lyrica
When I am queen I will insist with perfect scars upon my wrists
that everything you once held dear is taken away from you

When I am queen sweet girlscout's face and not a one will fall from grace
If all their hearts I could replace, but until then I'll have to...

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

When I am queen on royal throne made out of parts of broken bones
of all the devils I have known that suck the angels dry

When I am queen I'll have my way I'll make it drowning dollie day
and all the tears that we have cried will suck back in our eyes

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

Hush baby hush baby
Hush baby go to sleep
Hush baby hush baby
Hush baby I'll make it be

When I am queen I will not wait my body type will still be great
I will not leave it up to fate because I hate you too

When I am queen they all will see the patron saint of self-injury
the glitter sores will heal themselves I'll play the part of someone else

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

lyrica definita
Threw you the obvious (i showed you the obvious side of me)
And you flew with it on your back (you accepted it as reality without question)
A name in your recollection (i'm only a name, you don't know anything else about me)
Down among a million, say: (lots of people are the same as me)
Difficult enough to feel a little bit
Disappointed, passed over. (i feel like i'm being ignored)
When I've looked right through,
To see you naked and oblivious (even though i tried to know everything about you)
And you don't see me (you don't know anything about me)

Well I threw you the obvious, (i gave you my superficial information)
Just to see if there's more behind the (to make sure weather or not)
Eyes of a fallen angel, (there was more to you than sadness)
Eyes of a tragedy. (there was more to you than tragedy)

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded (i expect too much from the emotionally hurt)
But I see, (learn)
See through it all, (go past the exterior)
See through,
And see you. (and learn about you)

So I threw you the obvious
Do you see what occurs behind the (do you know that there's more to me)
Eyes of a fallen angel (than sadness)
Eyes of a tragedy (than tragedy)

Well, oh well...

Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all. (apparently there is nothing more to me than sadness and tragedy)

You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all (you don't know me at all)

*japanese singing*
EMAC FUCKIN ROCKS! ok now that that's out of the way, i played the insane secretary! it was so cool, cuz when we were writting the script for the cinderella scene of the production, i wrote the secretary lik totally wrote her into me! and i got her! YES! i had to memorize my lines in a day, it was hard, but i rocked it harder ;) so yea, my dad went to see the performance, and it was SO NERVE WRECKING cuz he's never seen me act like EVER, and after the performance, i sat next to him, after i had been congratulated by ALL his sisters nad my stepmom, AND my dad's little brother's wife, who said that she was surprised students could throw together such an outstanding performance, and he was smiling. like genuinely smiling. i haven't seen one of those smiles in AGES, it made me whole fuckin month, and i felt like everything i had been working for was so totally worth it because of that one smile. i was soooo happy. he naturally didn't say much but that smile alone was enough.

since then, i've been mostly just catching up with schoolwork i missed. we had the auditions for steal magnolias yesterday, and i was totally nervous. i didn't get shelby, i'm ouiser. it's ok, she's a kick ass character. i'm gonna love playing her. just a little disapointed. well, yea... and then...*sniffle*

i don't know what else. i finished my computers project! like all of it! woohu i'm so fuckin proud of me! i perfectly forged three pages from a random magazine. the cover, an article, and an ad. i am the queen of the universe!

wait more EMAC stuff! shaimah sent me a bagfull of things. it had in it 2 wonka bars, 2 jolly ranchers, a stuffed dog with a heart in his mouth that says "i woof you" and a letter! attatched to the letter was her picture and i couldn't help crying a little bit when i saw it. she's so beautiful. i miss her like crazy... well guess who delivered the bag to me by hand? HOT GUY WHO HAS OFFICE AID A BLOCK! woohu! anyhow, we went to sha3ab park on friday, it was the fuckin shyt. had the time of my life. i bought these dog tags and had TOTO 15-01-88 inscribed on it. aida and tags got ones too. it was yayed out! we got on the disco thing and played rania's system of a down cd to the speakers, it was the BEST! instead of sitting on the chairs n trying to hang on, we all sat in the middle and started rolling all over one another. we'd get up when it stopped, head bang a little bit, then they'd start the ride again because they enjoyed us so much hahaha. not really. we got raped on that thing and it was so much fun! FREDUBINE BUNJEE JUMPED! GO CONCUBINE! we went on the roller coaster ride with hussa she's so cool. sha3ab was seriously perfect.

