up at 7 (which wasn't really fun) and carried my caffeine and sleep deprived ass to school. faisal was there too, for SAT workshop, and we spent the morning together, making fun of the chemistry kids who were in class on thursday morning. what a way to spend a weekend. well when my class finally arrived, we started filming and working and i'm pretty impressed with how much we got done. it's looking good. thats not interesting, but after my mom picked me up we went to marina mall and i asked the lovely people at virgin about getting a summer job. they gave me a number to call. i'll do that sometime this next week. i also bought a posable chun-li model. i'm obsessed with it. my brother took me to this part of virgin where they sell collecter's item action figures from ancient animes, games and such. there's grandizer, street fighter, twisted land of oz, spawn, terminator, it's insane. there's even volume 1 statues. AND AND AND! LIVING DEAD DOLLS! i love it there. i (heart) it. so after i ran some errands with my mom, she dropped me off at barney's, where we hung out until 5:45 (i know this for a reason, dont laugh) and went to marina AGAIN. this time, with freshmen! well all these good little girls are so facinated by me, keep asking me about boyfriends and kissing and that kinda thing. it was funny and flattering. i taught them to play penis! woohu! well at around 7 or 8 we went back to Tara's house and about half an hour after we get there, blag calls. let me put it this way. we didn't get off the fone until saleem got downstairs, at around 10. it was nice. today i went to my dad's, as always. we barbequed for lunch, then hooked up the game cube to the 500inch projector screen and the 7.1 stereo surround system. naruto is beautiful upsized. and there you have it. i spent most of tonight doing math homework, and her i am. not so productive weekend. but fun! woohu!

unreal
this is a post inspired by cowboy67 (that's you!) but think about it. every person you know via woohu or LJ or whatever else you blog on, every person you meet on dance.net or deftonesworld.com or wherever else you live (both me, yes) who happens to live far off on another continent on the other side of the world, they KNOW you. like they KNOW YOU know you. these are people that get glimpese of deep personal moments in your life and majorly private insights on what you think is best for the world. they know your likes, your dislikes, your political views, your favorite songs, your religious values. and yet, if you ever bumped into them on the street, you wouldn't know them. you probably will never meet, yet these are people that you either talk about with your fellow bloggers (andy that's you) or that talk about YOU. and you've never met and you'll never meet, it's just like, people in a faraway land are thinking of you. it's so unreal. *ponders this for a while* yeah so that's the end. just think about it, it's so trippy. but don't think for too long cuz then you'll get wierded out or something.

mutually exclusive
do you believe infinity and God are mutually exclusive? to believe in infinity is to believe that there is no absolute, no beginning and no end, no worse and no best, but to believe in God is to believe that God is the absolute, that He created the world in a Beginning and that He will destroy it in an End, that He is the Best. it's a contradiction (as most things about me are). i wonder, because i truly do believe in God and truly do believe that God is All Powerful (capital A capital P), but i also believe in infinity HERE. i mean on earth, here and now, i believe that there is no best, on earth i believe there is no worst. in this time i believe there is no start and no end, and i believe that there is nothing most or least about our world. perchance in an after life, there are all these ends and beginnings, all these extremes, but it's either that science hasn't found the extremes yet, or they simply do not exist in this life. it's hard to swallow, this is too deep for me. "i'm going to get my tyres rotated."

prom dress!
oh i forgot to say yesterday! in celebratiobn of my credit card's return, i went out a bit with sarah, and she took me to this tiny little store in the middle of nowhere (actually it's in the middle of salmiya) that's just FULL of small sized (my sized) evening dresses. i found my prom dress, for 4.750 KD! (that's about 15$) and it's just the right fit. i love it, i (heart) it, and i feel so.... senior-y right now. i can't believe we're graduating a year from now, people. think about it. this time next year we'll be taking IB mock exams, worrying about graduation, prom, senior tea. it's unreal. whoa, i foresee freaking out so i'm gonna stop now.

joy!
ok so im getting into the car afterschool and my mom goes "i have to talk to you when we get home." we drive home in silence and i'm thinking "oh fuck something horrible happened." well as soon as i get home she's telling me to change, we're going somewhere, and i'm thinking by now "dude, it's something went wrong during surgery" but we drive and stop at the bank. by now i'm confused, and the next thing i know, i have a credit card! she renewed my credit card, she said i was growing up, and that she travels a lot and needs to make sure i have a way of getting money if she needed to send it to me. she said she trusted me to budget my life, and i couldn't believe it. i haven't had a credit card since i was twelve when i maxed out all my credit cards, it feels nice to have this trust again. *waves card around* so andy, what'd you want for your birthday?