the next day, we went to marina mall in the morning. it was fun, i hung out with "homegirl" aka "rosy" aka the guy that had to play cinderella's valley girl step sister, he's real cool. it kicked ass. he plaed her BEAUTIFULLY, and he bought like 19 cd's from virgin, like seirously AMAZING cds. and i convinced his girlfriend to buy deftones! woohu i'm so proud! welll at around the end of the trip, while we were going down the escalators to go to the buses, we realize there\s a big fuss down there, and we go down and i hear EVERYONE go "awwww" in like perfect unision and harmony. then i saw andy and naser hug and i found out from someone that he gave her a rose! it was so cute! well i wasn't even done gushing over it when blag came from behind me, tapped me on the shoulder n went "ToTo?" and i turn around and he got me a rose! i couldn't believe it! it was way cute and past scary. so we got on the bus together n he just held me cloes the whole busride back to school. it was real nice. when we got to school we really didn't get much chance to hook up before the performance. that was that. i pressed the rose in my scrapbook, with shaimah's letter. this weekend, this past weekend, i wouldn't change for the world. it was perfect. i loved it. i'm ready to die now.

GOLDFISH'S MOM
the goldfish is always uglier
in somebody else's mom
you dream about going up there
but you can't cuz she can't come
just go take a piss around her
and mark your territory
cuz when no one is around her
the goldfish get's really horny
UNDER YOUR MOM! under your mom!
darling it's better
down where it's wetter
take it from her!
what has she got a lot of kids?
who knew you'd fuck just cuz you kissed?
don't blow your cover
please use a rubber
under your mom!

tubular
i started the morning TOTALLY WHOAed out. i woke up at 7 to shower, thinking i could get to school by 8. but you know what? my mother WOKE UP at 8. ugh. i got to school like NINE. whatever. point being, we had our little assembly thinger and right in the middle of mr. mCLEAN'S speech, fredubine calls! now this is ok with any other fone, but my ringing tone is UNDER THE SEA! it was hilariously embarassing! hahaha and THEN, we separated out and the drama students went to the multi-purpose rooms. it was all good n well, we had these freaky assed excersizes and all that jazz. yea yea yea, yadda yadda yadda, let's get into the good stuff.

so we're sitting there, PERFORMING. we did the exerpt from kindergarten, cinderella, and it was fuckin beautiful. we finished writting the UNDER YOUR MOM song which i'll post after this. so let's get into the REALLY good stuff.

actually, lemme make this a restricted. don't ask for details you don't wanna hear about. seriously, think carefully before you ask because i got some. not just ANY "some", it was- wow- i'm so wowed out, like it was- woooow- i mean -duuuuude- andy i owe you big. like REALLY big. wow. i'm not gonna be over this for ages. i can't stop smiling like a fool. conway saw us walking back from the multipurpose rooms and she was all "fudjer, don't go into dark places with people; don't go off in the dark with GUY people." and blag goes all "yea i'm a rapist" and she's all "that's not what i meant and you know it" she looked really pissed but i didn't argue with her, i jsut smiled and said "yes ma'am" and she smield back n winked at me. haha funny. and then.... wow....

i (heart) uchiha sasuke-kun (AKA the topless boy in my background)
ok and then i got to school nice n early. don't remember most of the morning, but i remember AC was there. hmm... wonder why i forget so easy... yeah and then i had history first period n i got a hershey cuz i had a 10/10 on my quiz! woohu! well we had drama next and were at the auditorium and did sleeping beauty AGAIN. i had my part perfect so yay (the director said so so HA). then, i cried. i just sat there backstage, talking to fredubine about how i've lost everyone i've cared about, faisal particularly, and cried. naturally, as my luck would have it, conway chose that moment to call me downstage n ask me about the photography of the fine arts festival. and guess who i was sent with to fetch the camera? faisal. ugh i wanted to die. we did half of cinderella afterwards and i managed to pull myself together beautifully. i played my happy role, recited my lines and honed my character to perfection. then the play was over, i dropped the act, and i was in a gloom for the rest of third period. and then, it happened...

last thirty minutes of class we get free time and teodore, eternal flirt, chose to go through my wallet. in exchange, he let me go through his wallet. well as i was going through it, i found a CONDOM in on of the side pockets. i put it up n go "wtf?" he goes red n snatches it. then we get into a discussion, with moonsuk, about sex, one night stands, fuck buddies, girlfriends and birthcontrol. it was hilarious, no like HILARIOUS. comparing the efficiency of male condoms versus female condoms, diaphrams and the pill. pulling out, that kinda thing. at around that time tammam decides to pass out. seriously. i moved his circulation, encouraged oxygen and blood passage to his head, and gave him natural massage therapy. he enjoyed it so much, according to moonsuk his face looked like he was orgasming. we laughed, then teodore asked me to give him one too. well as i was giving him a massage (i said i should have been getting paid for it) dzaner decides to come up from behind and give ME a massage. oh. my. God. no really, oh. my. God. i literally burst out laughing at how good it felt. teodore then got pissed n went all "focus! focus!" i pushed him n told him to shut up, so he goes "work on my body!" we started cracking up! then tammam gave me a massage, and i don't know who gave who a massage, and it was like one big massage thing. so much fun. i walked out with teodore, talking about who knows what. then stit stopped me and took me aside because he saw my right side where i was wearing two earrings to get me into trouble. then i point at my left earringless ear and smirk. "one pair of earrings, the handbook said nothing about which ear it went on" i win! hahaha! BA3SA!

let's see, the remainder of the day, AC got pissed, yelling, arabic class, english class we watched an episode of oprah winfrey... yeah.

so that's it. and then...

been here before couldn't say i liked it, do i start writting all this down?
today started out horribly. i woke up and the first thing i realize is "my hand hurts" and i open my fist and i'd been holding that little "I LOVE YOU" stone all night. naturally, as soon as i fuckin see it i start crying. i miss him so bad sometimes. it took me a good fifteen minutes to stop, and then i forgot to wake my mom up and went to the bathroom myself. by the time i woke her up it was 7 and i just knew we were gonna be late for school. i had the worst headache, and i was jsut ready to drop wherever i happened to be standing and cry my eyes out. but things got better. as i was walking to my locker, i saw barney and she stops me to scream "LYSEE'S HERE!" so i rushed to my locker and we rushed to the auditorium together, but not before out of the corner of my eye i saw AC and B walking together, like TOGETHER together. in my haste, i failed to stop and inquire, but i'll get back to that later. so yea, i go to the auditorium and ANDY CAME! I HEART YOU ANDY! IT'S ABOUT FUCKIN TIME! i hugged her until she couldn't baethe and we laugehd for no reason and talked and caught up and things. well first period, math, was just math. we had a fun lesson though, i loved the proofs of the sum and difference trigonometric functions. i loved the derivations of the formulas. even teodore was all "wtf? i don't get it.." and i was all "yay i see!" felt smart. good self esteem.

second period, english, let's just suffice to say SOMEONE IN MY GROUP EVALUATED ME DOWN so that my grade was an 82% while the group grade was an 89%. i didn't say anything about it, even though i know perfectly who it is.

well, arabic class, i talked to AC about variousity, and she managed to remain rather calm throughout the class. we discussed what went down with beladi, who apparently misunderstands things more than i thought was possible, but that's over now, and then i let her read some of my latest work, READERS, WRITERS AND THE AUDIENCE UNDER GRAVITY. she said she liked it, it was different from what i usually did. *half-assed happy dance*

lunch was yippeed, i clung tenaciously to andy and attacked her at various moments. FREDUBINE IS PT! congratulations fredubine! gave blag his birthday present and he liked it and i'm pleased with myself.

onwards, i had physics, and i asked young about the lab due on saturday i was all "i have emac fine arts, i'm not gonna be here" and he goes "why don't you learn to manage your time? you're in high school and in IB" i wanted to KILL HIM. so basically i have to hand it in anyway and i should be working on it now but i don't wanna. so we did a self-study the rest of the class in silence. i got mufida to let me do something with her hair, and she has BEAUTIFUL hair mashalla *knocks on wood*. i pulled her hair back loosely, then dropped some strands on her face and took off her glasses. she looked GORGEOUS, she has the most beautiful smile. i'm so jealous :(

i had computers last period and i finished my cover page which i'm VERY VERY proud of. then drama rehearsals. I STRADDLED FREDUBINE! haha we practiced waltzing barefoot and fredubine got her character down PERFECTLY. i was all teary eyed n proud. YOU ROCK MY WORLD FREDUBINE. well afterschool i FINALLY caught mr. mclean. and i pitched my idea to him about a creative writting course, and he LOVED it, he was all "you just made my day" and he took my name and said he would speak to both my english teacher and the head of english department. i'm so proud! i'm making a difference! he asked me what kind of writting i did. i told him EVERYTHING and it wasn't a lie. i can write social, fiction, biographical, persuasive, instructional and poetry. *kisses her own ass*

well i got home and my bther's been in a bitchy mood all fuckin day which is seriously pissing me off. you'd think he was the one with PMS. pshhh. well anyhow, i told him i needed internet to do homework cuz i needed to download my physics lab outline. every two seconds he'd walk into my room and go "are you really doing homework?" i wanted to knock him out. damn!

and here i am now. recollecting. yay. and then...

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
hermen told beladi about me n blag! he had n ofuckin right! i'm so fuckin MAD! I'M SO FUCKIN MAD! i cannot remember being so mad in months! i beat the crap out of the wall and nothing happened to it which just made me madder and i fucked my hand up and that makes me even MADDER and i'm just so fuckin pissed i mean WHAT THE FUCK?! BY WHAT RIGHT IS HE TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT ME AND BLAG? IN CASUAL CONVERSATION?! it was like "oh we're talking about relationships, you heard blag n fajer made out backstage?" wtf?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! i have a fuckin reputation to uphold and he has no right to go shamble that shyt cuz he can't keep quiet on what doens't concern him! I'M SO MAD! i wanna kill him i wanna kill him i swear! shyt i'm so mad i can't even scream!

whoa, i'm so tired. i feel like i'm getting older. i'm so tired. i'm so mad and so tired, and the combination's going to kill me.

she's the one that makes me fall... midnight moon shines through it all...
thank you barney for this cd, i (heart) it so much n so did scottie!

i spent the day at my dad's house. it was not bad, i missed my daddy truth be told. it felt comfortable all of us hanging out again. that plus i was having a super hairday and i felt great. the kids.... ugh. i remembered as soon as i got there i had forgotten HONEY. i walked around the garage a lot. i didn't do much work, just cleaned the buggy a bit, scraped the skeleton of the GMC, checked the hood of the caddy. needs an oil change. whatever.

i missed roaming the garage, the smell of cars is still heavenly, and the gasoline feels comfortably familiar on my fingers. i actually just dipped my hand in the fuel tank, just to get that feeling back. sad? oh well, at least i'm happy.

football season's over, basketball starts up. game between philly n miami, wanna check the score on that *prays for philly* and i'm still pissed as fuck that NEW ENGLAND FUCKIN NEW ENGLAND won the superbowl. ugh! as if! and then, i don't feel like school tomorrow! ahhhhhh! i wanna sleep late! and wake up late! *whimpers n whines alternatively*

and THEN, i better get some rest. maybe i can induce/entice myself into slumber.

one bullet in this gun, don't know if it's for you or me...
bored.. bored... and THEN still bored. morrow i go to father's house. the day after i go school. then ANDY COMES HOME! WOOHU! MISS YOU ANDY! (heart)

summer called this morning and woke me up. i was angry at first, but then we ended up talking for literally hours. (seriously, i checked the fone clock) she's so great! so funny and honest. we talked about lots of things, funny things, and laughed at not-so-funny things. it was great.

i spent the remainder of the day roaming about the home. my family quarrelled. i went to my room and danced. i've been packing on plenty of weight, so i cut back a bit on my calory intake. i also started doing sit-ups again, and working out variously while dancing ofcourse. fun.

i'm still bored. i go. and then